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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 12:52

His mood swings are just unbearable to live with Theres just that feeling of dread I walked in last night and I just knew he was gonna start on me didn't know what I had done but I had done something as usual and I can't live like that being in fear of going home it isn't fair. I just want a normal life

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 12:54

I will feel better tomorrow seeing my brother face to face I haven't spoke to him in so long I'm going to tell him everything.

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cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 12:55

That could work. Can you manage to get through tonight?

This guy is so controlling that I'm not surprised he doesn't like your brother much. He's trying to isolate you from everyody and everything - in fact I reckon the only reason he hasn't moved in on your job is becayse it's convenient to have you pulling in some money and providing for him. I don't think that would last though - before long, he'd be on the phone to your boss trying to influence your job/wages in some way.

I take it this isn't the weekend his girls are due at yours?

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 12:57

I don't think he's going to just accept it last time he jumped over my garden fence and my car wasn't there so he wanted to know where j was my sister was there and she saw him in the back garden

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 12:58

No mine are at their dads his are at their moms house so no children here

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Roussette · 14/03/2015 12:59

So glad to hear SmallBear that you can get your bruv onboard. Don't pull any punches with him, tell him the truth so that he knows what he has to do to help you.

This tosspot needs to go as soon as possible. I just hope you won't be susceptible to his charms when he realises you might be properly standing up for yourself. As you said yourself, you are more skint since he's been around and think of your DC's - I am sure they would rather everyday life with just you in it, than this idiot, because believe me they will pick up on your anxiety and your treading on eggshells. Kids are remarkably astute at that.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Everyone on here is behind you 100%

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:00

Last nights insult why did I have three kids with my ex and what a huge mistake I must of made. My ex was a compulsive lying tosspot but at least he was generous

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AlternativeTentacles · 14/03/2015 13:00

If he does that again then you can call the police. In fact, you can call them on 101 and tell them the history and that you might need some backup when you end it with him and they can flag your address for a faster response.

Roussette · 14/03/2015 13:01

If you can compare this bloke to your exH and think your ex is better in any way, there must be something drastically wrong with this one. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and this bloke seems to have even more reasons!

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 13:04

....I don't think he's going to just accept it.....

He'll have no choice if your brother's there and you call the police to sort him out. (You're entirely allowed to get the police to remove him from your property if he cuts up rough - it's your house after all.)

I would imagine that he'll already have someone lined up to take your place though - or will have very shortly. (You said yourself that a friend had seen him on a dating app.) Don't worry about that. He's got a place to go in any case.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:04

I know he's so nice to Everyone other people say he's always smiling he's so happy all the time even my neighbours love him. I see him out talking to the neighbours like post man pay on speed and I'm thinking WTF and I told my friend and she said oh all men are like that they put on act I was said really do they

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:06

Cozie I'm sure he does have other women lined up he's a charmer and wouldnt surprise me at all

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Inertia · 14/03/2015 13:10

He doesn't have a choice about whether or not to accept it.

You can end the relationship whenever you choose to. You can also tell people the truth about how he has treated you and your children.

I've put that in bold, Bear, because you seem to need his approval or justification for ending things. You don't. It is your choice. He accepts it or he has the police called on his arse.

I would be strongly tempted to change the locks today while he is out, and your DC are at their dads. You could drop any essential items at his parents house. Tomorrow, your brother could be there while the cocklodging leech collects all the rest of his stuff, and then all trace of him is gone before your children get home.

Any sadness incurred by Leech's children is entirely the fault and responsibility of Leech - do not be suckered into letting him stay and abuse you for the benefit of his children.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 13:11

This could be a very good weekend for you, Smallbear. No kids around ro worry about and getting rid of him?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 13:16

Bag his shit up if it's causing you problems in terms of kicking his sorry arse to the kerb. Bag it all up and put it outside your front door.

Get your locks changed - I agree he's not going to just give your key back and even if he does, chances are he'll have it copied first. So take the financial hit and get your locks changed.

I agree that he doesn't get a choice - if you decide to end it, you decide to end it. BE strong, be firm, be unequivocal about it - IT IS OVER.

Get your brother to stay with you if you're worried about Leechy McCocklodger coming over to try and weasel his way in.

Izzy24 · 14/03/2015 13:17

Don't forget to give him his dog to take too .

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:18

Yeah I don't know if he suspects anything because he was all up for going out with his friends but last night he kept asking well what are you doing you going out and I said not sure. Then he said I might not go out I will see I hope he does I can't at least go and see my friends then etc best time to act is tomorrow my brother will be around and I can do his stuff in the morning.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 13:19

You can tell him to fuck off out of your house, you do realise that don't you? Tell him you don't want him there, you want a night by yourself.
And yes, tell him to take the dog with him.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:20

The dog will have to go I can't look after him he's a lovely dog and I feel sorry for him 'he' loves the dog but does bully the dog to he went to hit the dog the other day as he was biting his lead and the dog moved and he punched his hand at the wall and his hand swelled up I was glad

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:22

I know thumb if he goes out he won't come back there tonight anyway. He does have loads of things there I might just say I have plans now with my friend tonight just arranged it.

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BrassicaBabe · 14/03/2015 13:23

Dunno what but I was reminded about the bible verse often chosen at weddings:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

(I hope that pastes in ok via mobile app)

This bloke is none of these things! Please use this as your yard stick in the future. I wish you every strength in the short term and happiness in the long term

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 13:25

I hope that you find the courage to end this relationship. If you find yourself losing your nerve just keep thinking about your children. Your eldest son, your mum and your brother have him pegged. They love you and it must upset them to see you being treated so badly.

Don't be scared of being on your own. Lots of mums on MN including me have been in awful relationships and got out. You have so much to look forward to. I still remember the joy I felt when I closed the door on my new place and realised that it was over and I would never have to live with him again. That was almost 17 years ago and I have never forgotten the feeling. I was pregnant and had an 18 month old baby and I was absolutely overjoyed that I never ever had to live with him again!

You will find yourself once you are free of him. You sound like a lovely person and a wonderful mother. If I was a friend of yours I would get down on my knees and beg you to leave him.

When you leave with your brother tomorrow text him and tell him that when you get home you want him and his dog to be out of your house. If he refuses tell him that you will ring the police and have him removed. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. This is your life and you make the decisions.

Stay strong, you really do not have to put up with this.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:26

What has stuck with me is a post by a member a few pages back that someone who loves you will give you their coat in the rain like when I asked for money for the shoes and he said no that was my lightbulb moment for me that was the grand finale I don't think he could of got any lower than refusing me ten pounds for my sons shoes.

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Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 13:28

I will finish it this wkend I promise you that im scared though I'm at work and I feel shaky inside and my stomachs in knots. I want to be a strong mommy and be strong for my sons focus on them im only 28 im still youngish

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Hugeheadache · 14/03/2015 13:29

Please don't give it any more thought. He needs to go. You know it is the right thing for yourself but more importantly for your DS. You will feel sooo much better.