My family don't seem to like me - how to make it better

[AshrosIe]

Nc for this but regular on here. I'm so miserable with it all. I have a very small family and no decent relationship with any of them. We get on superficially most of the time but there's a horrible simmering undercurrent that makes me really anxious.

I find them critical, negative and quick to point out my faults past and present. They talk about me behind my back and pick apart my life and decisions, to the point that I barely share information with any of them. They say they see the real me but I put on an act for everyone else. They claim they don't understand me at all. I think I'm pretty straightforward- I go to work, look after the dcs and fit dp, hobbies, housework and friends around it all.

I'm starting to realise how long this has been an issue and how much I've tried to please them over the years but I'm in trouble again at the moment and I just haven't got the energy for it. I don't want to play any more.

I absolutely hate negativity and bad atmospheres. I don't put up with people who create drama in any other circumstances. My friends describe me as level headed, kind and funny, as does Dp and my colleagues. My family think I'm selfish, secretive, greedy and cold.

If I dare challenge them, the conversations go nowhere as they won't explain what they mean, I can't help getting upset and they all back each other up on how awful I am. Once I cried and was told I was emotionally blackmailing them with my reaction to their feedback. I want a good relationship with my family but I just don't know how to make the dynamic better or why they'd say this stuff if it's not the case. I even sometimes worry I have some kind of personality disorder but don't know it!

Ashrosie, it was a bit of a turning point for me, too, recently when my parents kicked me when I was down.

Nothing like as devastating as a marriage breakdown, but I've been going through a fair bit of stress lately.

I kind of reached out to them a little bit for support and the reaction was to turn it into yet another incident of me bashing. I'm at Uni at the moment and stupidly asked my Dad (who was traditionally the least critical of the two) for advice on a piece of work. He turned it into an opportunity to red-pen everything I'd done and to completely tear me apart.

I don't know why I gave him the opportunity, I think it was actually a test on my part. To see if he could actually be a parent to me or just someone who tears me to pieces because he knows better. He chose to tear me to pieces, I don't think he even realised he did it.

I've always known that's what my mother would do/does do but it was a real turning point once I realised that he was the same.

So, sorry to turn this into being about me, it's not, it's about you. But to answer your question - that was my turning point. Nothing major, no really incident just an absolute clarity that if I'm having a bad time, they will make it worse.

Honestly, who needs that in their life? Nobody does. Like you say, what you have from your friends should be what you have from your family.

How are you feeling today?

Cailindana I'm glad things have worked out. It sounds like it was a struggle for your family to empathise in any way and they soon showed their true colours. Your nurse sounds a wise lady. I've also found that physical distance helps although I'm not as extreme as being in a different country. I think distance contains the contact. There's no ad hoc visits to contend with if you live a plane ride away.

Time, please don't apologise for sharing your experience, it's all so interesting and helpful to read, if sad reading. I'm sorry your parents can't be supportive of you when you need them. I don't understand the need to belittle or criticise.

I cannot imagine in a million years ever wanting to hurt the dcs or refuse them help. It's just the most alien concept. Affection comes so naturally to me with them, I don't get how it didn't for my parents.

I'm struggling today a little. I'm normally quite level but I'm swinging between feeling angry, confused and sad. Plus the whole fear, obligation guilt thing, which is making me a little anxious about being in trouble. There is literally nobody in my family I can talk to about this and friends are great but it's hard for them to truly understand the bloody odd dynamic. I'm hoping if I can just ride these feelings through, the anxiety will pass.

I understand, and I know how it feels to not really have anyone who gets it. I can't speak to anyone in my family, either. Friends listen but I think they can't quite believe it? Or don't understand that it's an all-encompassing thing.

For me, when it gets too much I just have to go with it. I ignore them, don't contact them...don't call them back.

I don't think my parents are that interested in me but they are in the grandchildren, or I should say, they are interested in the world seeing them as doting grandparents. If it weren't for the DC it would be much easier for me to stay away from them.

