Any other 44 year-old virgins out there ?

[vienna1981]

I'm one (male) . How does it feel ? It's something I think about every day, like a rite of passage from youth that simply passed me by.

Well if you don't watch films or TV or own a computer or have any hobbies WTF do you do all day when you are not at work?

Come on, there is a whole world of fun stuff and lovely people out there. go get 'em. Start with something, anything, but for crying out loud just start.

Nothing will change until you do.

Matilda. I have my own home. A one bedroom flat with a mortgage I should have paid off in ten years.

Vienna,

I really feel for you, it must be really hard to force yourself to find hobbies just so you can meet people...

Has there ever been a time where you thought something you did made a difference with regards to meeting someone?

"Nothing will change until you do."

Although I do agree with this, with regards to the OP surely if he "changes" just to meet someone then he won't be the real him. Therefore will that person still likes him when he goes back to be himself.

Maybe he is happy with the person he is and doesn't want to change.

Not arguing, just considering that point.

@roland83, it's a good point. During my most furious Unicorn-riding years I clung to that idea, that I wasn't getting dates because I wouldn't "lower" myself (!!!) to the social common denominator. I wouldn't change myself, wouldn't sell out or be untrue to myself because I had INTEGRITY.

Whatever!

Turns out I'm still me, just me with a broader taste, me who has seen and done more things. A better me, if you will.

The thing is, you have to change if you want to be a part of the wonderful, terrible, romantic dating madness.

You can learn the rules and join the race, or you can sit apart and never get involved. You simply cannot have both. Lovely ladies are not going to knock on the door of your hovel and proposition you.

One of my friends was a 44-year-old virgin :) Lovely chap - so lovely, he didn't want to be having meaningless sex or using women to - er, shed his burden. There were definitely some oddities in his background, but I never found out (I assumed smothering mothering.) Anyway, some time around the age of 46 he met The One, acquired a sex life, and they're still married.

All that standard advice about liking yourself; sharing time, activities and conversation with like-minded people of both sexes; deciding not to obsess about sex, and venturing out of your comfort zone ... is standard because it's sensible!

Having just done a very quick search, vienna, you seem to be quite an expert on music & cinema. Am I right? Joining some film clubs and going to gigs would be a start.

Dare I ask what Unicorn-riding is?

I guess the sex part is the red herring really, doesn't sound like you even get the opportunity to meet/date women.

Getting yourself some broadband and a laptop might be cheaper than paying privately for counselling

Sorry to be flippant, but I think you need to look at what's not working for you and how to change that.
Fwiw I don't think that there is a compelling reasons why you 'must' have sex, but you clearly do and that's find and dandy. But whatever it is you are currently doing is not working for you, so change.
Get out there.
There's plenty of popular culture that I intensively dislike, but there's also loads that is quite interesting and some v good stuff.

You do need to get out there and form some human relationships, with men AND women. Develop some relationships, friendly ones, hobby-related ones, romantic ones which MAY or may not lead to sexual contact.

I think you need to stop at looking what you are NOT good at (or look at them and change them) and develop your positives. Or you need to stop looking (and who knows, you might put women less off if the 'scent' of desperation is not as strong).

Do you think you batting all suggestions away as 'not working' is actually a way to feel secure behind this 'wall' of unsuccessful attempts??
I think you've had loads of v good suggestions here - tell us, which one are you going to implement first?

Although I do agree with this, with regards to the OP surely if he "changes" just to meet someone then he won't be the real him. Therefore will that person still likes him when he goes back to be himself.

Yes - theoretically true. BUT - we're not saying OP should fundamentally change who he is, but just broaden his horizons a bit. Develop his interests. Working, and an occasional solitary drink, walk or swim does sound rather lonely. The thing is, life doesn't just come and sit in your lap - you have to make your own life.

There must be some things, vienna, that you think "I've always wanted to try that". What about family? Brothers and sisters? Cousins? Neighbours?

Two of my younger sisters have had serious boyfriends that they met through socialising with my brother.

I didn't mean he should change as a person roland, I meant that nothing about his current situation can change until he makes an effort to do more with his life. He can't find someone to have sex with until he starts meeting women in social settings and at the moment he's not even doing that, by the sounds of things.

A young woman I used to work with until recently (of whom I was particularly fond) often remarked on this. I miss her hugely

This sounds like a very positive relationship - she obviously liked you if you made her laugh, and you obviously liked her. Was she, in your opinion, too young for you? Was she taken? If not have you thought about contacting her and meeting up for a coffee?
I think you sound lovely by the way, with a lot more to give than most of the dick heads who feature far too often in the various threads on here!

By all means join clubs and develop interests for your own sake- but don't get too hung up on doing so in the pursuit of finding a partner.

First and foremost, women can spot a bloke who's only doing something in the hope of a shag a mile off. It never has been and never will be an attractive quality.

And secondly.... plenty of boring people get girl/boyfriends, let's be honest- tho that's not to say that having a genuine passion or talent for something won't be attractive to someone.

