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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 05/04/2015 10:30

Frankly I think your mother needs a good (virtual) kicking for having led you to believe that this is the best you can expect in terms of a caring relationship.

magoria · 05/04/2015 10:34

You deserve better.

You could have washboard abs. He would find something else to dig at you about.

He is happy to be nasty and make you unhappy.

Also please go to the STI clinic.

ptumbi · 05/04/2015 10:41

He's TOLD you he's cheated. He's now on 'damage-limitation' - wanting to come round and make you feel better. Possibly flowers and chox, as I said upthread.

What a loser. (him I mean)

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 10:46

also says all the things he said are false and he has no idea why he said them he didnt even remember calling me and I've had a few msgs saying how disgusted he is at what he was saying and hes sorry he put me through that

If he didn't remember calling you then how did he know that what he said was disgusting?

Darling girl, read back through this thread. Every single contact you've had with this man since the start has been negative. Every thing he's said and done has been designed to make you anxious, sad, depressed, unsure, and down on yourself. Even when you were at your dad's you couldn't enjoy yourself because you knew he was just putting a nice face on and you'd cop abuse later (which you did).

I really hope you decide to cut this loser off. You deserve so, so much better than this Flowers

Squeegle · 05/04/2015 11:08

Please please don't waste your time worrying about "why" he's like this.
He's not good to you.
That is enough.
Please do not have him in your life any more.

Think about YOU - that is what you need to do .
Flowers

pictish · 05/04/2015 11:11

Oh God. How many times have you made hurtful shit up at random and told it to someone, drunk or sober?
Do you know anyone (other than him) who does this?
No. It's not a 'thing' that happens to people.
He meant what he said and he can remember it perfectly well. Wake up.

I wonder if he's seeing how badly he can treat you and still get away with it by turning on the deep and meaningful. What a shyster.
I think your spirit has been well and truly broken. If all of this is not enough to make you see the light, then I fear for you. He will put you through hell.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 14:10

ur right my mum did do alot of damage and I shouldn't put up with this crap
I think coz ive never understood why she treats me so evil if someone else does instead of just binning them I have this prob unhealthy need to know why and understand the problem before finishing it else ill always think it was me....does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 14:16

just to reply to all the other posts ... I really appreciate people talking to me coz I literally have no one to talk this through with
he wasnt happy that I said no to coming over last night based on the fact he needed to give me a hug and say sorry, or needed to check I wasnt about to dump him!
we have plans to see each other tomorrow night but ive just said on the phone I'm not sure.
what he said was either true or just intentionally to hurt me....neither is good :(
he says none of it was true hes disgusted at himself and feels he was really cruel, has been beating himself up about it all night etc etc and it wasnt him it was all coz of the vodka which he knows has made him behave awfully in the past
he just wants to hold me apparently I'm not sure I could bear that atm and pretend everythings ok
ive just sent a msg saying I'll let him know about tomorrow as I cant think straight atm and need more time to process all the vile things he said x

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 14:24

How would you feel about saying to him that you need a week of space to think and process everything about this relationship?

Could you go a week? See how it feels by the end of it?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 14:34

I could try yeah....
half of me desperately wants to see him tomorrow to see if he tries to make me feel better about any of the awful stuff he said
the other half of me feels too head fucked to be near him ( and pretend I'm ok ) he will expect me to be over this soon as hes said sorry but I dont think I will be....

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 14:37

I'm going to book an appt at the sexual health clinic next week.....and I'm going to tell him this hes shaken everything I hoped was true and I have no idea what the truth is anymore so better to be safe than sorry

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 14:54

It's a natural urge to seek happiness, comfort, reassurance. Everyone needs them. The problems arise when we seek them from unreliable or even downright wicked sources. Sometimes just trying to reassure and find comfort in the presence of yourself is a path worth treading for awhile, whether it be a day, a week or more.

Ultimately, it's about recognising that everything we do should be a choice not a compulsion.

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 15:13

I think coz ive never understood why she treats me so evil if someone else does instead of just binning them I have this prob unhealthy need to know why and understand the problem before finishing it else ill always think it was me....does that make sense?

Yes, it makes a lot of sense, you're gaining good insight here. The problem is though, that abusive people are never going to say "Yes it was my fault, it's not you mumto3." They're always going to carry on telling you it was all you.

