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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/03/2015 14:54

Smallbear, do not 'go along' with the idea that you did the damage to his car just to keep him happy, he might try to use that against you later. You can't afford to give him that excuse to keep bothering you/sucking your money out of you.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:59

I haven't ive told him it was not me he even wanted to charge me £35 for clearing my garden he would take my last pound probably

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 15:03

Flying Spaghetti Monster on a bike! He tried to charge you £35 for helping to clear your garden up after his dog? He's a contender for MN arse of the year!

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 15:04

He cleared some shrub that was there burnt it all in a bin he wanted paying tho

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 15:05

I know it's mad but I'm actually laughing right now

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 14/03/2015 15:05

I thought he had a room at his DM's? By the sounds of him he will soon be ruining some other poor unsuspecting woman's life.

AccordingtoSteve · 14/03/2015 15:09

smallbear you really do have the strength to do this, please re-read this thread from start to finish, visit those website links again.

Masses of positive thoughts heading your way Flowers

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 15:13

Oh yeah he does he goes back about once a week but he said he was asking to have the rent lowered as he's never there whilst living at mine rent free. Well I'm at home now dont know what to do with myself.
He will be back soon to get some stuff as he's going out and has a few clothes here I will act normal

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 15:16

Laughing is good. Grin

fruitbat2008 · 14/03/2015 15:18

I agree with all the others tell him where to go you have three amazing boys you are better spending time with them he is not worth it and be strong sounds like he will be awkward but you have got a lot of ammunition against him:)

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 15:18

Ok, keep from laughing at him until later on. Act normal.

Cup of tea. Feet up, rest.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 15:39

Good. Very sensible. Just get him out! You can do it.

And absolutely, ANY nonsense and just call 101 straight away, tell him you've done it and any nonsense and you will have the police on his ass for threats, harassment, you name it. He is to LEAVE YOU ALONE.

momtothree · 14/03/2015 15:42

Your doing well i can see your stronger already. Chin up. Your house will be full of fun and laughter - take it one day at a time. Up date your facebook to single .... your friends and family will be back in no time - invite the kids friends round and get to know a few more people. Keep posting. xxx

lunalelle · 14/03/2015 15:42

I don't know where you live, but please call a rescue centre about the dog. Especially as he is also aggressive to him/her.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 15:55

I'm not going to abandon the dog I know his previous owner and I will contact him for the dog and ask him to sort him out. The dog is loving and loves my children I will be more upset and him going but I can not walk him and all that he needs it wouldn't be fair.
He's rang again asking if I'm ok I acted normal and nice I can't ignore the calls as he will know and he will come over and I don't want a drama he said he's back at 4.30 and he doesn't feel up to going out I said well you need a night out I think you should go and he said ok then. Fingers crossed

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 15:56

He's being very nice but I know what he's doing it's like im playing a game I feel cruel in one way but this is how I have to be

OP posts:
lunalelle · 14/03/2015 15:58

Yeah, he is banking on you feeling cruel, though! Don't fall for it!

The only one who has been cruel is him.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 16:09

He's called again he keeps calling me.

OP posts:
MissMogwi · 14/03/2015 16:13

Of course he does, he is running scared now.

Stick to your plan. If it's easier, play along until he goes out and then pack up his crap and so on.

You can do this. Once he's gone out, lock the door behind him for the last time.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 16:13

I would text and say you have had enough this evening. You don't feel well, you've had enough of arguing, and you would like it very much if he could actually give you a bit of space now and this evening. You need some alone time so could he please go to his mothers if he doesn't fancy going out.

If he could go there tonight, it lets you out from the super guilt trip he will put on you. He knows something is up - his entire callous, totally deliberate focus will now be on acting hurt, attacked, small - anything to get you to drop it and allow him back to hurt you more. He is utterly calculating and abusive. So if he's not there tonight, you'll have an easier time of it. Tell him you want an early night alone and you have a stonking headache too.

Vivacia · 14/03/2015 16:28

I like Sylvanian's wording. Or just cut straight to something like, "This isn't working for me any more. I'd appreciate it if you didn't contact me any more".

And repeat.

And if pushed, "This isn't working for me any more. I'd appreciate it if you didn't contact me any more. I'm going to call the police if you continue to contact me".

Holdthepage · 14/03/2015 16:31

Of course he keeps he calling, he can sense his meal ticket slipping away from him.

Agree with Sylvanian, make an excuse to keep him away this evening. Headache, d&v, tiredness.

Hilarious that he wanted to reduce the rent he paid to his DM because he spent most of his time at your house. I bet you would never have seen any of that money.

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 16:31

If anyone is playing a game he is. His behaviour is textbook predictable. He abuses you about the car, you fight back, he tries the nice approach. I could have put my house on this happening.

Good advice from Sylvanian but he doesn't seem like a reasonable person so I doubt he will stay at his place. If he comes home say you have a dreadful period pain/headache/virus and go to bed. Tell him you had to leave work early because you were sick.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 16:33

I still reckon he doesn't pay his Mum much if anything at all - does this sound like the sort of man who would hand over cash to her?

Probably that was the agreed 'rent' but I doubt she ever sees any of it.

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 16:33

Don't leave your laptop/phone lying around in case he goes snooping to see what you are up to. Just be careful.