Do you often get anxious? I have started CBT for low self esteem, have literally only have the initial session but feel better already now that I can identify the problem and what's caused it. Now I just need to work re-training my brain not to think bad things about myself (Which I can see has been conditioned into me by being brought up by people who are just itching to point out my faults, undermine me and belittle me at every opportunity).

I think one thing that has helped me to deal with them is to recognise triggers and anticipate them. So now when I know I'll have to see my parents I prepare myself for the kind of things they're going to say to me, then they don't come as a surprise and then I don't react out of hurt. They love to push my buttons and I've realised it infuriates them when I just dead-eye them and don't rise to any of it.

Will you have to see your family anytime soon?

Also, the thing that has really helped me with everything is to STOP wondering why they behave that way, STOP trying to get them to be nice to me.

As far as I'm concerned they were the adults and I was the child in the initial relationship and they've chosen to set the tone. Well, the consequence of their choice is to not have a real relationship with me. I'll tell them nothing. I'll respond to nothing.

Just remember THEY are making this happen, not you.

Time, your post is so spot on. They did set the tone, but actually tell me I did as a child! That infuriates me no end now I'm a parent, it's such bollocks. I was only tiny when the dynamic started. I wouldn't have been emotionally capable of manipulating anything.

I would never have said I was an anxious person but I'm definitely compliant and like to please. I hate being in the wrong, in that I feel bad if I mess up, not that I can't admit when I'm wrong - I can! I'm doing a lot to distract myself at the moment.

I used to be the sort of person who was regularly described as "lovely" but nowadays I've become quite assertive with it, which for me has been no bad thing, especially at work. I also have quite a dry sense of humour. My closest friends and i take the mick out of each other constantly in a good natured way but any sign of that side of me is interpreted as rudeness and subordination with my family.

I'm intrigued by cbt. Currently reading the toxic parents book which is quite illuminating.

Yes, I understand that totally. I get that too - I've always been 'difficult' , it's all been my fault etc etc. They can't say 'anything' to me (um, how about you something nice? perhaps you'll get a better reaction?)

The night my Dad met my DH for the first time he took DH to the bar and told him I was a "difficult woman". Now DH has known both me and my Dad for 10 years and DH is under no illusions as to who the difficult people actually are.

It hurts to know that they absolutely and 100% believe that I am damaged and broken and difficult. But do you know what? Despite their best efforts I am not. They're the f*cked up ones and they have to live with themselves.

I feel exactly as you do being a parent myself now. I cannot imagine looking at my DC and being filled with anything other than pride. There is something seriously, seriously wrong with a parent who looks at their child and lists off their faults.

I am at the point now where it's a sense of relief, of understanding that I'm not sick - they are. It's taken years but it's a real moment of clarity.

And yes, on the subject of being assertive. This is something I have recently reclaimed for myself. Spent too many years being told my mother that I was feisty and difficult and I started to doubt myself and began to let people walk all over me. Then I would be upset and spend ages worrying about things and complaining to my DH about how people had upset me, because I didn't feel I could challenge people.

My Mum did such a number on me with that one - telling me I was feisty and looking for an argument to the point that I stopped standing up for myself.

Well that's all changing now and I feel a massive relief from that a well.

Let me know how you get on with the Toxic Parents book. I want to read it but at the same time don't want to give anymore headspace to them right now at the moment, if that makes sense.

When will you see your family next? I'm going to stay with mine tomorrow and dreading it :(

timeaftertime, I relate hugely to your posts.
I am "very difficult" and "touchy" and "it's hard to talk to me".

So thank you. It's great not to be alone with it.

Like OP, I tried and tried to be "better" and to be "good enough". It has been such a relief to give up on that- accepting that I am good enough exactly as I am has released lots of energy to actually be a better person.

