Anyone want to talk about emotional abuse?

[notmadafterall]

Hello MNers

Have NC as I want to start fresh, and not have to go through the particulars of what happened to me again. I have had a few threads on here and received wondrous support from the lovely people of Mumsnet (both sexes), who stayed with me during my break up from an EA man.

I am just trying to get my head around it all and was hoping to start a discussion on this awful phenomenon. Perhaps it could be a help to someone out there who is going through it at the moment, or trying to get over it, as I am.

I read the Lundy Bancroft book, which really, really helped. An amazing book which should be on the National Curriculum.

I have read so many threads on here relating to emotional abuse. Its all still fairly new to me and its difficult to understand how it seems to be so rife. Its horrendous.

I was convinced I was crazy for so many years, and now that I have an understanding of what he was doing, I feel such relief. Not mad after all!

So, if anyone wants to share their experiences, or has anything to say about EA, please do.

I personally am particularly interested in how to deal with an EA ex, who is being difficult (we have a small child together).

However I am interested to hear anything about the subject, as I am trying to understand it better. The more I talk about it or read about it, the less crazy I feel. This includes partners - men or women, and families, friends, parents etc.

I hope people respond to this thread as I think its such an important thing to understand and get out there. I had no idea it was a "thing" up until a few months ago. Now that I know about it, the last 10+ years make more sense.

I look forward to any replies

10 years too late though. Take the apology but don't let it sway you.

I'm sorry you've had to cry in the toilets. I've been there. I was having panic attacks in the toilets on a job last week. It sucks. Lean on your friends, your mum, anyone who will be there for you. Ask for love.

None of this is your fault.

I think there's a phrase used in these circumstances where they try to reel you back in again.

I can't remember what the phrase is, but I'd be suspicious that that's what he's doing.

Thanks Ohso

I won't let it sway me, my mind has been made and there is no way I am going back there. But it just really upset me. Yes, 10 years too late, why couldn't he have done this before, why, why, why why. Useless questions, but I am feeling heartbroken all over again. After I promised myself last time would be the last time.

Henrietta - I think its "hoovering"?

hoovering

hoovering

I know what he is probably doing is hoovering, but I just so badly want to believe that he means it. That he sees the way he treated me was wrong, and that he is truly sorry. I so BADLY want to believe it.

Yes! sorry I just remembered.

Words are cheap. What is he now going to DO?

He is still a daddy. Is he going to DO something to make amends to her, to you, to break the chain, regardless of whether you end up back together?

That is the thing isn't it? Putting the work in, to really understand what it is and why.

I was told by Women's Aid helpline (and I ring them sometimes, when I need a chat) that an EA ex will use any hook possible to keep you attached to them.

Children, a jointly owned home, money.

In this case, an apology that he knows you wanted for so, so long. I have to say I've never even had that and maybe there is hope for him sorting his head out if he could actually list what he did, and sound sincere - BUT a good person would not have done that to their partner for 10 years, then only list and acknowledge it after the fact.

Why couldn't he do it before? Because he had you there, in the home. Now you are gone, and it's a hook. Yes, at least he said it, but think carefully before you get drawn into a discussion about what he's said.

It bloody hurts, I know. My ex is having a very sudden baby with his new partner and they live in my former home. I had no closure over EA that worsened when my daughter was a newborn, I had PND and he blocked me from getting help and treatment. I have no idea if he's being nice to her. If he is, why wasn't he nice to me? On the other hand, of course I don't wish it on her. It is hugely painful to think about.

I've just read this thread and spent the whole time crying.

OP - I am sorry for what you are going through, especially his current attempt at manipulating you.

My exh was emotional abusive but he still insists it was me, I was the horrible one.

He is a professional victim, nothing is ever his fault, all his exes are crazy when all through the relationships he was the level headed one.

From the day we moved in together he would accuse me of cheating on him even though in reality he was the one carrying on with many women, some emotional affairs and some physical. Whenever we fought he would threaten suicide and sometimes drive off and not be in touch for hours to scare me. After fights he would also say things about me telling my family and friends about the fight and how they would all turn against him and hate him, I ended up not telling anyone anything for years.

It's been 5 months since we physically split and I should have the decree absolute by the end of April.

My problem now is the on going contact to do child handover. We have two DC who are very young and I need to see him twice a week, once to hand them over and once to collect them. I've made sure there is no more electronic contact (social media - except when he stalks me here, mobiles, e-mail) but I am physically sick every time I have to see him.

