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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
Original poster
mariam101 · 20/03/2015 20:17

Hi everyone just thought I'd update I'm in a place where the refuge owns some property n I am In a house with the kids we all ok and just so glad I did it I already feel a sigh of relief it's finally over I'm definatly never goin back again. When my oldest daughter realised that her dad isn't going to be coming she cried her eyes out but she will hopefully be ok. Thank u all for the support

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 20/03/2015 20:25

So very well done, mariam - what a truly exhausting last few days for you all.

I hope you and the kids get some sleep tonight.

elderflowergin · 20/03/2015 20:27

Thank goodness you are there and safe, I had read the thread earlier and was so hoping you would say that you had arrived.
Well done, you are so brave and an inspiration Flowers I wish you and your children all the best xx

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 20/03/2015 20:29

Thank God.
I'm so relieved.
Try to relax and sleep tonight.

CunningCat · 20/03/2015 20:30

Fantastic to hear from you. You deserve a medal for your bravery! Your kids will adjust with time. I'm so relieved you are ok Smile

tipsytrifle · 20/03/2015 20:30

Oh wow

You are awesome in the extreme!!!

You damn well did it, after all the abuse and mad imprisonment, you did it, you are free! You have been blessed in the end with phenomenal support from people in real life who recognised what a shit shit shit situation you were in. I cannot tell you the joy I am feeling for you right now!

The kids may go through emotional and difficult phases because, of course, you have left familiarity behind. Bear with it. Hopefully more help regarding adjusting to everything will be offered. Changing school may be one of those adjustments. He can't be allowed to get them. You may have changed area already but please don't disclose on here.

You are free dear Mariam. I am in awe of you.

StarFlowersStarFlowersStarFlowersStar

Phoenixashes · 20/03/2015 20:33

So glad you posted.

So, so glad that you are ok.

The PP is right your daughter will be ok. She is bound to be upset. However, this environment was not right for any of you. Take any support that is offered for them.

Phoenixashes · 20/03/2015 20:35

I agree with the PP. Your eldest will and should change schools. Hoping that the refuge will advice accordingly. Also get SS on board.

Phoenixashes · 20/03/2015 20:36

'Advise accordingly'

kittenwrestler · 20/03/2015 20:36

Wow - utter fabulousness. You are free. Best news I've had for a long time.

CunningCat · 20/03/2015 20:39

Sound advice, do not disclose on here where you are x

SunnyNights · 20/03/2015 20:55

I have been lurking and was refreshing the page to see how you are doing, what a relief that you are safe. You have made the very best choice for you and your children. You should feel very proud of your strength today.

serin · 20/03/2015 20:55

Well done, been thinking about you all day.

Today is the start of your new happy life Smile

Jayne1958 · 20/03/2015 20:59

Mariam, been lurking and am so proud of what you have done. I am in birmingham, if you need help or just a chat please pm me.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 20/03/2015 21:06

I'm so happy for and proud of you Mariam.
You've done the hardest part and your DCs will soon adapt.

Take all the good advice, stay safe and look after yourself and your little ones.
You're doing an amazing job.
Flowers

sakura · 20/03/2015 21:09

Wow, safe and sound in a house with all your children! You're amazing! It will obviously be hard because your ex will up his antes but you're away from him and in your own place and the psychological difference that will make to you cannot be underestimated. You are no longer "his". And I'm not sure if I read right earlier in the thread, but I think I saw you say his brother sleeps in your house??? And your children were kept away from you and with his mother. Utterly unbearable psychological abuse. They had waged psychological warfare against you.
Sleep soundly tonight. xx

MissMuesli · 20/03/2015 21:33

Marium!!! FlowersFlowers that's so wonderful to read! I hope your sleep so peacefully tonight. As for your daughter, being upset will be very normal but she will be ok. She may not understand now but you have done the absolute best thing for her by leaving an abusive relationship. You are such a brilliant role model for her!

How are you? Are you feeling ok? Xx

GallicGarlic · 20/03/2015 21:35

I've been reading but not posting, mariam. You're getting excellent support here, and BSWA seems like the right organisation to hold you up and keep you safe while you start your own life. I'm so proud of you! You'll get yourself back, and your children will grow up with safety & love Flowers
Wishing you all the very, very best.

ferretyfeet · 20/03/2015 21:36

Mariam,I rarely comment on here but your situation has given me shivers up my spine. I think your are incredibly courageous and I salute you and wish you and your children all the very best for the future and wish you a long and peaceful life.

rubyshoes3 · 20/03/2015 22:24

Mariam I am so proud of you. You have set yourself free. Your children will adjust. Just always remember this is the best for you and your children. You are no longer a prisoner in your own home. Reading your post took me back to my sisters situation and as I mentioned before she is doing really well now.

EmilyMaitliss · 20/03/2015 23:26

Another one here who just wants to say well done Mariam, you are amazing. The strength it must have taken to do it.... I too was so worried when you were at school but things weren't moving fast - thought they might be stalling deliberately. So, so utterly relieved that you have all four children with you and that you are safe.
We'll done all you fabulous mumsnetters giving lovely calm, sound advice but not overwhelming her at this terrifying time. Very best wishes to the five of you Flowers

I also wanted to say very moving post Fingers.

EmilyMaitliss · 20/03/2015 23:28

I didn't mean five mn's of course. mariam + four miniMariams ....

springydaffs · 21/03/2015 00:58

So delighted to hear you and the children are safe, Mariam. Well done for what you did today, it must have been so frightening - but you did it! Well done, well done, well done Flowers Flowers Flowers

You've' done the very best thing for your children. If you hadn't got out your girls would have had the same fate. Doesn't bear thinking about does it

I hope, we all hope, you are OK. Your emotions may swing about a bit in days to come but hold on, it will pass quite quickly and the bliss of being freeeeee wll be along soon.

So proud of you. You've done a great thing today xxxx

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 21/03/2015 08:26

I'm soooo glad that you all have somewhere to stay but as mentioned earlier, don't disclose any further information, you never know who's reading.

It's understandable that your dd is feeling that way, to her he's "daddy", not the monster you've been in fear of but it will soon pass and she'll realise that the life you're all beginning is far far different (and better) to the one before. For a start, you're all together! Lots of reassuring hugs and kisses will help.

I am extremely proud of you and your courage to escape (I knew you could do it). As I said before, your children will be too as they grow up.

X

tipsytrifle · 21/03/2015 09:00

Have you had some advice about the next few days or is something planned for you on Monday? Just asking because it would not be wise to send the DC back to their school. Even if the school was told not to release them to him if/when he turned up to snatch them, it's a situation best avoided. A few days off school might be a nice bonus surprise for them!

How are you feeling today mariam?