Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

[greencottage]

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

I think trying to see your DSis alone is the way to go.

oops, typo... i mean no receptions... ceremony, yes, receptions no

I'm with YellowTulips.

Reading your OP, my thoughts were along the same lines as plantsitter. And I would be damned if I were going to allow this man to force a wedge into my family!

"DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. "
What would I do? I would not choose between sister and son, because IMO that is not the choice I would need to make. Your son is an adult (albeit a young adult), and you describe your sister as having been like a second mother to him. So he loves his aunt, right? Now is the time to sit him down and explain to him that not every relationship is healthy, your sister has become enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship where a controlling partner is seeking to isolate her from her family, all the better to have complete dominion over her. Essentially, she is mentally ill right now, unable to connect to reality. Does he want her family - you AND HIM - to abandon her in a fit of pique and hurt feelings? Or does he want to make sure that his aunt will have an escape route if and when she recovers?

If your son is worth a damn, he will see that right now his aunt's family (including him) need to bide their time, suck up the hurt that is being deliberately inflicted upon them, and keep the door open for his aunt's eventual escape. Yes, he was treated appallingly. But he has to ask himself, can he joint the adult world and put others before himself? It is a big ask, but it is also the right thing to do.

"But now my mum's going to have a complete nervous breakdown and do the "how can you do this to me in my final days" thing…"my family is all I have and now it's ruined" etc".

I would have no time for such motherly shenanigans from her. She being hysterical is not going to help any.

Also it was not you or your son who started this; that can be laid squarely at the door of your sister's partner and your sister who has meekly gone along with his wishes.

It may be that this man is trying to isolate her and this is the most obvious explanation etc, but...

it strikes me here that the two people who are being stubborn and refusing to find the middle ground are the two men

your son thinks you disloyal if you go, the husband to be has forbidden him to go and so on. your sister is flip flopping as she doesn't know what to do. it's the men running the show.

it seems that these men butted heads (or antlers, given they are like rutting stags). I think you and your sister should think what you would like to happen and work towards that.

Also, although it would have been nice for them to have welcomed or even just put up with your son, perhaps he was a bit rude, and this just triggered the husband into standing his ground. The reason I say that is because you say he's very opinionated. This might be tolerated by nice old mum, but he's not a teenager now, and a twenty something man mouthing off (who knows on what topic?) may have just set off this other guy, as it was his home.

I would be tolerant of mess, eating lots of food etc, but not blatant disrespect/rudeness, or drugs- so I would have to be 100% sure there were no grounds for complaint on that score before coming in completely behind my child.

I think the way to go could be to focus on the sister/sister relationship and leave the men out of it. they are both trying to control that relationship- tell them it is bigger than this one incident or this one time.

I am not saying which interpretation is correct, and this guy may well be an abusive arsehole, and that's the whole of the story, but something tells me that's not the case, that your son was either a bit rude or a bit disrespectful, he also sounds a tad like an uninvited guest (they didn't obviously want him to stay which is why they didn't give him the key/ask him) and that may have triggered it all off.

I would always support my child if I were 100% they were completely blameless, so if he says there was no argument, rudeness, taking of food without asking, etc then I would believe him, but I would be checking very carefully.

The very first thing an abuser does, is isolate his partner from friends and family. The very first thing. Every time.

I'd go. No question.

Oh dear. His minor celebrity status and her dependence on it don't surprise me at all but I wish I'd been wrong.

I think you should go to the ceremony but not the "do". Avoid a stand-off , resist the temptation to lodge an objection at the relevant moment , but don't join in the celebrations if you don't want to celebrate.

Have dinner out with DS instead. Help him separate his aunt's behaviour from the dickhead's. He's certainly old enough to understand how people can be isolated and manipulated. Dickhead has been consistent in his dickheadery; DSis has flipped.

another thing to keep in mind, would you feel awkward going knowing how they feel about your son? I would. I don't think I would have a good time.

What Napoleon said.

I do feel your DS is also being harsh on you by forbidding you to go to the Dsis wedding. There is no way I would put my DM in that position of choosing between me or another relative (and god knows, I've had cause).
I still do think there is something not being said about the argument that began all that. But you weren't there. So you must do what you feel you want to do to keep your relationship with your Dsis and let the others figure it out for themselves.

But it isn't YOU that is ruining the wedding...it is your sister and DBIL's behaviour-you shouldn't have to take the blame on your shoulders.

