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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 07:25

As I remember last time it was the wkend he had the girls and he must of thought I might go out etc so he really started piling the pressure on when the wkend was getting closer so I'm expecting the same this time as he knows he is in all wkend with girls.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 16/03/2015 07:28

You are doing SO well Thanks

Well done for deleting/blocking number.
Wishing you a good day - hope you gran is comfortable.

BringMeTea · 16/03/2015 07:30

Well done Bears! You have done an amazing thing for yourself and your children. Stay strong. Lean on friends and family. Your brother sounds ace. Focus on your nan right now. Flowers

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 07:30

Need this for myself and read it everyday

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it
OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 16/03/2015 07:31

"Love yourself" - amen to that!

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 07:33

My nan is very poorly shes been asking for my youngest mom said she is crying for him. She forgets where she's is and is all spaced put then she is ok again and then she is gone again she's been like this for a month. She is on oxygen in hospital and they have moved her to a side room. Best go and get ready school run but I will check in later when I have a chance once again thanks for the support.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 07:41

Don't be scared of him. Don't be scared of what might do or not do. Don't be be scared at the thought of seeing him again. Take emotion out of those thoughts and deal with him like a stranger, or a random customer. Just someone who has dumped a dog on you and so you need some information from them. Other than that he has nothing you want. You are not his babe, not his mum, his children are nothing to do with you.

momtothree · 16/03/2015 07:51

Remember hes losing more than u are he will panic about having his girls at his moms, and his mom probably tells him straight!! Well do on FB and phone .... His loss u deserve better. X well done.

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 08:00

Sorry, have reread your posts. So you don't even need him to give you info about the dog's previous owner because you can use facebook. Well done for blocking his number and facebook account! :) You don't need that kind of attention. It might be hard and you might miss him but think of it like getting over an addiction to a drug. He's toxic. His manipulation and reeling in, and anything he used to persuade you is a part of that.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 08:19

Don't feel bad about the dog. You are doing the right thing giving it back if you know you can't care for it properly. It should never have been foisted on you in the first place

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 08:46

Sorry about your Nan being so poorly. I agree about not feeling bad about the dog. Make sure you also block him on facebook and tighten up your settings so everything is private unless they are friends with you. You can hide your friends list, likes, profile pic - everything. You can also change settings so only your own friends can message you there too.

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 09:47

I was with my Nan when she died and she was very calm finally. I don't know about having children there if her end is close but I'm sure you'll be able to make a judgement according to how she is.

Take care, all of you.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 10:05

Cozie my mom said the kids might not be able to go in anyway but she keeps asking for them I will see later and see what my mom says.
The dog is still at mine im at work now he will call here but he might not start until weds.
The only thing I kept at mine was a petrol chainsaw which I paid most of the money for to cut down the shrubs in the garden he paid a bit towards it so he might say he wants that. He is a hoarder of things and he bought me a flatscreen tv for my bedroom when we last split up as a way to win me back he might say he wants that back too.
His mom knows what he is like but the whole family especially money wise are terrible all they talk about is money whilst shopping all the time and complaining that their on the bread line but never stop buying material things. It's all well and good having nice cars and flats but there is no food in the cupboards.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/03/2015 10:26

I'm sorry about your Nan, smallbear.

Can I just go back to the punching the dog thing?

This man was going to hit you, if you'd stayed. He hadn't got there yet, but he'd started to demonstrate violence in front of you. And domestic violence VERY often begins with a family pet. And he wanted you to have a child with him, which would make you very vulnerable.

If you'd said yes, he'd be hitting you within the year. I can pretty much guarantee it. And I think you know that, that's why you are physically scared of him and didn't want to tell him in person. I've been holding my breath through this thread because your instincts were dead on, and I'm glad you kept yourself safe.

