HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Was singing, or rather screaming this while having a major clean and cry this evening:

Why do I need him to validate me - I have been thinking about it all. I need him to say well done for all the things I have done in between all my cock ups. Is mad.

I think I need a paintbrush :)

he was abusive from day one, but stupid little me thought this was passion
This comment is very telling, once my love, read it through again, you are well rid of this abusive arsehole, you should rejoice not mourn the twat.

www.youtube.com/watch?t=81&v=x4f3c8wC8Qs

cant do the fancy stuff yet

Oh Blimey did I do that? A picture!!!!! Am a bit over excited now. Nothing to do with a glass of wine and drugs on an empty tummy - nope.

Nearly, Fuckit 'tis a song not a piccie - but go you! You're a bona fide member of Hobbit's bar now!

I'm am wining tonight!

And I like that song - very soothing.

Evening all. Sorry that green and family having a bad day. Before OHs Xmas bombshell I had no idea really that 'normal' family men could be so outrageously cruel. I'm well aware that divorce happens,by looking around my classroom as much as anything, but until recently I hadn't spent much time dwelling on it. Sounds crass but it was what happened to other people - not to people like me after 20+ years of marriage to a decent, hardworking man who loves his DCs and appeared to love his wife. Were we all blind?? Have they fundamentally changed? Can MLC explain this?

I've suggested to mine that he sees a doctor. He is turning into someone else. A weird day today too. At last minute he asks DCs if they'd like it if he joined us on outing. I scowl inwardly, they're keen and so instead of gardening as he said he would, he joined us - happy as Larry!! He was literally his 'old' self. When we had a moment out of ear shot he actually told me that he'd look after me for ever! I've also recently been 'a money grabbing cow'. How does that work?? Does he think I'm a puppy that needs looking after???? I'm his wife!! He knows that the thought of needing to be looked after by him is anathema to me. That's not what we're about. We are/were a partnership. I don't want looking after, I want my husband, my marriage and my life back. If I can't have that, I simply want what's rightfully mine.

He cooked dinner when we got home - more happy families around the dinner table - he's now watching a film with kids. I could slap him. Came upstairs and left him to it.

Tomorrow he's going to tell his parents that 'things aren't good' at the moment between us - understatement of the bloody year- as my not wanting to engage with them is 'embarrassing' for him. I love his parents - can't he see that his little bomb shell has changed everything. It's altered who I am, my very psyche. How can I merrily chat to his mother, whilst cooking dinner and all the time the elephant just sits in the room.

Sorry, been ranting. Tomorrow is another day and luckily for me a twunt1 free day as he's leaving early and not back til Sunday.

I'm not in the best of moods at the moment. Definitely taken a step back re anger. It will pass.

Meantime, this song was written by Kelly Clarkson when she was 16 and trying to cope with the emotional distress caused by her parents' divorce. I didn't know that until maybe a few months ago. It broke me to listen to it. My sons deserved a lot better. My youngest, family was always the most important thing to him. On any occasion, holiday, Xmas, etc, when asked what was the best thing about it, he always used to say "being together as a family". My happy little boy. I will never forget the first time that twunt left and his world crashed.

And now, he has no respect for his father. But still he is suffering because his dad has hardly seen him. We can't mention him at the moment, because it just reminds him of how little he sees him.

How could he do that to his own son? How could he not text him for three weeks because he had been taken to task for not helping me? Fucking coward.

A friend of mine who got divorced many years ago said it would have been better if her ex had died instead of leaving. At least they would have something to mourn over. I totally agree

I hope he and her rot in hell for what they have done to my youngest.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTjLxXFg0k

fuckit It's good to know that - if things come to a head. You're probably right. They're not daft. It's so bizarre in our family that their dad would head off for visit with grandparents without us all going. We've said that as neither in best of health, which is true, it's too much for them to have us all over. DCs not stupid though. DD has asked that just the two of us go for a walk tomorrow and so I'm wondering whether she wants me on her own for a reason. We've both tried hard to be 'normal' and are even still in same bed to avoid suspicions - very hard though.

It's going to be so difficult to keep up this facade, 1 my love, a friend of mine tried to do the same thing and it nearly caused him to have a breakdown, so severe was the stress of keeping up appearances, please look after your health and emotional wellbeing, I only managed a week between him saying he was leaving and him actually going, the strain was horrific.

Oh Izzie, that song's so sad. How could their fathers do this to their children? I know I'm putting off the inevitable. I think I'd do it for ever to protect them from thinking they/we/ I weren't good enough to keep him here.

In my very darkest moments - and I know it's terrible- I've thought it would be easier to explain to kids that he'd just died rather than just wanted to leave. I know that's shocking and heaven forbid it ever happened but I understand the sentiment.

These times of the year are always going to be hard for us all aren't they? Because traditionally, they are family times, time for families to get together, and we all have memories of years gone by when we weren't in this shit situation we are now experiencing. We need to recognise that, and not beat ourselves up because we have hit a dip , who wouldn't ?

Easter schmeaster! I'm going to eat my own body weight in chocolate and drink a vat of wine or two with my sons, (not DS2 he's teetotal, dosent like the taste) fuckface and bitchface will probably be riding up a mountain in Lycra in the rain somewhere, I know where I'd rather be!

*1 HE wasn't good enough or man enough to stay. It's not you, it's not the children.

Yes, it is hard to see your children damaged by their fathers actions, our first priority is to protect them isn't it? So it's difficult when the damage comes from within so to speak, I'd like to do my ex some major damage with a pick axe handle, but that ain't gonna happen !

Oh Hobbit you crack me up every time. I love you

I'm going to find us a good song. I don't think I can find one about shoving paintbrushes sideways up a twunt's arse, nor one about putting itching powder inside Lycra, so let's see what I can find....

hobbit kind words. Thank you. It is horrible. I can't deny it. My m and d are a huge help though and I've a good friend helping from afar. You ladies too now. Believe me, if it wasn't for DS2, I wouldn't have considered it, despite pain and anguish news would still cause DD and DS1. As Izzie said about her youngest, family is so so important to him - above all else. He is 15 and still happy to be with us on family outing. DS1 would have to have been dragged kicking and screaming at 15. When we drop him back at uni - we're asked to stay in car park!! Funny how they can be so different.....

Here's one for us, ladies.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEwj3Etj2e4

How about this one - The Dickhead song by Miles Betterman

hobbit you've made me smile too.

Oh yes that's been put on WWK's site.

PS you're barred from this thread

One for Green - Sister's Are Doing It For Themselves - Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin

Oh, I luffs that song DJ Izzmeister ! Dancing round the bedroom now singing like Chaka Hobbit! The dog thinks I'm having a fit

Fab songs. Twunt1 just appeared. Wants to know why I'm laughing - so rare these days he's unnerved!

For you Izzie - it's a Busy (L)Izzy!!

Am I forgiven now eg can I come back on this thread even though it's WWK's anyway and you always take the piss out of Sid! so I can take the piss out of you on mine

Is that a peace offering I see Iwas?
Think it'll take more than that to win Izzie round, cold hard cash probably