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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
Charley50 · 08/04/2015 12:01

Don't apologize, and keep posting. It is hard to get out of this sort if 'relationship'
Says a lot about him that he's also nasty to his dog doesn't it?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 12:14

I know :( I've told my mate about the awful life this dog leads and she says I should report him to rspca....if I do he will know its me tho and go mad

OP posts:
Charley50 · 08/04/2015 12:37

It could be his neighbours that report him if he's keeping the dog locked up all day and it's noisy. Why would he automatically think it's you?
Are you doing anything nice today? Can you arrange for a friend to come round one evening over the weekend, or you and the kids visit a friend, so that you know you won't feel lonely, which will give you the strength to ignore / end things with him?

Charley50 · 08/04/2015 12:41

OP, you are really compromising your values by being with this wanker, who won't treat you, your kids, or his dog right. You are worth so much more than him.

cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 12:43

I should imagine he'd blame mum even if his takeaway was not to his taste for some reason. It's a bad relationship.

ptumbi · 08/04/2015 12:44

It is a huge red flag in relationships, OP. How he treats animals, waiting staff, cleaners... Is how he will treat you, and anyone else he thinks is beneath him.

Text him and say yuou are going out for the day; if he wants reminding to ring the docs, there is a feature called 'alarms' on his phone.

tipsytrifle · 08/04/2015 12:44

So this role as his personal asst - is it new? If it is I would regard this as a new tactic which he might see as a kindly gesture towards involving you more in his daily life. It's controlling though not the worst of behaviours yet. Interesting move on his part. What will you say when he asks why you didn't keep track of his day for him?

Might it be better to announce a couple of days "off" from each other? If that is indeed the plan. If it isn't that's up to you but it might be clearer if you decline actively rather than passively to wake him for appts or even to make those appts for him.

Just thinking aloud here and hoping you get chance to enjoy some of this gorgeous sunshine!

Charley50 · 08/04/2015 12:49

True Cozie, and I agree with Tipsy. Rather than just ignoring his texts let him know that you don't want to see or speak to him, whether it's for a few days, a week (or ever). Otherwise he just presumes that he just needs to be 'nice' to you and you'll be back on board.

tipsytrifle · 08/04/2015 12:50

oops I missed a few posts. Now that I've read about the dog I loathe and detest him. I couldn't be with anyone who treated animals badly. There's your red flag for cruelty and rejection of anyone's standards but his own. So he does have potential for abuse to transfer from dog to human.

he has a dog btw and treats it really badly (in my opinion) he thinks he treats it well of course but is actually awful to it

This chilled me a bit because it's actually a perfect description of your relationship with him too. He has already transferred then.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/04/2015 13:06

There is no shame in wanting to see the good in people and wanting to be loved Flowers

And that's exactly how I felt, tipsy, when I read about the dog. You described your relationship with him perfectly Sad

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 13:06

The dog bless it doesn't even bark so the neighbours wouldn't know it sits locked in a room all day only for him to come home and shout at it that its gone to the toilet on his floor

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 13:20

And how many parallels can you draw with yourself, there?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 13:30

loads!
I'm that dog so loyal and loving to him only to be kicked over n over n sat lonely till he's bored and got nothing better to do

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 13:49

Are you working tomorrow?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 13:52

Yeah I am...I love my job though :) its the evenings when kids in bed I really struggle with ignoring him wise.... I'm so glad I can come on here and chat Smile

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 13:54

That's good. Being in a professional situation where you're treated as an individual will (at the very least) give you some more perspective after the last week.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 14:03

It helps being at work and being treated like I'm actually a worthwhile part of our little team.... I'm starting to see just how cruel he is
I know it was obvious ages ago what I mean is its sinking in and I'm disliking him more and more

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 14:10

Good!! Because that means you're on the way to believing you deserve better. And once you've fully realised that you can kick this loser to the kerb! :)

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 14:16

He just called and I ignored it Smile even though I can answer my phone at my desk and he knows that
he's prob just realised it's after 2pm and I didn't call to remind him to phone the docs!

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 08/04/2015 14:32

Good on you! You're not his personal alarm clock. He is a grown up right?

And I'm glad you understood my analogy of the dog mum

How does it feel to ignore him?

GirlDownUnder · 08/04/2015 14:36

Oh and please do make that call to the RSPCA.

Hey maybe we can help get you out, and you can help get the dog out. Aww poor him, left with nothing to kick.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 14:39

id like that thank you Smile once ive binned him off I will def report him for the dog I just havent wanted to do it when we r together as he will go mad at me....hopefulky I wont care soon x

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 08/04/2015 14:46

Soon can't come fast enough then Smile

I bet it felt good to ignore him. And I bet it feels so good to know that you're taking a little bit of his control away.

Try and remember how that feels. Try and hold on to that feeling when he starts sucking up again. That good feeling is all yours. It's not something that anyone else gave you, and that means no one can take it away.

You will get there mum how can you not with your growing strength and this lot supporting you Flowers

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 15:10

thank you Smile the kind words and being able to talk things through on here means so much
it felt really good not answering....I sat and watched the phone buzz on my desk his name flashing up knowing that must be what he does when I can see hes on whatssap so must have phone in his hand but is ignoring my call
he knows I'm finishing early at 3 today so he will be expecting me to call back by about 3:05 apologising for missing his call
I'm not calling back at all
lets see if he phones again later wondering why I'm ignoring him

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 15:14

to reply to an earlier post the waking him up thing isnt a new request
I'm useful for lots of things in his world, an alarm clock, cooking him meals, pampering him accepting ill get nothing back, an emotional punchbag anytime anyone pisses him off and just generally an easy target for constant put downs to make him seem far more powerful than he actually is

OP posts:
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