Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

[greencottage]

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

What a horrid situation to be in.
Your sisters comments about wanting to come before your son are very, very strange. She doesn't get the bond between parent and child and does sound rather attention seeking.
I'd be reassuring your son of your support, because he was very shabbily treated. At the same time, I'd share my concerns about sister and the relationship she is in.
The bitchy emails to the rest of the family - well, that was just plain nasty. if she had issues with your son, they were with him, not with the rest of the family. TBH is sounds like she wanted to put her side of the story across because she knew she'd behaved appallingly.
It must be hard to try to reconcile the person you once knew, the formerly loving aunt who could treat her nephew like this. It was deliberately cruel and I'd find that very hard to forgive or forget.
As for the wedding - I don't think I wold mention it at all to her. let her bring it up in conversation first and see what she says! I'd certainly be making it clear that the main purpose of my visit was to see my son and don't think I could face seeing her marry this controlling person.

Hi op, I haven't read TFT but your posts and, for some reason really feel for you. I wanted to post because I disagree that you shouldn't go to the wedding.

I think by going to see your sister at the wedding you are not choosing your dsis over your ds at all. As a family we need to make difficult choices sometimes. If your ds loves his auntie he will understand that you will want to go, otherwise I feel he might be acting a bit 'spoilt' tbh.

It sounds like your sis is with an abusive men and it makes me feel really sad and worried for her. Is there anyway you can spend a few days with her way before the wedding? Is there any way she would not marry this guy?

The future bil sounds really awful and manipulative but I worry about you and your sisters relationship. Try not to participate inthe drama, detach a bit but speak with everyone and get a sense of what's going on. I hope you and your sis will work it out!!

This thread title really bothers me. You shouldn't be forced to choose between either your sister or your son. Your son was treated badly, but he is a grown up now and needs to realise that ultimatums like this are actually pretty childish.
Causing a rift in your family that may never be healed, may cause lots of problems with other members of the family as well. I would avoid doing this. Go to the wedding.

Again thanks everyone. I am reading every post and finding the range of views really helpful. I've got to go back to work now but will be catching up in the morning.

At the moment, I'm tending to not go to the wedding, give my son my 100% support (at the same time as acknowledging things got out of hand and he made mistakes), and meet both DSis and DM before the event (I have a week or so) and try and resolve things in life terms, if not as far as this wedding goes.

If what has been posted is everything I would send your sister a message saying you love her, you are always there for her but her and her DP's treatment of your son and their subsequent exclusion of him from a family event means that you will have to decline their invitation.

You have to make a stand now or it will escalate to he is not allowed to go to any future family get-together, birthdays etc because his aunt and her H say so.

In going to the ceremony without your son there you are implicitly accepting that your son is to blame for what happened.

I could not do it, whatever my sister needed.

My version of a way of supporting my sister if she was in that situation would be to tell her without mincing my words what a horrible mistake I think she is making, and that I am very sorry but I will be there when the shit goes down, and won't kick her out if she comes to stay.

Attending the wedding ceremony means celebrating your sister fucking up her life. Why would anyone do that? That is not supporting her, that is enabling her to pretend that hitching up with this guy is an OK thing to do.

And yes, before anyone asks me, I do have a sister I absolutely adore. And she would have walked out on any guy who dared suggest that anyone in my family was anything other than welcome with open arms in her house, and indeed we all were (family of four visiting for 3 weeks in a two bedroomed house, anyone?). And if she was behaving like your sister, I would have to tell her how worried I was about her mh.

Agree totally with magoria and Liara above. There are ways of offering support to your sister without endorsing either her behaviour to your son or her choice to marry this awful-sounding bloke. Loyalty to your son has to be your priority. I think the two suggested messages above are very good

In going to the ceremony without your son there you are implicitly accepting that your son is to blame for what happened.

I do agree with this.

No matter what you do, there is a family rift - either between Aunt/Nephew, sisters, or even mother and son. I would have a lot more sympathy with your dsis if she had not disinvited your ds to the wedding, but instead, been the 'bigger person' for the sake of all family relations.

Unfortunately, I'm inclined to think that this has been engineered by the DP, and whatever you do with regard to the wedding will be twisted and turned against you. So, imo, you need to stand with your son, but still offer love, good wishes and support to your sister.

In going to the ceremony without your son there you are implicitly accepting that your son is to blame for what happened.,

Ah, I don't agree with this. You can make it very plain to both DSis and DM that are you are going to the wedding to support your sister because she's sister, but you think your son has been appallingly treated. (You can make it quietly plain to any other guests you feel should know, too, though 'quietly' may be the operative word for the sake of family harmony)

And it does sound as if your son has been very badly treated. Throwing out one's relatives/ in-laws to be/ anyone at all is a very extreme thing to do, and usually unnecessary (it's not something I have ever come close to doing, and there have been some pretty challenging situations over the years).

