Anyone want to talk about emotional abuse?

[notmadafterall]

Hello MNers

Have NC as I want to start fresh, and not have to go through the particulars of what happened to me again. I have had a few threads on here and received wondrous support from the lovely people of Mumsnet (both sexes), who stayed with me during my break up from an EA man.

I am just trying to get my head around it all and was hoping to start a discussion on this awful phenomenon. Perhaps it could be a help to someone out there who is going through it at the moment, or trying to get over it, as I am.

I read the Lundy Bancroft book, which really, really helped. An amazing book which should be on the National Curriculum.

I have read so many threads on here relating to emotional abuse. Its all still fairly new to me and its difficult to understand how it seems to be so rife. Its horrendous.

I was convinced I was crazy for so many years, and now that I have an understanding of what he was doing, I feel such relief. Not mad after all!

So, if anyone wants to share their experiences, or has anything to say about EA, please do.

I personally am particularly interested in how to deal with an EA ex, who is being difficult (we have a small child together).

However I am interested to hear anything about the subject, as I am trying to understand it better. The more I talk about it or read about it, the less crazy I feel. This includes partners - men or women, and families, friends, parents etc.

I hope people respond to this thread as I think its such an important thing to understand and get out there. I had no idea it was a "thing" up until a few months ago. Now that I know about it, the last 10+ years make more sense.

I look forward to any replies

Notmad, my ex finished with me but after 3 months of withholding affection & outright bullying which I think was a tactic to try & get me to finish with him. But I was so in thrall to him i'd never, ever have left him.

But when he did finish with me, he said 'we need to agree that you understand why this is happening & it's better that we split up, so we can tell everyone it's a mutual decision!. I said NO WAY are you getting away with that one, you can tell everyone you ended it. Trying to frame it as a mutual decision when I was begging him not to leave me and was distraught: awful, manipulative behaviour

Yes, marshmallowpies, for this type of person they want to keep their "nice guy image", my ex hasn't even told any of his friends yet we have split! The only consolation is though, at least he's done you a favour by splitting (even if he wanted to keep it all on his terms), so you can detach and continue on your recovery.

I'm feeling ok now, but still get flashbacks of stuff that went on, e.g. "popping out for five minutes" just as dinner was ready and disappearing for hours and not answering his phone, and then coming back and saying "I only realised when I got out I felt like going for a walk etc., why didn't you just go on and have dinner yourself?". Errm, because the idea was we'd have a night in and have dinner together?! But I think that's just me processing, and having lightbulb moments, and understanding patterns of behaviour and also the rescuing/co-dependency tendencies in myself that they ignited.

Hello everyone

I'm struggling today. I suspect he's found me on here, judging by some of his comments in an email today. But I refuse to be controlled by him and I need support so here I am, posting. If you're reading, ex, these people do not have a hidden agenda. Yes, you are right, they don't know you. But they know and recognise abusive behaviour, and they are lovely and caring, supportive people. And I need support.

He's blocked on my phone so he emailed me this morning, begging me to reconsider my decision and take him back. I said no, sorry. His emails became quickly nasty, calling me evil, blaming me for the ill health of his elderly parents, telling me I'm putting obstacles in his way from seeing his child (he's just had him the entire weekend and I offered for him to have him this weekend too) but because I don't want him in my flat, and I don't want our son staying in the flat share he's in at the moment: I'm being difficult.

He's laying the guilt trip on thick and he's really distressed me today. I have asked him several times to stop, and I think he has now, but not before he's broken me. Again.

I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Can you not read his emails? Or send them to a folder where you don't see them? Don't give him this power over you. If you were broken you'd not have found the courage to post on here tonight. Well done.
I do know how hard it is, I'm not looking forward to my husband's response when he doesn't get all his way over divorce issues. Years of his bullying and entitlement have trained me well

Notmad even if he is reading it this should be a safe space where you can speak freely, whatever happens. Hopefully there will come a time where he feels so distant to you, you don't even care what he thinks about you, or even if he does think about you at all. I appreciate its more difficult if there is a child involved too, though.

Greysheep I remembered something awful my ex did: he was a mature student while I was still working, and one night at the end of term he went out on a bender with his classmates, all much younger. I was just going to bed when he rang - they were leaving the pub and they all wanted to carry on drinking, could they come back to our flat.? I said, sorry, no, I had work the next day and was already in my night things. (And our bedroom opened off the living room, there was no way I could fail to be disturbed by then).

He pleaded with me, then got angry, then said 'well I'm doing it anyway'. When they all arrived at the flat he couldn't understand why I didn't get dressed and come and join them, the fact I had a job to get up for was irrelevant to him. He thought I should just have a sickie and stay up all night drinking with them.

It was so ridiculously unreasonable of him but somehow it was all my fault for being a killjoy and spoiling their fun.

Rozalia thanks for replying. My good friend came over after work when she could see how distressed I was. I feel marginally better now.

I didn't know that I could move his emails to another folder, I will do it tomorrow when I'm at a PC. Thank you., that might help.

It's just so upsetting that he can get under my skin. He says he wants to get back with me, and then proceeds to disrespect and abuse me. The mother of his child.

It's good in a way, it's reminding me why I left and why I would never go back.

marshmallowpies I think I've got to the point where I don't care what he thinks of me (nearly)., but I find I do care about what our (or his, really) friends think of me.

