Anyone want to talk about emotional abuse?

[notmadafterall]

Hello MNers

Have NC as I want to start fresh, and not have to go through the particulars of what happened to me again. I have had a few threads on here and received wondrous support from the lovely people of Mumsnet (both sexes), who stayed with me during my break up from an EA man.

I am just trying to get my head around it all and was hoping to start a discussion on this awful phenomenon. Perhaps it could be a help to someone out there who is going through it at the moment, or trying to get over it, as I am.

I read the Lundy Bancroft book, which really, really helped. An amazing book which should be on the National Curriculum.

I have read so many threads on here relating to emotional abuse. Its all still fairly new to me and its difficult to understand how it seems to be so rife. Its horrendous.

I was convinced I was crazy for so many years, and now that I have an understanding of what he was doing, I feel such relief. Not mad after all!

So, if anyone wants to share their experiences, or has anything to say about EA, please do.

I personally am particularly interested in how to deal with an EA ex, who is being difficult (we have a small child together).

However I am interested to hear anything about the subject, as I am trying to understand it better. The more I talk about it or read about it, the less crazy I feel. This includes partners - men or women, and families, friends, parents etc.

I hope people respond to this thread as I think its such an important thing to understand and get out there. I had no idea it was a "thing" up until a few months ago. Now that I know about it, the last 10+ years make more sense.

I look forward to any replies

That's amazing that you could pay for it queenofthenight. I've had therapists recommended to me, if I could pay.

In my situation, I was so ground down by my ex that I had to resign from my job, whilst pregnant, and I've been very poor for 4 years now. I'm getting there, as my confidence grows with time, but it's slow going. (Hence me posting about making myself go out to jobs even though I'm having panic attacks when it's a bad week.)

£75/hour or more is just a dream right now. But you're right, every person who has gone through this is worth it.

Going back to the NHS, this is again why a good GP is key. And also a good therapist who knows to refer on if need be. A person who is referred for counselling but who has deeper issues should be referred on by the counsellor to more specialist services. Bust sometimes you have to ask and push and ask again. It takes a combination of people who really want to help you, and some determination on the part of the person who's seeking help. Not always easy, I know, when you are not feeling good.

I come from an advocacy background and I fought for clients to get decent housing, GP treatment and all sorts, so I guess I have that steering me. Women's Aid would probably be able to help with advocacy for this area?

Queen, if it's not too personal a question (tell me to bog off if so) what was it about yourself that you found out?

ohso I was in contact with women's aid, perhaps I can call them back. Also, I will think about going back to doc, maybe ask for a different one though. Yes, I felt really ignored by the consultation I had before. She actually said she could see by my body language that I wasn't ready for counselling. She wanted to put me on anti depressants for 3 months, then go back, then she would see if I was ready, and if I was, she'd put me on the waiting list. I left the surgery crying, and feeling more down than when I went in!

Hey notmad, you get the help you feel is right for you when you want to and/or are ready. If I sounded passionate it's because I have seen so many bad or resistant GPs and I felt for you.

A story springs to mind. Second time I needed to be signed off with work related stress, when I lived in my former home, I was desperate & saw a different GP in my surgery when mine wasn't available. He listened to me briefly, saw me in floods of tears & abruptly stopped me and said "your situation sounds intolerable but I don't sign people off just for "stress".

I left an absolute wreck, crying my eyes out. I barely slept.

The next day, I went back & managed to see my usual GP. He couldn't slag his colleague off obviously, but he looked angry when I told him what had happened & said: "Dr X and I have different views on this sort of thing." And signed me off for 3 months at a time, without hesitation. I will forever be grateful to him.

Ohso., thank you. It's really really nice to know someone cares! There is a doctor in my surgery that I like and trust, I think. I will try and get an apt with her. Thanks for the push I needed

you mentioned you were looking for work or you have been applying for something? How is that going now? Are you finding things difficult? Anything we can help with? Questions!

It's worth asking Women's Aid or even just googling.

I googled and found a counselling service near me, this one was specifically for Asian women and so they understand the cultural influences and pressures I have around my separation.

They had a 3/4 week waiting list but I had my first session this week. They charge just £5/session and are subsided by National Lottery funding.

There might be somewhere similar near you?

Happy and bubbly can mean a person who is trusting, kind, compassionate, friendly to everyone, sees the positive/good in the world, and crucially, people. Often good at compartnentalising. You can of course still be kind and considerate and see the good in people, but you need to develop barriers to stop people from using that kind and positive nature against you.

There is a line in a karine polwart song which goes "I know you think that hands are made for pulling us through, but there are people out there who don't think like you do". Very apt I think.