Several things about this whole saga make me very worried for the sister:

1. The trip to Europe (six weeks) with 'no time' to visit family
2. Being away on holiday exactly when they knew your son was due
3. The throwing out of your son
4. The comment from the 'D'P about how your son was lucky not to get a black eye

All of these things make your BIL-to-be look unpleasant and very controlling. Also, your sister's behaviour has not been great. Is she usually like that - or is this new and out of character?

If she's always like that, I think you should stick with your son and tell your DSis and DM that you don't feel you can attend the wedding. If it's out of character, it might be as well to sit down with your son and explain that his aunt is marrying an abusive arse and needs to know that her sister will always be there to help her if she needs it.

This whole story makes my blood run slightly cold: my own father was a control freak who did his best to drive a wedge between my mother and her family, having fallen out with his own. So perhaps I'm not entirely impartial here, but the whole situation - the sudden upping from normality to drama, the wedge-driving, the nastiness - rings a lot of bells.

I wonder what the dp wants? Op to attend or not attend. Not attend would be my guess - to drive a further wedge between OP and dsis. Or maybe attend, so as to keep dsis happy (for now) but prove to dsis that he was 'right' and ds/dnephew was out of order? And justify the uninviting of dsis's previously much beloved nephew.

Either way, I believe OP is damned if she does/damned if she doesn't.

However, I do believe that the dsis's dp is not OP main concern here - her DS comes first, every day of the week. I have 3 much beloved sisters and it would break my heart if any of them acted like this towards one of my dc.

I personally don't see how I could attend a wedding where my ds had been uninvited in such a way.

Your sister sounds highly irresponsible; what if something had happened to your son being dropped off like that in what appears to have been the middle of nowhere.

Also, your DS may be in his early twenties, but that is still very young. They were the grown-ups and should have acted accordingly.

I think you should support your son.

But if you go to the wedding (and the dinner party, and the lunch, and send a gift), however much you say to your son that you're going because you need to be there for your sister, that you're worried she's being isolated, he's going to see that as you choosing her over him. And no amount of logic is going to make that feeling any different.

And how long will you continue to sacrifice his feelings to avoid isolating her? Yes, it's important that she isn't isolated but you risk making your DS into the sacrificial lamb :(

Your sister's behaviour is bizarre. I agree with the other posters who worry that her new partner will turn out to abusive.

I find it shocking that she did not care for/protect her nephew. We are a far flung family. I often find myself putting up younger cousins, nephews, half siblings etc. they are often annoying house guests, but really, they are kids, even if they are over 18. My family was patient and generous when I was young, and now I am a grown up, so it's "pay back time." A bit of adolescent self-centred ness would not justify your sister and her fiancé's behaviour.

All that said, I'd still be tempted to go to the wedding if I thought my sister was about to marry a monster. I wouldn't want to abandon her when she might need me most.

I think I've just outed myself as a real pushover. Apparently, I'd put up with bad behaviour all around from family!

Would it help your son to think of his Aunt as vulnerable/manipulated, rather than just being a b*tch who rejected him for her own reasons?

I'd understand that he might not be able to do that, but turning hurt and anger into compassion when possible is healing.

I only joined to reply to this thread....
IF your son is telling the truth,,,,
Sister and dp have money galore for holidays. Not having much spare cash is only excuse for not feeding, beering, driving around young visitor.
Even jf words are said its the 'grlwn ups' who calm ig down and behave perfectly normally the next day... Especially if only three days till son leaves...

Dp sounds weird. Either alpha male syndrome, (with a 21 year old nephew even weirder..... Not good for sister long term cor balanced relationship.
Or wants sister to be alone, less friends etc...

But at another level is disinviting from wedding and ki king out ojt of house... Ffs.

If it happened to my daughter I'd rip his head off and shit down his neck..

My sister and her hub y would not even think of it nor brother and his wife....not mater what was said..... Let alone the other side of the world.

Talk to sis , you r there for her etc, but he is a wierdo. U must really be very forgiving (insane) to even think about going..... If my sister did it, my brother and I would not go.....

I would not go to the wedding, the main reason being the disinvitation to your son. That's not on.

Oh I am male

Abuse alarm bells for me too.

There is no way of earth I would kick my nephew to the street (and I am living on the other side of the World from my family, so it just seems the more horrendous to do that to someone who has just moved so far away), there is no way on earth I would expect a family member to pay for petrol when I am taking them to the airport (or when I am taking them anywhere!), and there is no way I would allow my DH to put pressure on me to do any of those things. Having said that, my DH is a good, decent man who would put up with anything before causing offence to my family.

No matter what horrible things my nephew could have done or said, I would phone my sister way before even considering kicking him out and explain the situation to her, probably ask her to talk to him.

Oh, and I also don't have children, but would never, ever expect a mother to put anyone else before their child.

