unspeakably awful date

[dontcallnotdating]

I don't know why I didn't take my username's advice. Last night I went on a date with L. He was attractive and fun. We had a few drinks. I probably was a little tipsy, as was he. We kissed and held hands.
When he went to the bar, I nipped to the loo. When I'm tipsy I'm quite chatty. I made conversation with a tall guy asking him how tall he was. I wasn't flirting - I told him I was on a date and he'd met his girlfriend on the same site. When my date came back, the guy came over and introduced himself and showed us both pictures of his girlfriend.
When the bloke walked away, my date basically said I was a disgrace to talk to other men on a date and that it was the final nail in the coffin for him. My other faults were refusing to say how my last relationship ended, and not agreeing when he declared it was the best online date he'd ever had.
I ended up walking outside and sobbing in the street, while he just sat there, drinking his beer. The bloke from earlier saw me and was so disgusted by the guys behaviour, he paid for my taxi home, saying he wanted me to know there were good men in the world.
I got myself in such a state I even phoned the Samaritans last night overreaction, but the guy's behaviour made me feel absolutely worthless.

If I go for coffee or lunch I won't drink. But these dates where he's drinking and we are in a pub are all set up around drinking, so I'd rather just avoid the situation entirely. I have been on a date recently where I met the guy for drinks and I did drink moderately (two and switched to diet coke). But last night made me realise I can't guarantee that yet. Plus I forgot to eat before going out.

The CBT though isn't about avoiding your trigger situations. Avoidance isn't a coping mechanism.

Though obviously avoiding alcohol is a different matter! I haven't really talked much about that - as I had largely stopped drinking at all, but it's these sporadic binges that undo my hard work.

Don't

I honestly think you're in no place to date.

Drinking is not the problem. You're way to emotionally raw to be dating its actually doing your self esteem no good.

I'm quite tired I will post more tomorrow.

You should read the most recent post by SGB- it's good advice and says what a lot of us are advising.

You are right that CBT is not about avoiding triggers- but at the same time, you are also having counselling for your issues. Who is telling you to carry on dating- the CBT person or the counsellor?

Whichever, it's not really their place to advise to that degree. If you have said to them that you feel like carrying on dating, I can see them saying 'ok we will work on that if you like'- but I doubt they are actively suggesting you date. (I know a lot of counsellors as friends and colleagues, and have some knowledge of CBT via my own work.)

I don't think you can see it as others can. It's not 'normal' behaviour to get chatting to a strange guy in a bar and within a few minutes tell him you are on a date and where you met that date. Your date was justified in being a bit narked that you disappeared and then showed up talking to someone else. His behaviour was OTT, BTW, and he's an arse- but many decent men would have made a mental note of your behaviour and seen it was a red flag. A nicer man may have ended the evening soon-ish but more politely.

It is also not 'normal' behaviour to come onto a forum and talk so much about what- with hindsight- should be just a bad date where you made a tit of yourself. It would not warrant calling the Samaritans - it might warrant a call to a friend and a bit of a laugh over it and the awareness you'd made yourself vulnerable to something that could have ended much worse- rape, violence etc.

It's no good defending your readiness to date by comparing it with behaviour at work; work is a controlled, structured and professional environment with clear boundaries. Dating is about your emotions and you have to set your own boundaries.

If I was a bloke I'd not want to date you. You have too much 'stuff' going on psychologically. You'd be hard work, fragile, a loose cannon. You might even spend hours writing about me in a journal and post it on a public forum!!!!

Why not just broaden your circle of friends- meet men and women- join a group like MeetUp which is in all big cities- and stop looking for a relationship for a while. You aren't ready - too much 'stuff' going on in your head that needs sorting.

A couple of thoughts I have. One is just to echo everyone else saying don't drink. I have OCD, and for that and a number of other reasons have gone teetotal. I love it. I found I can still enjoy myself but feel completely in control, wake up without a hangover (unless I drink too many sugary drinks ), feel healthier and have saved money. Plus no post-drinking depression or anxiety.

Second post is something I picked up on what you said that reminded me about some very helpful CBT I had recently. Look into 'negative core beliefs'. I can't remember the exact term, but it's a model that suggests that many people hold negative core beliefs about the world or themselves, and seek desperately for evidence that backs up those beliefs, in so doing, ignoring everything that contradicts it. We do this no matter how miserable it makes us. So if you believe that you do not deserve love, you will automatically focus on anything that you think supports that belief, and ignore everything else that proves that you are loveable. If I can find a useful link I will post it later.

I feel pretty low this morning. The 'warrant a call to the Samaritans' I do take issue with. It was about a feeling, not an event.
I'll stop writing. After lunch with A next week, if it goes nowhere I'll stop dating. I'm not on the sites now.
My negative core belief is 'I'm not good enough.' I don't believe I deserve a relationship.
My behaviour was not good. Alcohol erodes my boundaries. But I was on a date the week before where I behaved well.
I don't like the idea of my having too many issues to be 'good enough' (my words) to date. I just don't think I can drink. It induces horrific depression and makes me behave in a way I wouldn't in normal life.

You need to move on.

From what happened the other night I mean.

From what guywood?
This isn't about one date. It's about me.
Unfortunately I can't move on from myself.