Sorry to be brief, am on train.

notmad of course, you're more than welcome. I may be not so great at sorting myself out (ain't that often the way!) but I feel passionately about advocacy for other people who are not getting the service they need.

I work for myself, so I'm not job hunting, just trying to do the work I have booked in while working around the difficulties I have, and trying to get more clients. It's a daily struggle. Thanks for the good wishes.

NameChanger that's great that you've found a local service that is aimed at you, and that you can be seen so quickly! I once worked with an Asian colleague who faced the same issues as you when she divorced her husband, including having her house egged and being shunned by her neighbours, so I have some understanding of what you're facing. I could not believe that people would treat her like that, especially given what a tosser her ex was. Good luck to you.

BertieBotts That's very interesting. I fall in the "happy and bubbly" camp too (perhaps that doesn't come across here, ha!) and I lacked the safety barriers to stop people taking advantage too. I thiink I have them now, at least some of them.

Bertie - yes. You have described me to a tee. trusting, kind, compassionate, friendly to everyone, sees the positive/good in the world, and crucially, people. Often good at compartnentalising.

I always look for the good in people, never want to believe that anyone would be out to "get me" or have any ulterior motive for wanting to be my friend. This is something I really need to work at. I have always known that I am naive in this respect, but I didn't want to become one of those (what I then saw as) unfriendly, closed off people...IYSWIM. Not sure I am making any sense here by the way.

Namechanger - thanks. Thats really good. I am going to spend my working day looking for services around my area

Rozalia - I feel the same as you. On the outside I'm doing ok but I feel damaged on the inside.

I don't pay anywhere near £75...thankfully. That would make it completely impossible.

I did the Freedom Programme, which is free. You can do it as many times as you like. I can't speak highly enough of it, and the facilitators. There is often childcare available too. You can do it online, or in a group. I did it at the local children's centre.

What did I learn about myself? Shit boundaries! That is possibly the biggest thing. Chronic self esteem issues, related to not having healthy boundaries. There are load of books on the subject.

www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-Where-You-End-Begin-ebook/dp/B00BS03HD8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427362575&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+by+anne+katherine

That my family are chronically dysfunctional. Again, no boundaries. None. I am aware of my own attachment issues. This is massive too. Really, really massive. I don't know that you can work through this stuff without highly qualified guidance. I certainly couldn't. It's too complex and being the "subject" I couldn't hope to have any kind of real clarity.

The Stately Homes thread on here is definitely worth a look. It was there that I began to realise just how toxic my family of origin is. I began, as all posters do, thinking I was a bit of a fraud and it really wasn't that bad. It is/was that bad, and worse. It is beyond bad.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory ....just as a start!

For Asian women there is this charity. I read the founder's autobiography and was deeply inspired and awed.

www.karmanirvana.org.uk/

Women's Aid, and IDAC were wonderful. The local children's centre provided support, and I often spent many hours there crying. They supported me through some really nasty court stuff, without taking sides, quite an achievement!

I could go on and on. I have worked so hard, read so much, cried buckets, thrown up with grief. Worth it though.

Local council's have some kind of family safety/domestic abuse service. Have a look on their websites too.

queen I referred myself to my local WA at Christmas, and had to nudge them to do the phone assessment 2 weeks later and it turned out they'd lost my referral. They didn't say anything about the Freedom Programme being available online. Have I not been filled in fully I wonder? I was told I had to wait for intake until at least April for a group.

I'll give them a call today. I have to say that I was impressed with the helpline but less impressed with my local office. The second time I rang, she asked me what I wanted - as if I should already know what they have and offer. It was a bit weird. But I'll try them again as they're the one I have to deal with.

The attachment theory link is interesting. I had a good bond with my mum until I was 8, and then it all went to hell in a handbasket which is too long of a story for here. My dad was an arse, he only isn't now because he's poorly. I've often told therapists that I feel a huge hole in my formative years between the age of 8 and my early 20s, that I feel I had no family guidance, unconditional love and someone looking out for me.

I wonder how many this resonates for?

charactertherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2009/06/thursday-therapeutic-thought.html

Have just bought the Donald G Dutton and the Boundaries book, both recommended above. Thanks I very much look forward to the next few weeks' reading

When I get a moment in work, I will have a look through all the interesting links PP have been posting. Keep them coming, and thanks again.

I'll read that link later too. I'm feeling a mix of intrigue and "penny dropped" at reading things that resonate with me, and also deep sadness.

I just had a frustrating call with my Women's Aid local branch. The group I've signed up for doesn't have space until June. I referred myself at Christmas.

And then she mentioned another group that might be more appropriate, to do with depression and living day to day, that I would have missed out on had I not pressed her for more info today. It starts after Easter so I'm now down for that one, thankfully.

