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Original poster

Wedding trauma - forced to choose between sister and son

269 replies

greencottage · 17/03/2015 12:45

Sorry this is long - need to give a bit of background. It's been going on for weeks and I really need some help.

DS moved to a distant foreign city (other side of the world) in January to start a postgrad degree. The only person he knew in that city (where he'd never been before) was my DSis, who lives there and who has been a wonderful aunt to him and like a second mother all his life. I think, fairly naturally, he and I both hoped that she would be able to give him a bit of help settling in in this new city, e.g. give him somewhere to stay while he found uni accommodation. Well, that didn't happen as she and her new partner decided they had to go on holiday at that time. Was a bit disappointed, but anyway he got on with it, found a friend of a friend who let him stay while he found a flat.

Move forward a couple of weeks, and DSis comes back from holiday. DS asks if he can visit and stay for a few days as he would like to spend family time with DSis and also felt he had stayed long enough at friend-of-friend's house (he was moving into his new flat in five days). She says yes, so he goes to her house.

By day 2 the atmosphere is unbearable. Partner of DSis does not like having him in the house and puts a him-or-me ultimatum on DSis. DSis crumbles and kicks DS out, literally onto the street, giving him an inflatable mattress and a few pans and towels. He manages to get into the flat a couple of days early and camps out until his furniture arrives. In the meantime DSis sends hysterical emails left, right and centre telling everyone how appalling DS is (not true). Her DP sends me an incredible email telling me he's lucky he wasn't chucked out with a black eye and I should take off my rose tinted glasses about him. Apparently amongst his sins were "expecting to be fed". Please take this in the context of 1. my family is always warm and hospitable to each other, 2. they are not short of money so could certainly afford an extra place at the table, 3. DS is basically a broke student, 4. he brought the usual kind of contributions and helped out around the house like any well-mannered guest.

All very upsetting and I cannot believe that my much loved sister has behaved like this towards her nephew who she has always cherished. Literally cannot believe it. Still I am trying to make a reconciliation and just ask her to apologise to DS. No apology is forthcoming, well a little bit to me but not to him.

Now for the wedding related bit. I am going to visit DS at Easter. This has been planned for many months. With this date in mind DSis organised her wedding to the above mentioned partner for when I was there. I love my sister and want to support her and celebrate her wedding. But I feel she has basically sacrificed my son to her partner's whims. Her DP has also grossly insulted me and DS (sent DS an email saying he was never welcome again). She has also rescinded the wedding invite to DS. I just need to say again, what a long and loving relationship she has had with DS all his life, so this is just an unbelievable turn of events.

DS says he will feel betrayed and unsupported if I go to the wedding. Elderly DM is having a hysterical breakdown at the family fall-out. DSis says I should support her, even if she acknowledges she did the wrong thing (which she kind of does), as she has supported me in past difficult times (true). I've heard nothing from DSis partner who is at the bottom of all this and who sent me the horrible email. I don't particularly want to ever see him, but I don't want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also don't want to betray my son's trust.

What do I do? Son or Sister? Wedding - yes or no?

OP posts:
Schoolaroundthecorner · 17/03/2015 13:30

The thing is that even if the DS was a complete pain in the arse when there, surely based on their past relationship your sister could've defended having him there for a few days. I'm just thinking what I might say to my DH- something like 'yes he is being awful isn't he? But he's my nephew and I love him and it's only for a couple of days. Put up with it for my sake please.' That's why it seems to me the DP is controlling/abusive.

I think this hits the nail on the head. Even if your son was a pain I'd still have managed for a few days if in that situation, for family reasons alone. I'd never kick out a family member unless they were abusive/destructive in some way which definitely doesn't seem to apply here.

LulaMayBrown · 17/03/2015 13:30

Thank you for writing the post I was trying to write Quangle.

As someone with a really complex family I have seen us all tied in knots by personality clashes, secrets and lies etc. There is usually never a 'wrong' or a 'right'. Sometimes all you can do is not feed the fire and to try and wipe the slate clean.

Of course, this is assuming the Dsis partner is not truly abusive. If he is, that's a whole different story. But I don't think we've had enough info here to fully make that assumption yet.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:30

Yes, that's what I think. No matter how hideous a family guest was being surely you could just suck it up for a few days? I agree that I think the DP had a no-visit agenda right from the beginning and was spoiling for a fight and a reason to get him out.

For those who've asked, they've been together 3 years and I've met him once for dinner (when he was visiting the UK for work - not with DSis).

OP posts:
LulaMayBrown · 17/03/2015 13:32

What was he like when you met him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2015 13:34

Even though you have only met him the one time, what was your overall impression of him?.

I sincerely hope that the following is not the case but it is not beyond the realms of possibility here with regards to your sister's partner and his feelings towards her family:-

"The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home".

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:34

Also, regarding isolating her, they visited Europe late last year and normally we would ALWAYS get together, no matter where we were. But he didn't want to take a side trip to England (they were in Spain), so we weren't able to see each other, which I was really sad about. I couldn't get time off work to go to them.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 17/03/2015 13:34

I would suggest to your DS that while not condoning DSiS or her partner's actions you wish to go along on the grounds that you suspect her partner might be abusive and seeking to isolate her, and attending would help you to suss him out and show your sister that you are there for her.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:36

When I met him he was ok. Very much a social type person, chatting away to waiters etc. It was friendly enough. Although that was when he sprang on me the news that they were visiting Europe together later in the year, but that she wouldn't be seeing me. I was deeply upset but kind of swallowed it down in the context of being out to dinner with my BIL2B.

