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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 02/04/2015 20:27

tendon thats a really good idea I'm going to do that!

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 02/04/2015 20:38

Yes, and start taking phone calls in the bathroom. Seriously!

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 02/04/2015 20:43

I've got nothing to hide on my phone....apart from this conversation of course! lol

OP posts:

ChoochiWhoo · 03/04/2015 08:45

Im not being flippant but i would just try to completely freeze out. No texts ,no replys i think as youre feeling a bit weak too maybe its the best way for you.

star8369 · 03/04/2015 13:23

How are you feeling today?

cozietoesie · 03/04/2015 13:32

....but he just says stop moaning and that he cant deal with whingers....

Dear Goodness.

mum - this is just plain a lousy 'relationship' and he is a bad man. You need him out of your life.

(Although you're barely in his life as it is. It sounds to me as if you're ''something to be going on with if it's raining and late at night' or thereabouts.)

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 03/04/2015 19:08

He's awful isn't he. ..I want to hate him coz then ending it wouldn't be so painful

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 03/04/2015 19:21

I don't think it's necessary to hate him - although I already despise him from only what you've been saying about how he treats you.

Just remind yourself that it's no fault of yours. He's a bad lot and not for you.

Eggrique · 03/04/2015 19:46

Just remind yourself that it's no fault of yours
It's absolutely not, that's not even a question.

Sometimes you know people just aren't a fit and unless you thrive on upset and drama and being put down Mum then you could just do so much better for you and for your DCs.

Remember what I said about every day you stay with him you prevent any other relationships that might be wonderful?

I was taught that when you need to figure out a problem then it's quite often a good idea to turn that problem on its head and see what answers you find for yourself then.
So, at the moment you aren't enjoying your relationship and you're fearing loneliness, but at the same time you're actually lonely within the relationship you have...
So...if you weren't within that relationship, you'd have opportunities to meet other people to share your life with.

Hope you have a nice peaceful weekend, don't imagine everyone is doing lots of exciting things, just some time to chill with the DCs can be lovely

cozietoesie · 03/04/2015 19:59

....don't imagine everyone is doing lots of exciting things.....

Not so, Eggrique. I'm supposed to be double digging the back garden. That should be a barrel of laughs.

Eggrique · 03/04/2015 20:10

There you go then cozie we should all be round to yours by rights to parrrrtyyyyyy

cozietoesie · 03/04/2015 20:15

Gawd - the thought of it.

(I'm already regretting the intention. There's no way out of at least ordinary digging but the double digging might be a step too far. Tomorrow morning, mum, if you have the day off you can sit with the DCs in your PJs and think improving thoughts.)

Jux1morebeer · 03/04/2015 20:28

I'm not doing anything exciting either. DH is out for the afternoon on Sunday so I'm not even doing a good family roast for Easter . I'll be on my own too, mum.

CharlotteCollins · 03/04/2015 21:07

Hi, OP. That was a good idea about not talking to him for a few hours as a first baby step. How long did you manage to chalk up as a first attempt?

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 03:31

help me! I didnt talk to him or cook for him....hes been out with his mates tonight for a couple! he rang at 1am me half asleep answered it amd then woke up sharpish when I realised it was him....I wish I hadnt tho....
he said (very drunk).....
he doesnt know why I love him as hes a bad person ( asked y he said just coz he is )
hes got to come clean that hes been cheating but isnt anymore
and that I should make more of an effort if I want to "keep" him, my wobbly stomach is a turn off and I could put more effort into getting rid of it.... ( I'm a size 10 btw but don't have a washboard stomach as ive had kids)

I just verbally nodded and agreed to all this as 1 I was shocked
2 didnt wanna seem bothered
3 wanted to see where he was going with it
he then started chatting some crap about work/m6 etc like he does when he sleep talks and then came round again.
he didnt seem to remember what he had said previously but knew he had upset me so said sorry if I've been a prick tonight ignore everything Ive said
I told him he had just admitted cheating and had he? he said of course not and he has no idea why he said that etc
I needed to go my head was fried but before I went he told me how much he loved me, still wanted to be with me and had def not cheated....oh and ignore all previous conversation
someone help me here wtf is this all about????

OP posts:

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 03:56

I have no idea what to think or believe now
why would someone say these things if they didnt mean them?
but then why massively backtrack and say I love u n wanna be with u
I wasn't crying on phone or giving him any guilt trip I just calmly said I'm sorry he feels like that
is this his real feelings or just yet another mind fuck?
I know no one can answer that for sure though sorry just thinking out loud.....

OP posts:

yearofthegoat · 04/04/2015 04:05

mumto3 I've just read the whole thread. Your DP is bad news, and I came to that conclusion before your last post where he woke you up to tell you he had been cheating. Not that was anything you didn't suspect.

If you were my DD I would be suggesting you ditch this horrible man, get some hobbies and learn new skills. Anything to improve your self esteem and give you other things to think about.

Can you get child care so you can get out and study or get a job or get some interests?

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 04:16

yearofthegoat ... just out of interest do u think tonights v.drunken chat was actually the truth ( has cheated, finds me unnatractive, doesnt know if he wants us ) or else why say it?
OR this is another crazy headgame to see how I reacted ( very calmly ) and thats why he backtracked on all those things by the end of the conversation?
I have no one to babysit at all now since my mums gone crazy so I struggle to get out meet new people/take up a hobby etc

OP posts:

Original poster

mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 04:16

I have got a job I love I work 3 days a week though as my youngest is only 2

OP posts:

yearofthegoat · 04/04/2015 06:05

I don't know for certain of course, but look at what you've been saying about him hiding in the bathroom on his phone, not answering you when you know he's got his phone in his hands. The evidence is that if he isn't having a fling then he's looking for some excitement at the very least.

It is great you've got a job and are independent, you don't need him or his midnight takeaways. Without him taking so much time and energy you could have time to research your family history online, watch films, do an online course, reorganise the house or get some rest. There are lots of things you could be doing that would make you happier than this relationship.

yearofthegoat · 04/04/2015 06:07

Look ahead and think where you want to be and what you want to be doing in 5 years time, then try to plan how to get there.

Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 08:59

What do you mean that your mum has 'gone crazy'?

I can't believe you are still asking for analyses. I apologise for the offence this may cause, but how can you be so naive at this stage in your life?

Charley50 · 04/04/2015 09:55

Did he come round or just phone? He's showing you again and again how selfish he is. You have to get up with your kids early in the morning and he's ringing/ coming round at 1 in the morning!
Love is an action. Is he getting up early to take your kids for breakfast or swimming? No he's disrupting your calm weekend and causing you mental anguish.
I'm saying all this as I have been there. Actually I'm in a similar situation now and am trying to stop it and get over it.
I think there is a particular loneliness that some single parents have that leads us to making really bad decisions in relationships.

Charley50 · 04/04/2015 09:57

I think it's a combination of loneliness, isolation, and a desperation to create a mummy daddy style family unit, even when it is glaringly obvious to others around us that it is not a good relationship at all.

ChoochiWhoo · 04/04/2015 11:31

If he does that again op, just hang up itll feel so good.

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