unspeakably awful date

[dontcallnotdating]

I don't know why I didn't take my username's advice. Last night I went on a date with L. He was attractive and fun. We had a few drinks. I probably was a little tipsy, as was he. We kissed and held hands.
When he went to the bar, I nipped to the loo. When I'm tipsy I'm quite chatty. I made conversation with a tall guy asking him how tall he was. I wasn't flirting - I told him I was on a date and he'd met his girlfriend on the same site. When my date came back, the guy came over and introduced himself and showed us both pictures of his girlfriend.
When the bloke walked away, my date basically said I was a disgrace to talk to other men on a date and that it was the final nail in the coffin for him. My other faults were refusing to say how my last relationship ended, and not agreeing when he declared it was the best online date he'd ever had.
I ended up walking outside and sobbing in the street, while he just sat there, drinking his beer. The bloke from earlier saw me and was so disgusted by the guys behaviour, he paid for my taxi home, saying he wanted me to know there were good men in the world.
I got myself in such a state I even phoned the Samaritans last night overreaction, but the guy's behaviour made me feel absolutely worthless.

Op: are you persisting with online dating purely to have writing material?

Dear god, you are a danger to yourself.

I know it is not good to victim blame, but thank goodness tall guy was a decent man.

Stop drinking.

I'm a bit worried about you dont. When you say you have a vague memory are you saying you were in blackout? It sounds as though you were.

I think you need to leave his behaviour to one side and just focus on your own. First things first, you may decide not to stop drinking but I do think you need to decide to stop drinking on dates. You may also need to decide to stop dating altogether for a while. Even with all else being equal, every single time you dip your toe into the murky water, you end up in emotional distress. It isn't working for you right now. It isn't fun, it's perilous. It doesn't have to be forever, but for now you need to take care of yourself.

I also think the "I'm writing a book about dating" is a bit unhealthy. You've spoken often about it before. No matter how good your writing is, with the state of mind you are in this book will not have the right tone - why don't you turn it into a journal about improving your happiness and your quest to be happy on your own; rather than on all the different "types" of men there are out there. The fact is there are hundreds of types - and by the sounds of it you're not really ready to date any of them. I know you don't want to hear it, but it isn't the catastrophe you think it is. You just need to believe that.

The thing is, I think the book is good and things that are awful in real life become funny stories in the book. But I'm not happy. I want to meet someone but I know I can't in this state.
Last night I told the Samaritans guy that I've felt this way all my life and despite really really trying to help myself, nothing has worked. Therefore, it will never work. So what is the point?
I have this need to be admired all the time. I am quite attractive and I need constant validation. But I don't actually like myself at all. Despite thinking the CBT was working (I really did think that) I think when I drink it sabotages any progress. I get severe alcohol induced depression. God I'm a bit of a bloody mess really.
The thing is, objectively, I'm quite bright, respected at work, good at my job, have friends. Yet I really really loathe myself deep down. I'm not sure why.

Can you just stop drinking for a year?
It would help so much to sort everything else out.

I think you are dating anyone and everyone just to get stories for your book.

You are sabotaging your mental health with the bloody book.
Presumably you are dreaming of being a rich, famous author.

I do remember the weekly column in the Saturday Guardian, written about family life with teenagers by the mother.
When the son found out his moods and antics were being read by thousands, he was heart broken.
In a way the mother messed up her family, just so she could have a good story.

Stop drinking and stop dating for a year and you will get better.

No I genuinely only date people I would have dated anyway. Honestly I have no desire to become rich and famous, I just love writing. I started it as a cathartic thing really, when a relationship ended, so the dating preceded the book. I really wanted the book to be authentic, so I don't manipulate situations for the book.

But yes I need to stop drinking

We have all been there with the alcohol .
I know I drink to much at times , it happens ,

But that doesn't help he was a shit to her , that's not excusable ,I'm not saying alcohol an excuse but don't should be allowed to talk to who she likes.

Lucky that nice man was around.

I had a date last year and I was drunk , he was nasty and some bloke was nice enough to get me out of situation , he and his gf walked me to the bus stop stayed with me I was upset.

Thanks jesy. And sorry that you had a bad experience too.
I feel pretty awful and shaky today

I don't think he was a thoroughly nice man, actually. If he had a girlfriend (good story that he met her on the same dating site, huh?) what do you think she'd say about him chatting to OP, interrupting her date, following her outside when she was upset and taking her clubbing, holding her hand?

Sounds like he's not a total arsehole because he saw her into a taxi when she changed her mind. OP doesn't even remember this clearly so she must have been pretty drunk, not tipsy. And fortunately it seems he saw that.

Could have been very different.

OP, he paid for your taxi - did you manage to end up somewhere with no route home but not enough money yourself for a taxi?

You really HAVE to keep yourself safe.

It sounds like CBT was working, just not for long enough.

And you know what? We HAVEN'T all been there with alcohol. I haven't. I don't say that to be holier than though. I say it to emphasise that it is a choice. I choose not to drink when I'm on a first date.

I had my cashcard and plenty of money in the bank so I don't know why I let him pay for my taxi. I'm ashamed of that. Clearly I was drunk and my judgement was poor.