Hi redoubtable - yes, it does take a lot of energy. And somehow, the more I try not to slip up, the more I do! I'm so much more relaxed with people if I feel genuine warmth from them. I really don't enjoy being around negativity so I naturally gravitate toward people who are radiators rather than drains and try to be one myself. I struggle with family though. It's so hard not to rise to the same petty digs which always come up.

Time, the book is really interesting. I know what you mean about it needing headspace but it's making a great deal of sense. I'm realising how compliant I am and it's helping me understand some of the dynamics. I do recommend it, when you're ready.

I hope you're ok tomorrow. Try and put an imaginary protective shield up and remember it's not you. I'm not due to see mine for a while now, but only because there's been contact this week which has triggered all of this. I'd love to share more detail but am terrified of being outed - it's happened before!

Thanks ashrosie I'm feeling calm about it now but worried I'll unravel a day or two in. sorry you've been outed before if you ever want to pm me to chat about it please do. I feel paranoid at times too sharing it on a forum.

Such a shame there is nowhere safe to share this stuff. We so need to get it out! There is very little literature on it, too. I assume bcs the whole thing is shrouded in the deepest shame (plus we are all battling to survive...)

I have the Toxic Parents book, had it for years, but haven't properly read it bcs I felt guilty reading it, like I was betraying them. No more! Though I relate to dreading reading it. So painful. But liberating at the same time - the truth shall set you free and all that.

I'm nc with the rest of my family but i still see my parents bcs they are ancient and I know it would (literally) kill my mother if I cut her off. I see my abuser thug dad bcs they come as a package, I have no choice - I think my mum is as much a victim as me [or am I kidding myself??]. But oh my I pay a very high price

I just wanted to say that I could have written your post fifteen years ago. It's really difficult and intensely painful, but you need to realise one thing: you will never get the approval of these people while you seek it, and it is bizarrely only by signalling your independence from them (and I mean true independence, not some sham roleplaying - you have to really not give a damn what they think of you) that you will get their respect.

I can't emphasize enough how much it helped me to read about scapegoating and to talk to a counsellor about it: understanding not only that I wasn't alone, but that there was a pattern to this behaviour that 'protected' certain dynamics within the family was incredibly freeing. Also, I think you have to learn to stand very independently of a family situation that is riddled with negativity - it is not easy and can feel very exposed and lonely if you don't have psychological support mechanisms in place to help you handle it.

I also think that developing new networks of friends, and your own 'bubble' into which they cannot intrude, is vital. Boundaries are so important!

Redoubtable - I totally relate to what you're saying. When I was mired in pleasing my parents I was closed off, wary, felt constantly judged. They saw me as 'angry,' 'prickly,' 'sensitive' and I certainly was all those things because the constant headfuck of trying to be what they wanted and perpetually failing was literally driving me crazy. I do not exist at all for them - I am just a shadow to pin their failings on. I am the bogeywoman. Since I moved away I have developed some amazing friendships. I am a kind, warm, loving person. I can see that now. It is lovely to realise that about myself but I am incredibly angry that they convinced me for so long that I was defective. It affected every single part of my life. It held me back, made me miserable. It was so unnecessary.
I have to see them in the summer. I'm dreading it.

I see you around these parts a lot and you are one of those posters who generally bring a flake of common sense and humanity even in bun fights.

You certainly do not come across as any of those labels but I think your observation that one becomes those things is true.

We live up to the label.
I get really annoyed and upset when I hear labels applied to children for that reason.

Like you, I dread seeing family- but it took ages for the penny to drop that the reason I am cranky before going and exhausted after is that I do not enjoy it. I do it only for duty and for my DS to enjoy their cousins (which they still do at the moment).

My internal monologue while I am around family is "Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries" littered with "Rise above, don't take the bait, everything people say is about them not me".

'I am "very difficult" and "touchy" and "it's hard to talk to me". '

Redoubtable, are you me? Are you also 'stubborn' and 'very difficult to advise'?

