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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this acceptable to other wives??

143 replies

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:11

I'm going to be brief here. DH has a tendency to go out for " a couple" and end up staying out til all hours. He did it again last night. He went for a couple at 4.30pm and didn't get home until 1.30am.

These are never pre-planned nights out. I always get told last minute. I then rarely hear from him. So I don't know where he is, who he is with, or when he will be home. So sometimes I will be expecting him home at a certain time and he just doesn't show up.

We have a toddler and I am pregnant with our 2nd child.

Am I being unreasonable to object to this like he says?

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, but I do think in his situation that he owes me some accountability as to when he will be back. I also think if he says he will be back at a certain time then he should be, or at the very least let me know he is staying out?

OP posts:
Proudmummy2456 · 02/04/2015 14:05

My ex was exactly the same was with him for 5 years! Got even worse when our DD was born. I gathered the strength when she was 18 months old and I've not looked back since Wink

PeppermintPasty · 02/04/2015 14:20

Another one here raising her hand. My ex is my ex because of behaviour like this. Kind you, it took a long time for me to deal with it, process it, and chuck him out. It wasn't the worst of his behaviour either, but really, I could have written every one of your responses on this thread Confused.

He has zero respect for you, and therefore no real love for you either.

I just wanted to tell you that I have two dc too, and life has never been better for all three of us now we are rid of him. The thought of kicking him out was worse than the reality. We have a new reality now, and we're happy.

Good luck.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2015 14:23

Where am I patting her on the head? I am saying this is his fault. It is his behaviour that is to blame. That is not patting her on the head. I absolutely agree she cannot change his behaviour.

Saying you are allowing somebody to do something to you, when you don't want that to happen, is victim blaming. It is language that is used all the time around women with abusive partners. "She chose to stay". "She puts up with it". "I wouldn't allow that to happen". It minimises the men's behaviour and deflects the blame from where it should be.

What she does about her partner and the situation she is in now is separate from his behaviour. Saying "He is only treating you like this because you are letting him" implies that if Confused behaved in a different way then he wouldn't have stayed out all night out of contact. Or, if only she did this or that then he would understand and not treat her in such a manner. Putting the onus on her to fix him.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2015 14:25

Women also need the tools to leave - the understanding that there is a problem and the way forward. Saying put up with it or leave isn't particularly helpful either.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2015 14:28

Anyway I'm not sure I'm being particularly helpful either! Apologies Confused, I hope he does understand what he's doing and cares enough about you to change his behaviour. But there are options if he doesn't and MN is great for that type of support.

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 14:35

OP as others have suggested if you really do want advice you ought to go along to an Al-Anon meeting for family members.
They will tell you that if the person themselves does not want to change, no one else can do it for them.

Personally, I'd give him some deadlines/ ultimatums.

1 Go to his GP or AA and ask for help. Binge drinking at this level is a sign of a drink dependency issue and needs professional support.

2 Do the above within a time limit- maybe 3 months.

3 Tell him that if he doesn't control his drinking or seek help then your marriage is over.

Oly4 · 02/04/2015 14:43

I don't think it's acceptable to dump you with all the childcare but I DO think it's ok for partners to go out and not have to be home by 8pm. But I like advance warning - 'I'm going out and I'll be at home at midnight" is fine by me as long as I know in advance. I then don't fwel the need to contact my DH as I know what's going on and when I can expect him back. We have a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old and even I go out with friends and come back at midnight about once a month! It is ok to have a life outside of the home!
What is not ok here is that your DH doesn't tell you what time he will be back, isn't contactable either and both those things show a lack of respect. That's the issue, not the fact he has a drink with friends surely? Just because he's out til 1am doesn't mean he's having an affair

qumquat · 02/04/2015 14:49

I agree being out till 1am once a month sound perfectly normal to me, it doesn't automatically make you a bad parent. The issue is not telling you when he'll be back and not being contactable. Also, if dp has been out drinking he is still up at 6 with dd the next day, hangover or no.

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 15:42

oh come on ladies!
we all accept that we can have a social life on our own- that is not what the OP has posted about.

This is about a man/ dad who goes AWOL and drinking, somewhere with someone (unknown) for almost 12 hours and comes home pissed- so much that he has to take a sickie off work the next day.

For a start, I'd be worried about a partner's personal safety is they were out unplanned - mugged, ill, drunk and lost? anything could have happened.

It's immature and selfish behaviour and also very bad for his own health ( and career I suspect.)

Oly4 · 02/04/2015 16:24

Pinfrocks, we've made it clear we'd also be dissatisfied with the AWOL bit. As I said, the selfish bit is buggering off without being contactable or warning the OP he planned to stay out. That is what is not on.
But I do not buy all this nonsense about not being able to go out because you HAVE A FAMILY now and 'stop trying to act like you're single'.
Plenty of families have great mums and dads who also manage to see their pals and hell, get drunk once a month.
I personally have no problem with my DH going out and having fun once a month. Good for him, it helps him unwind from work and from the never-ending care of two small DCs. And he's a wonderful father to boot. Great!
And in return, I get to go out with my friends.
It's good, it's healthy.
OP, would you be happy with him going out if he let you know in advance and if he could be contacted? If he can navigate work and a toddler and a hangover then is it ok?

Oly4 · 02/04/2015 16:35

Ps I agree with the poster who said its your life and you get to decide what's acceptable. i find so often on Mumsnet that people jump in with cries of 'leave him!' and 'just like my ex!'
The OP has said he's a good dad, so if this isn't acceptable to her than it's something to work on?

