Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

[greencottage]

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

My FIL did this when he remarried - first of all told me and DH none of us were welcome at the ceremony - we accepted his wishes without complaint or comment. Then changed his mind so Dh and I could go but the DC couldn't (11 and 14). DH and I could not imagine a conversation where we told the kids we were welcome at their Grandad's wedding but not them, so declined the invite (politely, again without comment or complaint). A few weeks later we were all invited.

Talk about mind games - this sounds so similar. Using their wedding invites to make a point and divide family loyalties. Don't play the game. Stay polite, but don't play.

FragileBrittleStar - given the type of family the op describes herself as having, it would be fairly reasonable to think that hospitality would perhaps be extended. Being a little disappointed is normal I would say.

I've certainly welcomed extended family for several days whilst they take care of sorting themselves out, I've also had that hospitality extended to me (and been thankful for it).

OP, if this has been a completely unforseen reversal in their relationship, I can see why your son would feel betrayed...I expect he is already feeling that way in respect of his aunt. Don't make any final decisions until you've spoken to both your son and your sister in person, body language usually ferrits out the real story.

Please think twice about giving up on your sister.

If you and her have got on great throughout your life then IMO and experience this whole situation screams abuse.

Do not let this man succeed in isolating your sister from her family.

Alarm bells rang for me when you said your sis went away on the day he was arriving. Very odd.

What's also telling is she is sort of dithering between apologising and not. Abusers fill us with so much stuff that we begin to doubt our own (previously fine) judgement.

If you think this is really down to her dp, show your sis some empathy as she may well not be able to see what he is doing.

Explain this to your son.

I would go to the wedding. Either you have rose tinted spectacles about your son, or your sister's partner is abusive. If it is the latter, the last thing you should be doing is cutting yourself off from her. She is going to need all of her family in the future.

What was the content of the emails sent by your sister and her partner?

So much of this story is missing.

Son and no to the wedding.

Be prepared to accept that you won't have the same relationship with your sister until she divorces this man as she is blind to his nastiness. Tell your mother that you won't be going to the wedding and are not prepared to discuss it further.

What a difficult situation OP, I really feel for you.

I agree that your son was badly treated by your DSIS and her 'D'P. I cannot understand your DSIS actions. There is really nothing that my nieces and nephews could do that would cause me to kick them out of my home in this manner, especially when the visit was only going to be for a few more days. If the situation was really bad, I would probably at the very most send them to a hotel, never just onto the street.

I really find it hard to imagine what your son could have done in such a short space of time. To me, 'expecting to be fed' is perfectly reasonable!

That being said I think you have to ask your DS to be really mature for you and understand that you have to attend this wedding. I would explain to him that you are not choosing sides, but that you have concerns about your sisters husband to be. Explain that his Grandma is really upset by it all and that it would be better for her if you went.

I think it's really easy to get sucked into the idea that attending a wedding means that you are endorsing a relationship. It doesn't have to mean that though, you can just view it as an expression of your love for your sister.

I agree with the other posters who think your sister's husband to be is potentially a controlling abuser. At the very least he's an arsehole. I think if I was in your place I would be doing my very best to keep the lines of communication with your sister open.

I can understand why this will grate on you, because it gives the impression that you are going along with what the arsehole wants by attending the wedding when your son cannot go. But try to remember that by going you are probably frustrating his plans. He will probably be annoyed if you do attend.

I would ring or email your sister and tell her that you want to attend the wedding, but that you must agree to disagree about the situation with your son, but that you want to put it behind you.

isittime I'm not really sure he was thrown onto the street, with no-where to stay, given the sister gave him an inflatable mattress, towels and pans!

Surely she only gave those things knowing he could move in early to his flat, which he did.

If she had thrown him out without money, no hotel nearby etc. the hyperbole might be justified, but he wasn't abandoned by her, actually she set him up with goods for the short-term.