I do hope they know me, and him, well enough to know the truth behind why I left. I wish it didn't bother me so much.

Sorry if I missed any messages, it's been a hectic couple of days here. STBXH fought me at every step for my DS not to stay with me this week, even going so far as to tell him he could choose not to come here because we're all sick.

This is just his way to be nasty because we had a meeting at Ds's school last Friday and because I took my mum for support, apparently he was railroaded into letting DS stay here until Thursday. Never mind that there were three teachers who would have stopped the meeting if that were the case; if you believed him, I'm an evil witch who's trying to 'win' at all costs and doesn't care about anyone but themselves.

I don't think he's cottoned on that this isn't a competition, I'm just doing what's best for DS because the poor boy has been stressed as all hell thanks to his dad telling him he had to choose where to live.

Am hopping mad and would love to smack my STBXH upside the head with a clue-by-four

Three weeks into the relationship he said I love you don't you love me why don't you say it back? Three months later he wanted a baby and I'm not being fair because it was ok for me as I already had a two year old already! This lead him to have a massive sulk resulting in him turning his back on me whilst we were in bed. Then he would have a go at me for not having orgasims to his liking! The fact is that it turnt me off him spitting on my vagina during sex after asking him not to do it but he would just carry on. One time we had both been out and I was drunk, came home and fell asleep on the sofa fully clothed. I fell off the sofa to find my knickers and skirt round my ankles and him going down on me. I was shocked and asked him what the fuck are you doing, he said I wanted a bit. I said no I don't to which he called me a drunk bitch and then he walked out! Hated the fact that I was close to my family and friends and slowly isolated me from them. Because they showed fucking loyalty to me his words!
He was living in rented accomadation and got behind with the rent so was kicked out, wanted to live with me I said no. So he said your son won't think very highly of you doing that to me. And I don't want to live in your fucking scummy council house anyway!
Unfortunately I got pregnant by him and it was an ectopic pregnancy and he couldn't get away quick enough. Left me like a wounded dog in the hospital to cope. When he did reappear he said make sure you don't go round telling people my fucking business about this! He said when I told him about the pregnancy we are not having a fucking baby. He rang me loads whilst at work shouting down the phone have you taken that fucking pill yet what's taking you so long.
I am on the freedom program and its the best thing that has happened to me as I will never accept that kind of poor behaviour ever ever again. Sorry that was long but it helps get it off my chest and realise what a vile cunt he was.

marshmallowpies I keep remembering stuff too, but it's good you're processing and able to see patterns and actions from a distance, for what they are.

leafitout that's awful for you, but glad you're doing the freedom programme to help avoid such guys in the future and good that you're feeling angry about his behaviour now, you are right to be angry it was appalling treatment of you.

notmadafterall sorry you're having a hard time, to paraphrase "he knows what buttons to push, because he put them there". Glad you're getting some RL support. Of course the actions still upset you somewhat - even though you've detached somewhat it takes time, and he will know the short-cut to upsetting you when his tactics of persuasion didn't work. As for what friends think of you, believe me they will probably have a better idea of what's he's really like than you think.

Thegreysheep the freedom program helped me aswell as reading Lundy Bancroft. I wish everyone well and hope they too can believe that the abuser is at fault and not them at all

Same sex platonic friends can also emotionally abuse.

Lundy Bancroft is great, also Code pendent No More by Melodie Beatty, to help you detach.
SoleSource I agree, have you experienced this yourself?

How are things now @notmadafterall?

I am in a similar relationship and to give an example this weekend I went out for drinks from work, he said he was fine with it and gave me a running commentary about what he was doing with the children, he often texts about ten -tweny times when I am out, the last text he sent asked when I was coming home as he was jealous of me being out with other people - his words 'makes me so sad you are probably doing what i want with someone else' ' which will be the end of us'. So I left and went home to find him snoring with a bottle of wine in the kitchen empty.

Saturday was fine, he went out with friends in the afternoon so that helped really as I didn't have him to deal with although he was supposed to get something for DS but didn't.

Yesterday was a nightmare, after putting on a nice as pie front at the school fete, he stormed off like a petulant child because we - me and the DC's - were laughing and joking after jumping in his chair to watch a movie of their choice - one he didn't want to watch. We argued, he told me to get a f'''king grip, said that I am pathetic. He continued drinking heavily. I put the children to bed, but DD couldn't settle so I chatted and cuddled her, then put DS to bed and came downstairs, he then said he could cope anymore that I was too boring for him, too boring and always tired. I said that I was no different to any of my friends to which he replied well they are ones I will have to avoid too!! and I can see why men go for younger women I don't know whats happened to you??? The weekend was shit, just like every other weekend with you is shit, you have no sex drive, no love, no empathy and you are no fun...I was crying at this point and he said ffs pathetic I am always sad but you don't see me crying do you, get over it I am not talking about it anymore, I tried to say but I'm hurt by what you have said and he just kept sayin, I'm not talking about it anymore. i said he was making me doubt myself and he said I said I am not talking about it - your lack of sex drive is killing this realtionship far more than my anger, you need to sort yourself out.........ooh joy...today I have mostly been mulling it over....but what a twat....am sure it was mostly the booze talking...four pints, a pimms and a bottle of wine!!