Loads of sympathy to you OP and to everyone else on this thread. I recognise pretty much every word you have all written. It absolutely is a grieving process - intensely painful, up and down, incredibly exhausting. And it takes time. And it often feels like no-one else understands - its an invisible kind of grieving and there's shame and blame and secrecy surrounding it. Like other posters, I don't feel like I have any parents in any real sense, even though they are both alive. I have been the family scapegoat forever and I know how soul-shattering it is.

I've been in therapy for the past six years and I absolutely cannot recommend it enough OP. However, I would warn you, family situations like ours are not something that you will come to terms with in 6 or 8 or 12 sessions of counselling. It's the most intensely painful thing I've ever done, but also by far the most rewarding and the best money I have ever spent. Through therapy, I have gone very low contact with my parents, and no contact with my brother. Low contact for me is no phonecalls (they used to be full of manipulation and guilt trips and silence used as a weapon), texts a couple of times a month and seeing them about once a year. This is desperately painful at times - celebration days like Christmas and Mother's Day are pretty awful but the grief also strikes at random times too. However, on the whole I am much happier, much more content, much calmer, much less anxious and have much fewer periods of depression. And I like myself more - I really do. My self-respect is coming back now I'm no longer anybody's puppet.

There's a family wedding coming up this summer which DP and I will be invited to and I honestly spent all of about 10 seconds considering whether to attend, before my self-preservation instincts kicked in and I realised I would never ever want to do that to myself. My sanity and wellbeing are just not worth the risk, despite the pressure and expectations and all that trash that will no doubt be talked behind my back. I am so much more important than they are. I can't explain how much of a change this is - just a few years ago, I would have been having panic attacks and feeling physically sick at the very thought of not attending. Therapy, seriously - cannot recommend it enough. Good luck OP and keep posting x

Lotta going on your last post....you are in fact, me.

Nod. Nod. Nod.

Totally get you.
Invisible grieving, shame, silence- this is not the sort of stuff to bring up with friends over coffee. Turns most people right off.
Therapy for years.. which is the best money I've spent.
Painful Christmas (the FAMILY holiday)....when yours does not exist (in reality...although they play a very convincing imitation....the "I can't believe it's not butter" family). And when family members are shouting/cursing/threatening me...then it must be my fault and I must have irritated them to that degree.

When I am low contact with my family I have self-respect, happiness, gratitude for all the great things that actually DO exist in my life, calmness. I can set and achieve goals. I am a good friend and parent.

Ash keep going. It's a slow process but keep remembering, it's not you, it is them.
To quote another poster here: you didn't cause it, you can't control them, you can't cure them.

'I can't believe its not butter' family - love it! I remember being out for a drink with my parents and sister a few years ago, parents were doing their usual glazed expression because conversation wasn't all about them. Then a distant cousin of my dad's walked in the bar and it was like a switch had been flicked - big smiles, loud enthusiastic greetings, fun fun fun. To an outside observer at that moment, we must have looked like such a normal family having a lovely time together. I can't explain how much this is not the case! They are so deeply weird - sometimes I even find it funny. Sometimes its desperately sad and painful but mostly I feel quite numb towards them. I've worked so hard on detaching from them - it literally came down to choosing between my wellbeing and theirs, it couldn't be both. I'm so glad I chose myself.

the last family do I had at mine you couldn't wish to meet a more sparkling, wonderful bunch of people. ds's girlf was totally dazzled by them, raving about how lucky ds was to have such a wonderful family. I have to admit, even I would have been dazzled if I didn't know better re no-one spoke to me the entire time, I was the maid, scurrying to and fro the entire evening.

One of the biggest headfucks to handle is that, to them, I don't exist. In the days when I tried to reason with them I'd say 'you act as though I'm not REAL'. Technically, 'I' am NOT real to them, but a device that facilitates their fucked system.

Your post was a real help to me lotta. I think we have to remind and re-remind ourselves (the rest of our lives?) the true dynamics of what is going on. In a peculiar way it isn't personal - though it is certainly projected in a very personal way ( ). It is good to know it isn't personal. It is not us who are mad.

