Is this acceptable to other wives??

[Confusedhousehunter]

I'm going to be brief here. DH has a tendency to go out for " a couple" and end up staying out til all hours. He did it again last night. He went for a couple at 4.30pm and didn't get home until 1.30am.

These are never pre-planned nights out. I always get told last minute. I then rarely hear from him. So I don't know where he is, who he is with, or when he will be home. So sometimes I will be expecting him home at a certain time and he just doesn't show up.

We have a toddler and I am pregnant with our 2nd child.

Am I being unreasonable to object to this like he says?

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, but I do think in his situation that he owes me some accountability as to when he will be back. I also think if he says he will be back at a certain time then he should be, or at the very least let me know he is staying out?

You've also stated as well (unsurprisingly) that he comes from a family of problem drinkers too. Alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour.

Yes I stupidly did think he'd change. And he has improved but he's not stopped the behaviour completely.

We both go out separately often (twice a week generally) but we arrange and agree dates/times/locations/childcare between us. This is because we respect each other and support each other. Coordination and consideration are essential when children arrive on the scene. His need to get out doesn't trump my need to get out or his responsibility to do the bedtime routine.

I think its rude he doesn't tell you anything. Are you cooking expecting him home? Are you exhausted and waiting for him to walk through the door so you can have a small break? Also are these proper benders? Does he have alcohol problems? Is he hanging out with waifs and stays?

He's basically living a childless single mans life and expecting you to fit your life around his whims. Shows a huge lack of respect and consideration.

"Yes I stupidly did think he'd change. And he has improved but he's not stopped the behaviour completely".

People do not fundamentally change and you are still finding this a problem. If he does indeed have an alcohol problem he will not stop the behaviour either unless he wants to. You can do nothing to influence that process. Indeed he could go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

You have a choice re him; your children do not.

OP, he's not respecting you. He obviously doesn't care about your welfare, comfort or feelings. You have to manage looking after DC all by yourself whilst pregnant when he should be the supportive partner. He's selfish and, for all you know, could be up to no good. You have an unspoken right to be kept informed of where he is at that time of night. It's pure rudeness and lack of respect for him to not have the decency to respond. He should definitely give more notice of having a night out. I don't know how you put up with him and still be with him. Sympathies to you.

Just read more of your posts. It's very odd how he's ok in other areas but looses the plot.

What about letting him sleep next time and giving him a taste of his own medicine? Can you go stay with a friend/relative one night a few days after his night out. Make sure you are absent without any information available to him. Because it might help him understand how it feels.

OP this will never change, never, it could very well get worse.

I had the same with DH (and on a tangent I know it was never off the cuff the drinking was planned, telling me was off the cuff though)

I finally gave him an ultimatum. Before I did so I had found out where he could move to (his parents in my case) and how I was going to do with the children. I felt very trapped (from a different country to the one we live - his - county.)

You have to tell him it's the drink or his family and you absolutely HAVE to be prepared to leave him if he chooses drink.

There will be posters on here that tell you his behaviour is acceptable, and unless they have name changed I could name some of them. It isn't acceptable though.

I had a similar problem with XH. He did this for most of the latter years of our marriage, even to the point that he would go to the pub when he returned home from working away before he came home to me. i put up with it for many years, but it did annoy me. He clearly had a problem with alcohol but refused to admit it. It wasn't what split us up in the end, but it was certainly a warning I should have heeded much sooner than I did.

No, all men do not do this, just to confirm that if you needed it. I actually wish dh would go out more than he does. He would no more leave me not knowing where he was/at least some idea of when he would be back, than he would fly in the air. He was told at 21 he would never be able to drink due to a health problem, and stuck to that for ten years, when a doctor said he should be able to drink if he was careful. He now has about a pint every fortnight. Your dh clearly cannot control his behaviour around alcohol and he should be the one stressing about that, not you.

Sorry, but I think saying he's having an affair or is an alcoholic is way out of proportion to what the OP has told us. He goes out about once a month and is a sh@t about not telling her when he'll be back/gets carried away with his mates. That's the issue and shows a complete lack of respect for his wife. That's what needs tackling and maybe he does need an ultimatum at some point/scaring into realising what he's doing.
But I still think it's ok to go out, stay out late, get drunk once a month. As long as your partner is in the loop and has the chance to go out too.
That's all I've said. And I haven't name changed

Another one with an ex like this. I found it very difficult with two young children. I could not rely on him.
You can't change him, but you can change what you will accept. And then it's over to him to work out if he wants to change his behaviour.... Sounds simple, and in principle it is.
The challenge comes when he starts telling you you're unreasonable to want to live with someone who can be relied upon! Well you are not. And his reaction to you will tell you a lot about whether he is willing to change.
All I can say is that in my case it got more and more frequent. I should have put my foot down a long time before. Good luck.

But I still think it's ok to go out, stay out late, get drunk once a month. As long as your partner is in the loop and has the chance to go out too.

Whether or not that is ok, it is not the situation here.

The problem is not that there has been a break down in communication and it hasnt occurred to the OP to tell her DH that he needs to tell her when he will be home. (In an alternative universe where a reasonable person wouldn't know this already.)

Of course it's ok to go out and get drink once a month. But in a mature relationship it is appropriate to say what time you'll be home, and to be able to be contacted.

I agree Squeegle!

It's going to be very daunting making that change, but you need to otherwise this is your life ever.

You cannot just hope that if you give him the drink or family that he'll chose drink. You will have to have arrangements for leaving in place.
You simply cannot give third or subsequent chances.
You will need support from somewhere. (Friends or Al-Anon or both)

This is not a situation of 'going out once a month'. There's deceit and denial on his part along with the prioritising of alcohol over work and a lack of concern as to how this drinking effects his life and those around. As I said there will be poster who say this is acceptable. It is not. These posters either have no clue of the situation (fortunately for them) or are of the same mind set as your husband.

It is frightening to make the change. PM me if you want.

Do the same to him - leave him alone with the toddler - and see how he likes it. Obv not on a drinking binge but you could shop/see friends.

Doing the same to him won't get you anywhere in the long term. When drink isn't involved people with a drink problem can cope with situations and enjoy spending time with their family, and are lovely people to be around.

An alcoholic isn't an evil person, their life is controlled by alcohol and it is prioritised above all else, whether it's every single day or a few times a month, but once it's involved there's no reasoning with them that other things count. It's far harder to acknowledge (and others to accept) that your partner is an alcoholic when they don't fill that stereotype of drinking in the morning.

Your husband is an alcoholic. Please go to Al-Anon. This will never change. You and your kids deserve better.