Anyone want to talk about emotional abuse?

[notmadafterall]

Hello MNers

Have NC as I want to start fresh, and not have to go through the particulars of what happened to me again. I have had a few threads on here and received wondrous support from the lovely people of Mumsnet (both sexes), who stayed with me during my break up from an EA man.

I am just trying to get my head around it all and was hoping to start a discussion on this awful phenomenon. Perhaps it could be a help to someone out there who is going through it at the moment, or trying to get over it, as I am.

I read the Lundy Bancroft book, which really, really helped. An amazing book which should be on the National Curriculum.

I have read so many threads on here relating to emotional abuse. Its all still fairly new to me and its difficult to understand how it seems to be so rife. Its horrendous.

I was convinced I was crazy for so many years, and now that I have an understanding of what he was doing, I feel such relief. Not mad after all!

So, if anyone wants to share their experiences, or has anything to say about EA, please do.

I personally am particularly interested in how to deal with an EA ex, who is being difficult (we have a small child together).

However I am interested to hear anything about the subject, as I am trying to understand it better. The more I talk about it or read about it, the less crazy I feel. This includes partners - men or women, and families, friends, parents etc.

I hope people respond to this thread as I think its such an important thing to understand and get out there. I had no idea it was a "thing" up until a few months ago. Now that I know about it, the last 10+ years make more sense.

I look forward to any replies

Mine was a classic tale of ignoring red flags early on. I believed him whe he said:
I want five kids and I want to be part time SAHD
I want you to keep seeing your friends.
I support your career path
I am proud of and support your hobby (which is how we met)

In reality:
One kid was too much like hard work, never mind two
He made it very difficult for me to keep seeing my friends.
He hated that my career meant he had to look after his own kids some weekends (in lieu of weekdays when I could support our dc who both have extra needs with school)
He ruined many important events connected to my hobby, on one occasion even shouting 'when are you going to put the kids first' (actual )
Never lifted a finger around the house but often moaned about his untidy I was
Moaned about our financial situation but would never open a bank statement, let alone create or stick to a budget. Borrowed more and more from the bank. For things he believed befitted his our 'status'

What a total jerk.
So glad I booted him out.
Fair enough to listen to what people say, far more important to pay close attention to how they behave

This is the lesson I will teach my daughters.

Fair enough to listen to what people say, far more important to pay close attention to how they behave

Just what I said to FW this morning. Took me a long time to learn that hard lesson.

Oh and the EA kicked in the moment our first child was born.

Classic. It's like a script.

Wish I found this board ten years ago!

Ah yes, hobbies, interests and friends. I had that too.

I was actively involved in a hobby when we met. Funny how I stopped doing it entirely a year later.

I took on another hobby not too long afterwards, one that he enjoyed too, and slowly built that up with a circle of friends.

A few years on, he said he'd leave if I didn't want to have a child with him (and he forced me to start trying to conceive, but that's another story) I don't know why I didn't leave. I said ok, as long as he promised I could still be the person I was, in a modified way, because it was very VERY important to me. He swore up and down that yes, he would support me in that.

He insisted on trying for a child just as I was starting to get successful in my hobby (and he wasn't - I know he was jealous.)

Little did I know he would back out on all of those promises. And be more trapped than ever because I was at home with a baby and an unsupportive partner, who then didn't believe I had PND, got angry with me for my lack of earning power and ran me into the ground. Who sulked for the hours leading up to the occasional times I went out, was horribly rude to my mother when she visited from abroad when DD was born, and isolated me from my friends by making me feel it should just be us two at home, and we should shut out the world.

My FW "shut out the world". He's pretty lonely now.

Yep, I can count my ex's friends on one hand.

Don't think FW has any friends at all. He must be very lonely, especially as he doesn't like his own company.

Its really interesting that someone raised the question of apologies and the role they play in abuse....

