Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

[greencottage]

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

I'm a childless aunt and I was going to say what aurynne just said: "I also don't have children, but would never, ever expect a mother to put anyone else before their child". Actually, I could have written her post myself (apart from being on the other side of the world from my family).

My nephew's a bit younger than your son, OP, and I love him a great deal. But if for some reason he fell out with me and/or DP while staying with us, I can't imagine any argument so bad that I'd turf him out at a moment's notice. Still less would I do that without even phoning his parents to talk about the situation first!

From your last post, it seems you can try to talk to your sister face to face before the wedding. That seems the best plan.

I wish you all the best.

My last para sounds too 'soft'. She has behaved abominably, hold to that, that is your focus. Keep the door open but within the context of your displeasure. Yes, X always comes first.

Yo MrsC

springydaffs, your last para is fine. It's important for the sister to know that relations are not cut off, that she has a way back. Doesn't mean OP has to go the wedding though. I don't think I would, in view of the treatment of the ds.

Yo Springy, get on my thread, I need your soothing words shameless hijack :-)

Does your DSis have her own funds? If the consensus is that the Fiance is abusive, he could be financially abusive. Hence no money for petrol, no money to get to the UK form Europe when they were there...

Just to add an additional voice to the chorus...

I (and my sister) have chosen my (our) brother over our mother after some truly atrocious behaviour and treatment of him, by her. On the one hand, we're pretty sure she was manipulated into her behaviour by another family member, but we also know that we've been there over the year, myself on a daily basis via hour long phone calls each morning during the week, and yet she still followed the advice/opinion of someone else.

We know he wasn't perfect, but it doesn't make what she did okay, and we believe that by continuing to talk to her makes her think her it is. As it turned out it was the right decision as we found out some bad things had been said about us as well. A large sense of betrayal.

Do you feel like going to the wedding is celebrating her marriage? A marriage you're not sure of? Would you regret not going if down the line things turn out better?

Are you okay going to the wedding of a man who threatened to assault your son? Are you okay with going to the wedding of a woman who abandoned your son in the middle of nowhere? Are you okay going and playing happy families when you're really not? 

You expected her to be there for your son, she wasn't. She has spread lies about your son. She has betrayed you in doing so as well. She has told you that she acknowledges mistakes on her part, then she retracts it and says she owes you no apology.

I would meet with her, and without that man there. I would tell her: "I'm not comfortable attending the wedding. Coming to celebrate your marriage to a man who threatened to assault my son is not something I'm okay with doing. It's not fair to you to have that negativity there. I hope the best for your future"  Or something like that anyway.

Good luck with your choice.

Hmm, so after seeing this man once and hearing of an incident second hand, you've now decided that your sister is being abused and controlled by this man.

It sounds like you and your son weren't hoping DSis would help, you were expecting it. When he was invited turned up, again expecting to stay he was disappointed his expecation to be catered for was not met and for reasons which aren't entirely clear, an argument insued and he was ejected with pots and pans.

The un met expectations, added to your previous dissapointment of not seeing her when she was in Europe, has somehow connected in your mind and you've chosen to blame her man.

The idyllic relationship you've painted of your DSis's relationship with your son doesn't quite ring true, igiven her "You always pick him over me" tantrum.

There's more going on here and this man isolating and controlling your DSis could be an explanation but given the histrionics displayed by your family members, it isn't the only one.

Everyone has acted poorly in this situation and I think drawing battles lines after one incident is very premature. The difficult position you've been placed in is because both your DS and DSis have chosen to prioritise themselves over you.

Go to your sister's wedding if you want to and if you want to clarify you displeasure at her part in this drama,then do so. However, your son emotionally blackmailing you after this incident is not on and I would hope upon reflection, his stance would be more relaxed.

greencottage I am a devoted auntie,.particularly close to two of my beautiful nieces. One of them is in difficult teen years and can on occassion be a right stroppy little madam. But I am the grown up, i am the auntie. For me to treat her in the way you describe your sister treated your aunt, she would basically need to have taken a shit in the hall and smeared it over my new carpets, broken every window in the house and torched the car. Even then, even through anger and disappointment I think my first instinct would be to protect. Dumping him in the middle of nowhere is beyond the pale and inexcusable regardless of circumstance. worryingly, she did this of her own volition. Fiancé was not there. She made that choice herself. I would go nowhere near the wedding unless your sister acknowledges that she was completely out of order and shat all over family bonds built up over decades.

Nice reading of the full thread, there, Isetan

I'm afraid I wouldn't go to a wedding my child had been 'uninvited' from.

As it happens, my son has autism and can be INCREDIBLY hard work (and yet doesn't 'look' disabled, which shouldn't matter, but I appreciate that it's difficult for those who don't understand his condition) and there are many events where he is politely not invited.

And, of course, that often hurts because I know my son is being excluded, but I do understand... but if he was invited and then UNINVITED, I couldn't go and make merry with the hosts.

He is my son. He may not always get things right, he may be direct to the point of rude and he may be wilful to the point of annoyance. He is still my son. He is still my priority.

What Belleende said.

I would definitely not go. Even if your DSis could not face having your DS to stay any extra time in the house, she behaved dreadfully by not calling you and telling you so that you can help sort out the practicalities. Similarly, it is just not on to dump someone on the side of the road with all their stuff in the suburbs or countryside. She could have called you afterwards and asked you for a payment for the car costs. Or she could have asked him for the money before she started driving. Her behaviour has been really, really terrible.

I would not go I'm afraid.

I really don't think I'd go either.

