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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 07/04/2015 22:34

He was just his usual piss-takey self he thinks hes much funnier than anyone else does though
he said again that all stuff said fri night was complete bollocks but when asked why on earth he would say that it was just the vodka excuse again
It ended ok cuddled up etc but today hes been back and forward again with how much he loves me to relationships are more work than they are worth its so head fucking Sad
I said shall we just break up as u obv dont wanna be with me and he was all dont be daft of course I do u know how much I love u! why doesn't he just take the easy way out if thats what he wants

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 22:38

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but as I said before, you're 'convenient'. Do you really feel valued and loved by him? How much of what he says is about him rather than you?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 07/04/2015 22:40

all he talks about is himself, his stresses, how ill he feels even how wonderful he is! if I have stresses or am ill he tells me to stop banging on or whinging

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 22:50

There you go. I'm afraid that it doesn't sound as if you as a person really register with him at all does it?

43percentburnt · 07/04/2015 22:51

Hi just read the full thread. He's a bad un op. You sound lovely. You deserve to be treated well, he isnt the man for you. I think you know it deep down. You want the relationship to be good, but he's not a good person and nothing will change that. His nasty drunken comments (and nasty sober comments) show he is rotten to the core.

You have had bad people in your life, mum, ex, this wrong un but still want to see good in people. Your kindness won't overcome his rotten core.

Can someone throw in the coffee analogy please?

Have you read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that?

Next baby step, do not contact/reply to any message until you have read the book.

People mentioned hobbies earlier. What do you enjoy doing? You need some RL people to help you through this miserable time.

43percentburnt · 07/04/2015 22:57

He sees you as a convenience, your feelings and thoughts are meaningless. You talking about problems is annoying to him as it means he has to think about you, which he isn't prepared to do. He sees you to fulfil his needs, be that boredom, sex or company. If he has to devote time to you then his needs aren't being fulfilled. This is nothing to do with you, you are lovely he is rotten inside.

Whining, moaning - phrases used to shut women up. Derogatory ones. He seems to whine and moan a hell of a lot. I doubt anyone or anything would please him.

Tell us his good points. Apart from 'delivers takeaways late' and 'picks up cigarettes eventually'.

43percentburnt · 07/04/2015 22:59

Google narcissist. Any similarities?

saturnvista · 07/04/2015 23:10

Hi OP, just read the full thread and wanted to quickly say - leave him, he's horrible! Short of a transformation (unlikely) this isn't going to get better, which means you aren't going to feel any happier while you're still with this bloke. Reading through your posts, I was quite surprised that you say things ended ok with cuddling up and then more head wrecking behaviour afterwards - it had sounded like you weren't going to put yourself in a position of vulnerability with him again. Of course it's your right to do what you choose, it's just a bit frustrating when you seemed like you were getting free!

Hope you find peace and self-belief - you're worthy of that Flowers

Jux · 07/04/2015 23:57

He doesn't want to lneave you, break up with you, mum. That is not because he loves you - he doesn't. It's because he has you where he wants you, kow-towing to him, running around after him, and so on. It makes him feel like he's a big strong man instead of the unsufferable little squirt he actually is.

The more upset you are, the bigger he feels.

saturnvista · 08/04/2015 01:06

I don't know that it's necessarily that Jux. He may like having someone around for stability and sexual gratification but not be decent/compassionate enough to treat her right. Laziness and thoughtless callousness rather sadism.

saturnvista · 08/04/2015 01:07

I don't know that it's necessarily that Jux. He may like having someone around for stability and sexual gratification but not be decent/compassionate enough to treat her right. Laziness and thoughtless callousness rather sadism.

GirlDownUnder · 08/04/2015 01:52

mum I'm sorry to say this but you asking why he keeps you around, for me it's the same reason why some people keep dogs that they like to kick and mistreat. Because they can. Because it's convient. Because no matter how vile they are to that animal, it still wags it's tail when The Master comes home and will still beg for a brief pat on the head. And dogs don't leave either.

Obviously I'm not saying you're a dog mum but that is how I see this behaviour.

Please turn wolf on this man, to protect you and to protect your children.

tipsytrifle · 08/04/2015 08:43

What GirlDownUnder said is true, at least from this outside perspective:

Because no matter how vile they are to that animal, it still wags it's tail when The Master comes home and will still beg for a brief pat on the head

That's exactly the kind of behaviour being shown here on both sides. It's a hierarchy. It's very passive to keep putting it on him to break up if he wants, stay if he wants, love you if he wants ... and the rest. Or not. It really is all about him, him, him. You are totally feeding this emotional structure.