My STBX never never apologises for anything. I frequently used to apologise after rows just to keep the peace, thinking it might prompt him to meet me half way. Never worked. In the early days when arguments were fairly trivial and not too nasty that seemed reasonable.

As our arguments got nastier over time, I started to pull him up on this, pointing out that he never apologised, even after severe verbal abuse which even he couldn't justify. He would just say that apologies were cheap... an apology didn't solve anything, you had to show you were sorry, not just say it. (Of course he never did show he was sorry either.)

A few weeks ago he threatened to burn my flat, smashed my iPad and said within my daughter's earshot that he was going to kill himself, then was extremely verbally abusive to me (called me a whore, among other things.)

A week later, when the penny dropped that I was serious about wanting him out of the house, he apologised. I said it was too late and it was over between us.

I know I did the right thing and I know it was a tactic on his part. But it took all my strength not to accept that apology.

The power of a long overdue apology from an abuser who hasn't hitherto said sorry is very strong and very hard to resist.

BertieBotts I think you should write a book.

OP, you asked about avoiding an abuser in future. Not easy, because they keep this side of their personality well under wraps to start with.

However, because they lack empathy, they tend to approach relationships in a particular manner: eg, putting on a big show and idealising, rather than really noticing or caring about the real human being in front of them.

So in addition to BB's points about this, my quick guide to spotting trouble in the early days would include these:

Intensity
Charm
Extreme keenness to commit
Moving the relationship along quickly
Overwhelming you with attention
Too effusive - repeatedly telling you how gorgeous and perfect you are
Wanting to spend every minute with you (so don't get any time to yourself)
Telling you you're special and different
Treating you like a princess
Being too good to be true - you start using words such as perfect, or amazing

On the negative side:
Blames others
Hard luck stories
Crazy ex stories ( see also: my ex was a drunk/unfit mother/needed sectioning/drug user)
Not taking no for an answer (for example: you say you can't see them today, but they come round anyway).
Lack of friends
Occasional off-colour or slightly cruel jokes
Being off hand, unkind, or making himself scarce when you are unwell (very big warning IMO)

This is not an exhaustive list, but I would regard these as potential early warnings, if several occur at once.

This thread is making me cry now.

It is a horrible shame that all the women on here, who come across as intelligent, strong people, have been messed with by cruel EA partners who tried to crush their spirit.

I am angry today. And tired.

No one should have to go through this.

Ohsotired you sound worn out.

A very good and wise friend of mine who helped me hugely with recognising what was happening to me said it is because I'm an intelligent woman that I could reason and rationalise, which kept message there longer than if I'd not tried to analyse what was going on. I think it's true. I think these men are inadequate and on some level they know it. They need us but they resent it.

A book :) No, I would have to source it all correctly with research studies and such, but everything I have learned, I have learned from this fantastic brilliant board and the brave, amazing women who post here. No sources, just stories and lived experience. Maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to have the resources to research and write about it.

I am five years on and there are still scars, but I can look at the whole thing objectively now. I'd love to do this as a job, though, help people understand abusive relationship dynamics.

Thank you ohsotired45 and notmadafterall for the replies. So much of my relationship was about ignoring the abuse and not talking about it so it helps so much to start to share my story and take strength from the women on here.

I did look into using a contact centre but exh refuses to pay, I haven't been able to find a free service. The only legal help I can access are the lawyers who volunteer their time with Woman's Aid; they've helped me with some financial filings to try to get him to pay any support.

I'm not really worried about any physical abuse during handover but he still tries to get his mean/cutting/innappropriate comments in when he sees me. It's all about control. The violence at the end was all about control as well; the police were involved and they were the ones who got me in touch with Woman's Aid. I don't think he would be violent with the children but I will report anything to HV or GP if I think he has been violent with them.

It's emotionally draining dealing with EA, isn't it? I know I have so much healing to go through.

Thank you confused

I understand all too well about not having financial resources to take legal action or pay for things like mediation or contact centres. I haven't earned above the personal tax threshold for a good few years now. I used to earn a pretty decent salary.

