unspeakably awful date

[dontcallnotdating]

I don't know why I didn't take my username's advice. Last night I went on a date with L. He was attractive and fun. We had a few drinks. I probably was a little tipsy, as was he. We kissed and held hands.
When he went to the bar, I nipped to the loo. When I'm tipsy I'm quite chatty. I made conversation with a tall guy asking him how tall he was. I wasn't flirting - I told him I was on a date and he'd met his girlfriend on the same site. When my date came back, the guy came over and introduced himself and showed us both pictures of his girlfriend.
When the bloke walked away, my date basically said I was a disgrace to talk to other men on a date and that it was the final nail in the coffin for him. My other faults were refusing to say how my last relationship ended, and not agreeing when he declared it was the best online date he'd ever had.
I ended up walking outside and sobbing in the street, while he just sat there, drinking his beer. The bloke from earlier saw me and was so disgusted by the guys behaviour, he paid for my taxi home, saying he wanted me to know there were good men in the world.
I got myself in such a state I even phoned the Samaritans last night overreaction, but the guy's behaviour made me feel absolutely worthless.

I'm pretty outgoing and I can talk to people without alcohol. But it does help me to relax on a date I guess.

Just remembering things. My stepdad reading what I'd written about him in my diary and mocking it. Being made to pull every bit of hair out of the family hairbrushes while my mum was at work. I probably do need to talk about it. No good having counselling if I don't I suppose.

Yes, tall guy wasn't entirely a white knight.

Do something nice for yourself today. A bath, new lipstick, doesn't have to be anything big, but make sure it's something positive ( a nice healthy lunch, a walk in park.)

Your self worth seems to have taken a battering. Get that back before you go dating - even for the most rock solid, self loving person in the world, dating is a minefield.

Concentrate on your health, both physical and mental. Back to the gp - get any and all help that's offered. And be good to yourself. It sounds like such a little thing, but I know I'm terrible for doing everything for others and neglecting myself. You don't have to be a selfish prima Donna, but be good to yourself. You're worth it ( repeat a million times until it sticks.)

I think there a myth that an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is only when you're downing a bottle of vodka a night. It's not. its much more like the situation you had - being unable to get home safely, or making a descision you wouldn't have made sober. I'm sure an awful lot of us have been in those situations - I know as a student I certainly was.

I feel humiliated tbh. The more I think about it, the more I think it was my fault.

(not sure if this has been mentioned yet)
Please check if you can drink whilst taking your antidepressants.
Your reaction might have been because of that.

I stopped them over a week ago.

How old are your kids and who looks after them when you're out or drunk?

I go out once a month if that. I drink once a month probably. When my dc are safely with their father, boom. I don't think it's fair to insinuate that I'm neglecting them. The issue is that on the two occasions this year (so that's in 4 months) I have got drunk, I've lost control of my actions.
Social services would have a job on their hands if they had to deal with mothers who drink 3 wines and a cocktail on a night when the dc are at their fathers for the weekend
I don't leave them home alone each night while I fecklessly drink myself into oblivion.
But kick me while I'm down, hey?

I think the age of my dc is irrelevant.

In fact I probably drink less than most posters on here. That three glasses of wine and the cocktail was all I drank in six weeks!! I feel a bit judged actually now. I just wanted a space to be honest and admit that alcohol affects me badly when I'm out, particularly when I'm not eating properly, which I sometimes do. I'm aware I'm getting a bit defensive, but why the need to ask where my children are. Are mothers not allowed out or something?

The problem isn't how much you drink. It's the fact that you said you are not able to NOT drink.

I know. I can not drink but if I'm in a pub, on a night out, not driving, it would be a situation where I might drink too much. It doesn't always happen, but when it does I can't control my intake well. If I knew I had to be up early the next day or something then I could. I clearly do have some control. But I think alcohol affects me badly.
That still doesn't affect my children as I don't drink when I'm responsible for them, so that upsets me if people have that impression.
People who know me wouldn't say I had a drink problem either. It's just that for me, I don't like feeling out of control or behaving in a way I wouldn't normally. So for me it's a problem. It's not an issue where I'd drink daily or weekly, or when I have the dc, or when I have to drive the next morning or anything like that. But when I'm relaxed and I think I can drink, I don't know where my limits are.