I know you've said you've asked women out on dates, but I'm willing to bet you have some kind of block up somewhere that's stopping things from moving on at a natural pace. Perhaps it's simply lack of experience, or it might be something deeper.

Sorry, but have you see the movie "40 years old virgin?" I almost thought this post was going to be about that movie.

It's a good movie, btw, and have good moral to the story.... be yourself and relax and don't worry what other people think.

Thankyou everybody. That's a lot of info to digest. I'm up early tomorrow morning so I can't give a detailed reply just now. Hopefully I will be able to give this thread more attention tomorrow .

I know a man well into his forties who was a virgin. Met a divorced woman . A friend introduced them and theyve been together 8-9 Years now.

He was a quiet introvert . Life sort of passing him by kind of bloke. Just a really nice, old fashioned a bit quaint kind of guy.

They both seem very happy. He moved in years ago.

It can happen. Hope you meet a nice lady. Just thinking. I think he must have been nearly 50 when they met.

I don't condone prostitution either - but I wonder whether this has become such a HUGE mental block for you that it is actually stopping you forming relationships.

You could be a rare case in which going to a prostitute might actually be the best thing you could do for you. Or (as a "modern" alternative) just going to a pickup bar, get blind drunk and find a woman in the same zone.

Normally, I'd be advocating that your first time should matter and be special, no matter you age. But given that you are 44 and the way you write about it, I wonder if it has become such an enormous albatross for you that you can't see round this great huge uncontrollable flapping bird that dominates your entire field of vision.

It will be a great obstacle to forming a relationship if all you are seeing when you interact with any woman is SHE WHO CAN LIFT THE CURSE.

I have become stuck in something of a rut over the years to the point where I have more of an existence than a life.

I think you need to find your life fulfilling in some way. That can be friends and family, your job, a hobby, some charitable cause or, well, lots of other things. People who enjoy their lives and get satisfaction from them will always be more attractive to potential partners than those who don't. It's a big part of not coming across as desperate. Everybody is turned down when asking somebody out at least once in their lives, and for most people, much more often. Those who are happy in other aspects of their lives shrug it off. Having sex should not be the only important part of anybody's life.

If you take care of your appearance, the next thing to do is to make sure you are giving yourself opportunities to meet partners. Then you have to flirt with them and ask them out. And people are more likely to want to date someone who seems to enjoy his life, has many interests and flirts with them than someone who seems to exist rather than live, has few interests (that they show), frowns all the time, and is desperate, even if he can sometimes make them laugh out loud.

OP, I agree that the best way to improve your life is to to put the sex thing to one side for a bit and concentrate on making friendships. Yes, sex is great and everything, but there are so many other things that women (and men for that matter!) have to offer you. If you build up a circle of friendships your life will be so much happier, and the sex thing may just come along naturally further down the line. Sex seems like such a big thing when you haven't done it, but it doesn't need to be. Concentrate on finding like-minded people in whatever arena interests you, and enjoy having friendships with women for friendships-sake, not for the remote possibility of sex further down the line.

Now then...

Chandler. Moaning is something I'm good at. I have to be in the right frame of mind to take action.

Whoopsbunny. The thing with TV and films is that I have a short attention span so I get bored and restless quickly. Not helped by living in such a small flat. Cabin fever strikes.

I have three older brothers and three sisters, all married and with numerous children between them. I don't see that much of them as they mostly live in other parts of the country. Dad is still alive and well and lives locally. Mum died last year. My neighbours are largely elderly and everyone keeps themselves to themselves. I promise I am not making this up !

Roark. I don't live in a hovel. I cook for myself quite adequately but I can't bear programmes where people are judged by others on a basic domestic skill, as on the likes of Masterchef. I like the Keith Floyd and Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall programmes.

Lancellottie. My work is unskilled labour which wouldn't transfer easily to repair and maintenance tasks.

Matilda. I don't buy a newspaper but I do read one if I come across one. I watch the national and local news every day.

GallicGarlic. I like music from the mid-fifties to the mid-eighties, some jazz, classical and Northern Soul. I'm not a cinema fan by any means. In fact I haven't been to the cinema for nearly twenty years !

roland83. I agree. Absence of sex is just the tip of the iceberg. My workplace is massively male-dominated. All the PYTs work elsewhere on site and are about half my age. My home area tends to be dominated by elderly folk as well.

Pacific Dogwood. If anything is driving my apparent quest for sex, it's simple curiosity. What am I missing and why/how have I missed it so far ? Am I normal or a bit strange ? But sex is NOT the be-all and end-all. It may appear that I am desperate for leg-over but I'm not. Just curious.

Blueberry. I haven't seen the 40 Year Old Virgin. Might be a bit too close for comfort !

I am grateful for everyone's advice and encouragement. Some folk say I should be myself and some say try something different or broaden my outlook. I guess only I can be the judge of what works for me. But let me reiterate again, I am not desperate for a f**k. If it happens tomorrow, terrific, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it .

Vienna you sound really lovely.

Thankyou jasper. Not often I receive such praise .