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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
Eggrique · 04/04/2015 11:49

create a mummy daddy style family unit

^ never going to happen with this man I'm afraid.

Mum I will preface what I'm going to say with an apology that it won't make for nice reading. I will say it, not to hurt or upset you, but because it's what I honestly see from the situation and because I think you need to hear it.
If I'd seen a call from him at 1am I wouldn't have answered it.
One I would have been annoyed that he would know he'd be disturbing my sleep, but more than that I was have assumed (this is going on what you've said before) that he was significantly drunk.
I'd also have felt that his reason for ringing wasn't to tell me how much he loves me Confused

Everything you've told us here and now that he's told you directly, points to infidelity and that he hasn't been faithful to you. He's even told you that your appearance is a 'turn off' and that you need to start making more effort to keep him. Seriously, WTAF?
Does this sound like a man who loves you? who cares for you? and who wants to be with you and make you happy?

Have you done what I suggested and written down on one side of the paper all his good qualities and what he brings to your life and then on the other all the bad and negative things?

From what you tell us he sounds like a cruel person and also one who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, a relationship which he prioritizes over his relationship with you Sad

Eggrique · 04/04/2015 11:49

Dare I say as well, do you think a sexual health check might be a good idea?

pocketsaviour · 04/04/2015 11:50

Sorry OP but I think his drunken ramblings were true. Then during the course of the conversation he sobered up a bit and thought "shit, what have I said, she might actually dump me!" and took it all back.

I suspect that he's been cheating for a while and the OW has sacked him off and he's now terrified of being alone.

Please cut him off. You do not need this sack of shit in your life. Telling you all this bullshit, transparently designed to fuck with your head and keep your self-esteem on the floor. UGGGHHHHH.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 04/04/2015 11:57

I think they are true. And I also think the wobbly stomach thing is about trying to kick you back into lineas he is sensing the the is losing you. The old 'you are lucky to have me so treat me right' line.

The sooner you cut him out for good, the better. He is a parasite.

Jux · 04/04/2015 12:26

Absolutely agree with Shipwrecked. He's trying to stuff you back into your little box. Don't let him.

ptumbi · 04/04/2015 12:35

OP there is a saying 'In Vino Veritas'; it means 'when you are drunk, you reveal the truth'. If he's telling you, in his drunken, uninhibited state, that he has cheated, then HE HAS CHEATED.

Thing is, what will you do with this info? he's already denied it. He will start with the 'nice, nasty, nice, tears, aggression, minimising, nice, nasty' script cycle any day now. Expect super-nice, 'DP of the year.' Possibly flowers and chocs. He has figured that he made a cock-up over the phone. He will draw you back in (because he doesnt yet have a nice soft bed to jump into from yours) and you will think 'it's all over; he loves me (he said so so it must be true...!?) and we will be a l,ovely family like I've always wanted...' Angry

Untill the next time he is a cock. Next time he will do it again, because he can and because you will do nothing.

Sorry, OP. This is your life now. (Unless you change it)

DollyTwat · 04/04/2015 13:17

Op do you know in your mind what he'd have to do to make you finish it?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 18:07

he didnt come round no he just called pissed as a fart!
he says his mate has called him today saying he was a total dick to people in the pub and he doesnt know why he drank vodka as it turns him into a horrible person but hes learnt his lesson now!
also says all the things he said are false and he has no idea why he said them he didnt even remember calling me and I've had a few msgs saying how disgusted he is at what he was saying and hes sorry he put me through that....oh and pls forgive him!
I have no idea what to think now?
he just called to say maybe he should pop round later as he wants to give me a big hug n make me feel better but ive said no I'm too tired tonight and really I need to mull all this over for a bit.....

OP posts:
darkness · 04/04/2015 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tipsytrifle · 04/04/2015 18:35

I suppose you might mull over what sounds more consistently like the real him? The one who treats you like shit, saying whatever he likes, doing whatever he likes whenever he likes but always at your emotional expense. Or this guy who is wailing and sobbing, "please forgive me for treating you badly, I want to hug you all over and make you feel goooood" ...

