My family don't seem to like me - how to make it better

[AshrosIe]

Nc for this but regular on here. I'm so miserable with it all. I have a very small family and no decent relationship with any of them. We get on superficially most of the time but there's a horrible simmering undercurrent that makes me really anxious.

I find them critical, negative and quick to point out my faults past and present. They talk about me behind my back and pick apart my life and decisions, to the point that I barely share information with any of them. They say they see the real me but I put on an act for everyone else. They claim they don't understand me at all. I think I'm pretty straightforward- I go to work, look after the dcs and fit dp, hobbies, housework and friends around it all.

I'm starting to realise how long this has been an issue and how much I've tried to please them over the years but I'm in trouble again at the moment and I just haven't got the energy for it. I don't want to play any more.

I absolutely hate negativity and bad atmospheres. I don't put up with people who create drama in any other circumstances. My friends describe me as level headed, kind and funny, as does Dp and my colleagues. My family think I'm selfish, secretive, greedy and cold.

If I dare challenge them, the conversations go nowhere as they won't explain what they mean, I can't help getting upset and they all back each other up on how awful I am. Once I cried and was told I was emotionally blackmailing them with my reaction to their feedback. I want a good relationship with my family but I just don't know how to make the dynamic better or why they'd say this stuff if it's not the case. I even sometimes worry I have some kind of personality disorder but don't know it!

Sometimes the good relationship you want is unattainable. Everyone has to make the effort, but sadly , your family don't seem willing to do that. You can't make things better on your own. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you.

It sounds like you're the family scapegoat - the person who's blamed for every problem so they don't have to address their own behaviour. Unfortunately you can't make that dynamic better - they are totally invested in seeing you as the source of all wrong and to admit that you aren't would challenge their world view too much. They would have to look at their own behaviour then, and that is not possible for them.

The only thing to do is detach. How you do that is up to you. If you feel you can safely manage a more distant relationship without it draining you, do that, but if you feel they will keep on pulling you back in then no contact might be the only option.

It is so hard coming to terms with the fact that your family is bad for you. But once you do, you may find the world becomes a brighter, more fun place. It certainly did for me.

I understand every word of your post.

It's hard, but remember it really isn't you, it's them.

I found I had to go through a kind of grieving process for the relationship I could/should have had with my family. Once I'd done that it was much easier to accept that the relationship I have with them cannot be fixed.

Try to see it as being about choices - they could choose not to be negative, not to do you down, not to gossip about you and make you feel bad. Sadly they are making the choice to behave in this way. This is their issue and you can't change their behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it.

You could make it better for yourself by seeing less of them, they sound awful.

I'm sorry for anyone who's had experience of this - it's so deeply hurtful and unnecessary. I've very gradually reduced contact over time and one of them is currently not speaking to me so rather than bend over backwards to apologise, I'm leaving it be. I feel really jittery doing that though, my normal reaction is to get it to stop.

Grief is a really accurate description.
I'm lurching between being upset, angry and wondering if I'm exaggerating the whole thing.

The most normal person always seem the most selfish, cold hearted person in a dysfunctional family. Seem to me that You have been setting boundaries, and they are hating it because you won't bend backward for them. (Like how I will not visit anyone unless they respond to my text saying it is ok to come over...to them, I never visit and check on them. I have visited and wasted my gas over someone who was not home. I will not do that again)

I'm setting the gentlest of boundaries but they've been trying to persuade me to live closer to them for some time now, and I think they are realising it won't be happening.

I'm going to steel myself over the latest upset and not attempt contact again now for a while.

Sounds a lot like some of my family, who treat[ed] me like the family joke, judging, criticising, mocking. All I wanted, like you, was a normal, sane and civil family life. Despite all efforts, all the worrying, and trying to talk to them - it didn't happen.

Every time something went wrong in my life they accelerated, and rubbed their hands in glee. They are sick.

It took many years but I finally walked away. If they don't like me, then they don't get my company or me caring for them any more. Their loss.

It's hard to walk away, hard to take the rejection but better to take control and accept that sometimes things just don't change as the people concerned don't think they do anything wrong. Sorry you've had this to put up with it all OP.

I relate to you thinking you have a personality disorder - the last person to know they are mad are the mad eh. Gah.

It is not us who is mad. I was thinking today of setting up a family scapegoat support group, because it is the most awful thing to be the scapegoat. It really is just awful.

Take heart, you aren't the only one.

Realisation is the key. It really is them & not you. Everything makes more sense when you see that it is their behaviour that is the problem.

Look at the rest of your life, interactions with DP, DCs, colleagues, everyone else thinks you are ok. That is because you are ok. It is your family that are not ok.

