unspeakably awful date

[dontcallnotdating]

I don't know why I didn't take my username's advice. Last night I went on a date with L. He was attractive and fun. We had a few drinks. I probably was a little tipsy, as was he. We kissed and held hands.
When he went to the bar, I nipped to the loo. When I'm tipsy I'm quite chatty. I made conversation with a tall guy asking him how tall he was. I wasn't flirting - I told him I was on a date and he'd met his girlfriend on the same site. When my date came back, the guy came over and introduced himself and showed us both pictures of his girlfriend.
When the bloke walked away, my date basically said I was a disgrace to talk to other men on a date and that it was the final nail in the coffin for him. My other faults were refusing to say how my last relationship ended, and not agreeing when he declared it was the best online date he'd ever had.
I ended up walking outside and sobbing in the street, while he just sat there, drinking his beer. The bloke from earlier saw me and was so disgusted by the guys behaviour, he paid for my taxi home, saying he wanted me to know there were good men in the world.
I got myself in such a state I even phoned the Samaritans last night overreaction, but the guy's behaviour made me feel absolutely worthless.

Pink, I don't think your friend should be discussing any of that with you, even vaguely.

Well done for taking the step to go back on your ADs. Hope you feel the benefits soon.

She doesn't mean you shouldn't have called them. pink means that it was a very small 'knock-back' that caused a catastrophic reaction in you. It's that disproportionate reaction that is making people think you should put dating to one side until your self-esteem is more robust.

A PP put it quite well I think - he was a dick, yes - but it wasn't "unspeakably awful" per se. What has made it "unspeakably awful" is that you reacted so badly to the rejection that it's left you feeling bereft, and sufficiently so to call the Samaritans feeling suicidal. That's what people are trying to address here, and trying to help you.

Yes that does make sense teapot. I only ever react like that if I drink though. Alcohol induces a terrible terrible depression that lasts days.

My counsellor thought writing was a good thing for me. I'm quite good at it, I enjoy it and it's like therapy. It also distances me from my feelings a little.

I don't think that you should stop writing, but I think the "but I'm writing a dating book, that's the problem!" sentiment you referred to earlier in this thread jars slightly. Why not put the "dating book" idea down for a bit and just decide to journal each day? Have you ever done The Artist's Way? That involves daily writing of your 'morning pages' which is very therapeutic.

Teapot that is exactly what I meant and I hope now that you have said the same thing the OP can understand my post about it. OP I've taken a lot of time to try to help you understand that you were not wrong to call them, but it was how you reacted to the events leading up to that which were out of proportion. I've explained this clearly, but if you can't understand that then there is no more I can say. I wish you well.

Pink I do understand what you mean now, yes. I am not too bad at understanding things you know.

you called it an overreaction in your op

Yes in the sense that it was out of proportion to the event that triggered it. Which pink has now clarified that is what she meant too. But I was justified to call them, due to the thoughts I was having at the time.
Let's not start picking apart the wording in my OP over 200 posts ago. We're not in court and this isn't AIBU. I've clarified since then.

what work are you supposed to be doing on yourself re. CBT?
If you aren't, then you won't really benefit from it, you know.
You ought to be doing things like writing down positive things about yourself, positive achievements each day, and not focusing on the negative.
All the dating diary does it keep the bad stuff fresh in your mind and reinforces your sense of failure and poor self worth. You need to replace all of that with good things about yourself and your day. I hope your CBT therapist knows what they are doing because so many were trained up really quickly on short courses to fill the gap in the system.

I have a diary I've been using, but I felt so low the past day or two that I didn't feel able to do it

Christ, what a penis! You had a lucky escape there. Imagine having to put up with that level of drama! because you committed the darstardly deed of talking to a bloke!

Try not to let other's weird insecurities affect you. Makes life easier.

Wishing you well with the depression. Not the easiest thing to deal with,

The usual way to work with CBT is to practise daily techniques on your thinking / mindset to change negative behaviour. Keeping a diary is not always constructive if it's merely recording your thoughts- if they are negative. If this is what you have been asked to do, have you also been asked to do other things- or might you ask your therapist for other things to do? The crux of CBT is 'change'.- cognitive= thinking, behaviour= the way you react. I appreciate it might be early days - not sure how much you have had- but it doesn't sound as if you have really engaged with the process. What's your feeling on it?

Oh, and a tip from a counsellor. Just one counsellor at a time. Maybe CBT first then the more in-depth stuff to follow. Counsellors have different ways of working, And their methods will conflict. Leaving you feeling confused. Thus cancelling out any benefit for you.

