unspeakably awful date

[dontcallnotdating]

I don't know why I didn't take my username's advice. Last night I went on a date with L. He was attractive and fun. We had a few drinks. I probably was a little tipsy, as was he. We kissed and held hands.
When he went to the bar, I nipped to the loo. When I'm tipsy I'm quite chatty. I made conversation with a tall guy asking him how tall he was. I wasn't flirting - I told him I was on a date and he'd met his girlfriend on the same site. When my date came back, the guy came over and introduced himself and showed us both pictures of his girlfriend.
When the bloke walked away, my date basically said I was a disgrace to talk to other men on a date and that it was the final nail in the coffin for him. My other faults were refusing to say how my last relationship ended, and not agreeing when he declared it was the best online date he'd ever had.
I ended up walking outside and sobbing in the street, while he just sat there, drinking his beer. The bloke from earlier saw me and was so disgusted by the guys behaviour, he paid for my taxi home, saying he wanted me to know there were good men in the world.
I got myself in such a state I even phoned the Samaritans last night overreaction, but the guy's behaviour made me feel absolutely worthless.

My CBT therapist thinks I should. She just thinks I need to deal with my spiralling thoughts and underlying fears, journal it and continue with my therapy. Avoidance doesn't help you to deal with the feelings. It's probably better for me to date now, with her support. But alcohol I agree I'll avoid. I'm not seeking anyone else out, but this guy seems nice so far.

To clarify, she thinks I'm ok to continue dating

Still feel pretty awful

To be fair though dont your CBT counselling is advising you on half the information if you haven't told her that you were physically and emotionally abused by your stepfather.

My father hit me too. He doesn't now. I suspect not because he's changed, but because as a strong adult not a vulnerable child, he knows he'd be facing an assault charge.

You need to deal with your demons over that disgrace of a man. Start by trying to tell your therapist what you've told us. x

Even if you and your therapist are in agreement about you dating ATM, I think it would be better for you to bring it all down a notch or two.
Go out for coffee a few times, then maybe an art gallery or tourist spot, certainly don't have any alcohol.

While you are doing that, you should also be working on your own self esteem, so that you will find it easier to cope with the total twats you are sure to meet.

I hope you tell your therapist all that you have mentioned here, they may well change their view.

Take any new relationships very slowly, and don't offer your trust immediately. If you my daughter I would be encouraging you to leave OLD for the time being, and instead focus on making face to face friends with people who you share interests with.

I went on a date a while ago and while I was at the bar buying the drinks, I was talking to the barman as I knew the owner who had just taken over from the pub. It was a short chat about the changes they were making to the menu etc.

I sat down with my date and he said, "behave yourself, you're on a date with me"....he was very serious when he said it. I didn't pick him up on it but made my excuses and left. I told him later that I wouldn't be seeing him again.

I mention the above because I was angry at how he spoke to me. It was totally his controlling behaviour and once I walked away I didn't dwell on it.

dont - if a date can make you feel like that and 24 hours on you still feel awful about it all then please take some time out from dating to address your past, gain some confidence and to avoid the temptation to drink.

Please see your GP, you shouldn't just stop ADs without medical advice and supervision.

There are a couple of judgemental comments on here but there is also lots of good advice and actual concern for your welfare, please focus on those ones, you will get there

I'd be worried about taking your therapist's advice to continue dating, if you're not telling her everything. Does she know how important it is to you that people like you?

I think it's one thing to date carefully when you're not 100%, whilst you're having therapeutic support.

But if a specific issue is making bad judgements because you want people to be attracted to you, that's something I personally think should be dealt with a bit more before dating.

I also think it would be no bad thing to hold off on physical contact on first dates. No moral judgement - I've had sex on a first date. But I think you have a particular vulnerability if you have a need to be found attractive - and you'll end up kissing guys like the one last night before you know them at all. Fine that that happened - don't dwell on it, write it off now. But I'd think about a no first date snogging rule.

The other thing that struck me, about not telling your counsellor...

You told the Samaritans guy that you'd tried really hard and nothing had changed, so you feel it won't ever change. Well, I don't doubt you've tried hard - CBT is bloody hard - but you haven't tried everything. You haven't tried telling your counsellor the whole lot. So - please see that as a positive helpful thing! There is still more you can try.

