Any other 44 year-old virgins out there ?

[vienna1981]

I'm one (male) . How does it feel ? It's something I think about every day, like a rite of passage from youth that simply passed me by.

Do think a parenting website is the right place to ask about virgins?

I don't see why not. MN isn't exclusively about parenting and this is the Relationships section. Seems appropriate enough to me.

I just think you are unlikely to find any 44 year old virgins on a site where the vast majority are parents and of the minority who aren't, a very tiny minority are likely to be virgins.

I'm not being unsympathetic, I just don't think you are going to find many.

Didn't a mother post about her Virgin son a couple of days ago

I should add I think he was 40 odd too

Have you tried reddit?

I would think that someone born in 1981 would be 34, not 44.

vienna1981 is just my MN moniker. I was born in 71.

I'll look at Reddit. Thankyou.

Any particular reason why you've never had a relationship?

I really hope you're not a troll, if you are then I can see why you're still a virgin.

ROAR I am not a troll and I am telling the truth. I suspect I have just been very unlucky in my private life so far.

"How does it feel ?"

This seems like a very strange post to me!

I suggest you go on a sex website and discuss it there.

Wasn't 1981 the year Ultravox released the song Vienna?

Sorry, OP- I don't have anything more helpful to say. I have a friend who is in a similar situation and the longer it goes on, the bigger and more insurmountable an obstacle it seems to become.

Yes it was SaucyJack. Thankyou for your candid response .

Wow, kinda harsh welcome there.

OP, have you just never met "the one", and want it to be something special? Or has no occasion ever come up at all?

Is there a reason you think you haven't paired up?

For what it's worth, my partner was 32 when he met me and fairly certain he was a virgin. If he hadn't met me, he probably still could be and he's 38 now. I can see how it can happen.

roland83. I think my difficulties are easy to spot but not so easy to overcome. I have little self-confidence, was somewhat smothered as a child and am socially phobic to the extent I rarely socialise with more than one or two people. I find it difficult to relax and get anxious over relatively minor matters. I was screened for Aspergers Syndrome four years ago but it was disproved. However I do suffer from mild to moderate depression for much of the time. I'm taking citalopram for an indefinite period - my idea and the doctor agreed.

I'd be amazed if anyone found that lot attractive .

Doesn't citalopram lower libido? Bit of a double whammy there.

Have you ever tried any therapies for your social anxiety? CBT can be very good for helping control anxiety. In some areas you can get it on the NHS.

So, possible borderline Asperger's, anxiety, moderate depression? All sounds pretty normal to me, Vienna! Don't underrate yourself.

Honestly, I'm not mocking. Most of my family have at least one clinical-sized mental health problem. One of the extended family is quite possibly in your exact position -- I'm not quite close enough to them to ask.

With respect, I don't think you can explain something like this with a litany of generic labels. Many people are given such diagnosis's but have no trouble forming sexual attachments. This is a very specific problem that is probably more a consequence of low self-esteem. Have you sought any counselling at all?

I can sort of a relate, because I'm a survivor of abuse which made sexual development really difficult, and although I did have a (not great) adult experience in my late teens, I didn't have sex at all throughout my twenties. However, this was a bit different in that I didn't want sex and actively avoided it to the point of not washing to make myself as unattractive as possible.

Your situation is probably nowhere near as uncommon as you think though.

Not 44, but I got into my thirties without having ever done the deed.

It was awful; absolutely crippling. Everyone else has done it, why haven't you?!

Every interaction with the opposite sex became grotesquely poisoned by this nagging insistence that if I just said and did the right things, I might be able to Have Sex With Her.

I was completely unable to have any sort of female friend because of this. My female relationships were all just placeholder potential shags.

I'd manipulate relationships, jostling to position myself are the Right One, the Fallback (now known as the 'nice guy routine', rightly pilloried.) It was shameful.

And I couldn't ignore it, or get over it. My rational mind drowned insisting it didn't matter, that I'd find someone and all would be well. Every dating site ad, every wedding photo or date night photo gallery felt like a direct stab, mortifying me.

In the end, it all came good. I met a lovely girl, things moved in the right direction, without weird manipulations. We just clicked. I was embarrassed to tell her she was my first, she didn't care in the slightest. It got better and better from there.

A few years passed and things didn't work out. The second was even better. And so much easier, without that awful sexual Albatross distorting everything I said and did. I know it's a cliche, and me circa-2006 would flat out refuse to acknowledge it, but it's hard to believe it was such a big deal.

Advice? Are you in good health? Are you active? Social? These are the healthiest ways you can 'prepare'. Laying groundwork for a better you makes relationships easier to slot into.

You don't have to be a fashion model, hitting up museums every night but just doing things means you'll be so much more fore-armed, when a potential right one comes along. If she's smart and nice, she won't care in the slightest. :)

Roark,what a lovely post, I'm glad you found happiness in the end.

Vienna, apologies for my previous post, I somehow thought you might be on here to get sexual kicks because you asked us what it was like to have sex, but now you have explained your situation, I understand the difficulties you've been having.

I agree with the others that counselling might be the best way forward for you. I wish you well and hope you are able to find a solution.

I think you need some counselling tbh.

Change is scary so you have got to really want to change, I found this book helpful for overcoming anxiety helpful self help

I would suggest you get yourself some good therapy and start to think about dating websites

Vienna (incidentally the best single to never get to number1......) are you worried about never experiencing the sex or the intimacy that comes with the deed?

Roark that is such a wonderful, honest and heart warming post and I hope it gives vienna confidence that the same thing can and will happen to him one day.

Thankyou everyone. Some very frank words to read.

I tried CBT a few years ago. The therapist was a fully qualified clinical psychologist but was only in training to be a CBT practitioner. Consequently he was still finding his feet and I evidently didn't understand his instructions for my weekly homework. So there was never really a meeting of minds.

It's the whole question of the sex act that bothers me. Obviously I know the biology from school sex-ed lessons but that's all. I feel these are matters I should have begun to learn about nearly thirty years ago.

To clarify, I wasn't asking what sex is like. I was asking if anyone else on MN shares at least some of my predicament by not yet having done the deed.
I should add, although it may come as no surprise, that I haven't started dating yet. I have asked for dates and always been turned down.