unspeakably awful date

[dontcallnotdating]

I don't know why I didn't take my username's advice. Last night I went on a date with L. He was attractive and fun. We had a few drinks. I probably was a little tipsy, as was he. We kissed and held hands.
When he went to the bar, I nipped to the loo. When I'm tipsy I'm quite chatty. I made conversation with a tall guy asking him how tall he was. I wasn't flirting - I told him I was on a date and he'd met his girlfriend on the same site. When my date came back, the guy came over and introduced himself and showed us both pictures of his girlfriend.
When the bloke walked away, my date basically said I was a disgrace to talk to other men on a date and that it was the final nail in the coffin for him. My other faults were refusing to say how my last relationship ended, and not agreeing when he declared it was the best online date he'd ever had.
I ended up walking outside and sobbing in the street, while he just sat there, drinking his beer. The bloke from earlier saw me and was so disgusted by the guys behaviour, he paid for my taxi home, saying he wanted me to know there were good men in the world.
I got myself in such a state I even phoned the Samaritans last night overreaction, but the guy's behaviour made me feel absolutely worthless.

He actually mentioned the fact that I wouldn't tell him why I broke up with my ex as a fault!!

What happened reflected badly on him, not you. That man L whom you met up with was a loser who is not worth crying over. Such men like L also hate women, all of them.

Love your own self for a change and do not date for a year. You are far too fragile to be dating currently, you need to love your own self fully first. You do not need anyone else to validate you and a relationship is not going to fix you.

Oh lemony I spoke the other guy on the way back from the loo

I guess so. I'm just lonely.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

It really doesn't sound like you're ready for online dating. I've had a few awful ones and honestly they've been put down as stories to tell.

He was a knob and you really did dodge the bullet. Let it go and do some more work on yourself.

Do you work, have interests, a social life?.

You need to find other ways to address your loneliness, dating is not the overall answer to loneliness here.

Love your own self for a change and keep on working on rebuilding your own self worth.

My stepdad was violent/abusive. My dad absent. So I didn't learn anything good. I've really really worked hard though at counselling and CBT. I stopped my ads a couple of weeks ago though and probably shouldn't. Thought I was better.

My life is work and kids. Love my job. I write a bit as a hobby. My friends don't go out much, so I don't go out a huge amount except on dates.

The guy you were on a date with sounds absolutely awful. Don't cry about losing him, as he was an utter loser to start with.

The rest of it doesn't sound so great for you, you obviously are a bit fragile and even if you weren't, dating can be really harsh and quite difficult psychologically, you do get rejected even by nice people and everyone I know who has done online dating has had to take a break after a while because it's just got too much for them.

I didn't used to drink more than one glass when dating in the end because I wanted to keep my wits about me in terms of making decisions about what to do, go home, make an excuse, make another date, make a run for it. I also once went on a date with a guy who started getting physical with me and I was pretty glad I was fairly sober. I have met guys when plastered however and it was fine, but once dating online/people you really don't know at all, you are quite vulnerable to twattish people.

Poor you dontcall. I'm also from a background with an abusive stepfather and absent dad, and it doesn't make for a healthy outlook on things, does it at times? It's probably why I married the first kind man I went out with, because I just wanted kindness rather than drama.

Maybe the Ads need restarting. I'd talk to your dr or counsellor. And perhaps if you do start internet dating again a coffee or alcohol-free situation might be better so that you feel more in control. i guess wine makes you miss those early 'nob-alert' clues that you really need in these situations.

You wouldn't agree it was the best on-line date you'd ever had??? Why did that have you sobbing in the street??? He's a complete arse, you're well rid.
Work on your self esteem before venturing into any sort of dating again, or you're a sitting duck for the loonies at large (and they are Legion).

I think you're right, Napoleon. I did meet someone for a coffee last week who I'm supposed to be seeing again next week and he was nice. I was more 'me' without alcohol. I really think the alcohol has to go. I was really quite vulnerable there.

It's appeared from your recent threads that both alcohol and dating are no good for you, at the moment. It's not surprising that you delved back, since they have been your go-to fixes in the recent past, and it's also not surprising that the result was a bad one.

You'd discussed seeking other ways to develop a social life, avoiding alcohol and dates, in one of your last threads. How has that been going?

What happened to not drinking for a year? IIRC you were posting around NYE saying you'd decided you needed to stop that and the dating until you sorted yourself out.

I'm not saying that to be critical, but I do think it's worth reminding yourself that not long ago you knew that the two were not good for you and that you needed to stop. Counselling can be a long road ahead. I still think you need make being able to be happy single your priority.

So sorry you experienced this though. Be kind to yourself, your radar is still off - but it won't be forever, just for right now.

He sounds like a know OP. As someone said up thread, his behaviour reflects badly on him not you. You are well shot of him and worth so much more.

Do something nice for yourself today and try not to let this loser get you down.

I tried not drinking and it was too hard. I have reduced it dramatically. I don't drink at all at home or during the week. I drink once every two weeks maybe. I've been drunk twice since the start of the year. I don't think my levels of drinking are a problem in terms of physical health or anything, I'm usually alcohol free. But last night wasn't great really. I become a bit 'zany' on wine. I'm actually a pretty calm person. I remember my date last night telling me how laid back he was, but I was terribly rude etc. Maybe he's right.
I tried social groups and they made me feel lonelier.
I thought I was better. It's so frustrating I feel like not trying to get better.

One early cue I should've picked up on was when he was talking about the internet and he said 'yes it's great for research and for...well...I'm a single man.' Obviously referring to his porn habit

I still think I feel like I need to prove I'm good enough for a relationship

I'm sorry you had such a crappy night, but I'm another one who thinks you really dodged a bullet there. What a controlling asshole he sounds.

The thing is with drinking- it's fun in a big group or a couple of girlfriends, but when out with a strange guy on your own, it just leaves you less able to get out of the situations you are in, plus you don't have a lovely friend there to rescue you. I always asked my female friends to text me after a blind date, to know they were ok (even if it was to text, 'back at his, see you tomorrow' and then text the next morning).

Also, it sounds like when you drink, it is bringing up a lot of emotions. That coupled with coming off the AD's was just a bad combination.

Look, chalk it up to experience, perhaps think about whether coming off the ADs is right for you- it may be if you don't drink too much/put yourself out of your comfort zone for a few weeks, it may be you would be better off back on them.

You are better- you felt better 90% of the time. Then you had a wobble, but everyone has down days and bad experiences, that's a hint to you that you need to be very kind to yourself, you are better but still recovering.

As for meeting up with guys, if you like this one you had a coffee with, go and don't drink or have one. And text a friend when you get back home safely. And, if he's a knobber and says things like this guy did, just make an excuse you've got a headache and go home.

Perhaps even stop dating for a while to recover, it's tough out there.

Sorry about your grim date

I second a casual coffee for a first meet up.

I treated OD like a production line ....it was like a scene from 'the trap door' mostly wondering what was going to lurch out next!!

I actually found it all quite amusing though even the bad ones. Although what you describe last night was not funny in the slightest. What an ugly soul he was. Lucky you!!

Don't be hard on yourself....treat it all a little more light heartedly if you can. I used to call the the homepage of my account where all the pics come up the Little Shop of Horrors....

I'm driving to meet the next guy, so it'll be for lunch. I find men don't think I'm zany when I don't drink. I took myself off the ads without consulting the doctor, too.

One scoop I laughed at the trapdoor image

Why do you need to be 'zany' just be you!!