She had no idea if I could do the Freedom Programme online, and told me it would cost and I'd just have to research it myself.

I did some googling and anyone who signs up can study the Freedom Programme online, for free here:

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/enrol/index.php?id=8

wow, ohso...they sound useless

Thanks for the link, I have just registered, am waiting on confirmation email and then I will see about that free online thing. Thank you x

Hopefully it's just my branch! They do such important work and others have spoken highly of their experience.

Cool, glad you signed up. Just completed part 1 of the course, it's really good and I think just as useful doing it online. I've taken to reading important things out loud as I work on them on my laptop - helps it sink in and helps me to concentrate.

And also just had difficult email exchange with ex re: starting to organise how we split DDs birthday, and I feel so heartbroken that it's like this, and she has to have two parties... but I was the bigger person, I found a solution and he agreed, and it didn't turn into a heated discussion.

He also said he wanted to know how he could fix things, and help this situation, and let's talk - I said I can't do that and I'm not sure how we ever could, but I mentioned what help I am seeking because I have promised I'm not going to hide, or be ashamed of what help I ask for. And that I will continue to work hard to stay civil. Switching him off now and trying to work.

Hi everyone I'm new to this thread. I am looking for a little advice and guidance. I feel like I live with EA. My partner can be very controlling and has a power over me. We did split over a year ago and I wish I was strong enough to have kept it like that! He made me feel sorry for him. I am a sensitive person and always find it hard to be tough as I feel sorry for ppl that's just me. He started treating me really nice with respect, we had very few arguments and I really enjoyed the relationship again. It took me a while to start a relationship back with him but I did. Then he convinced me that he loved me so much and wanted to have more kids we already have one. I have always wanted to have a stable family as I didn't experience this growing up. We tried for more kids and I'm currently pregnant. As soon as I feel pregnant the switch turned!! He wAs back to the person he was before we split! I now feel he didn't really want more kids it was his way of controlling sex. He barley even sits in the same room as me. If I'm in living room he is in the bedroom and vice versa. There's no fun or laughs he barley talks to me. I have been suffering bad hyperemesis during my pregnancy so we haven't had sex so a feel like he is punishing me for that. my other child and him disagree a lot and he is arguing with him most of the time I feel like he acts like another child and I'm stuck in the middle of both of them. It's a hard situation I realise I should leave him but every time I think I should it's like he knows and starts being nice again. I just wish he was always nice to me. All I want is a nice happy relationship. Any advice is appreciated x

Hello Newlife,

Oh, love, I could cry for you I really could.

What you are going through, I have been through too. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Being treated with such contempt and disrespect when you are carrying his child is unthinkable and utterly horrendous. He is totally out of order. He is an abuser. But I think you already know that. He used your getting pregnant to further control you and abuse you.

As gently as I can, I need to tell you that he will never change (he didn't after you gave him another chance, so has proved his worth there) and you must think about an exit strategy, if you can.

It makes me incredibly sad to read your post; but also very, very angry. How dare he treat you and your DS like this? A nice person / partner would be supportive, and caring, and would listen to you with a sympathetic ear when you complain. You are supposed to be a team. You are in pain and pregnant and he is punishing you because you don't want sex? Your description of him makes my skin crawl.

It is horrendous and I extend virtual love and support to you.

Do you think you are in the right place (mentally) for you to think about leaving him? Not only for you but for your poor DS and unborn child. He is arguing with a child? And ignoring you while you are in pain and pregnant?

What is your situation financially? Do you have close friends or family?

You sound like a nice person and he is taking advantage of that. Imagine your life without him. Yes, it would be hard, but its already hard, isn't it? Without him in your living space, you wouldn't be walking around on eggshells, your DS wouldn't have to deal with arguments with him (how old is your DS?), you wouldn't feel pressurised into sex, you wouldn't feel like there was another child to look after.

When you say he starts being nice again (when you threaten to leave him) - thats a thing you know. Its part of an abusers script. Its linked upthread, but I will link it again. Its called hoovering. DO NOT BE SUCKED BACK IN. He has shown time and again that he doesn't stay nice for long. He is not capable.

Also I would really, really urge you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You will instantly recognise your partner in there. He is a classic abuser. I read it while we were still together (but I was planning to leave) - obviously I didn't want him to know I was reading it so I downloaded it to my phone. I wonder if you can do that too? I found a book app on there, which I didn't know I had. Its not through Amazon or anything. Have a look through all your apps and see if you can find it...then download the book. It will help you, I promise you that.

Also, keep posting. We are here to listen, and support, and not judge. Each one of us knows what you are going through, and how hard it is to even contemplate leaving. Even if you decide you can't leave right now, please keep with us, and we can just be here to chat if you need us.