I think that whole 'it's normal, everyone does it' perhaps isn't actually helping me re alcohol

I had a terrible experience once last year. Ended up walking off from my friends and was too drunk to find my way to a taxi rank. Tried to get into a car that wasn't a taxi. Eventually a man, who lived in the opposite direction, came in the taxi with me and took me home.
I need to face this. Just because I don't drink often does not mean it's not a problem.

I think you need to put the dating on hold and concentrate on YOU for a while. It's rarely a good idea to stop an antidepressant suddenly - most docs will gradually lower your dose. Get back to the CBT and see yourself as a project that's in progress, but worth the effort you are spending on yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Definitely stop drinking for a bit - you were in quite a vulnerable situation last night (I absolutely don't say that as victim blaming, in an ideal world we'd be able to go out, have a few drinks and not worry about it, but we don't live in an ideal world.) when you get back into dating, meet at lunchtime for lunch and coffee - it's such a different dynamic and you have so many more ways to leave safely (you have a gym class later, so no thanks, no wine, etc)
Alcohol is a funny old thing. When you're secure, it can be great to out for a night and have a few, but if you're depressed or vulnerable, it tends to only make things worse. Don't mix with antidepressants either.

I think the bloke you met last night was a tosser. But it's shown you that you need to take much better care of yourself, psychologically and physically. You ARE worth that effort and care.

As long as don't is safe that's what matters.

Please don't judge others by your opinions , don't I've been there sometimes a few drinks don't hurt .

Yes it could have gone wrong but like said as long as don't safe that what matters.

As for the other man , if my bf helped another girl into a taxi to make sure she was safe I'd be proud.

jesy your posts make no sense. The point is that she WASN'T safe. You can't just decide to make yourself inebriated, put yourself into a strange place/situation, and then say it's not your responsibility.

I agree with dont that telling her this is normal doesn't help. Everyone's definition of 'how much is too much' is different when it comes to stopping drinking. The fact is that when you drink, it's causing you to get into situations that you later regret, and appear to leave you racked with remorse and shame. The one thing you can know about stopping drinking is that this will end.

Thanks skipton. In a way it's good I found out he was a tosser. But yes - alcohol is not good for me. I know this. I don't know why I continue. I do have a date 2 next week for lunch (I'm driving), so that'll be fine. Our first date was for coffee and we got on well. I know I perhaps shouldn't date and I've come off all sites now, but this date was pre arranged. I think I'm going back on the ads and completely off alcohol. I suppose I thought I wasn't really depressed. That it wasn't real.

Yes and I'm not judging anyone else at all. But I can't drink. I just can't. I find it so hard, as dating and social situations are all 'let's go for a drink.' I don't know how to not drink. But I do turn into a totally different person.

Cross posted with you there, dont absolutely agree that normalising getting drunk doesn't help.
You see that yourself.

Jesy, I'm not sure you're reading the thread properly. Yeah, I'd be proud if my boyfriend helped a vulnerable woman into a taxi. Less so if I found out that in the minutes before he'd followed her out of a pub and held her hand whilst persuading her to go clubbing
The tall man isn't a hero, he was also a chancer. But not a rapist chancer.

OP was lucky, and I hope she can get help with whatever lies behind the drinking.

Hugs, OP.

Yes actually if tall guy had my best interests in mind, he wouldn't have been encouraging me to drink more. I remember crying and saying maybe my date just didn't fancy me and he made some comment along the lines that of course he fancied me, everyone would so I think he probably was a chancer.
I think I perhaps need support to avoid alcohol altogether.

dontcallnotdating,

re your earlier comment:-
"I still think I feel like I need to prove I'm good enough for a relationship"

And that is a huge problem right there along with the facts that your biological father was absent and your stepdad was abusive. Low self worth can have an impact as it can set you up to meet Losers like L is. Your past and present are all linked. They never made you feel good enough and this has impacted on you to the present day with your relationships with men.

I would suggest that you have more counselling to deal with your past properly and unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date. It all needs to be sorted now because you are really going around in circles, this is partly why I think you drink (you feel more confident and thus think that more people are going to like you, its also a crutch for some people). Alcohol though is a depressant and if drunk with medication makes that act faster too. Its a very bad combination and you should never drink alcohol whilst taking anti depressants.

You really are not in a fit emotional state to date currently because you are so emotionally vulnerable, the last thing you need is to be in a relationship. A relationship is not going to fix you. Until you sort your own self out properly you could end up being hurt over and over again.

You are good enough but you do not think that you are and that mindset needs to change. Do you love your own self, I doubt that very much sadly.

dont, I don't drink. I said I don't on first dates - but actually I almost don't at all. Just don't like the taste.

You're right, first date is often over a drink. So it's a coke for me. No big deal.

Are you able to avoid alcohol especially when you are stressed or nervous?

At the moment I'm not strong enough to go to a pub and just have a coke. Unless I drove, but I hate driving in my city centre, so I avoid it.
I don't love myself. I haven't actually even told my counsellor that my stepdad used to hit me and my mum, as we get on well now and I'd feel guilty. Once he hit me on my leg and his handprint came up in bubbles on my thigh. Once, on the way to school, he hit me with a hairbrush and each bristle pierced my skin and made it bleed. I hid it. When I was about six, I tried to come in between a fight with him and my mum and my lip was busted.
But it doesn't feel real. He's not like that now, he changed as he got older and he's a nice man.