Also struck me your comment about the book, awful stories can be made funny. You know what, when you're feeling quite emotionally robust, I absolutely agree. If no arsehole beat and mocked you as a child, then laughing instead of crying about a bad date is a great strategy. Laugh, move on.

But if you're still dealing with issues, then laughing about it might actually be unhelpful. Maybe you're minimising bad things, instead of getting angry about them. Sometimes, it's healthy to be angry about them.

What actually happened really wasn't that bad. A lot of the issue is what could have happened because you were drunk with a stranger ("vague memories" means more than tipsy) and therefore your safety.

So, you had too much to drink… and I don't know where you are but 'small glasses of wine these days are often 175ml x 3 = more than 2/3 a bottle of wine, cocktail = at least a couple of shots of spirits + in a bar so drinking faster than over dinner + feeling a bit buzzed because 'attractive and fun' date has shown he fancied you and that's exciting + your alcohol tolerance is going to be way down because you don't drink regularly… lesson learnt on that score. Not surprised you feel shaky and down today… many of us have been there in 'the pit of shame' even at the best of times with nothing else going on in our lives!

No need to feel humiliated. You don't have to ever see this guy again. He doesn't 'know' the real you so what he thinks is irrelevant. A lot of people online dating have their own baggage (and I say this as someone who met my lovely DH online dating) and this kind of scenario is really not that off the wall.

As others have said, you probably should take a step back from dating, however, until you are happy with yourself and not in a position to have your self-worth so rapidly boosted or depleted by others. Be honest with your counsellor and GP - it's confidential and they are there to help you. As handful says - you will get there!

Just as an aside, re the second bloke paying for your taxi home.....

When ever you go out and about always make sure that you have got enough money with you to get home safely.

Yes, it was kind of him, but accepting money from someone you had barely spoken to put you in a very much more vulnerable position, and it could have all ended very differently.
I think you need to diicuss creating firm boundaries with your therapist.

Hope you get a peaceful sleep tonight OP, tomorrow is another day

When you get to a better place emotionally, you won't be so "other" focused. You won't think of initiating a conversation with a strange man on the way to or from the loo. You won't chat up anyone who is around. You won't volunteer a bunch of personal information such as you are on a date with someone you met on a dating site - to a total stranger who you walk past.

You will see how odd being so "other" focused is - once you have confidence, self worth and self esteem. You won't be so needy.

From what I read, dont did have enough money to get home but accepted the money from the tall man because she was upset and drink had clouded her judgement.

As an outsider looking in, I am glad you got home safe but I hope this is your epiphany to start to value yourself and change your behaviours as you are worth so much more.

Please take some time out and use the support available to help you.

Ah. Attention-seeking person writing book about internet dating. Hides thread.

Harsh and no need for that post!

If you had read any of her other posts, you would know that she needs support.

I have joyously not dated for 3 years
I have never felt better in terms of how I feel in myself (lots of other chaos, mind) but really, take time out from dating. liberating. I have no plans to return to dating anyone for at least another 3 years.

I think the writing book thing is a red herring. I don't care what happens to it, I'm not a professional writer. I just write my experiences down, like a kind of diary. Clearly some people don't like that
Also I wonder if fuckingliability sees the irony of declaring a poster to be attention seeking and then posting simply to state her intention to hide the thread.

I've told my CBT therapist about the abuse but not my counsellor.

I wonder if some of the judgemental people on this thread have been through what I have and come out of it functioning pretty damn well actually. Just had a review at work, I'm excellent at what I do according to my boss, I have three happy and well adjusted dc and also run my own small business. I made a mistake. It's not entirely my fault, though. I drink too much on the odd occasion. I am working on my issues.

Attention seeking? Yes. Aren't we all? Isn't that the point of mumsnet? When I was 14, I took a paracetamol overdose at school, partly due to the trauma of home. One boy at school declared that I was attention seeking when I got back from hospital. He was right of course. But forgive me for thinking that fully grown adults might have a slightly more subtle understanding of why someone wants attention.

