Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

[greencottage]

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

Yes, as explained above, she did try and provide things for the new place. The reason he ended up dumped on the road is that she was driving him to the station then started demanding money for the journey. DS, who was already very upset by what was going on, said basically WTF??? At which point she left him by the side of the road. I think this reaction was understandable - family have stayed with us dozens and dozens of times, and needless to say, I don't put the taxi meter on when I drive them back to Heathrow.

was it really necessary for your sister to gossip about your son to the whole family? I would upset about that as well on top of everything else. I wouldn't blame you if you decide not to go. In the end, it is your choice.

I think a different picture is coming through. Do you actually want to stay in touch with your sister? She doesn't sound a very nice person.

Your sister sounds as unpleasant as her fiancé. And I feel quite sorry for your son :( please don't make the same mistake my mum did.

Completely agree with the decision to stick with your son on this one. I'd want to know 'who started it' too so I could decide if he was completely blameless. But it wouldn't change the decision ultimately.

She threw him out in a foreign country, knowing he had nowhere to go then proceeded to spread filth around the family about him. And her partner told you that you're lucky he wasn't violent towards him? Nothing justifies that short of your son threatening violence. So I definitely wouldn't go to the wedding unless your son receives an apology from both of them.

My family are fairly close but DB lives a while away. Many years ago, I stayed with him for a few days and his DW was horrible enough to me that I got my car keys to go find somewhere else to stay. Knowing I was unlikely to find anywhere at that time (was about 2am) he locked all the doors because no matter how disgusting the argument got, I was safe. And that wasn't even a foreign country, just a city I don't know well.

If your DSis and her DP apologise, there may be an opportunity for your DS to apologise if he had any part in starting the argument. But after their actions, I'd say you and your DS need to make it clear you can't go to the wedding and that the situation won't disappear without a heartfelt apology.

I'd back my son. Any day of the week and then some.

I'd tell her to shove her wedding up her arse. To be honest, and based upon what you've told us, I'd be hard pressed to ever speak to my sister again after something like this.

Sorry, this is getting odder, not clearer! So it was your sister who dumped him by the side of the road, not the partner?

Why didn't he offer to pay for petrol? Why did he not get a taxi to the station and then go into town that way rather than a taxi the whole way.

It's all very weird, it sounds heated, irrational, and now a mess.

I think you should sit face to face with your sister when you go over there and go from there.

slithy And in that case, I agree with you. your mum should have supported you. But it wasn't a case of one issue but a long list of things that clearly were there to upset you/paint you in a bad light.

That's why it's so important for the op to evaluate how bad her sister actions were. It might be a 'blip', it might be that the DP is controlling, it might be that she needs to step up to support her ds. Or to step up to support her sister or both of them....
But wo knowing exactely who said what, what was in the email etc, it's just impossible to say.

Yep. It's easy to blame the DP but your sister does sound vile.
Far from being cowed and just going along with the DPs unpleasantness it sounds as if she's joining in with relish.

I agree with Fontanella. I know it's easy to say but I honestly, really wouldn't want anything to do with her and her DP again. Revolting people the both of them.

Thanks to Matilda and Slithy for your posts. Slithy - how awful. Alas, many parallels, it seems. Matilda - your reading of it (about the nature of the argument etc) is exactly how I imagine it. DS is very much about arguing his case and can be dogged and lacking in tact. I acknowledge this.

Yes, Vivacia, I do really want to salvage things with her. I've always been close to my sister. This whole business is completely out of character. I just blind-sided by the whole catastrophe.

Sorry, this is going by so fast I can't keep up with commenting.

Yes, the whole driving to the station then dumping him thing is weird. Why didn't he offer to pay for petrol? Who knows? Who cares? She's stayed with us for months at a time in times of crisis or temporary homelessness and never been asked for a penny. So maybe he just didn't think that kind of financial transaction is the way we do things as family. Which it isn't. Maybe he was somewhat shocked by what was going on and the speed it happened and just didn't think to offer in the circumstances.

JustJanice, I recognise it's the easiest route to blame the DP. Maybe that's why I'm leaning that way, because it gives me a hope of saving things with DSis. But on the other hand, maybe she has been brow-beaten into having to act in certain ways to earn DP's approval and has pathetically gone along with it.

Oh, and Napoleon, that was just the taxi fare to the station. He didn't take a cab all the way. As I've said before he is a pretty clear thinking and sensible person.

undecided

Yes I had more occurrences. But I think my mum should have stepped in on that very first one and hang the consequences, it would have saved a lot of damage to a lot of people. As it was, she made it clear that I wasn't her priority.

As op said, there are many parallels and my situation illustrates how far it can go. I think if my mum had stood up to my aunt that very first time, she wouldn't have continued in her actions.

But why would an aunt ask her nephew for money? It just doesn't work like that, does it? As the 'older' generation, you're someone who is there to give support, and if that means cash, then you do it.

it is usually how it is done, BIWI. I felt if the Aunt truly didn't have any money, she should have told him she is struggling at the moment (feeding, boarding, etc) and he should come visit some other time.