What has your sister said to your mother that your son did-It just all seems a bit vague , but if your sister went around emailing family about how terrible he was she must have put reasons for her actions. If she has lied or exaggerated this she needs to be pulled up on this as that isn't fair on your son.

Your Sister needs to accept that this is your son and that you love him and support him and won't see him treated like that (especially if she was up to now so fond of him) and your son needs to respect that you love your sister and that although you don't agree with her actions you need to be present at her wedding ceremony.
You also need to say the above to your mother-if it really is all down to miscommunication and misunderstanding and there wasn't something terrible that happened your family will surely also see how stuck in the middle you are.

People don't just fall out in one day over nothing-either your son has indeed done something to cause this reaction, or your sister's DP has made it clear that he isn't welcome (which it sounds like) -in that case it is up to your DBIL and DSIS to speak to your mum and justify why they are doing this to her family -it isn't on you.

I wouldn't go. I'd be pleasant and wish them well, but no way in hell would I go to a wedding where my child had been uninvited and treated so shabbily. If she wants to marry this wanker, you can't stop her. Try and keep communications open, but I couldn't 'celebrate' this marriage.

DS is not forbidding me - that would be ridiculous! He has expressed that he would feel very hurt though. That's what I am taking on board.
Regarding his behaviour, as I said early on, I asked him to write me a complete narrative of what happened. I know what happened, what was said etc. Yes, it wasn't perfect. On a scale of 1-10, I'd probably put it around 7 in Perfect Children Land. But there was huge initial provocation. Yes, ideally he shouldn't have engaged, but he was hot-headed, and more importantly, extremely hurt and bewildered that his much-loved aunt was treating him like this.

I accept what people are saying about not cutting her off, but I could still arrange to see her while I'm there. I think I really don't want to spend a day "celebrating" her marriage to this person. I don't think I'll be isolating her if I try and spend time with her elsewhere during the visit?

The only way to mend the family rift is for her to re-invite your son to the wedding. Assuming he wants to of course - but the rift between your sister and son needs to be healed.

Tell her and your mother that - the family rift has been caused by her uninviting your son, surely?

I think it sounds like you've come to a good conclusion then. Seeing her elsewhere and before the wedding would be nice. I rarely see one of my sisters with her DP because he is such an arse, so we tend to do things without him. Perhaps as your DS will be in the same city you could have a 'reconciliation' on neutral ground? (Or at least try to?)

I'm sure that now he would decline the invitation but I agree, as a matter of principle, he needs to be re-invited to the wedding.

Yes, LulaMay, DS wants us both to meet with her and try and seek reconciliation. He is not at all saying I should never see her.

I disagree with this assumption that the partner is abusive.

We still don't know what your adult son did that made them and his friend earlier chuck him out the house. I am not saying it was right to chuck him out but he was adult, fluent in the language who would have been able to access univeristy support so I don't think the chucking him out Into a foreign country is as bad as suggested by some.

If you do see your sister it will have to be before the wedding and without her man being present. I cannot see that scenario readily happening; he has her on a tight leash and she may well make and break plans on his say so.

Your sister has also openly stated that she sacrificed your son at her man's behest. She made a choice also to rescind her nephew's invite.

I think that after the wedding in particular he will do his utmost to further isolate her from you. He has already tried this and it worked; you did not get to see each other.

I think that's the starting point then. A low-key cup of tea in a café somewhere with two people who love you and each other. Why don't you put aside the whole wedding hoopla-shenanigans aside for now and look forward to seeing both of them. It's hard to not think of all the bad stuff but ruminating about it this far away will just make it worse and blow it up even more epically (again - I know this!)

Mostjustaluker, you seem to have the wrong end of the stick. His earlier friend did not chuck him out! They are on the best of terms. DS was just hoping to spend some time with his aunt, who he has always had a close relationship with, that is why he went to visit her once she came back from her holiday.

Apogee for that then but we still don't know what the man did to be chucked out of the aunties. When he was chucked out could be not just go back to his freind's house or were they in different cities?

It strikes me here that the two people who are being stubborn and refusing to find the middle ground are the two men.

^^

I think your DS sounds as though he is enjoying the drama as well, most students would shrug the whole thing off and not give it another thought about whether or not you attended the wedding. And how many young men would really want to attend their aunt's wedding anyway?

I think you need to let your DS know that you are very worried about your sister and the way in which she seems to be controlled by her partner.

LulaMay, did you reach resolution with your family rift eventually?

BTW - this is a nice way of distracting me from the fact that I have a really bad cold and am lying in bed surrounded by tissues!