Well you sum it up there, 'I don't think I can drink.' You know what you have to do.

Yes but it's not about that. It's about my belief that I'm 'not good enough' and working through that I suppose.

I feel like I'm irritating people on here now.

Yes I can't drink. A lot of these issues don't surface when I don't drink.

I feel a bit hurt when I'm described as 'psychologically fragile' when I think I'm quite strong and together normally. Words on a page might give that impression, but alcohol induced depression has a catastrophic effect on me. I don't think I appear that way in normal life.

When I have CBT, my therapist sees the real me and not this me.

Well you know it- you're negative core belief is you're not good enough. You don't believe you deserve a relationship yet you try and chase them (relationships I mean) like they are the holy grail of happiness. They are not, neither are they the marker of a 'good' person.
You really really need to continue working on yourself and turning your mindset into- I'm great- regardless of other people.

Nobody should be telling you you are unreasonable to feel how you feel. Nobody should be making you feel stupid for posting about it either. This is meant to be a supportive place. Be kind to yourself OP.

You seem to be deluding and also defending yourself.
People are trying to help but you seem unwilling to listen.

What you don't seem to 'get' is that we all behave differently in different situations. At work you manage fine ( I covered the reasons why in a previous post) but the issues you have show up when you are dating.

When I said calling Sam's was not warranted what I meant- just to spell it out- is that most people call Sam's when they are suicidal or really depressed and have no one to talk to. For most people a bad date would not warrant those feelings. If it does then there are deep underlying issues which mean they ought to stop dating and sort the issues out.

You ARE fragile and if you will accept this and work on your demons you will come out the other side. But if you keep on insisting that it's only about the drink, then you won't.

It's all very much me, me me- isn't it? You have 3 children yet you are spending so much time online and writing about dates that the whole thing - to me- seems to lack perspective. Why do you want to date so much anyway? Don't you have enough friends, hobbies and things to do with 3 kids to keep you happy and busy?

As SGB said, a nice man would be wary of getting involved as you are too needy and unstable. A bully or abuser might see you as an victim- and when it all goes tits up you'd then blame yourself and your self worth would take another hammering.

Ok

What a weirdo. Lucky escape!!

I don't think that's helpful pinkfrocks. When you are suffering with any kind of depression or anxiety disorder, you do become a bit 'me, me, me' because the world looks and feels different to people without any emotional problems.

I have tried so far without success to find a useful link OP, but I have remembered another key term 'confirmation bias'. If you Google that along negative core belief, you may find something useful.

I can identify with your core belief, and I know how painful it can be, and how it can impact on the way you feel about dating in general. It's definitely much harder if you have low self-esteem - in fact it's probably a recipe for disaster.

This might explain confirmation bias: lightwayofthinking.com/confirmation-bias-emotions-screwing-over/

Also, can I suggest that you read the poem 'Desiderata'? It always comforts me when I am feeling low.

dont - do you think your therapist would still tell you to date if you showed her this thread?

I think the alcohol is the start of it, and is symptomatic of other issues that need dealing with. If you stop drinking, you'll start to uncover them and can start to move through them. Don't be stigmatised by the thought of stopping drinking - it says nothing about you other than that you want to stop drinking. You don't need to be drinking every day or vast quantities to decide that you want to stop. I stopped 8 months ago just because I started to think it was 'getting in the way' of me moving forward with my life.

Although pinkfrocks comments come across a little harshly, I think what she's trying to say is that the me me me-ness of your posting is indicative of the fact that there are issues here that need sorting out. I used to behave similarly to you dont, way before I settled down with my exH and had kids. I'm almost divorced now and haven't felt remotely like dating in the 2.5 yrs since separation. I know at some point soon I will want to, but I do feel totally absorbed in my children's lives and know I only have the space in my brain to think about dating if it's going to make my life better and easier - not traumatising and harder! I also knew that I wanted to stop drinking before even thinking about dating again, because now that I've got children I just do NOT want to be getting myself into dodgy situations again.

But the point isshoes is that if the Op is depressed and has anxiety she ought to stop putting herself in situations that make her vulnerable and will add to her unhappiness.

I - and you?- don't know if she is depressed. She has anxiety and is having CBT but that is usually over 6 sessions on the NHS- short and sharp- and won't deal necessarily with the deep seated underlying issues. CBT is about helping people to change their mindsets and learn to find coping mechanisms. A lot of the work is done outside of the sessions when the client works on themselves. If someone has low self esteem and doesn't feel 'worthy' of a relationship or being loved, then chasing men via dating sites might actually only compound those negative feelings if the dating goes wrong- which it did.

People need to be whole, healed and happy to date- otherwise it will usually end up with them being hurt.

It's not an insult if someone calls you psychologically fragile, you know. It's just a fact.

Teapot yes thanks that IS what I was saying. I was trying to say that navel-gazing is a sign of having issues, and the two are intertwined. As someone else said, having the ability to laugh at your own misfortunes and see the funny side is perhaps a healthier reaction but taking a set back to heart so much is a sign that there is a lot going on that needs sorting.

Posted too soon!
I meant to say, it's a fact, and something you can do something about.
You want to move on from yourself, but you're not telling your counsellor and CBT therapist everything.
Surely it's worth putting your time and mentally energy into YOU, instead of dating, for now?