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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 14:15

No, you're going to go home sick from work now, call your brother, pack his stuff into bags and put it outside the door.
Then you're going to text him to come and pick his shit up.
You can either double lock the doors and go out, or double lock the doors and stay in, but only if your brother is with you.

Dog - difficult one - don't worry about that right now, it's not the biggest issue you have.

currentnameinuse · 14/03/2015 14:16

leave his stuff and dog on your doorstep I think. Or drop them all at his Mum's? And then change your locks.

Charley50 · 14/03/2015 14:17

If you feel scared I think you should involve the police if you know you are both going to be at your place at the same time. It's a domestic, they can wait with you while he takes his stuff.
Can you get locks on way home? Or lock door from inside once he's gone and sort it tomorrow with your dear brother.

Roussette · 14/03/2015 14:18

How far away is your brother? Is there anyway you could get him to pick you up from work whilst you do all this - there is nothing like someone covering your back and supporting you whilst you are trying to cope with this.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 14:19

Ok calm down.

It's GOOD that he's not taking it seriously, because it will be far better to do this slightly differently. Don't be insistent now, don't try and get it across to him that you really mean it - because there is a real risk that he will damage your stuff or do something else to punish you while you are at work.

Ignore his messages. Can you call your brother and ask for his help, ask him to come over and home with you after work? If so, go home with your brother in tow and ask him then to get his stuff and go away over the weekend to give you space. Then when he's gone, get the rest of his stuff, pack up, change locks and drop his stuff at his mum's with your brother there for protection. Then no contact and any funny business tell him he'll have your brother and the police to answer to.

If your brother can't come straight away, text him that you are sick of the arguing and need space. You weren't going out anyway because you don't feel well and now you are sure you just want some time alone. With any luck he'll think you're just having a meltdown and will agree to go out, thinking he's just pushed his luck a bit far and he'll back off for now. Except, as soon as he's gone you pack his stuff, change the locks, and text him the next morning telling him his stuff will be outside, locks are changed, your brother is on the way over and FUCK OFF and if you don't I'll be straight on to the police.

Keep him thinking he can blow this over until you have him agree to be OUT of the house for long enough for you to pack and change locks.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 14:24

I've just Pm'd you where I live, in case I am near enough to help at all. Please don't tell us on here where you live (or where I do!)

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 14:25

We are all here supporting you, stay strong, you CAN handle this!

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:28

Ah.

I think it was von Moltke who said something along the lines of 'The best battle plan only lasts as long as the first engagement with hostile forces'. You've now engaged - but you've thought about things a lot since last night which is excellent.

I seem to recall that your brother was only planning to go out drinking tonight. Any chance you could phone him and get him to go in that front door with you? Or another friend perhaps?

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:33

He keeps ringing my phone now he's left a voicemail saying im sorry here we go. I'm going home from work now I can Chubb lock the door he hasn't got that key only the Yale lock key I've got the dog issue im thinking about that I can't leave him out the front im going to leave the dog for now leave his shit in the porch for now im going to just Chubb lock the door and go to my moms for the day all I can think to do I can leave here at three Ive spoke to boss told him something has come up and I have to lock up at three he was ok with it. He's at work at the moment which is an hour away and finishes at three I live right by my work so I've got some time to play with

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:34

Like others have said let him just think this is a melt down let him go out I think that's the best way actually as I can sort his stuff out and the dog out and pack his things tonight

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 14/03/2015 14:37

Glad to read that it is over.

Don't feel embarrassed about your time with him or how he has treated you and your children. Only feel embarrassed if you take him back as he won't ever change.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:37

My tummy is actually hurting and rolling Over he knows he's pushed it he's panicking.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:38

Well done - he hasn't managed to kill off that hard little core of strength inside you so use that.

People will be here all day. (And all night if you need us to talk to.)

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:39

So he's panicking. Let him, it's his problem.

50shadesofknackered · 14/03/2015 14:40

I've just read your post op and wanted to tell you that you are doing the right thing. He is an abusive tosser and you don't need him in your or your children's lives. Stay strong and read this thread if you feel like your resolve is weakening.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 14:42

You'll have used adrenaline to tell him. That's fuelling this. Plan to fit in a rest somewhere safe, even if it is just a 10 minute sit down with a cup of tea and a biscuit/treat.

currentnameinuse · 14/03/2015 14:42

yep - you can sort the dog and his stuff out when you are ready. Just stay safe and don't hesitate to call the police if he starts.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 14:45

You don't have to reply to him. Be vague if you do, don't give any details.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:46

Good advice from Peace. Try to fit in a quiet time indeed, even if it's short.

Holdthepage · 14/03/2015 14:46

You will be so much better off once you have got rid of this pillock. I am willing you on Smallbear, just remember that this freeloader is taking from you & your DCs.

If you feel threatened by him in any way please do call for backup, either from the police or your DB.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:48

He's now texting me asking for help to find somewhere im going to play along with him until later when he goes for his lads night and he's out of my face. I've replied he said I know how he is with his car but it doesn't matter now and he will sort it out have to laugh.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:49

I'm playing along till I can go home and have a night of peace and packing his shit whilst playing music I can not take this anymore I just can't its everyday its always something I have done. I'm tired I tired of the whole thing

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:51

My brother isn't answering I've just dropped him a text asked him to call me see what he says when he rings my brother has good advice and he wouldn't mind being there when he comes to get his stuff tomorrow I know that.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:52

He's got somewhere - and even if he didn't, tough. Not your problem. (Although he'll probably be crying before long - to stir you up a bit!)

Just a little longer to keep going and then you can relax properly.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:53

I wouldn't be at all surprised if your DBro actually turns up this evening. He seems to be 'in tune' with your life.