Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

[greencottage]

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

Good point, Tendon. She may well do a flounce if you tell her in an email. May be better f2f (perhaps compose it in an email and hand it to her when you meet?).

Though there will be issues with numbers if you're telling her late in the day...

Yes I agree Tendon and Springy. I don't think numbers will be an issue - it's a ceremony then drinks party/informal buffet type of affair, so an extra person (her sister!) isn't going to be an issue. Is it lily-livered to string it out for another 2 weeks without a response?
Momaagain - I take your points on board. Actually your assessment of her adult life is surprisingly accurate. I think DS knows that this is not how our family works. He really wants to draw a line under things and blames the DP almost (but not quite) entirely.

This may not be popular but

... abusive relationships don't come from nowhere. There is usually a history. In my family we were all in abusive relationships; our parents' relationship is an abusive relationship. It wasn't until I left my abusive marriage (the only one in the family to do so) that the shit hit the fan big time. I realised my family wasn't as great as I had thought. So far, I'm the only one to realise this.

Suffice to say, I am viciously pilloried for breaking the pattern. My entire family are still up to their necks in abusive/dysfunctional relationships. As our descendants probably were, too...

Your mum's wailing, the tenre of it, sounds too much like mum - my mum who is so seriously distorted after over 50 years in an abusive marriage. She functions on a tiny ledge in order to appease my abusive father; she expects us to do the same or she'd have to face what she's been doing all this time ; she'd have to acknowledge the dire impact of her choices; she'd have to face that he is the brute and the villain; she'd have to face she didn't protect us when she was the one with the power to do so.

imo family dysfunction to this extent pops out at some stage, showing itself for what it is. It's a blessing, actually, but looks like a curse - the family en masse don't like it and are hellbent on stuffing it back in again. Admittedly, my mum didn't have the knowledge or resources we do but there is no excuse these days, the info and resources are out there.

I'm wondering what your sister's role has been within the family re a lot of upheaval one way or another? You don't have to answer but do think about it? It is often one member within the group whose life manifests what's really going on.

She may feel she's at last come good so why aren't you behind her, celebrating her success? I thought people had to be jealous - my husband was a sparkling personality, impossibly attractive on many levels. I didn't know then that he chose broken old me, sniffing out my [family] damage from 50 paces.

Long post, sorry. I'm not suggesting you are in an abusive relationship OP, just that she could be and that doesn't come from nowhere.

OP I think you've made the best decision that you can for the moment. You need to meet her and speak to her to try and sort it out,but you can't play happy happy families while you're upset and your son is blocked - she has to understand that. It's not about her wedding being spoiled it's about her whole relationship with her sister being spoiled, which ought to be more important if you've been close. Bear in mind with a wedding being close you may not get sense and logic, more emotional tantrums. Good luck.

I want to know who the celeb is!

I reckon it's Peter Andre.

Agree with honeyroar - maybe just put this on hold until after the wedding as she will be very stressed anyway and may be not at her most reasonable. Maybe just a short note to express regret you can't attend, you wish her well and you will speak to her about what has happened when things have settled down afterwards. It might mean you have more chance to resolve this than if you try to address it during the run up to the wedding.

I thought LuaMayBrown was Springydaffs with a name change till Springy showed up and also added her input to the proceedings.

I disagree with most of you here to be honest. First of all DS is a grown man who decided to more across the world for his studies, had no accommodation arranged and both of you kind of expected your sister to out him up without actually asking and or/confirming. Then when she goes on a holiday with her partner at that time you are disappointed. So you created expectations they failed to deliver on because you and DS didn't actually ASK.

So Dsis accepts him to come and stay with her and her DP, things go wrong, DS asked/made to leave. Without a doubt everyone assumes the DP is to blame and is labeled abusive. There were 3 people in that house so most likely 3 people have a part in this. It's very easy to put the blame with the DP.

If DS had a clash with the DP and the DP doesn't want him at the wedding, which is also HIS by the way, he might have his reasons. But you out of (understandable) private reasons don't want to go into detail what went on exactly.

I really doubt your DS is fully innocent and I don't think he has the right to be disappointed if you would go to your sisters wedding. He is an adult and has to deal with this himself. At the end it's your decision but I disagree with the notion that DS should come first and DP is an abusive man because none of us can tell if that is true.

I think all 3 of them have handled it poorly and nobody has the right to claim your loyalty so to say.

If the OP's son had done something utterly heinous, I'm sure her sister would have told her. But she hasn't.

Agree with honeyroar - maybe just put this on hold until after the wedding as she will be very stressed anyway and may be not at her most reasonable. Maybe just a short note to express regret you can't attend, you wish her well and you will speak to her about what has happened when things have settled down afterwards. It might mean you have more chance to resolve this than if you try to address it during the run up to the wedding.

I completely agree with this view and I would also tell her sooner rather than later so she has s chance to digest the news before the wedding build up begins.

I think the whole situation is very sad.

Equally I don't really agree that supporting DS and attending the wedding need to be mutually exclusive options.

However most posters seem not to agree - so as an alternative I'd hang fire on making a final decision on the wedding until I'd spoken to DSIS and DS in person.