I'm hoping that you'll really really wake up mumto3

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 04/04/2015 19:11

I have delurked just to write this.......

Mum my heart breaks for you because you are still entertaining this person. What exactly is there to "mull over"?? you started this thread to "mull things over" because you know he's treatmeant of you is not normal and is not right, he's consistent in his despicable behaviour towards you, you are consistent in that you accept it all. At some point, not in the too distant future, I hope you find your self respect, your self worth and kick this non entity to the curb.

What happened to tiny steps?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 19:37

thank you for withdrawing your post darkness but I had already read it! Not nice :(

OP posts:
Whocansay · 04/04/2015 20:03

You seem to accept that what he said was either the truth or a 'mind fuck'. Why in hell would you want to stay with him if these are your options?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 20:22

I don't "accept" either I was just trying to work out why someone would say those things thats all

OP posts:
Jux · 04/04/2015 20:44

He's trying out different approaches to see which one works.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 21:32

works for what? as in to get what?

OP posts:
Jux · 04/04/2015 21:40

To get you back under his thumb.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 04/04/2015 22:00

I'm not back under his thumb don't worry

OP posts:
Jackw · 04/04/2015 22:05

Well done for saying no to coming over tonight. How did he take it? How did you feel saying it and afterwards? Excellent baby step! Any chance of switching your phone off tonight?

TendonQueen · 04/04/2015 22:53

Yes, switch your phone off when you go to bed. I would bet on him ringing later and the best thing for you is to not let him have another drunken conversation. He can talk to you when you are ready.

SouthernComforts · 04/04/2015 22:55

I've read all your thread op and you are the most down trodden person I've ever read about on here Sad

He clicks his fingers and you jump.

He TOLD you he cheated on you yet you don't believe him?? He has fucked your head up so much that you can't see straight.

Sorry to be blunt but you really really need to end this, he is going to make you ill.

I would also consider having a chat with your doctor about how you are feeling (tired, stessed, lonely etc)

And please, delete what's app. Constantly checking if he's online is no way to live.

LawrenceLamb1 · 04/04/2015 23:04

Two years ago I was in a situation similar to yours. I heard so many put downs and nonsense about myself and how everything was my fault and down to me that I believed it.

It sounds like he's trying to lower your self esteem to the point where you think you're lucky to have him and that no other man would ever be interested.

You're a single parent to 3 children which takes a lot of strength and skill. I hope you can use the strength you have to continue to move on from him and concentrate on putting your happiness first Flowers

CharlotteCollins · 05/04/2015 07:44

You're doing really well with the pushing him away baby steps! The "get rid of him for good" step is unfortunately quite hard (because he will really go with the "love you, hugs, make it better", most likely then switching erratically to the "you're ugly, try to keep me" line). Have you had any thoughts about how you could do it?

Or even any nice thoughts of how life could be one you've done it?

Happy Easter, OP. Wishing you strength for the day.

Reddragon116 · 05/04/2015 09:24

Of course it was the truth and even if it wasn't who the hell would want to be with somone who would say those sort of things and who would want that sort of person round their children ? I understand you boundaries are pretty shit due to you mother - but just step back and ask yourself if this relationship is heathy in any way for you and your children ? You dont need hobbies but you do need a heavy does of counselling. And tell ss to fuck of reguarding your mother and tell this guy to fuck off as well and mean it.

Whocansay · 05/04/2015 10:15

I think you're making this really complicated for yourself because you're afraid of being alone. He's not a nice man. He doesn't treat you well. He doesn't make you happy. What else is there to say? In theory, he doesn't live with you so all you have to do is stop taking his calls.

Don't be afraid. Surely it's more scary living like this? If you got rid of this horror, you might just find a lovely man who makes you happy. Isn't that worth it?