OP posts:
LulaMayBrown · 17/03/2015 13:38

As to the Europe thing - I wouldn't hold that against him.

I lived in the US for a while and had many people upset with us because when we went back to the UK for a visit we didn't have time/energy to go up to Scotland to see my DB or across to France to see my aunt. I had done this the previous time and went back to the US a complete exhausted mess.
It's quite a schlep from Spain to the UK.
But if you truly feel he is controlling her, again, a gentle phone call would be just the hand-held-out she would need.

slithytove · 17/03/2015 13:38

Son and he shouldnt have had to ask, it should have been automatic after your sister and bil2b's terrible behaviour.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:40

I have spoken to my DSis, by the way, we have had several long Skype conversations. She has flip-flopped between admitting she did something wrong and saying she was going to apologise, to now (latest iteration) to saying she has nothing to apologise for. I'm thinking she mentioned to DP that we'd talked and that she was going to smooth things over, and that he has told he she is not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:42

LulaMay - I would basically agree with that, except that they were on a six week luxury holiday in Italy, France and Spain, so there was time really.

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 17/03/2015 13:43

i would stand by your son, if you feel he is truly innocent. Young kids can be self centered and it is hard for those who never had kids understand that. Unless she feel he was abusive to her. Then I can understand where she is coming from. if he wasn't and they are trash talking about him, I would avoid them for awhile because I know it's your son and you love him.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:44

DSis has a lot invested in this relationship - big social status (the celebrity thing), house, related job. So I think even if it's bad she won't admit it to herself.

OP posts:
LulaMayBrown · 17/03/2015 13:45

Ah. In which case, that's quite a long time not to pop over. I'd be pretty sad if my sis didn't make the effort if they were that close for that amount of time too.

whoopsbunny · 17/03/2015 13:46

I would side with my son, every single time. Sounds desperately sad though.

Maybe you can take the wedding day out of the equation in your mind for a bit?

You can visit your son, and visit/express your support for your sister (in the context of being there for her, if she is in an abusive relationship) without actually attending the wedding.

Equally, maybe you can attend the wedding (maybe the ceremony/ not the reception?) without being disloyal to your son- you can explain to him that you are on his side, but that you can't miss your sister's wedding.

How would your sister react to you not going to the wedding? Would it cause a rift? I realise that possibly-abusive-partner may well be able to use it against you, to turn your sis against you.

Actually, having typed all that out - I've realised I just couldn't go the the wedding of someone that chucked my son out on the street. I just couldn't -the thought of what happened to him is really upsetting me Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2015 13:46

I think her man has well and truly manipulated her unfortunately; she is well under his influence/spell now. He's probably told her something like their love is special and that its them against the world or some such BS.
Such men also can be very plausible to those in the outside world but I think that if you had been able to spend say a week with them, he may have slipped up.

I would also think that he was the main reason you and she did not meet up when they were in Spain; he did not want you to see each other. Spain is also a 2/3 hour flight away from the UK; its not a huge distance by any means.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:47

I know what you're saying Blueberry - she doesn't have kids and I think this makes her perspective different. I told her in the last Skype call I had to put my son first and she was crying and saying "why do you always have to put X first? Why is it always about X? I'm your sister and you should support me, it's my wedding day." But for me, as a mother, I think my son DOES come first, and I wouldn't be being a good mother if he didn't. And I know he is now in his early 20s but so what, he's still my son.

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 17/03/2015 13:51

I do want to say that, your son shouldn't make you feel you have to choose though.

I think just going to the wedding alone is good idea. no ceremony or social events with your sis

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2015 13:53

"why do you always have to put X first? Why is it always about X?"

I would have put the same question to her about her man, he started all this re your son and had him thrown out of their home. Your sister's man was itching for a fight and engineered the whole thing.

What about her loyalty to you as her sister?. I would think that sadly she would choose him over you all now; she is that controlled by him.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:54

Thanks whoopsbunny - your last paragraph says it all.

Everyone's comments have been amazing, thank you. You've really helped. You're right, I don't think I can go to this wedding. But now my mum's going to have a complete nervous breakdown and do the "how can you do this to me in my final days" thing…"my family is all I have and now it's ruined" etc.
Aargh. I don't want any of this. I love ALL my family :(

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 17/03/2015 13:56

On the face of it the DP's actions are horrific and an awful, dangerous way to treat a young person in a foreign country.

But, I would want an exact narrative of what happened from DS, as there must be more to it...

It is also worth bearing in mind that many a MN thread about awful family members/houseguests/au-pairs has concluded in a recommendation to tell them to leave right then, so it is not entirely surprising that he took drastic steps when 'strong opinions' were exchanged.

Original poster
greencottage · 17/03/2015 13:56

Yes, you're right Attila. All those comments apply in reverse. She DID choose him over us/DS. She openly admitted it when I said to her that she had sacrificed DS to DP (using those words).

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 17/03/2015 13:56

I suspect her DP deliberately brought up the Europe but no visit trip when you were out in public and jovially to make it difficult for you to show your understandable hurt.

It's probably easier for your DSiS to make you and DS the bad guys than confront her DP.

YellowTulips · 17/03/2015 13:56

I think little can be gained from long distance comms at this point.

I'd go to AUS with the intention of attending the wedding and speak face to face with your sister.

Gut feel is she's the one that actually needs your support right now and you need to gently tell your son this.

I'm not excusing the behaviour but it feels strongly that she is being manipulated and a family rift is exactly what her future partner wants (a point that might resonate with your son). As such not attending is totally counter productive.