The extra details you've provided, OP, make the behaviour of both your sister and her P seem utterly bizarre and worrying. I just can't get my head around the demanding of money from such a close family member, and then actually dumping him and driving off.

To add context, I have nieces and nephews I'm very close to. A couple of them are coming to our town soon and I was going to meet them for a day out. That's now evolved into putting up them, their friend, and friend's mother for a night. I will expect to pick them up from the station, feed them, provide all hospitality and be pleasant and welcoming. I haven't even met these two extra people yet but I certainly won't be presenting them with a bill at the end.

Tbh I'm baffled by the people on here saying your ds was somehow freeloading. These are family relationships; this is what family is all about, surely?

I'm baffled too. Hang on a minute, this was the other side of the world and to be unceremoniously dumped like that is awful. One of my DC's went to the other side of the world and stayed with a relative for a week whilst travelling. She offered to pay for things here and there but my relative flatly refused and in the end my DC did some babysitting and looking after their young DCs (who adored her), tidying up, cooking the odd meal here and there, and that is what I would expect - win win for both. They then took her miles back to the airport when the time came. That is what loving kind close relatives do. Unless the OP's DS brought drugs and girls into the house or trashed the place, there is absolutely no excuse.

Thanks all, I'm back. I really appreciate all these comments and they have helped me clarify a lot. I've made a decision, and it's not to go to the wedding. I am going to email my sister with my RSVP and explain why calmly and evenhandedly, not getting het up. I am going to ask her to meet up with me as soon as I get to the city in question, and arrange to meet her with DS. I will discuss everything and tell her I still love her in spite of everything, and that I think that she has acted so out of character under pressure from her DP. I will tell her that nonetheless I don't think it is acceptable to sacrifice her nephew and me for the sake of calm waters with her DP, and that I think it would be wrong, not to mention very uncomfortable, to attend the wedding. I will hope that one day in the future we can be sisters again, but I am going to have to face up to the fact that I may lose her for a while. If we can reach some kind of resolution during our talks, then I guess it won't be too late for me to go to the wedding - it's not a sit-down do. As for my mum, she's going to be really upset, but she's going to have to understand that it's not me who's "ruined" this wedding - it's my sister who has ruined her own wedding. Oh dear, I wish none of this was happening :(

Roussette I can definitely guarantee there were no drugs or girls!! He is a very sober young man just starting a highly academic PhD, not some kind of teenage tearaway!

Very true, it's not you who is "ruining" the wedding. Perhaps your mum should be less concerned about you not going to the wedding and more concerned about your sister's sudden change in behaviour. Isn't she worried about all this? I wouldn't be at ease with one of my DD marrying some one in all these circumstances.

OP hasn't decided sis is being abused by fiance. We have. ie posters on OP's thread.

If sis's behaviour is the direct opposite of what has been uniform over decades then something has changed. The only discernible change is she's got together with this man...

It could be the man's influence (the man who threatened to punch ds btw) or it could be sis has got a bit dazzled by her new status, got up herself a bit, and previously dormant behaviour is in full flight.

(I sometimes wonder how I would be if I became rich and famous. I might be horrible - difficult to tell.)

x-post. Good decision OP.

Thanks for that springy - it's true, through all this I have never said she is being abused. Maybe it is a kind of abusive relationship - I think it probably is, and in fact have said that to her (in one of our Skype calls) but she fervently denies it and praises the DP and their happiness to the skies. I do think the poster who made the comment about middle-aged male not liking young male on his territory (sorry I forget who it was) may have a definite point. Whatever, psychologising this situation doesn't solve the problem, and I think I have to just look at the details of what happened and put my son first.

Green I don't doubt your DS for one minute, I was meaning that it would have to be as bad as that for your DSis and her DP to act like they did.

FWIW I think your plan of action sounds spot on.

You sound eminently sensible Greencottage. Sorry you're having to deal with all this. Hope it all gets sorted out .

I think that's the right decision too, though I wonder whether it might be better not to tell her in advance to avoid her going 'well, if you're abandoning me there's no point in us even meeting', and then you won't get the face to face time that might really help here. I also wonder whether not having DS there the whole time when you do meet might help. But others may think differently.

it is usually how it is done, BIWI. I felt if the Aunt truly didn't have any money, she should have told him she is struggling at the moment (feeding, boarding, etc) and he should come visit some other time.

It is not uncommon though, for a women in an abusive situation to deny it to herself. She may be in denial that things are that bad, or wrong at all. She probably only asked for the money on instruction from her partner. And dumped her nephew roadside because she has lost her reason regarding what families do regarding money and assistance.

From what you have said, of family members putting her up in the past in timeS of crises (which i assume involves at least a few relationship asnd/or job implosions) it sounds like she has been a bit of a mess as an adult. Never really financially stable for very long. That, in 6 weeks of a Europe trip she herself couldn't manage a cheap flight to come see you while he hung out at the pool, speaks volumes as to her financial dependency on him and how clouded her view of the world is. He saw her weakness a long way off, and has had more than enough cash to isolate her not only from family, but from anyone at all.

I was going to say I hope she gets plenty in the inevitable divorce, but
I am sure there is a pre-nup agreement. Hard as it would be, I hope her nephew can be man enough to take her in if she comes to her senses before he gets his degree and moves on. At the moment, he would be her main escape route.

OP: you and your son need to talk e: how your family works. Doesnt sound like ultimatums and taking sides are the usual, and he needs reminding. That Aunt is saying such things sounds like she is parroting what her partner has told her. Son needs to be told his adopting that man's control methods won't be accepted by you.