God knows what I've done wrong now!

[mumto3beautys]

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

What are you seeing your goal here as, mum ? At the moment that is - and I do realize that you're in the thick of it right now.)

How are the kids doing?

And let him just carry on wondering

Something that once worked for me was changing the contact name - I changed it to Do Not Answer. Seeing that come up, instead of a name, gave me enough time to think and broke the bad habit of auto answering like I usually would.
Is that something that might help you?

Do you have an 'auto-reject' facility on your phone, mum? If you do, it's incredibly simple to set it up against his number, and it wouldn't involve having to say anything to him at all. Just touching a few buttons, that's all.

It won't help with texts, but it'll remove the temptation to answer the calls.

I dont want to auto reject he will think my phones off I want him to know im not answering it, he knows I'm very quick to call bk if I miss his call....even when I'm at work
I am starting to worry about what bitching ill get later if I carry on not phoning back but ill stay firm

my goal is ignoring him/ having no contact and hopefully realizing its not as difficult as I thought or I dont miss speaking to him/feel lonely without hearing off him as much as I would

If you carry on not answering his calls, and don't call him back you won't get any whining from him later. Bliss.

Ah ok, that's fair enough.

I wish you all the strength you need, mum.

...my goal is ignoring him/ having no contact and hopefully realizing its not as difficult as I thought or I dont miss speaking to him/feel lonely without hearing off him as much as I would......

That's good. As long as you're not feeling this is a strategy to 'lick him into shape' and make him appreciate you more. That would be bad for you.

Oh bitching, eh?

Well you know what to reply to that - 'Oh stop whinging/whining, it really gets me down when you can't stop moaning'

• and then put the phone down.

He's phoned again....I didn't answer

Well done. Is the door locked - if you're at home now?

Hi, just read the entire thread and you really are making progress. Do try the freedom programme, everyone says it is excellent and really helpful

Maybe you should start looking at how to fill up your evenings? Could you have friends round? Take an online course? Do positive things rather than just reacting to Cruelo de Vil.

my door is locked yes he hasnt got a key....yes I need to find something to do to occupy the evenings when kids in bed....I only have 1 good friend here really and she comes 1 night a week for dinner ( tomorrow )

Well temporarily, you've got Mumsnet. There are a lot of boards to red and participate in. Do you have enough internet minutes?

*read

Glad to hear you're having a friend over tomorrow.

Are you interested in anything like knitting or sewing or drawing? I find something that occupies my hands and my brain is best to keep me from feeling lonely.

This thread is cheering me up! Well done mum

im on the wifi so internet is unlimited :) I will have a nosey at all the other threads later when kids in bed id like to help people too not just take take the support on here
not really into knitting or sewing etc but ill keep thinking.....and ignoring! lol x

Evening mum, its a good idea to post on other threads. Maybe offer help on the baby/children threads or join in on chat or offer advice on stuff you know about.

Do you enjoy music or books or...? You need to be occupied at present, friend over three times a week instead of once?

If you tell him you want space he may panic and bombard you. Be prepared.

Futurelearn do free online courses with lots of subject choice.

Hello Mum. I've not been commenting on your thread for a couple of days because I'm unwell and it's making me too cranky so I didn't trust myself to be useful and not come across as critical rather than supportive. That's only because I'm so frustrated that you're still putting up with his crap.

I suppose what I'm mostly surprised about is the difference between how you see, perceive, interpret and experience this situation and how we as outsiders do the same

That ^ really struck a chord with me.

Lots of brilliant advice and encouragement for you on this thread and I know Rome wasn't built in a day so you never need to feel you have to apologise for finding it hard and needing to take baby steps.

The analogy of how he's treating you and how he's treating his dog is a good parallel and you know Mum one of the best qualities about my DH is his inherent kindness.
He's no pushover, no fool, but he's got the most beautiful and kindest nature whether that's to people or the smallest of beings. I think it's a measure of a man actually.
You deserve to be with someone like that

Hope you're feeling a little better tonight, eggrique.

(Sorry for the hijack, mum.)

Hi, OP. I'm loving all this ignoring you're doing! Tbh, you could bin him off for good without having to speak to him again. Just a text in a day or two saying it's over, and then return to ignoring.

It's bad form in healthy relationships, of course, but totally appropriate in your case, when he'll be looking for any sign of weakness to get his foot back in the door.

hi ladies I'm still ignoring but now getting weird self pity/my lifes a waste of time/I'm a bad person who doesnt desrveve to be alive msgs....its all really bizarre and a little creepy....
I havent replied to any btw....

Ach he's worked out you're ignoring him and is seeking a response. It's crude emotional blackmail. Don't validate it with a response.