The worst thing they did in my opinion is send nasty emails about him and disinvite him from the wedding. Asking a grown adult to leave after a row seems more normal to me, the rest not so much so. A kind husband would also find a way back from the stand-off and encourage reconciliation, he clearly isn't going to be that.

The fact that your sister unexpectedly went away when your son arrived seems strange to me. Added to the bloke's reaction to the lad I would say he didn't want him visiting and was pissed off when his avoidance tactic (going away on holiday) didn't entirely work.

Cherchez the arsehole!

Thenapoleonofcrime what was he supposed to do with an inflatable mattress and pots and pans? Yes she gave them to him but he had nowhere to go with them. Was he expected to sleep on the streets on the mattress and cook his dinner in the pots and pans? She should have given him a camping stove in that case...

Of course if he'd been on the street, the mattress would have been no good, that's why I don't think for a second it was on the cards he was on the street! With pots and pans and a mattress and towels all given by the sister. He also could have left them behind if not needed. This bit of the story doesn't quite make sense.

Or he could have gone back to the friend who was happy to have him there.

It actually worked out quite well for him to move into his flat a few days early with the sister's stuff to tide him over.

This isn't the outrageous part of the story IMO.

"why do you always have to put X first? Why is it always about X? I'm your sister and you should support me, it's my wedding day."

This along with the nasty emails she sent about your son after throwing him out and the refusal to apologise to him doesn't sound like someone who is being controlled. To me, it sounds like she's met an equally narcissistic partner who provides her with the celebrity status and trappings that she craves and she's desperate not to lose that - so she will do whatever it takes to keep hold of it, even if that means sacrificing her personal autonomy, self-respect and family relationships. i agree that her partner sounds like an abusive and controlling person but she is choosing not to stand up to him.

So much of this story is missing

Yep. We don't know what the sister has spread around and we don't know what he did in the first place.

He's an adult, will have had some money or means to get some, and could have gone to a hostel. He wasn't thrown out onto the street literally. He was perhaps taking too much for granted assuming he could spend so much time (originally) at his aunt's, and then a friend's.

OK, I'm back and thank you for your input. Let me clarify a few things. It's hard to get the whole story across in just a few posts.

1. I deliberately haven't shared the whole who-said-what part of the story as I am trying to maintain some privacy for various family members. You can take it from me that I DO know exactly who said what, and that I have give a broad outline of it, including acknowledging some blame where it was due (no rose tinted glasses).

1. I accept he is an adult. He is far from molly coddled and has led quite an independent life, with much gap year travel (self-funded), a year in the workplace and own flat etc after uni, and now back to postgrad studies. He, of course, could have sorted out a hostel etc. That really isn't the point. He thought it would be nice to visit his aunt! And after a lifetime in which that kind of thing has been the norm (they have even gone on holiday together!), I think that was a reasonable assumption.

1. For those who say something doesn't add up re the mattress and pots and nowhere to go, let me clarify: he was told he was being thrown out, so he acted quickly and effectively to sort out somewhere to go (early entry to his flat), he was then given pots and pans etc and dumped on the road. In the middle of nowhere (which I haven't previously mentioned). Around 60 miles from the nearest town (DSis lives outside the big smoke). It took him nearly two hours for a taxi to arrive and cost him around £150 to get himself back to the city.

Have you decided what to do, OP? There doesn't seem to be a consensus on this thread.

Yes I know Vicarscat! It's a split vote. I was thinking about going back and counting up the "Son and No" votes vs the "Sister needs your support in the face of a potentially abusive marriage" vote. SugaronTop has a different perspective, maybe some truth in that, too.

I'm basically in the same undecided position as when I started this thread! (But I do appreciate your help, everyone).

Could you start by talking to your son about your fears that your sister is in an abusive relationship, and that your non-attendance at the wedding might push her away, so she'd find it harder to ask you for help in the future - and see what his response to that is?

That's not a nice thing to do at all. Weird they gave him the stuff for the flat, only to dump him in the middle of nowhere, why did they drive him anywhere at all?

They sound horrible, and I bet your sister is wishing she wasn't in this situation.