Shove the holly, was there anything in particular you read which was useful? I'm in a real information gathering stage at the moment.

I like the idea of the bubble - I've actually created one of those from scratch. I'm very selective about who I let in and have cut a couple of negative people loose along the way.

I also feel I live up to my label now and again - it's hard not to be secretive when people are using details of your personal life as gossip, I honestly think my family probably discuss my life more then even I think about it!

I get confused about how to manage family expectations and what they want from me. They regularly tell me they should be higher in my priorities but for self preservation I just can't let that happen. When I relied on them for support during a really tough time, they turned on me. I'm suddenly bloody angry about that.

I will definitely seek counselling so I can deal with this properly - it needs to come out and this thread is really helpful - thank you all so much for sharing your experiences.

Springydaffs xxx

Shovetheholly it's really interesting to hear that you are 15 years down the line and able to talk about it so objectively. I look forward to being in that position one day!

Springydaffs, I know exactly what you mean by the sparkling act. I see that too - often lubricated by large amounts of alcohol

Well, I've been here staying at my parents since Monday. It's kind of going ok, though I followed the counsellor's advice to be busy.

I have got quite a lot of college work to do so figured if I got as much done here as I could then that would keep me occupied in the evenings and mean I didn't have to socialise with them much.

I'm doing a really busy Uni course, so you'd think they'd understand. But no, my Dad is huffing and puffing around, shooting me disapproving looks. The underlying narrative is that I must be completely incompetent to not have got all my work done before now.

I am actually ahead on my work and working on assignments that aren't due until the end of May. But whatever, it suits him to tell me I'm being antisocial (perhaps if you were nicer to me I'd want to talk to you?)

I'm not going to feel bad about not wanting to spend time with them, they've created this situation not me. I'm only here because they wanted to see the DC.

Have been lurking on this thread ,but just wanted to say that i am another in a similar situation .I am my db and dm's scapegoat , I have been NC with dm for about 15 years but she has been widowed and db is abroad so muggins here had had to step up.I thought i could cope, i've had years of counselling but within 48 hours of being in the house with them on my own I was a gibbering wreak with db shouting at me about my real and imagined failings.

I so want to walk away but duty tells me that I have to stick around there is no one else except my SF son and I can't land it all on him .I want to be able to say that it doesn't matter that they have such a low opinion of me but it does, especially my brother , i thought he understood but I know better now .

Hi everyone, have been reading up on scapegoating in the family and have finally come to the realisation that myself and my younger brother are the family scapegoats. Christmas was when the shit hit the fan ( excuse the language!) My siblings and I are all at a age where we are having children and my parents are already showing who their favourite grandchildren are ( not my daughter or my brothers son) since then I have completly backed away, I have not stepped foot in my parents house and they don't even ask why (think they are happy they have finally driven me away) My mother will call to see me a odd time like today and today after she left I just broke down. She spent the whole time she was here talking about my brothers (the golden child's ) children. Not once asked about my daughter and she knows this hurts me she smirks at me as she talks, comments on my house comments on what I'm wearing etc I'm waiting to see a counseller because since Christmas I have been having anxiety issues which I have never had before. I have a loving partner who fully supports me. I am slowly getting stronger and slowly realising no matter what I do its not good enough for my parents so I can't win. Just so hard sometimes. Great to read other people's stories though don't feel guilty about cutting my family out of my life

Hi ashrosle, I can relate to you and am waiting to see a counseller. And I can't wait to speak to someone!! Since Christmas I have stopped visiting my family I have finally realised they are not normal and it's not normal to treat me like they do and WHATEVER I do is never good enough so why even try when I know I'm going to be shot down and laughed at and ridiculed it's not healthy for my mental health. It's not easy going nc I have days where I cry about it and have developed anxiety issues but it's getting easier!! Stay strong