I expect you have seen this from the NHS website but if not it has some helpful information especially the part about Further Sessions and practising certain things.

[http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/How-does-it-work.aspx]]

i think if writing your dating book gives you pleasure, keep at it !

just a quick note re the ADs. coming off them quickly will almost certainly be having an impact on how you are feeling/reacting. if I remember directly you are supposed to wean yourself off them gradually. a friend of mine came off them quickly and she suffered for weeks with symptoms such as disrupted sleep, increased
anxiety etc. not nice at all and it really knocked her for six because she felt it undid her hard work (it didn't).

re the alcohol - I come from a family who use alcohol. I know I have a propensity to use it as a means to relax and feel 'my best self' especially when out (feel more attractive, funny, confident etc) I've learned the hard way - lots of blackouts, injuries, terrible terrible shame/depression the next day - really damaged myself both inside and out. I discovered through my own counselling that when I most feel like drinking is when I should definitely avoid it - because it's filling a need then. only it doesn't fill it, it makes me feel good for a bit but then provides a fast track to all
my deep seated emotions like pain, fear and anger, and BANG out they come.

I learned to see that the stuff that was
coming out through booze needed to come out - just not that way - but in a safe way. I see the way you behave after drinking as a sign of the bits of yourself to need to attend to. drinking just brings them out in an uncontrollable way, leaving you blindsided by them and it pushes them further down inside you because you then feel ashamed of the behaviour you did while feeling that way. try not to feel ashamed - that is your most vulnerable self and it needs you to love it and be kind to it. you can learn to do this with the help of your counsellor if you want to.

hope this helps in some small way. you're not alone in this.

Dubby

Great post , this is what don't and many others may need.

No one is ever totaly alone be it on forums Mayes Samaritans ( who wen I called a few years ago after loosening a very much job helped me )

You can't always confide in one's you love

really sorry but i haven't read the thread i've been trying to get on the train for a few days but pc troubles.

just wanted to post do not stop taking antidepressants suddenly! it's the old thing where people think they feel well and don't need them anymore. But they are powerful psychotropic drugs and it's a disaster to stop them suddenly.

very probably the extreme emotional disorientation you are feeling is because of the sudden cessation of antidepressants and not because you are not well enough to stop. please don't take it too seriously the symptoms you are currently experiencing. It could well be because the antidepressant was suddenly withdrawn. i'm sorry if this has been covered in the thread already.

the best way to stop taking antidepressants is too s-l-o-w-l-y grade down the dosage over a period of time, not to stop them suddenly.sorry to repeat this it needs repeating.

Btw your account of the date sounds very upsetting. i'm not surprised you cried.

Hiya. I deleted my MN reg as I was getting distressed by this thread. But the last few posts have been so helpful. The crash I'm experiencing has been sudden and v dramatic and what springydaffs said about sudden cessation of ads makes sense. I feel like I'm absolutely bouncing off the walls today and it's pretty horrible. All the talk of dating is quite irrelevant at the moment, I'm in bed feeling shocking. It isn't my normal modus operandi and what springydaffs said just made me realise that I was getting better and these feelings are a symptom of sudden medication withdrawal. That combined with an upsetting experience and too much alcohol has made me feel awful.
I'm not going to stick around, while lots of the comments have been absolutely brilliant and I'm grateful, others have been v difficult for me to read. I just wanted to thank the posters who took the time to help. I appreciate it.

Look after you x

Depression is a beast Don'tCall . Hopefully your new medication will start kicking in soon and please do open up to your counsellor a bit more. It's a long slow step-by-step journey but there will be light at the end of the tunnel one day. In the meantime, please be kind to yourself xx

Phew, glad you've heard that op. Why oh why don't GPs TELL people how important it is to carefully come off ads???

Btw I can't hack alcohol these days either re emotional well-being. Too much of a risk for me, Russian roulette.

I hope you bob back up soon and pick up where you left off. See this as a blip xx

I don't want to seem unsympathetic OP but it seems to me that you've had a real piece of luck here in finding out the guy was a total arse at the outset before you invested a lot of time and emotion in him.

Looking back on it I think you'll realise your guardian angel was looking out for you on that date.

OP you've had a lucky escape.

Please find out more about AA - you need to stop drinking.

Oh and people with distinctive physical characteristics tend to get fed up with people mentioning it as though they're the first one to notice. 'Gosh you're really tall - how tall are you?' is awful.