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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

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BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 13:33

You already are strong! Keep saying that over and over to yourself until you start to believe it. You are a working mother raising 3 children on her own. You are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.

Keep saying it - I am strong!!!

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:34

He's just rang me at work said he is going out keeps offering me money saying go out or your going to be bored all night on your own. I said no I don't want the money I be ok I don't feel up to going he said well fucking up to you ain't it. Well yes it is up to me he's so tight usually why is he so desperate to get me out

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cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 13:35

You'll manage. Feeling shaky is to be expected given what he's put you through but things will look so much better tomorrow.

Does he have much stuff at yours?

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 13:36

Stop caring what he thinks or what he is planning. Let it go over your head.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:36

Yes there's lots of stuff he's going to bloody bully me when he gets back to go out with his sister and his sister is a lovely person don't know how they are related but I know he's going to fucking go on and on now. I just want this one night to sort myself out I feel stressed more than ever

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cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 13:37

...why is he so desperate to get me out....

I don't think he is as such but he's probably sensing that you're behaving differently so he's trying to put on some charm to reel you in. You're wise to that now, I think?

(Money probably equals 'caring' in his eyes - very revealing.)

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 13:39

You're probably going to feel stressed until it's over, I'm afraid. Just keep concentrating on the thought of that first long bath without him there!

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:40

I'm going to go home after work we are meant to be meeting after work at this mechanics house as he wants this engine noise looking at im going to go home and get anything he needs from mine to go out tonight and say I've bought your things over U may Aswell head to the flat to get ready I don't want him getting ready at mine I already feel sick

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FushandChups · 14/03/2015 13:40

Smallbear - just sending you kind thoughts as it sounds like you need them.

Your post about him almost hitting the dog - he must have been punching with some strength behind it if his hand has swollen up Sad I know it's perhaps a small thing in the big scheme of things, but he doesn't love this dog!

It sounds similar to the love he supposedly has for you - you don't hurt the people or animals you love, you care and protect...

He sounds just awful. I hope tomorrow goes well and you and your DB get him out of your home and your life for good!

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 13:41

Darling don't let yourself get too stressed. It would be strange if you were not feeling some stress but don't let it get on top of you.

When you start to feel anxious and scared allow yourself to look forward to the future you are going to have without him. By ending this you are giving yourself the chance to have a normal happy existence.

WasabiPeace · 14/03/2015 13:52

I think it would be worth calling 101 and telling them you are finishing with him tonight, they can advise you on what to do, it sounds like this violent bully might kick off.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:56

I'm worried now going to see him and he's just going to go on at me to go out just because he is this is where his control thing comes in and he's not going to like the fact he's offereing me money to go and I'm not going he will argue on me in a bit can't wait till he goes tonight and I can be ony own

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MissMogwi · 14/03/2015 14:01

Maybe tell him you don't feel well, get him off your case? He doesn't sound like the type that would offer to stay in with you.

Use tonight to pack up his crap and
Have someone drop it off (so you don't have to see him again) or chuck it on the street for him.

Keep talking on here. Getting rid of this clown will be the best thing you ever do.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 14:03

I'd try and resist for my own self-belief but I'd see how it goes. You may not feel strong enough to take his carping tonight - just don't lose sight of the main thing tomorrow.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:07

Well it's happened I've told him

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:07

I'm shaking I want to leave work I wish I could call someone

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 14:08

Oh God, he can't make you go out! Just say you don't want to, you're tired, you need a night by yourself, he can do what he wants in terms of going out but he needs to go back to his own place after because you need to be by yourself.

What does he care if you're bored? Not that you will be, but what the fuck is it to him if that's what you're choosing to do?

He's pushing it because he realises he overstepped the tightness - now he's trying to force you to take his money so that you can't throw his tightness back in his face, you watch.
"But I offered you money to go out, and you refused! How is that my fault?" I can just hear it now. It's a pre-emptive strike so that if you tell people about his tightness, he can deny it. Trying to save face again, that's all it is.

Roussette · 14/03/2015 14:08

Oh my goodness, SmallBear... what's happened?

Keep strong, we're all here for you.

Vivacia · 14/03/2015 14:08

How will he have the opportunity to "go on" at you? Don't see him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 14:08

Go home sick from work NOW.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 14:09

And call your brother.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:09

He's just called me at work said there is a mark on his car a red mark where someone has opened th door and marked his car. My car is red he's rang me up and accused me of opening my car door and hitting his car I know hand on heart it wasn't me I know how he is with his car. He was shouting saying if I find out its you Don I said yes what are you going to do he said well I can't do anything just shows u have no respect for my things when I get home I'm checking yor car for marks

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Roussette · 14/03/2015 14:11

Well.... he certainly loves his car more than he does you, to act like this. What have you told him?

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:11

I said checking my car for marks where the fuck do you get off do you thrive on bullying me everyday what the fuck is wrong with you! He went quiet shut his gob said im going I can't talk to you like this I said no your going now get your shit from my house and fuck off today I put the phone down he hasn't rang back he's not taking it serious but I am serious

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 14:13

I'm going to Chubb lock the door and go out fuck knows what the dogs going to do what shall I do

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