Detach, detach, detach, no personal information. Keep your thoughts, aspirations, worries, achievements to yourself. They will rail against it of course but the game is up for them, you see them for what they are.

How do you get on with DP's family?

I could have written your post myself too. For me it got a lot worse when I had the DCs - I think because my confidence took a hit, especially where my parenting abilities were concerned and I found it harder to deal with their negativity and criticism.

I've dealt with it by not seeing them as frequently, and not giving away so much personal information. That's been hard as for some reason I seem to have verbal diahorrea round them.

I also have had periods of thinking it must be me, I must be a horrible person. But it isn't me and it isn't you, it's them and their negative patterns of behavoiur.

I now just don't care as much about their opinion and see my DH and DCs as my 'core' family and how they think and feel is much more important than the others. I also rationalise it by telling myself that if they decided never to speak to me again I wouldn't be losing much.

Hidingmyidentity has it,"
Look at the rest of your life, interactions with DP, DCs, colleagues, everyone else thinks you are ok. That is because you are ok. It is your family that are not ok. "

I know this is so, so hard to accept. Because accepting it means accepting that you can't do anything to make it better. When I thought the problem was me I thought I could try to fix it. Once I realised the problem was them it was a really sad feeling - something that was happening to me that I could't change.

Do you want to talk about the latest incident, OP? This is a really good place to share, people on here helped me very recently. It is so important to understand that you are not alone, don't doubt yourself.

*theauthoress" re: telling them too much stuff.

I used to work for the police, and one of the advanced interviewing techniques the detectives used was to leave silences which became awkward and made the other person talk more.

I have realised that my family do this A LOT. They will ask a question "how's work" I'll say "yes, good" then they'll do the silence...where a normal person would respond to the answer "oh, that's good" they'd leave a gap....and I'd feel uncomfortable and start to fill it, "but we've had a few changes at work, and I think there are some redundancies on the horizon, hopefully I won't be affected" and there I've given them ammunition - "timeaftertime's job is AT RISK. She is clearly INCOMPETENT".

I have had to learn to live with the silence. Turn it back on them, if someone answers your question it is normal to respond to it...not leave silence. It's bloody awkward but very good fun as you can tell they feel really affronted but have no way of challenging you over it. You answered the question, it's their turn!

Its not your fault AshRosIe that your family of origin are so emotionally dysfunctional; you did not make them that way. Their own families did that lot of damage to them.

You are the scapegoat for their inherent ills; the way for you to move forward is to completely physically and emotionally detach from them. I would also suggest you post also on the "we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

YY to so many points here.

springy I'll join your scapegoats club! But no negativity, ok?

I don't want to spend the rest of my days moaning about it- just for someone to get it, and then how we moved on.

Silences and boundaries....oh, how I've learned to share very, very little.

Lonely really, as my dream family would be people with whom I feel safe and cherished; where I can share my triumphs (without fear of someone telling me I'm boasting or having it belittled or having someone make a "joke" about it).
Where I can also share my low points without it being used to "prove" that I am as awful as they like to think...or for them to use it as gossip with extended family (oh, how I HATE that).

I do spend some time around family now, but I steel myself in advance to keep boundaries very firm and to share as little as possible (chat about weather, books, news headlines but little else).

My family are very similar to your family and have treated me terribly. I know how much it hurts. I wasted half my life feeling sad about the relationship I had with them. It was quite extreme. I could do no right, my brother and sister could do no wrong. They got rewarded in a big way. I got treated as sub-human. I got told I was insane. Extended family members believed lies about me, the liars believed their own lies.

And then I woke up and realised I was being abused and I coudn't put up with it for the rest of my life. And I realised I had to protect my child from it because they were repeating the same patterns with the grandchildren. I've had to cut all ties with all family members and patch up my self-esteem as best as I can. Things are better than they were now, I feel much stronger.

Maybe you don't have to cut all ties. Maybe the problem isn't as extreme in your family, but putting a big distance emotionally and physically will help you.

Hey there...

So sorry to read your post...it made me feel really sad.

Do you have a narcissistic mother by any chance? Sounds like you are being scapegoated...

Oh gosh, I'm overwhelmed by your lovely kind posts. I'm just back from work so going to grab a cup of tea and properly read through them all. Thank you all.

I'll definitely remember that timeaftertimeagain - I think in have been inadvertently doing it on some occasions, when my confidence was lower I just waffled on then beat myself up but now I just say nothing and kinda enjoy the awkward silence in a passive agressive way.

My mother in particular is extremely critical of my parenting choices and in the past I felt myself waffling a lot to justify my decisions or 'explain' why I had done / not done certain things where the kids were concerned.