Clearly this is ok with you, at least for now, mumto3. It's certainly ok with him. What's not to be ok about this kingly situation? Seriously considering taking even a day or two out of this relationship just doesn't seem to be on the current map at all. Perhaps because it's his map and that's ok.

tipsytrifle · 08/04/2015 09:00

I suppose what I'm mostly surprised about is the difference between how you see, perceive, interpret and experience this situation and how we as outsiders do the same.

Your reporting of the situation is from a stance of supporting it, therefore the picture is innately gentle on him, and still we're scratching our heads at what attraction or fulfilment you see in or gain from this relationship. Except perhaps it replicates what you know best, which is constant put-downs, neglect and being taken for granted (at best.)

If you're going to continue in this set-up have you any ideas/plans for how it could be improved emotionally?

pictish · 08/04/2015 09:34

This guy is so blatant it's frustrating to read. I understand that it's far more confusing to be in it though OP...he has really got into your head.

He keeps you around because you are a willing audience. He loves himself so there is nothing more gratifying to someone like him than a relationship in which he is the star.
He can show up when he likes...or not, just depending. He can talk about himself to his heart's content. He can exercise his underlying and inherent nastiness, putting you down and taking his frustrations out on you. He can toy with you when he's bored. He can push you to the point of heartbreak and distress and then suck you back up again with a few flattering words and false apologies. He'll treat you like shite then get cuddles, sex and forgiveness as a reward.

You're so desperate for love that you'll take anything he tosses your way, be it crumbs of affection or his abuse. He knows what you want but he will never have to give it to you because you'll hang on in there anyway.

He doesn't love you...he will never love you. He shows contempt for you while using you. He keeps you around not through affection but as a source of convenient and compliant narcissistic supply.
When you click on and ditch him for good it won't be long before he finds another vulnerable, lonely woman to exploit.

tipsytrifle · 08/04/2015 09:42

wow - that's a blinder of a post pictish

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/04/2015 09:43

He's lazy and you don't demand anything of him. As others have said, you are convenient and he can easily manipulate you to do exactly what he wants. He doesn't care about how you feel and he doesn't have to try in any way.

That's why he stays with you. He gets everything he wants at little cost to himself. He knows he's onto a good thing because many other women would not put up with it and would have dumped him ages ago.

I really wish you could see how much more you deserve

ptumbi · 08/04/2015 10:02

Damn right Pictish.
OP - I know you are sitting there, thinking 'well he's not that bad; he cuddles me sometimes, he's got feelings, he takes the rubbish out sometimes, I can't hurt him !'

Do it. It'll be the best thing you can do, for you.

pictish · 08/04/2015 10:28

He's a bad apple OP - save yourself for a peach. x

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 11:15

I need a couple of days out of this relationship you're all right I know it and I'm sorry I've been so weak
I've hit a wall with it all today ( that's a good thing prob ) and can't bear to speak to him
Thank you for all your support and sorry I've been so slow to act
I will keep posting while blanking him if that's ok....

OP posts:
pictish · 08/04/2015 11:41

Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. There is no shame in wanting to be loved...but you need to understand that he will never be the one to provide it.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 11:44

You go for it mumto3, we will be here to cheer you on.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 11:46

Thank you :)
I'm doing ok so far....he wanted me to call n wake him up so he could phone the doctors at 8am, I didnt so hes sent a msg saying he guesses I got up late too as he hasnt heard off me and can I call just before 2pm to remind him to call them then as its important.....I wont tho!
pls help me stay strong ignoring him I struggle so much with this bit but maybe after a day or 2 of acheving it ill feel stronger x

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 11:50

Goodness, don't apologize - it can be very difficult in real life to pull yourself out of a bad situation. (Like being stuck in a bog - your head says 'Get out' but your feet and legs are stuck in the mire. And Yes - I have once been stuck in a bog. Grin)

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 08/04/2015 11:57

just to reply to the analogy of the dog....
this doesnt offend me at all as thats how I feel
he has a dog btw and treats it really badly ( in my opinion ) he thinks he treats it well of course but is actually awful to it :( ive told him this many times n he gets angry at me for saying it

OP posts:
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