I'm knackered so more tomorrow, but Friends it sounds like you could really do with an ally, someone local who could accompany you to the drop offs. Maybe someone at Women's Aid could occasionally help if you don't have a friend? Do they have mentors or volunteers? I haven't gone there yet, I'm still waiting. I know I couldn't face it alone at the moment.

I wonder if it's me - abuser...

Or I still can't clear my mind from some past issues?!

That's a great idea, I will ask WA if they have any mentors. Thank you.

Are you okay, Inexperiencedchick? Did you want to chat about something?

Hi I would happily add here, I had no idea really I was in an abusive relationship until it ended in violence that left me really hurt. I lived in an affluent area and appeared to have a perfect life to others, The woman's refuge became my saviour and a counseller ( a very proactive positive one) , they helped me see I was so low because I had been emotionally abused for years not only by my husband but also his mum. Unfortunately I also now see how my dad was an abuser and my mum was weak do I was too. It's taken a long long time to unravel and my ex also no longer bothers with his children , he doesn't even acknowledge them on their birthdays ! But we are free it's taken time and bloody loads of counselling ( that woman has truly saved me and my children) ,in truth it's taken 8 years to recover fully ( sorry) life actually improved when he left the children too as we were no longer trying to recover from his continual verbal abuse attacks . I'm at university now and my children are happy ,we are a good happy little family x

Every time I said "no" as an answer I had a nasty reply back...

At some point I started to be ignorant for everything what he was saying... as he was hurting me more and more...

But is it because I had a gut feeling that he already is having someone that I end up being rude? I don't know why I was trying to hold on to someone who treated me with full disrespect.

“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.”
? Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

I just couldn't get my head around why someone offers relationship and doesn't want to date, get to know each other better... Just straight into intimacy...

I still question myself, if I'm the wrong one and that I had to agree for everything...

Just don't know!

I just couldn't get my head around why someone offers relationship and doesn't want to date, get to know each other better... Just straight into intimacy...

That is because they didn't see the relationship - in fact - any relationship - in the same way you do. You (and most people) see a relationship as a connection between two people, so of course, you want to get to know a person. For an abuser and especially a narc it is more about fulfilling a role.

Something interesting about abusers is that they often use pet names, baby, love, darling, etc. They rarely ever use their partner's actual name. It's another sign that all (women) are interchangeable to them. No, they do not want to get to know you. Why would they want that? They are not interested in who you are, they want you to fill a role.

Yes, I had been called "baby" most of the time.

Very rarely he called me by my name... Then he stopped using anything as I complained about the whole situation.

And then he started to create more pain. I knew from feeling very weak that I'm completely emotionally worn out...

When did you leave? Are you still there? It sounds very recent.

Are you out of the relationship now, Inexperiencedchick? I hope so, he doesn't sound healthy.

I didn't live in with him.

For me it was more important to date and spend some time together... And if it's really worth it I would probably take the next step.

For him it was 10 days phone conversation and "come to my house"...

I was surprised!

And I started to question myself recently that I might be an abuser. He actually filled the gap for the previous guy... But interactions with the recent one made me miss the previous one... Or is it that I'm an old school type? Need to have time to get to know a person closer...

It's not a great sign, is it?

Thank you so much for posting on this. This has almost brought me to tears. After a few years, I am realising that I have been emotionally abused. Notmad, I am in the same situation as you. Small DC too and EA is playing the victim. I don't know how to
Deal with it.

Good thread, if upsetting.
Is it a good idea to call someone on their abusive behaviour or simply tell them their behaviour is abusive?
My ex is definitely in this category but seems to have no idea that he is abusive.
We are struggling with arragements for our DCs and he has asked me why the friction when I am dealing with him.
Tbh it has taken a long time to realise how much he put me down and controlled me and this has left me feeling very down but also very angry.