By reassessing what they mean to me, and coming to the realisation that my world won't stop spinning if I don't have their approval, I'm now able to just shrug when she disagrees with me and be confident in my choices.

Oh and ashrosie the one time I practically had a breakdown in front of them and challenged their response the same thing happened! my mum started crying and yelled at me for shouting In front of my son and upsetting her, just kept repeating that I needed to see a doctor then she got up and left without a word. Made it all about her and made me out to be some crazy loon instead of someone who had two young kids and was tired and needed someone to help and not judge.

I'm back - thank you all. hidingmyidentity you are right, I've always had plenty of friends. Lovely, bright supportive ones. I've had countless personality profiles done at work which always come out the same. I think I'm pretty self aware in general. I'd hope I'm ok.

Senua, you asked how I get on with dps family - his mum is a difficult lady and probably warrants a thread of her own but we get on fine. His sister is lovely. Xhs family are fab, even though xh and I split some time ago, they treat me like one of the family. There are loads of them and it was one of the hardest things about getting divorced - thinking I'd lose a big boisterous extended family who were more affectionate towards me than my own. Luckily I didn't

The authoress - I get the verbal diarrhoea too. It's nerves. I have to actively tell myself to shut up. It's hard as I do share most things with my friends. I'm not used to being on my guard.

Timeaftertimeagain - thank you. You've nailed it. I'm a fixer and if this was me causing the issue I could fix it. I feel helpless because I can't.

Attila, both parents had dysfunctional upbringings. I really sympathise with that but I've heard so much about it over the years, I don't know what to say any more. I do know it's not my responsibility and I've lived fearful of upsetting them by saying anything which could be construed as critical. I don't ever remember having a teenage rant at my mum, for example. I wouldn't have heard the end of it. I didn't dare question or criticise.

Redoubtable, yes. I just want to feel safe and cherished. Not gossiped about or my failings gloated over. Or them thinking that everything I do is about them. It really isn't.

Springydaffs - just . You poor love. I hope things turn around for you, that sounds just horrific and I wish you strength.

There was an incident soon after I separated from xh. It was a truly awful time as one of the dcs also had some serious health concerns and I was on my own (I hadn't met dp at this point) and worried sick. It was my first birthday post split and I really felt miserable, the dcs had gone to xh so some friends organised to take me out. Because of this, I missed a call from family. Returning the call the next day I got an utter barrage of how selfish I was, how awful i'd been in the past and how I always put them last. I was absolutely side swiped, called my sister for support and got the same barrage from her, same words. I then cried for about 48 hrs straight. It was more upsetting than the split and that's saying something.

Thinking about that now makes me really bloody angry. I was so vulnerable at that point and they just went for me. it was like their sympathy had an expiry date and they were letting me know it.

Toxic people love when their targets have low points. In like vultures, they dive in to take advantage of the situation, grasp the opportunity to make themselves feel self righteous and smug.

It helps to prove their point that their life is ok, they do things the right way and you are always in the wrong. They succeed, you fail....in their sick world anyway.

To build self esteem it's best to just see people who, after you have spent time with them, you leave them feeling content, happy, smiley and calm....and not wound up, angry, anxious, feeling attacked and judged and feeling worried.

Take the power away from the bullies, and give very little of your precious time away to them. They won't change and they aren't worth it. You deserve better treatment.

Thanks cafe.

I think it really struck me after seeing close friends and my family in quick succession how differently I felt after each encounter. My friends see me in a positive light and look for the good. They tease affectionately, nobody criticises or judges and there just isn't any angst.

I'm thinking about going to see a counsellor to chat this through, it's come up before and I've always parked it, but this time I'm feeling a bit stronger about the idea.

Did those of you who limited contact have something that pushed you to make that choice? Was there an incident or was it a gradual build up?

My incident was severe depression. I was very ill, and for a while they behaved like normal people - concerned, supportive - but soon reverted back to their 'normal' - acting like I was an annoyance, saying I was selfish for worrying them etc. I was under the care of a brilliant psychiatric nurse at the time who said 'You know what's holding you back? The child inside you who's still looking for her parents' love. You're banging your head against a brick wall. You need to stop.' She was dead right. The opportunity came up to move countries and DH and I took it. I learned that if I didn't ring, they wouldn't. I did invite them over but they didn't come until grandchildren arrived. Being away from them has been amazingly good for me. I went from being severely depressed and suicidal with no money to having a lovely house, two beautiful kids, a great job, lots of friends and a wonderful life with a (mostly!) great DH. I still mourn the fact I don't really have parents. But I've had a good life in spite of that.