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 16:38

I don't think we are in disagreement, but this...

But I do not buy all this nonsense about not being able to go out because you HAVE A FAMILY now and 'stop trying to act like you're single'

the 'being single' comment means that someone who is single in not accountable to anyone and doesn't have to tell them when they are coming and going.

No one says you can't go out or have a social life if you have a family.
It's the lack of planning and having the consideration to tell your wife where you are, who you are with and what time you expect to be home that is the issue.

If the child was ill or the OP went into early labour etc, how would she be able to get hold of her DH? That's what irresponsible.

LemonYellowSun · 02/04/2015 16:39

DH goes out for a couple after work and comes home in time so he can put the kids to bed/say goodnight to them.

I would be livid if he did as you describe. It just would not happen.

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 16:41

But that's a bit silly Lemon surely because what you seem to be saying is no parent ought to be out beyond their child's bedtime.

If it's planned and agreed then either parent can go out after work or whenever- as long as it's discussed.

I used to go and visit friends overseas and leave DH to look after DC - but I didn't just go- it was planned.

PeppermintPasty · 02/04/2015 16:45

pinkfrocks is right. I've lived through it and it is beyond awful. It's all been said-it's a fundamental lack of respect that eats away at your self esteem. A proper partner and parent just wouldn't behave like it.

I used to say time and time again to my ex that it wasn't the going out, it was the not telling me anything, anything, about when he would be back. Actually he would also often say he'd be going out til 9 at night then rock home at 2 or 3am. Now I'm not someone who shies away from standing up to crap like that, but it was only when I realised that he would never change, and it had to be me making the change that the penny started to drop.

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 17:09

He doesn't help around the house as much as I would like...
Tidying, cleaning and organising your own home is not "helping". It's part of being an adult.

Like a lot of men he needs directing... No, no, no!

Fairenuff · 02/04/2015 17:34

Saying "He is only treating you like this because you are letting him" implies that if Confused behaved in a different way then he wouldn't have stayed out all night out of contact. Or, if only she did this or that then he would understand and not treat her in such a manner. Putting the onus on her to fix him.

I've said loads of time that she can't fix him. OP needs to move away from that idea.

She could do something different though. She could say to him 'You are free to make your own decisions but I don't want to live with someone who treats me like this so if you want to carry on doing what you're doing we need to make plans to separate".

That would be her behaving in a different way and it would get a different outcome. He will either decide that she is more important to him than his regular AWOL nights or he will let her go. Either way is better for OP than what she currently has.

So, yes, I do think she should behave in a different way but not in an effort to change him, more for her own personal happiness and for her children.

feministwithtitsin · 02/04/2015 17:35

I don't think having a late night out once a month is a problem, really.

The problem is that you don't know where he is, who he is with, and refuses to acknowledge your concerns and try to come to an agreement.

How can he plan to go in late to work, but not give you any advance warning?

Cailindeas35 · 02/04/2015 19:53

Hi op.

Felt I had to post. I've been in the same position as you. My ex used to the same but more regularly, every week and every weekend. Eventually he lost his job and it got worse, going at 9 in the morning, coming back at 3 o clock pissed and go again in the evening for another session. I spent 11 years and we had 3 kids til I threw him out 18 months ago. I haven't looked back, its like a huge burden has been lifted. It never gets better, only worse. He's still drinking and he still thinks I'm the unreasonable one for not putting up with it. He still lives in total denial about his alcohol addiction, whilst me and the kids flourish. He sees the kids once a month, lost his home his job. And he's still drinking.
I hope everything works out for you.

Original poster
Confusedhousehunter · 02/04/2015 20:25

Once again thank you for all of the replies.
It is definitely not the going out that bothers me. The last minute nature of some of these nights does bug me bit mainly it's the fact that he stays out so late. For a pre planned night out fine. But in his situation he can't just decide off the cuff to have a bender. Our lives don't afford us that freedom anymore.

OP posts:
Oly4 · 02/04/2015 21:17

OP, I think you've hit the nail on the head and actually I think we are all in agreement. It's not the going out that's the issue, it's the off the cuff way he does it and the fact he doesn't tell you when he will be back.
Have you told him that's exactly what the issue is - not the going out?
Him he can have his freedom and see his pals, but it needs to be organised so you know what's going on. I imagine he's focussing on the fact he wants nights out. If it's just that he wants not to have to tell you where he is, then that's not on. I think we all agree on that

Rightallalong · 02/04/2015 22:47

Nope. I would be really annoyed in this position.

Daisychain5 · 03/04/2015 00:25

I'm amazed more people haven't stated the obvious. I don't believe for a moment he has a drink problem.....I think he's obviously shagging about, either with one woman or multiple. There are not many pubs that stay open that late, even clubs normally pitch out at 2am.....you're being taken for a mug.

Original poster
Confusedhousehunter · 03/04/2015 07:34

We're in London where places do stay open that late unfortunately.
I don't think he's shagging around as I've seen no evidence and trust me ive checked. He's not very bright so doesn't hide things hence me finding the text from his twatty mate.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2015 07:54

"But in his situation he can't just decide off the cuff to have a bender. Our lives don't afford us that freedom anymore".

The bigger problem here is that he is deciding off the cuff to go on benders.
He's probably done this for years hasn't he?.

Did you assume that once you got married and have children he would change?.