Just to say from the outset.... I'm a guy, have occassionally looked at mumsnet threads over the years, but your predicament got to me, so I thought I'd join, for one post only, then be off.... In the main this is really something where you need to support of your fellow sex, but hope this one-off might help..... If not, please ignore it.
Firstly, as someone who genuinely doesn't use this language regularly (if at all), if even a fraction of the things you are saying are right (and I've no reason to doubt any of it) your 'partner' is quite simply an absolute c* and his behaviour is vile and disgusting... I started off thinking: "FFS, just leave him! What's the matter with you...."..... Then I started to understand, with your history and baggage, and all to easy for someone not in your position to lecture from the sidelines.
From what I see from this thread:
- You're clearly articulate and communicate well - you definitely seem to have above average intelligence
- For someone who's put up with so much emotional abuse, you still appear to be warm-hearted and sensitive..... That's pretty awesome - it I were you, I'd be a bitter, nasty bitch-from-hell!
- You're a size 10 in late 30's (OK with 'wobbly bits' as you say, but then so have 95%+ of women) - that's pretty much in the sweet spot for attractiveness for size and age for men.
So there you have it... You've got a full house of the three attributes: physical attractiveness, emotional attractiveness and intelligence.... Now you just need to believe it! OK, you've got three kids, but how many women will have forged successfully healthy relationships with kids in tow -millions, literally. And I've got no self-interest in telling you lies here... I'm not trying some kind of flattery talk to get you into bed - I'm happily married and once this is posted, I'm off, never to be seen again.
So, how to improve that self-esteem... Again, a differest perspective perhaps from my different vantage point. I'd flirt.... flirt subtly, not trying to pull, or expecting anything to come of it.... just the odd smile at guy you meet, or a fleeting bit of eye contact. Believe me, that it takes very little of this for a man to fancy someone if she is, as you are, size 10 in their 30s....all you need to do is look presentable (by that I don't mean dress up especially, just be some clean clothes and a brush through your hair!) You don't have to fancy them particularly.... you're not doing this to pull, just so you know that by your very simple tiny micro-flirt, a man is interested... and you have fun doing that... the more you do it, the more you'll notice guys flirt ever-so-slightly back, and the more you realise you are genuinely attractive, the more you confidence you'll get, the more your self-esteem will grow, the more you'll realise that you really do deserve more.... and you'll be more able to get rid of this guy for good... any when you do find someone who is attracted to you on the surface, you'll know that you have the personality (i.e. 1 & 2 above) to seal the deal with a decent guy!
Btw, as I don't think what you have is really what you could term a relationship.... more an emotionally abusive arrangement, don't feel guilty about flirting with other guys (ffs he slept with someone else!).... rather feel guilty if you don't as that's a way out for you, and more importantly your kids.
OK, that's me done.... Hope it helps. Good luck. Over and out.