I don't know how to deal with this on going contact, it is detrimental to my physical and mental health. I have no family close by to help and very few friends, none close enough to help. I am waiting for therapy through Woman's Aid.

I've done what I can to protect myself, since he turned violent at the very end of the relationship as things spun out of his control. We have handover in public, I will never go to his place again, there is a note on my phone line if I call 999 that there is risk of domestic abuse, but what else can I do? He has the right to see the children.

I know he is going to read this and I will need to name change again.

ohsotired45 me too! Me exH didn't support me during PND and even denied I had it (still doess, even though I am still in treatment with my GP a year later).

His new partner is now pregnant and I wonder what will happen there. He wasn't supportive of me or his former partner when she had PND and I can't wish that behaviour on this new relationship. It really bothers me.

FAB were the police called for any of the violent episodes before you left?

If there is risk of physical violence, can you not set up visitation times at a centre instead? Maybe someone else can explain more if they have gone through this. Do you still have a solicitor? Have you asked Gingerbread or Women's Aid Helpline for some advice?

I use nursery as our handover, mainly, except in exceptional circumstances or bank holidays. I don't want to see him, it causes me a lot of anxiety. I'm not sure in your case whether he is a risk to the kids - but if not, could you use a space like nursery to help manage this? The relief at not having to see my ex is huge.

You shouldn't be doing all the running, the pick ups and drop offs should be shared.

It's not easy to make friends when you're having a hard time, but do you attend any local playgroups, nursery activities, get invited to birthday parties by kids in the same group etc - ? Even one local friend would help so much.

I'm so sorry you have DV to add to the EA. I was told by Women's Aid that it's common for DV to appear at the end when leaving. Take care

Friends - do you have a contact centre you can use? I am not sure about how it works, but doesn't it mean you can do handover without seeing him, and its in a safe, secure environment? I keep having to name change too, as he stalked my threads on here before, and used it to further abuse me.

He has apologised and finally admitted that his behaviour has damaged me. I feel so mixed up about this (and upset that he is STILL able to get in my head - I thought I was doing so well). In some ways I am relieved. In others, I am thinking its part of his game plan, that he is desperate. I mean, yesterday he was calling me names, and now this? But I desperately want it to be genuine. I have this irrational yearning for him to realise what he has done to me, and be sorry for it. FWIW, I do think its genuine (well, I am 80/20) but the 20% says he is playing mind games. I have been so hurt by him that I can't think straight where he is concerned. All I know for 100% is that I will never get back together with him.

What exactly should he be doing to make amends though? I really do not see how he could make the situation better? Sorry I am so muddled up again after that email (which I am not replying to / and I have turned off the notifications on my phone so I don't suddenly see it while I'm at work FFS). If someone could outline to me what he could do, please let me know. Its a serious question, as I have no idea!!

FriendsAreBetter so sorry you had the same thing happen as me.

I have nothing to do with them, I've never even met her. I don't know whether to feel angry at him or sorry for her. Mostly I just tell myself that it isn't my business and try to put it from my mind. Even if I could "warn" her, she probably wouldn't listen and I'd be made out to be the crazy ex again. I'm sure he's painted a right picture!

Ah yes. The whole "crazy ex" thing. Whenever I hear someone saying it now, it turns my stomach.

He can make the situation better by now giving you space and letting you heal in your own time and in whatever way works for you. There really isn't any need to be in constant contact apart from the practicalities. You can't get over something if that person is constantly in your life.

No one would go to Relate with an abusive person, would they? He's apologised, reasons/motives unclear - that's more than a lot of ex EA partners would do, but I really wouldn't get involved. He could start playing all sorts of games just like before.

Every single discussion I had with my ex, where I let my guard down a bit and tried to talk about actual feelings turned ugly and I wasted an enormous amount of time and energy on it for a few months.

Women's Aid told me I had to stop looking towards him for closure that would never come. I was so angry at that. It took a long time to accept and I still haven't, fully. I felt indignant and that I deserved so much for the damage he'd caused.

Stay strong op

He could do a perpetrators programme and get therapy. BUT, and it's a massive but, he needs to come up with this himself. If he REALLY thinks he has done wrong, HE needs to come up with the ideas to put it right.

What are the chances?

Yes, I need to just leave him to it, not suggest anything anymore. I am tired of thinking for him, how and where he can see his child, what he should be doing to make things better, running around after him. Its up to him now.

I wouldn't go to councelling with him, ever. He did suggest it straight after we broke up, I just laughed in his face.

