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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 19:58

You talk a lot about needing to understand things, mom.

Be very clear about your motivation here if you can. 'Understanding' someone has implications of wanting to do that in order to 'fix' them. I wouldn't recommend trying to 'fix' him.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 19:59

I love him ( I dont know why ) but atm I dont like him ....does that make sense?
he admitted earlier he thinks hes been cruel and he was actually in a mood today with himself rather than me apparently as hes so ashamed
I doubt it....

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 20:04

Could it be that you're expecting the nastiness because of the past and conditioned/ready to accept that in order to get the odd bit of niceness that he throws your way?

Justusemyname · 05/04/2015 20:22

All the time you are tolerating this shit you are not free to meet a decent man who will love you and treat you nicely.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 20:42

I think ur probably right about just accepting it as normal
he just called and said am I cooking him dinner tomorrow, I said no but I do want to talk to him face to face
he says it depends on my mood, I said I thought he really wanted to make it up and he replied yeah babe ill come over and be nice and make it up to u really sarcastically
I give up Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 20:44

I dont think I want to fix him or even that he deseves that kind of support from anyone
I think its genuinely because the people who are meant to love me always treat me so badly ive never got any answers from my mum so I feel I need to know
I know that sounds stupid but its true

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 20:51

He's just treated you like shit again. You know that, right?

What you feel really isn't Love. Love doesn't involve all this negativity and darkness. It doesn't involve a good woman being trodden down time and time again. This man is an abuser and you are dependent on him because no-one has ever treated you other than shit. This is all you know.

You cannot reasonably expect an abuser to say "i'm guilty."
You can't fix him either but the good news is that you CAN fix YOU!

I hope that in your own time you'll say No. Full stop. End.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 20:55

I hope soon I feel that strong thank you :) x

OP posts:
Squeegle · 05/04/2015 20:58

I think tipsy has it right. He's not going to suddenly say "you're right I'm a complete tosser," and then start changing. That is only for (bad) romantic novels, not real life. Real life is about being realistic about the future and making the right choices. Even if they feel hard at the time. Not choosing tossers is a good start.
I know that sounds harsh, but I hope it's fair. We often hope they'll change, but in fact they rarely do!

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 21:08

You're right ive made a bad choice and dont seem to be able to spot the warning signs early enough :(
I'm not sure what to do about us now or how to do it, I know people will say just block his number end of etc but I'm not that strong....yet

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 21:09

Yes - he's just treated you like rubbish all over again.

You've referred to past difficulties. Can I ask - is it possible that you think you 'love' him just because he started off by being nice to you? (That's a straight question by the way.)

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 21:11

just as an odd question but does anyone know how to do an image search on google? ie drag drop a photo and see if google can find it on web....but I'm doing it on a phone

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 21:14

yes cozie I guess that is very possible not conciously though
he wasnt just nice at the start just before xmas for a few weeks he was brilliant and I really thought things had turned a corner with us

OP posts:
Squeegle · 05/04/2015 21:18

mum, there is a good website called "baggage reclaim". It's all about why some of us are attracted to mr unavailable- it's an illuminating read . It literally changed my outlook overnight. I realised that there was a lot of stuff in my background which attracted me to unavailable men who would always make me unhappy. Worth a read?

tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 21:23

Dear Mumto3 ... look at your DC and decide if they might be happier without this man in their lives?

It matters only that you see the warning signs now. You know he will escalate because that whole 1am drama was upping the ante.

You'll be strong ie: angry or plain bloody rebellious enough to have your face to face with him (not at home?) which will calmly and repeatedly end the relationship. I'd just like it to be sooner rather than later, but it won't be effective til you're ready.
I'd do it by text anyway ha!

Being strong is an abstract really. Strong for who and what and why? I would answer for you, for your DC and for Life. Just "being strong" is vague and meaningless. It doesn't just arrive like a revelation. The purpose of you and your life requires exercising strength as a tool to get you through and out of situations. Does that make sense?

Perhaps you're still kind of drifting in the wake of what others do/have done to you. It's all been bad, I promise. When you can, please make your life good.

CharlotteCollins · 05/04/2015 21:24

The problem with waiting till you feel strong enough to get rid of him is that as time goes by you will get more and more ground down by trying to understand him and being treated like shit.

So the feeling of being strong enough may never come.

CharlotteCollins · 05/04/2015 21:27

X-posted with tipsy. I like what she says about being strong.

Maybe being strong is feeling weak and doing it anyway?

tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 21:28

Baggage Reclaim

Viviennemary · 05/04/2015 21:33

He does sound stressed out. But on the other hand why should you put up with this surly behaviour. If he doesn't want to be with you he should sling his hook and give you a chance to meet somebody nice. Why should you be creeping around this pain.

tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 21:38

Viviennemary - with respect I think there is a lot more than a stressed up man going on here. What's this "on the other hand business"?

Agreed that putting up with abuse is definitely holding the OP back in Life.

Squeegle · 05/04/2015 21:51

Thanks tipsy for the link
Must learn how to do those Easter Smile

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 21:55

(Below the posting box, Squeegle. Have a bash. Smile)

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 22:01

It doesn't need to be a conscious reaction, mum. When you're conditioned to being treated badly, someone coming along and actually being nice to you can feel like the sun, stars and moon all rolled into one - and that's easily mistaken for love so that before you know it, you're stuck in a bad relationship and being played.

It's not anything wrong with you - just that your past means that your perspective can be a bit skew-whiff.

tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 22:01

*heh ... been too long since I looked on that site too. Found this and winced a bit at my own past:

how much of a blame absorber are you?

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 22:05

Interesting link.