In a way, I'm glad he's a tightwad. Because if he'd been more generous, he'd have been just as awful a person. The money is what you - and many other posters - are focusing on, but the real thing behind it is that this is a nasty, controlling abuser. He insults you, makes you scared of him, restricts your movements (you can't go to a pub because men flirt with you? Jesus, do they get handed a fucking script?), makes you financially dependent.

He was going to hit you, and you got out before that happens.

Well done. WELL DONE.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/03/2015 10:26

I'm sorry about your Nan, smallbear.

Can I just go back to the punching the dog thing?

This man was going to hit you, if you'd stayed. He hadn't got there yet, but he'd started to demonstrate violence in front of you. And domestic violence VERY often begins with a family pet. And he wanted you to have a child with him, which would make you very vulnerable.

If you'd said yes, he'd be hitting you within the year. I can pretty much guarantee it. And I think you know that, that's why you are physically scared of him and didn't want to tell him in person. I've been holding my breath through this thread because your instincts were dead on, and I'm glad you kept yourself safe.

In a way, I'm glad he's a tightwad. Because if he'd been more generous, he'd have been just as awful a person. The money is what you - and many other posters - are focusing on, but the real thing behind it is that this is a nasty, controlling abuser. He insults you, makes you scared of him, restricts your movements (you can't go to a pub because men flirt with you? Jesus, do they get handed a fucking script?), makes you financially dependent.

He was going to hit you, and you got out before that happens.

Well done. WELL DONE.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/03/2015 10:27

Oh, and also, why on earth do you assume that he's telling the truth about his kids' mum wanting to marry him but he walked away?

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 10:43

Tortoise - I wouldn't believe a thing he said even if he had a bunch of eager witnesses at his back. He'll say simply what's useful at the time and without reference to the truth.

Smallbear - I guess he might well ask for those items back or for a contribution from you. (The telly was probably bought so that he had something to watch in bed of a night.) I'd get shot of them if asked (after using the chainsaw one last time) on the grounds that they were memories of him - but your call.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 11:33

He's rang me at work I sent a parcel for him two weeks ago I lost the tracking receipt for it . It was a £100 the item he has phones saying I owe him a £100 and he needs it! I said I'm at work and do not owe you abything he's saying I sent it and ebay won't give him refund without te number I knew this was brewing a week ago when asked for that receipt and I knew I had lost it and was scared to say that I had. I just put the phone down on him how am I meant to get £100 for him .

OP posts:
ScotsWhaHae · 16/03/2015 11:34

You're not. Do not engage.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 11:36

You don't owe him £100

he is just using that to get himself back into your head again

tell him to fuck off....your priority now is your nan and your kids

his silly games need relegating to white noise

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 11:36

I dont think he can expect me to refund him for this he should of sent it himself . Ive got my own extension at work so he rings that. As soon as I heard him my heart dropped and it was just verbal GBH of the ear hole he isn't taking this serious and still trying to bully me like we are still together but have just had a row.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 11:39

Tortoise you are so right about the violence and Smallbear's instincts.

If you do need to call the police, you can dial the number and pretend to order a pizza to give your address. Listen carefully for questions like 'is there someone with you?' 'Have they hurt you?' 'are you safe?' and answer yes or no...(tomatoes YES etc) don't put the phone down with them thinking it is a prank call.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation with her nan. She got one of her son's spare soft toys and got him to sleep with it a night and wgen he couldn't go in to see her, at the hospital, he let nan have it. It really seemed to help him deal with it. Not just that, we found out later their nan slept with her arm around the toy! Smile (My nan would never have done that though!)

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 11:41

when he calls you on your extension, just put the phone straight back down

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 11:52

You owe him nothing.at.all. rien. Nada. Nichts. You have nothing more to say to him.

Would it be possible to swap desks with someone and get them to tell him to never call you there again?

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 11:55

Also, although don't engage, do record in a diary all the times he continues to make contact when you have told him no. Write down the time and place and briefly what he said/did, as soon after it happens as possible. This can turn into useful evidence if it escalates.