God knows what I've done wrong now!

[mumto3beautys]

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

thanks mum

I'm obviously not good at the advice as I struggle to take it myself but I can sympathise with what ur going through and how hard it is to break away

its fine mum it helps having someone who understands how hard it is, I have sent you a PM

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kik_Messenger

oh thanks ill check my msgs now

Well done mum! , and to you too star. It is really hard and, mum, you have taken the first step towards your own future. Stay strong today. Keep posting - I'll be at work most of the day so can't keep an eye out for further posts from you, but there are lots of people around thinking of you and sending you good strong thoughts! No matter what happens, keep posting. No one's judging you

Not sure what the is meant to signify, but right now I'm using it to signify my thoughts are with you!

Thanks Chux

Well done mumto3 I think that sounds like a great plan. Every time he texts or calls you, and you don't drop everything and go running to him, you're taking back a bit of your power.

Not sure how old your kids are? Can you plan some stuff you could all do over this weekend like going to the park, watching a film they all like, or just doing some colouring?

BTW I am single and my son has left home, and my mum is a twat, so I'll be spending this Easter alone. I'm a bit geeky so I'm planning to spend most of the long weekend playing with some new software I bought last week

I'm reading a book about boundaries at the mo and in it a woman called Sherrie is featured at the beginning and end of the book. The beginning Sherrie is like you, no boundaries - the book says Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties taking ownership of her life - and the end Sherrie has her shit together, nice healthy boundaries. The book is Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud. It is v American and v christian but a v good book nonetheless.

You need to do some boundary work look out for some courses your way?

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme yet?

How are you doing mum and star.

Mum I've taken months to end a relationship that was long ago dead. partly in hope it would magically improve and partly cos I didn't want to have failed at yet another relationship.
but in the end these toxic relationships which were far much more hard workb

posted too soon blame the 3yo climbing on me

anyway these men gave me very little and they weren't healthy relationships and I still found it hard to end them. so you aren't alone

x

Just think what you could do with all the extra emotional energy you'd have if you weren't constantly using it up on him.

It is terrifyingly easy to end up in this sort of relationship. Lots and lots of us have. I think, without exception, we all feel so much better when we're out of them. It is like stepping out of an emotional prison-camp.

Hi Mum, perhaps you could find some of the 'success' threads here too from other women who had trouble leaving their partners but finally managed to do it. It might be inspirational.

His behaviour kind off sets off alarm bells (to me) for drug addiction. The lying, borrowing money, lengthy times locked in the bathroom, constantly letting you down. The mood swings. Only committing to plans on the actual day, never in advance.

Used to be an addict myself, and I engaged in all of these behaviours. The same behaviour one would display if engaging in an affair.

Either way, he's a selfish arse. You on the otherhand are a full time mother of 3. Dealing with your own difficult mother. Like everybody has said, he's sucking the joy out of your life. An emotional abuser. Have you looked into counselling? I too have a narc/emotionally abusive mother. Kept on choosing men of similar personality.

We gravitate to what's familar, even though it's shit. You can learn how to have more healthy relationships. I found being alone (but I stress, not lonely) whilst going through counselling helped me set my boundaries. Then I met DH, who I love with all my being. Before that I'd had 2 fucking dreadful relationships. Which I gave 15 yrs to, between the both of them. I didn't know I deserved any better. If I'd stayed in those "relationshits", I'd never have met him.

Hear me when I say that you do deserve better. Hoik up ya Big Girl Pants!

He spends time locked in the bathroom chatting to people on whatssap who I'm not sure but I know he's on there as I check
he's REALLY cagey with his phone its always in his pocket or screen facing down if he has it out and if replying to a msg he turns it away from me so I can't see
I have questioned this before but he tells me my paranoia annoys him

Tell him his rudeness and phone obsession annoy you! Why is he the only one who can criticise?

A common definition of paranoia involves excessive and/or irrational mistrust of others, or extreme and unreasonable suspicions.

If I was involved with someone who constantly turned away or hid their phone, or used it when locked in the bathroom, I'd be suspicious of their activities, but it wouldn't in any way make me paranoid, it would just mean there was something to be suspicious of.

If they thought I was paranoid then they could just show me their phone and prove that my feelings were totally unwarranted, yes? They say the best form of defence is attack

I would say the same as Tendon. Eggrique is right too. You are NOT paranoid. His behaviour is far from open. If he were trustworthy he would behave very very differently.

Get angry. He deserves it.

(I'm Jux, btw, Easter namechange.)

He loco is himself in the bathroom with his phone and then accuses you of being paranoid

'Locks'

Although 'loco' is fitting..

I tell him all the time the phone thing annoys me/upsets me and that I think he's really rude but he just says stop moaning and that he cant deal with whingers

So basically he won't change anything he does, but you are expected to make sure you always behave the way he wants. He is not a good person and this is not a good situation to be in. I know you have said you love him, but he doesn't care about you, I'm afraid.

While you're mulling all this over, have you tried mirroring back to him the stuff he says to you? So next time he complains to you, tell him to stop moaning, you can't deal with whingers. I bet he sees it totally differently when it's his issue.

I tell him all the time the phone thing annoys me/upsets me