Ok the more you are outlining the more resolute I'm becoming in my original stance which was you should not go to the wedding. I come from a very close family, I know that I am lucky in that regard but I am really appalled that your sister would treat her nephew in that way.

I agree with BIWI, and just to reiterate - there is no financial difficulty in the equation whatsoever. We are talking about a couple who in the last year have taken a 3 week holiday in Bali, a 6 week holiday in Europe, and a 4 week holiday in another coastal resort. It's not about taking financial advantage, just that in the context of a life time of family sharing, it is kind of out of order and usual experience.

Yes, Schoolaroundthecorner, I come from a close family too. At least until 4 weeks ago I did. The whole thing is incomprehensible in the context of usual family experience.

I think your last post about your sister does rather change what I think, because the idea that she was horrified yet cowed by her husband-to-be's insistence he leave after a row involving them both, isn't very plausible if she threw him out of the car! If she was compromised, surely she would have driven him to the station and looked after him herself whilst explaining he couldn't stay.

It sounds like she was also angry with her nephew and not reasonable about it at the time.

It is not reasonable to ask for money in that situation when you are the aunt, just that if someone asked me 'will you pay for this petrol?' I would say yes to be polite. It sounds like it had gone way beyond polite into out and out aggression between the two.

They all sound hot-headed, poor you, you are now stuck in the middle.

Your sister has lost it - although I think her not having children means she doesn't actually realise that you won't ever side with her over your son, and still believes you should side with her.

I wouldn't go to the wedding - I'd be too pissed off at the partner.

However, it does sound a wee bit as though you might be fanning the flames of the drama - asking for detailed notes, having lengthy skype sessions etc. Just don't speak to your DSis for a bit. Drop it with your mum. Don't go to the wedding but just say that briefly and don't get drawn in.

If my nieces or nephews stayed here and needed driving somewhere, we wouldn't hesitate and of course they wouldn't pay, they're family!

The husband sounds a right idiot but your sister is beginning to sound just as bad. I don't imagine Green you have rose coloured specs on with your DS, we've pretty much seen their good points and bad points by the time our kids reach that age and we are under no illusion they are perfect.

Is your DSis actually lying about what you son did or didn't do? Do the stories vary enormously. If so, and if you believe your DS (which I'm sure you do) I would be backing my child all the way. He probably didn't handle it 100% perfectly but he was no doubt taken aback, hurt, confused and angry. I wouldn't be going to the wedding unless my child was reinvited and an apology came about.

I'm going on the basis that there are 5 adults/no children here (you, DSis, DP, DS, DM).

My order of priority, based on various factors, would be DS, DM/DSis, DP (to the extent he influences your sister's happiness), me.

Your son is an adult, capable now of at least appreciating (if not fully capable of living with the fact) that you have obligations to others which may mean that sometimes he doesn't come first when you deem he doesn't need to. Bitter pill for all children to swallow, some get to do it later than others, but this episode has rather forced the issues.

Your DSis has to appreciate that she is not the center of the universe.

Your DM needs to see that her children are not falling out.

Fuck the DP, for anything beyond what is required to not upset your DSis beyond what's reasonable.

On this basis, I suggest you go to NY, see your DSis outside of the wedding shebang, wish her heartfelt best wishes in her marriage, with all the love and warmth that you feel for her, and be very good to her. But explain that given the treatment of your DS at her and her DP's hands, you cannot rightly attend any party/celebration of two people who have caused him so much distress. I would explain that this shouldn't bother her, it doesn't change how much you love her, and she must get on with her decision to marry this man and enjoy every minute of the wedding and the marriage.

Then I would reassure your DM that you love your sister dearly and will always be there for her. And I would go do something entirely unrelated on the day of the wedding.

Do something on the day of the wedding WITH DS, I meant to add.

DSis has a lot invested in this relationship - big social status (the celebrity thing), house, related job.

The timing of your DSis's holiday looks very suspicious, I don't think her fiance wanted DS around from the outset. He may take himself too seriously, and doesn't want any youthful competition. Maybe he simply didn't like DS's closeness to his aunt - she doesn't have DCs, he isn't used to 'sharing' her.

If DSis weren't so dazzled, "Him or me!" would have seen her telling her fiance don't be so flaming melodramatic, my nephew is not a bad lad, this visit is only short term, we'll sort something out.

I was going to say oh go to the wedding, show DSis you are here for her if DP turns out to be controlling and weird but after the last posts about dropping DS off so he incurred a £150 taxi ride I think she has made it very plain where her loyalties now lie.

Yes, I'm more resolutely 'don't go' now - having read slithy's horrific story, and your update on the driving to the station thing. Who demands petrol money from a (previously much loved) nephew for a lift to the station?! Obviously my family is like yours, green, we generally feed our guests, visitors and family waifs and strays, and drive them to the station/airport FOC!

It's an awful situation - certainly for you and your mother - but the e-mailing round family (very spiteful), kicking ds out on the roadside and withdrawing of wedding invite have caused the rift - not you not going to the wedding.

I was feeling sorry for your sister - but now I think I'd say how dare you be in tears with me now, about your wedding day, after you did that to your nephew??