I'm with Thenapolean
If the Dsis thought he was going to be 'on the street' she wouldn't have given him a mattress and pots and pans. Sounds like she provided things for the new place

napoleon

Sorry but over my rotting corpse would I go to the wedding. Especially after your last post.

Your sister is an adult and if she chooses to marry this absolute arsehole that's her lookout but no way would I go and be all happy-smiley-congratulations after someone treated my son this way. I'm not surprised he said he'd feel let down and unsupported if you go.

I'd put money on the DP of Dsis expressing some kind of unpleasant views designed to be provocative (quite possibly racist) in very strong terms. Ds then tries to offer his views and gets upset and angry and it gets heated very quickly escalating to the situation described.

DP is, of course, a master at manipulating such situations and has played against ds' youth and passion for equality. He then becomes massively offended at the younger man's words and chucks him out. A few old towels and pans cast him in a good light, 'sending the boy off with a reprimand but we saw him right.'

Sorry but the DP engineered this whole thing. It's really sad.,I would definitely meet dsis and also encourage a meeting with ds as well because they love one another and realises it or not, they've both been played off against each other by a man skilled at this stuff. Out of interest what is his history? Previous marriages? Children?

Good luck to your dsis.she's going to need it.

I'm going to give my experience.

My aunt started dating a man.
We spent a family Christmas together at her home and I met him for the first time. They had been together about 3 months. Lots off off behaviour from him during this visit but she let it all go. I was 19 btw.

I was very close to my aunt. Holidays just the two of us, visits without the larger family etc. she let me use her house as my home out with term time, get post there.

During this family visit, my mum and I had a pretty big row, irrelevant now but I was later acknowledged to be in the right.

Anyway during this row, my aunt kicked me out. It was about ten at night, I lived a three hour drive away, and I was very upset due to the fight with my mum. Both my parents asked her not to but she (and her boyfriend) stood firm. My sister later told me that the boyfriend had been badmouthing me to my aunt several times over the holiday.

Anyway fast forward 3 months and I was back in the area attending a funeral. Aunt blanked me.

Fast forward another 3 months and my aunt had a go at my mum for paying to repair my car to get through its mot. My mum used her boyfriend to do the repairs, apparently at a reduced rate. (Relevant later) Saying how spoiled and nasty I was and how uncomfortable she was that I went to her home town for the funeral after the scene at Christmas.

In this whole time I hadn't spoken to my aunt.

6 months later and my car died on the motorway, the mechanic which attended it said it was a death trap and I was very lucky. That the repairs which had been done (welding) was a botch job. My mum fed this back to the boyfriend and he went nuclear about me. That I was a liar, manipulative, immature, that I had destroyed the car by driving on a beach (I hadn't lol) and that my mum had paid a great rate for the repairs and he now wanted the remainer of the costs.

I say this to illustrate what a nutcase he is.
This all really upset me (he copied me in on the email) and I asked my mum and dad to step in to defend me as I felt incapable, mum also wouldn't let me defend myself for fear of upsetting my aunt. I felt completely betrayed by my mum.

Then the worst thing happened. When I left uni I changed my addressed with everyone, but my bank only changed my billing address not my postal address idiots so statements were still going to my aunts. She never told me. Then I applied for a credit card, got declined, fine. Next thing I got a solicitors letter from my aunt regarding my attempted fraud trying to obtain credit through her address. (investigations with the bank over the next year eventually showed I didnt, and the ombudsman found in my favour). I was only 20 and her letter scared the shit out of me.

My mum still refused to get involved and in fact booked a holiday with my aunt. At which point, 6 months or so down the line when my aunt was still insisting I'd broken the law and was considering "taking action", I forced her to choose and I don't regret it.

My aunt has done far, far worse to other family members since, with the help of that man. And even if he is abusing her which I suspect, I had to protect myself. Even though I was a grown up, I needed my parents support and I didn't get it, and it still hurts. And my mum regrets it too.

A very, very long winded way of saying please choose and support your son.