As a tall person I'm surprised the tall bloke didn't just yawn when you asked him how tall he was, you can see how tall he is, this has got to be one of the dumbest conversation openers ever, It is like someone asking you how long you've had 2 feet!

Thanks wildbill. That was helpful

dontcallnotdating,

re your comment:-
"I don't love myself. I haven't actually even told my counsellor that my stepdad used to hit me and my mum, as we get on well now and I'd feel guilty. Once he hit me on my leg and his handprint came up in bubbles on my thigh. Once, on the way to school, he hit me with a hairbrush and each bristle pierced my skin and made it bleed. I hid it. When I was about six, I tried to come in between a fight with him and my mum and my lip was busted".

I think all this needs to be mentioned now to your counsellor, at the very least you do need to talk about the above. Keeping quiet helps no-one, least of all you.

Mother and stepfather in your life have let you down very badly and it looks like your mother stayed with him, her very own domestic abuser who was not above hitting you either, for her own (selfish) reasons. It was real and this did happen to you, its not your fault but theirs. Small wonder you feel like you are not good enough. You were abused and there has been a huge breech of trust here on their part. He may be old now but he did those things and you need to start opening up more about that part of your life.

You cannot even begin to hope to love another until you heal your own self and love your own self properly. How can you love another if you do not love yourself, its not going to happen. I think you use the drink as both a crutch and emotional support to make you feel more loveable and or good enough.

boomf that was an utterly shitty contribution from you

boomf that was an utterly shitty contribution from you

I've not read every single post and I don't know your back-history here which some people seem to, but my reaction is- you are not ready to date.
Your reaction to what happened is OTT.
Yes the guy behaved like a knob and you are well shot of him.

But- as others have said, drinking so that you are 'chatty' is not good.
On a first date you ought to be fully in control of your actions and that means controlling your drinking. If you need a drink to feel brave enough to date then you are not ready to date. It makes you vulnerable to plonkers like this one if you are not stone cold sober.

If you want to drink- half a bottle of wine and a cocktail- which is quite a lot in a few hours- then be responsible and make sure you go out having had a good meal first.

I don't agree with the behaviour of your date, but you clearly had more than a quick 'Hi' with the tall guy in so much as you discussed which dating sites you used. Your behaviour could be seen as flirtatious even if that was not your intent.

Why don't you take a different approach to online dating?
-meet for a coffee not a drink in a bar
-make it daytime
-limit it to an hour
-have your own means of getting home

But as others have said you need to work on your own self-worth before you are ready to have a relationship- in my honest opinion and I mean all of this kindly. Online dating can be brutal- you are not ready for it yet.

OP- one more point- if you like writing, why don't you join the creative writing forum on Mumsnet? People could critique your writing. It's incredibly hard to get published unless you have something highly original. and one thing you are in danger of with those excerpts you have left here is that even without names the men might be identified in RL- so you are onto a non-starter with that approach.

I have a nice man I'm meeting for a date 2. Our first date was coffee and cake and date 2 is lunch and I'm driving. So I'll stick to that plan but I've come off the sites, so if that goes nowhere then I won't date.

I've also just told him I'm training for a 10 k (true) so I'm not drinking as I'm on a health kick

I've taken steps to avoid identification of those men, so I'd doubt it - but yes, I'll do that pink. It's not about getting published really.

For your own safety you need to avoid drinking and dating. You know why(the reasons why it is dangerous) if you cannot know how much drink you can take.

There are some very basic safety rules for online /blind dating so just stick to them!

I'd also be a bit wary of allowing a 2nd date alone with me in my car ( do you mean you are giving him a lift or you are driving yourself there?). I'd still want to meet in a public place a few more times, have my own car to leave as and when, ( and completely sober).

However, I'd go along with SGB and say try to meet men through interests, sport, friends, clubs etc where you are not under pressure and can see them as friends not dates to start with.

Re. the writing- if you call a date who was a teacher 'Mr teacher' then that is not good enough- he could recognise himself.

I know the column you meant about the woman who was online dating- she wrote for The Times- called herself the Plankton.

well thank goodness you found out what a prick he was on your first date and not on your wedding day. Seems like you had a lucky escape.
God help the next poor women.

No pink, I'm driving myself there and meeting him, so no trouble there. He lives a fair whack away, so if I dated him I'd be driving a lot. I'm not thinking about getting my book published, but if I did I'd take advice on that.

Honestly, I would stay away from dating for a while.