I do agree that DSIS and partner have behaved appallingly, but not attending the wedding is a huge decision wrt the long term implications for the family as a whole.

I'd be thinking about what would make me feel comfortable attending, an apology from DSIS and/or partner? DS's invite being reinstated?

I'd then say this face to face with DSIS and then leave the choice up to her - saying you wish her well but can't possibly attend without x actions on her part as it's just not possible for you to hide the disappointment you hold for her on her "big day" and you don't want to ruin it.

It's then up to her to think about how she behaved and decide to make amends to you and DS or not have you there.

Oh OP, your sister sounds ALOT like me. my stbxh put me in some horrible positions with my family (he forced me to ask my parents to put how much they were paying towards the wedding in writing made family occasions really awkward by sulking or causing arguments beforehand and wouldn't allow me to look after my nephews as I should be charging for it! It even got to the point that uf any of my family said they liked x food our dc's were banned from eating it.

It sounds to me like she is under an enormous amount of pressure. Your Ds is best placed to see the 'truth' because he has spent more time and he sounds like he gas the measure of tHeir relationship.

Dsis has emailed OP so I'm sure she knows what happened. OP also said DS is not the easiest, has his opinions etc. So I still don't think all the blame should be laid with one person, the other completely innocent and another as being in an abusive relationship.

And again, neither side has the right to make OP choose sides.

My nephews/nieces would have to have done something truly awful for me to kick them out of my home. I'm trying to think of something that would qualify. Shooting up in front of the DC (actually doing any drugs in front of the DC). Watching porn in front of the DC. Abusing my DC.

Actually I can't really think of anything that they could do that doesn't involve violence or theft or child abuse. I'm assuming the DS hasn't done any of those things.

I wouldn't go to the wedding. Although would be worried about the man she's marrying. It's not normal behaviour to throw a family member out on the street without good reason

I think you've made a very calm and balanced decision. And I would leave contacting her for as long as possible.

As said by another poster, any of my nieces or nephews would have had to wreck the whole house/sell the dog for sausages before I even began to think of acting like DSis did.

No doubt she had her "reasons". But that doesn't necessarily make her actions right. And then to expect OP to "take sides" was very petty and self-centred. DSis is putting a heck of a lot of pressure on OP, and added with the really nasty withdrawal of the invite to DS, I do wonder about her motives. Has she shown this degree of self-centeredness before?

Thanks again for your comments.
Fox - there are quite a few errors in your reading of this. DS didn't move across the world without arranging accommodation first. When DSis said she was going away, he organised to stay with a friend of a friend. This all went fine. The reason he went to stay with DSis for the last 5 days before his new flat lease started was so he could visit his aunt! It wasn't so he could scrounge accommodation. As I've mentioned many times, they have hitherto had a close relationship, so it was kind of normal that he would want to visit her. Everything else I've described stems from this.

Just read the whole thread. This does sound like a tricky situation, I feel for you OP. Putting the wedding issue aside for a moment, I think you still need to tell your sister that 1. her treatment of your son was unacceptable 2. you have concerns about her fiancé and 3. you love her and will support her but you can't do this if she asks you to put her before your son. It would probably be best to do this face-to-face, just the two of you.
The wedding raises the stakes obviously. She has treated your son even more badly by disinviting him. It also sounds like she is making a mistake in marrying this man (who is controlling and isolating her from her family). But I don't know if you are going to "resolve" things before the wedding. If you could have a face-to-face discussion beforehand, and she admitted she was wrong, apologised to your son, explained this to everyone she contacted before to complain about him, and re invited him to the wedding, maybe you could consider attending. But sadly I think she's unlikely to do all that, in which case you shouldn't go to the wedding. You could go to support her, even if you don't condone the relationship, but she hasn't earned your support with her behaviour to your son.
For me the question is when you tell her you're not going to the wedding. If I were you, I'd want to wait until I could have a face-to-face conversation, and tell her then. If she wants to know before that maybe you could say you haven't decided yet because of the unresolved argument, and you want to discuss it with her when you see her.
Anyway that's just my two cents. I'm sure you will do the right thing. Good luck

I think you are right you can not go to her wedding without clearing the air with her and your DS.

If/when your mum gets upset about you not going to your sister wedding explain calmly that you are not prepared for anyone to treat your son in this manor and be allowed to get away with it.

If you do meet your sister before your wedding what do you want to achieve from other then a apology from your Dsis and her partner towards both your DS and your self.

Cottage, no one should feel bad for wanting to visit. I still feel if she truly wasn't up for hospitality (if that's the right term for it) and guests , she should have made it clear to him.

Son, without a doubt.

I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of this man, who insulted me or my son in such a way, regardless of it being also the wedding of my sister (who was complicit with the insults, albeit possibly perforce).

If he IS abusive, I couldn't watch her marry him.
If he's NOT abusive I still wouldn't be beholden to him by being a guest.

Tough on your sister, but no way would I damage the relationship with my son over this.

Sorry you're in this situation, OP. Best of luck!

I do think that five days was possibly optimistically long for a visit, especially when there was a new DP on the scene. But, the benefit of hindsight and all that...

But he didn't get to stay 5 days. He was thrown out on the 2nd one.