Please do think about having a break for a week and ask him not to contact you during that week - you shouldn't be having to worry about him texting or calling either. You need space to get your head right and see clearly.

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 15:18

mum

Either it was all/mainly true - and he was a nasty piece of work for saying it to you

or

It was all/mainly false - and he was a nasty piece of work for saying it to you.

Whichever, he's a nasty piece of work. Very nasty and you deserve so much better. Heck - not having anyone around would be so much better than having him in your life.

(At the moment, he's assuming that you'll nip back into line fairly quickly now that he's done (what he thinks is) sufficient soft-soaping. After all, you're very convenient for him to have around. Generally uncomplaining and little problem, a decent emotional punchbag and cheap with it.)

Well done for checking yourself out at an STI clinic, They don't usually need appointments by the way (you just turn up) although you might run the risk of them being busy on any given day. I'd take something to read with you. Smile

pictish · 05/04/2015 16:55

Just so you know...there's no scientific evidence whatsoever to support the notion some people have that certain types of alcohol affect their behaviour in different ways.
How people behave while drunk is solely down to the amount of units consumed. It doesn't matter if it's 20 units of beer you will be as much of an arse as if it were 20 units of whiskey.

So when someone says "it was the vodka - vodka always makes me crazy" they're talking shit.

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 17:30

.....And if they know that drinking alcohol affects them, then they don't drink so much of it - if any at all.

It's him, mum, and not you - although your past may have made you an easier target for him.

thenightsky · 05/04/2015 18:20

What Pictish says about alcohol is true. A unit is a unit, no matter whether it comes as beer or vodka. I guess you'd just get pissed a bit quicker on vodka due to it having more units of alcohol per glass.

So no, he cannot blame what he said on 'vodka'.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 19:30

so what do we think the point was of telling me all that crap? just interested as if it was to dump me he didn't and has been asking me to forgive him
and if it wasn't true he still ran the risk of me freaking out and never speaking to him again
I just don't see what he had to gain from telling me truth or lies?

OP posts:
Squeegle · 05/04/2015 19:36

I just think you're on a hiding to nothing if you try and apply logic. What does it really matter to you why? He is obviously not good to you.

I do sympathise, I often used to try and understand my XP who was abusive. Why would he do this I asked? But in the end it didn't really matter.... The fact he did them was enough.

We've been split up more than two years now. I still don't understand him! Fortunately I don't bother to try any more. It's liberated me!

tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 19:38

Perhaps it was a confessional moment brought on by booze. More likely a twisted boast that was meant to remind you that he can pull anytime he wants, you are a tiny creature in his world and should think yourself lucky that he woke you up at 1am to tell you what a nothing you are.

It also created a drama whereby he could hurt you then reel you in again. He knows from previous experience and general experimentation that you dumping him is unlikely. Controllers get a sadistic buzz out of torturing their pets then cuddling them while they shiver in pain and fear.

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 19:40

mum

Mean then nice....... mean then nice......and so on. It keeps people guessing/anxious and is often something an abusive partner will do even if unconsciously.

Have you ever watched a fisherman landing a fish? They reel 'em in and let 'em out, reel 'em in and let 'em out .........until the fish is exhausted and gives in. Have you ever sat waiting for him and wondering anxiously what 'mood' he'll be in when he arrives?

It usually starts off with small tantrums - which the partner tries to assuage through natural civility or sometimes - maybe in your case for example - because they may be all too ready to believe they've done something 'wrong'. Gradually it ramps up.

Can I ask you - do you actually like him?

cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 19:44

PS - but Squeegle makes a fair point. What does it matter why ? He's mean and a downer. He adds nothing to your life from the sound of it.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 05/04/2015 19:44

but why not just dump me! if he hates me as much as he seems to

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/04/2015 19:51

Why do people do anything nasty?

Perhaps because they can get away with it (if they do) and it makes them feel powerful for a time? You're a bit of a convenience to him, I'm afraid to say. You're always there waiting for him and for minimum output by him, you'll accept what he dishes out and pander to his ego.

It's not a good situation for you.

tipsytrifle · 05/04/2015 19:53

Controlling someone is not about hating them at all! Being a controller is a very needy psychology but really, why dig deeper and deeper into the dark side?

I agree with what Squeegle* said. You're devoting all your mental and emotional energy to him at the cost of your own life with your DC. That's a hell of a sacrifice.