People on MN know my situation. I'm in touch with people offsite. I've been on here years. A lot of effort for a fucking book

Rationally, we can see that FL but if someone has low self esteem and lowers boundaries to the point of being at risk then they clearly need support.

FWIW, I have my own thoughts on the writing about dating and showing all. I made that clear on a thread a few days ago and I was one of the only ones who was against it.

To write about experiences of dating as a journal for personal use, that's different but to post on a thread in relationships, I don't agree with that and feel quite strongly against it. But, the OP is fragile right now and one comment can really knock her.

The out of proportion thoughts are anxiety FL. That's what it is. It's not rational. It's a mental health issue. This is what I do in CBT. If I was rational I wouldn't need it. If my reactions were balanced I wouldn't qualify for CBT on the Nhs

Op if you do go back on the ads, definitely stop drinking. I can't count on half a hand the number of occasions I've had "blackouts" and on each of those occasions I was on an ssri and had actually not drunk much - for me ads and alcohol don't mix.

Why not change the focus of your writing to "ways to boost my self esteem that does not involve alcohol or dating" - you can document your journey, the bad dates and then the realisation that it was not doing you any good.

Alcohol induced depression is very common. I on e read in a medical textbook that in most people with mild-moderate depression if they stopped drinking for 2 weeks their symptoms would disappear.

I can also relate to feeling that I have always hated myself, but I think that is the depression talking. When I am depressed I find it hard to remember ever being happy, but when I am better I can objectively look back and remember the better times. The despair and hopelessness is a classic symptom of the depression itself. You can and will get through this, but dating is not right for you right now. I am just out of a relationship and I am in no rush to look for anyone else. Yes it would be nice to find someone eventually, but right now I am just too fragile. X

At the moment, dating is not going to bring you what you want. That can't happen, because you are in a fragile, messed-up state and nice men, ie ones that don't have a need or a desire to control women, abuse them or feel superior to them, are going to back off. They are going to say to themselves, too needy, too much drama, not for me thanks. The sort of men who will want to pursue a relationship with you the way you are now will, I'm afraid, not be nice. They might be the 'kitten rescuer' type who will do all the Strong Protective Manly stuff and then turn arsey once you recover enough to assert yourself; they might be the type who need a lot of drama themselves so it will be all Never Felt This Way We Are Twin Souls one minute and I Can't Beleeeeeeeeve you don't like Radiohead as much as I do, I never want to see you again WAAAA the next - or they might just be bullies who like having someone around who will put up with any old crap and beg for more.

It's only when you are psychologically well enough to be happy as a single person that you are in any kind of shape to date, oddly enough.

I feel physically a bit shaky. I've shared some v personal stuff on this thread. My friend came round earlier and said she doesn't understand this need I have to serve my life up on a plate for people to criticize. But she thinks I am getting better. She said in the past I'd be bouncing off the walls after a night like that, but I was calm today.
I guess it must be hard to understand mental health issues from the outside. I'm not trying to shirk responsibility at all, or say that I behaved particularly well. But my reactions are out of proportion because I'm still not 100% well, I don't think - though I'm doing much better than I was. Sometimes we have triggers - mine is 'I must be attractive' and 'I must not be rejected' and I find I react very badly if something hits one of those triggers. I can break it down rationally and often quite successfully now. But the depressant effect of alcohol undoes a lot of the good work I do in therapy (again that's why I don't drink often). So for a few days I'll feel pretty low, then I will bounce back to where I was. Just saw MN as a place of support in the meantime.

If you're judging me, it won't be anywhere near as harsh to the judging I'm doing of myself.

You're right SGB. But I really was doing so much better and thought I was there. I think without alcohol I am almost. The alcohol really really exaggerates a pre existing depression. So I thought I was ready to date, thought I could control my alcohol intake, but on this occasion I couldn't. Last week I had a v pleasant coffee date that was fine.

But those two triggers are so very much related to dating! Needing to be thought of as attractive and fearing rejection. It's not like, say, a fear of heights. Those are right at the core of dating.
I am really surprised that a therapist would say carry on dating, at least whilst the only way you feel certain you won't drink is by forcing your hand by driving.