My family don't seem to like me - how to make it better

[AshrosIe]

Nc for this but regular on here. I'm so miserable with it all. I have a very small family and no decent relationship with any of them. We get on superficially most of the time but there's a horrible simmering undercurrent that makes me really anxious.

I find them critical, negative and quick to point out my faults past and present. They talk about me behind my back and pick apart my life and decisions, to the point that I barely share information with any of them. They say they see the real me but I put on an act for everyone else. They claim they don't understand me at all. I think I'm pretty straightforward- I go to work, look after the dcs and fit dp, hobbies, housework and friends around it all.

I'm starting to realise how long this has been an issue and how much I've tried to please them over the years but I'm in trouble again at the moment and I just haven't got the energy for it. I don't want to play any more.

I absolutely hate negativity and bad atmospheres. I don't put up with people who create drama in any other circumstances. My friends describe me as level headed, kind and funny, as does Dp and my colleagues. My family think I'm selfish, secretive, greedy and cold.

If I dare challenge them, the conversations go nowhere as they won't explain what they mean, I can't help getting upset and they all back each other up on how awful I am. Once I cried and was told I was emotionally blackmailing them with my reaction to their feedback. I want a good relationship with my family but I just don't know how to make the dynamic better or why they'd say this stuff if it's not the case. I even sometimes worry I have some kind of personality disorder but don't know it!

OP i've pm'ed you.

Thanks op for this thread, and to all for sharing. It's come at a good time for me, I'm in the middle of another big family drama and doubting myself again, and could have written the op word for word. I needed a reminder of why I am trying to distance myself.

Iknitsoidontkill don't doubt yourself I know it's hard and believe me I often have moments of self doubt too, but I remember something bad that they did to me for example when I had to move home with my young daughter when my relationship broke down and my loving mother informed me that I had to pay her €150 a week for rent while my brother lived there rent free, I quickly found myself and my daughter a new house!!!

Hi OP, it's not you, it's them. Do look at family scapegoating, I found it very illuminating as it describes my family role completely. I've gone NC - well, I moved house and none of the fuckers have asked for my new address - and I relate to your feelings of anger and grief.

Was there a triggering incident? I got divorced and then entered an abusive relationship (didn't realise it at the time, obvs!) which broke me. For the first time I was more vulnerable than my sister and the family script doesn't allow this, so they ignore me instead.

As others have said, you can't fix this. All you can do is protect yourself. If your friends think you're great, believe them. Family isn't only the people you share DNA with.

I found this website a great help: www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

Hi everyone, thanks for all your posts. I've read a fair amount including the toxic parents book which has definitely helped and have talked a lot to friends who have been fab.

Things have settled with my family for the moment but it's always a bubbling undercurrent and makes me sad. I think that my mum is the key cause. It's whatever sets her off next - could be her ringing but me being out, any mention of dp or xp's family or anything really.

It has definitely left me with some mild anxiety issues although I think I hide them well. I just catch myself being neurotic now and again I found counselling really useful in the past and want to find a decent one who understands family dynamics so I can deal with it. I never ever want to pass any of this to my dcs

It's whatever sets her off next - could be her ringing but me being out

This one small phrase on its own tells me that she is looking for reasons to be angry with you.

it is entirely unreasonable to blame you for being out. If someone does, there's an ulterior motive.

But unfortunately everything else you have written makes it absolutely clear that you are indeed the scapegoat. You will not win with them because they have a wish and a vested interest in Putting You In The Wrong. I'm sorry; it's a very very hard position to be in