I completely agree there is something off between you Dsis and her partner. However, I would find it very hard to forgive that she kicked your child to the streets in a foreign country.

Withdrawing his invitation was horrible.

I still think it's important not to go. Going sends the message that the way they treated your DS is acceptable, that he doesn't matter. Your DS needs your loyalty here, he needs to know that he does matter, that what they did was completely unacceptable to you.

Especially with the further details you've added.

Yes, it is very worrying that your sister has apparently undergone a personality transplant in the last few weeks, and is marrying a potentially abusive, controlling prick. But I don't know what anyone can do about that if she's determined to go ahead, and it sounds that way.

As others have said, I don't think I'd even want to speak to her after this, especially the poisonous emails to all and sundry, and the dumping him in the middle of nowhere. If anyone behaved to my DS like this (way in the future!) I would find it very difficult to get past. I can't see a single trace of love for your DS on the part of your DSis in any of this, and that's quite chilling.

I think you have to tell her how utterly disgusted you are with her behaviour, and how concerned you are about the changes in her. Is it very recent? Can I ask when she first started complaining that you put him ahead of her? Because that seems to be part of it.

Lula thanks for taking that in good spirit!

She may be 'vulnerable' - unusually influenced by her controlling do - but she's an adult. What she has done is unacceptable.

My toes curl when I think of some of the things I did when I was with my very controlling husband. I was completely under his spell. But when the spell eventually began to break (as it inevitably does in most cases) it was people's horror and outrage littered behind me that was in fact a huge help in confirming that what I was up to my neck in was seriously not right!

So I would say DON'T gloss over it. Set clear boundaries: what she has done is outrageous and deeply hurtful. Whether or not she has been influenced by her partner - and it looks like she has - that is for her to contend with on her 'day' of reckoning.

I was initially going to suggest you go to the ceremony but not the reception to keep everyone happy - but now you've explained more then I would say an emphatic NO to going to the wedding. I would clearly stated that you are very concerned about her husband2b, that you suspect she is in a controlling relationship (give examples), but that you simply will not condone the way she has repeatedly behaved towards your son, how out of character it is and as a result you will not be attending the wedding. If ds had not been disinvited (ffs!) it may be different but too much has happened and ds comes first, as always and ever. Statements btw, don't expect her to hear it.

I am eternally grateful towards the ppl who stuck their neck out leading up to my wedding, clearly stating they had grave concerns about my future husband. At the time I was at best baffled - already significantly under his spell and thoroughly infatuated - but those are incidents were markers to me as I struggled to get to the surface from the depths of the ocean , and I held at on to them. They were snippets of sanity.

Re your mum - sadly, I've been faced with very similar in my family and I have had to weather her serious illnesses as a consequence of my decisions. She is now mid 80s, still going strong despite all, rabidly in denial as a means of coping. There are many casualties in a situation like this but that goes to show how serious it is - it is not possible to smooth over something like this.

Tell her you love her and want to continue your relationship; keep in contact, even if she doesn't respond. Let's hope the day will come when she comes back to you, knowing you will be there - but in the meantime I think you'll have to accept you'll loose her over this. Let's hope for a finite period (though it may be some time).

Hear hear, springy. I was wondering what the advice would be from someone who'd been in a controlling relationship and got out.

Springy, hello my lovely, been a long time. Hope you're well!

I would also like to add my concerns about the behaviour of the future husband. However, I noted a post from OP about mistakes on behalf of her son and wonder, unless I have missed something, if she could expand?

On the face of the information here, there is absolutely no way on earth I would go to that wedding. My son would have to come first and that's the end of it. I was faced with a fairly difficult "family" situation recently in terms of a Christening for my nephews, they are my STBXH's brother's children but I adore them and hope that won't change, am lucky with my "outlaws". I ended up going with DS for the day, my STBXH came to the ceremony but not the reception after, my DD chose not to attend as she didn't want to see my STBXH, it was awful, confusing and upsetting for everybody. I know it's not quite the same but I do understand the dynamics of these situations.

OP, you have to go with your instincts on this and naturally that is with your son. Your sister hasn't behaved well, her fiance even worse. I hope this works out for you, what a nightmare, I don't envy you!

Hi greencottage first and foremost
Next if i think you should tell both your son and sis, exactly how you feel, you have put it so well on this thread, that if they realised how devestated you are, they might be able to forgive each other and maybe you could all meet up when you go out there.
So back to your original question 'son or sister?' Both tell them both you love them both and its thier behaviour is ripping you apart.
Next wedding or no? Only you can decide that, if you really don't like your sis DP then i think you need to be homest and tell her you have her best interests at heart, you will always be there for and a safe heaven should she need one, but you are worried about her life choice and feel uneasy about the wedding. But i think you need to be face to face not via skype or phone.
Very best of luck OP hope it all works out well.