I had been reading mumsnet for while, feeling an uncomfortable, niggling feeling that there was something wrong with me that I didn't seem happy in my relationship. Eventually I accepted my relationship of seven years not working and confronted it.. I Have written about childhood sexual abuse on another thread, and have been doing a lot of growing the last few years. An upshot of this growing however, was that I was used to being the "mad" "flawed" one and my ex being a beacon of sense and oh-so-certain of things.

Only after I had healed a lot and became stronger, I began to realise that any time I expressed my needs or unhappiness about anything I was "mad" and it's "all in my head", rather than having an honest conversation, designed to make me put up and shut up. Whereas, if ex was ever unhappy about anything he "didn't want to say anything so as not to be difficult" but would nevertheless punish me for up to several months, before reluctantly admitting what had pissed him off in the first place (usually very minor, such as a certain look I gave him once when he came home) as he was too "naice" to say anything at the time. Good way of dealing with things, huh

Ex is very passive aggressive. Some examples -

• Agreeing to attend events but sabotaging by being late, i.e. taking 20 minutes to decide what shoes to wear at the last minute, or coming home from work late and not answering his phone or answering his phone from the pub "forgetting" it was that night we had planned to do something, or agreeing to go to his second-cousins cat's funeral over something we had planned for ages cos I don't mind, do I?;

• "Forgetting" and delaying things he agreed to do but didn't want to do for so long I'd end up doing it myself;

• Blaming me for his issues - if he overslept for work it's my fault "you said it's "ten past one", so I just heard "ten" & thought it was earlier, next time say "one ten";

• Nit picking - "that was a lovely meal but you put the ketchup bottle the wrong way up so I nearly spilt some on myself when I opened it".

This along with gas-lighting led to me appearing to be the screaming banshee and him to be the easy-going happy-go-lucky guy who has to put up with me going on at him.

However, recently he has become to disassemble, and has had aggressive outbursts at strangers, co-workers, suppliers, friends and was beginning to get increasingly nasty with me. So, that gave me the spur to end it.

And while it's difficult and sad it is liberating and the headspace gained had been incredible. We had a chat last week and I said to him "maybe you're not as sorted as you think you are, and maybe I'm not so un-together as you think I am, and despite the fact you are always so easy-going and don't need anything, I think you'll find you need me more than I needed you." He actually agreed, and it was just such a relief not to have to take on his issues anymore.

While it's been tough, I'm enjoying being kind to myself, feeling my feelings, tootling along and not have to worry about what he'll think/say or look after/sort him out, and as I said to a friend "going out with myself for a bit".

And just to say also, the relationships board although I've just lurked for ages, has been a great online counsellor and spur for me to recognise EA for what it was within my own life, Thanks!

Thegreysheep - I recognise so much of that behaviour from my ex!

Delaying things to the last possible minute was a favourite habit of his, disappearing in the loo when I was ready to leave, saying 'I'll follow you later', only making trains with seconds to spare - argh!

The worst was when it involved my own family - he'd delay confirming whether he was going to attend a family event, and then decide at the last minute not to come. Then I'd have to 'explain' why he wasn't there, when there was no excuse, just that he didn't want to be there. God how I hated him for that .

oh god yes, the delaying thing.

Deciding to get a shower as we were walking out the door (baby in pram / bags packed, the lot) to catch a flight.

Ended up having to bring baby, and bags, to the airport on my own. I hated him with a passion and cried through the whole flight. GRRRR

And yes, delaying confirmation to attending family events, and then me having to explain why he wasn't there. GRRRR

And yes, blaming me when he got up late for work, even though I would be shouting at him to get up at regular interval, he would have a hundred alarms, and I bought him a SAD light alarm clock. It was still MY responsibility to wake him up, apparently GRRRR

This along with gas-lighting led to me appearing to be the screaming banshee and him to be the easy-going happy-go-lucky guy who has to put up with me going on at him. YES YES YES YES

Love the "going out with myself" sentiment

Thanks notmadafterall and marshmallowpies, glad it resonated with you! It's amazing how many similarities there are. Its so liberating not having to make excuses to family and friends anymore as to why ex is not there, and in future if I find myself constantly having to make excuses for a partner I hope I recognise the problem sooner and detach!

I think the biggest passive moment for me was when I asked ex what he wanted to do, finish or try to work things out and he said "you choose"

So, I was glad to no longer be the one who did all the choosing, picking, planning, encouraging, worrying, cheer-leading and to say good-bye. Hence how much extra head space I have now!

The head space is immense isn't it?

Sure is notmadafterall, not going to be giving it up again in a hurry