But I will defo ask him for some space (again). Lets hope he manages to do it this time.

ohso- yes, every time I get into a discussion with him, let my guard down, it ends the same way. Its exhausting.

"The hardest thing is that even people who love you don't necessarily understand how damaging this stuff is, even when you explain to them that every day is like a game of chess - you have to try to be 3 steps ahead of him because accepting what appears to be a nice gesture comes back to haunt you later, so you have to weigh up the potential benefits and pitfalls to every single situation, it's exhausting."

Just wanted to echo this and express support for anyone going through this at the moment. I am finally admitting to myself that my husband of 7 years is EA and I can't live like this the rest of my life. Due to circumstances we have to stay together at the moment but I'm hoping to be able to split within a few years time when I won't be at such a risk of him trying to shut me out of contact with our child. I hate that he has made me into the duplicitous person I wouldn't normally be but I know he won't fight fair.

I've just come out of a relationship with a passive Agressive and have only just realized how bad her behavior towards me was, i have spent five years thinking i was going mad as all the problems for the relationship where put down to my angry reactions to snide remarks (the ones where your not quite sure if you've been insulted or not) gas lighting and being ignored when trying to talk about issues in the relationship, sometimes she would agree to something but in that classic passive aggressive behavior would never follow through.

Nothing was ever good enough and i bent over backwards to try and make her happy.

I totally hold my hands up to my behavior and part in things and am glad to be aware of these so i can work on bettering myself for the future.

I feel i wasted alot of therapy by thinking everything was all my fault and missing the opportunity to get help to see things clearer.

Now i'm out of the situation I'm trying to make sense of everything on my own.

I too don't believe they know what they are doing. I too was accused among many other things to be the abuser and even believe it until one day in tesco the lady at the till told him off and teased him for his way to patronise and stress me out while I put the shopping in the bag...I remember I looked at my shaking hands and the face of the lady...she actually saved my life that day because she opened my eyes. but no, I will never get an apology, and even if I got it it always comes at a very high price. every time he seems to want to help or to acknowledge his previous mistakes, than he has a huge sense of entitlement. in his defense, he was abused and neglected as child, but this means also that he does not see anything strange with his behavior. however, now he knows I will never want him back, so at least he is trying to have a civil relationship with me, but he has no idea of what that means. he still thinks i would benefit from his harsh comments and questioning me as a mum. I still get hurt.
the biggest issue is that my son is now the only person he cares about, he spoils him and leaves all the bad cop stuff to do to me. he is in open competition for his love, which is so very sad. but he has got no clue about it. he still thinks he is and has right to do so. I know I will have to deal with heartbreaks and lots of stress for a long time. some people told me i should deny the access or restrict it to safe centres, but I can't face the confrontation just yet, I still hope I can manage it. in fact I feel very strong now and I am not scared of trying, but i know that if I make any other change I will pay so much for it. after all, I have battled for years and I finally got my freedom back, I can't manage anything else at the moment.

I did a lot for my ex when we were together, & I still do a lot now when it comes to DD. Nursery, reception place, GP, social life...all down to me. He's gotten a bit better but he's still pretty crap at being organised. I have to send him a list of what to send back with her that belongs here, sometimes dirty. Whereas I just know what to return (washed & dried!)

However, I have left him to it otherwise. I hope you can too OP, it's more mental energy being sapped away.

He asked me to go to Relate & I said no, too. He triumphantly told me later that one of his (few) mates had told him I was horrible & not committed for not considering it. Oh I see. I think he had left out the bit about 10 years of EA though.

boxcutter that sounds really awful, I'm sorry. Have you had proper legal advice on whether he could realistically do anything re: your child? People can make threats but it is very hard to actually go through the courts & get something like sole custody. Wishing you lots of luck.

It is hoovering, OP, please don't fall for it. All it really shows you is that he's known all along how badly he was treating you. You don't think he's had some kind of epiphany in the last 24 hours, which somehow eluded him for the previous 10 years, do you?

I feckin fell for it. Finally got the bastard out before Christmas. Resisted his entreaties for a month but gave in after receiving a letter with all the things he'd do if I just took him back. All the things he knew would mean so much to me.

I took him back, he didn't do one thing, just carried on as before.
He's gone again now, this time for good. What I learnt from this is that he knew exactly what he needed to do to save our marriage (nothing outrageous, ordinary stuff, really), but he couldn't be bothered to do it.

An abuser's an abuser, they rarely change. Just alter their tactics occasionally.