Any other 44 year-old virgins out there ?

[vienna1981]

I'm one (male) . How does it feel ? It's something I think about every day, like a rite of passage from youth that simply passed me by.

The one piece of advice I will give you is to completely avoid websites for "love-shy" or those pathetic "POA" forums. They are poisoned, and they self-perpetuate loneliness and lack of relationships by turning lonely men into hateful, self-obsessed, self-pitying, women-hating twats. Becoming part of those communities is almost a guarantee you will not only continue to be a virgin, but you will turn into a monster too.

One of my best friends is your age and a virgin. It just hasn't happened for him. He keeps trying. Yes, there are many out there.

As far as the actual mechanics go..... I can only speak from a woman's perspective, but the basics do and will come very naturally when you're in a position where you need to "perform" if that's what makes you anxious. We're biologically programmed to know what to put where. It's like scratching an itch.

Actually, let me give you a second piece of advice: one very important reason for your some men's lack of "success" is that attitude of manipulation and "wanting to do anything I need to please her" to every girl. Women have a very acute sixth sense to detect guys who are behaving in a way which is not authentic, and the resulting impression comes back as "creepy", which completely turns a woman off. In order to find a woman who is compatible with you, you will need to stop caring what they think about you and just behave the way you are, which is very hard once you have got into the routine of "trying to please". Yes, a number of women will not like you, but this is a reality in the world, and one you need to become comfortable with: a lot of people may not like you. But by behaving in an authentic way, you will greatly increase your chances of finding those 1 or 2 who may like you.

The other thing about female psyche that often baffles men is that women truly are not thinking about having sex with every man they meet. We are perfectly happy having male friends without any sexual connotation. If you come to us portraying yourself as "the good guy" and "the friend", we will treat you accordingly. If you want sex, you will have to show it too. In order for a woman to want to have sex with you, she needs to find you sexy and titillating. "Friends" do not turn us on.

*the "your" in the first sentence should not be there.

Thanks aurynne. I read your post with much interest. I admit I have several times fallen into the trap of second-guessing a woman's likes, needs, desires etc at the expense of being myself. And sometimes I have come away from the most casual encounter feeling confused. I will never be a woman-hating monster because of that though. I hope not. Bitterness is easy but it can turn to wallowing .

I am in my late thirties, female, and I've never had sex. It is a huge taboo, I have never admitted it to anyone in real life, but I'm sure close friends could guess.
The thought of doing it actually quite freaks me out now, so much of it (sex) seems to be a mind game, as much about confidence and desire as it is about anything physical.
Even if I met someone I wanted to have sex with, I'm so inexperienced it would be embarrassing. I have been thinking about getting some counselling but have held off as I'm not sure what I'd want the outcome to be as to be honest, I'm not sure if I ever do want to have sex. I am nervous about posting this, but I just wanted to share my perspective.

Vienna (incidentally the best single to never get to number1 after Marillions 1985 Kayleigh......)
I would join a few local clubs and chat to ladies there. Try put sex to back of your mind and just enjoy raised confidence chatting to females at a craft club or art club, or book club or film club.

One of my best friends is a 37 year old virgin. She is painfully shy, and has never even been on a date (has never asked anyone out, nor ever been asked). She would love a relationship but the older she gets the harder she finds it to know where to begin. You are not alone.

I am sorry it didn't work out for you with the therapist. I really think you need to persevere with CBT, find another therapist. Don't give up

I'll probably get flamed here - but if it's something you "think about every day, plus "It's the whole question of the sex act that bothers" you. Why not discretely visit a "professional lady".

ROAR I am not a troll and I am telling the truth. I suspect I have just been very unlucky in my private life so far.

Sometimes you have to make your own luck, or push yourself a bit more.

If dating isn't working for you, and losing your virginity is something you want to do, meeting someone in a club and a ONS might work. Although at 44 you might feel a bit out of place. I am pretty sure men who struggle to meet women do this.

The thing is, I kind of lack a lot of sympathy, because I know a few men who are either like you or very similar to you, and they had lots of opportunities with women when they were younger and always turned them down (myself included), yet now in their late thirties and forties constantly complain about not having a girlfriend, being single, how women aren't interested, etc..

Sometimes you have to take the initiative a bit more. I agree CBT should help.

DrMorbius. No way. I refuse to pay for what the rest of the world gets for free. If this means I spend the rest of my life in a state of virginity then so be it. There is a line I won't cross .

Is that a moral judgement Vienna ir are you looking to have a ltr ?

Humansatnav. I am sorry but I don't know what you mean.

lts = long term relationship

vienna, have you ever been assess for social phobia?
Like most phobias it can be very successfully treated with psychological therapies, even in CBT previously was not successful for you.

I think it is crucially important to be attractive to a potential partner, that you love yourself - not in a 'he's full of himself' kinda way, but accepting lovingly who you are and being ok with that.
That's where confidence comes from; it has nothing/v little to do with looks or 'doing the right thing'.

Social anxiety disorder

Have a look and see if you recognise yourself?

Fair enough, it was just a suggestion if the "act" itself is causing you such anxiety and grief. The daily drain on your mental resources must be exhausting.

Pacific. Thanks for the link. This is something I've looked into before. I don't tick all the boxes but I think some sort of social phobia is on the cards. I have been screened for Aspergers Syndrome and I was told I didn't have it. However I wasn't told what I MIGHT be suffering from.

Thanks Morbius. I get by. I'm just in a state of permanent casual wonderment .

My dh was a 'late starter' and I genuinely had no idea at the time. He told me I was his first about 6 months after and I felt (don't want to sound too cheesy) really special that he chose me. In this day and age you're more likely to find people who have been round the block so it's nice to experience things with someone who hasn't.

I hope something changes before long. I just feel so conspicuous and different, even if it isn't obvious to others.

You need to proactively do something about the situation, what do you think about finding a therapist that specializes in social anxiety?

Timetoask. Fine with me, provided it's local and on the NHS. I've used private counselling before and it's very expensive.

Vienna (incidentally the best single to never get to number1 after Marillions 1985 Kayleigh......)

Kept off number one by Shaddupa Your Face, IIRC.