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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeanie · 15/03/2015 19:10

Well Done !

Now block his number, and ignore. Don't talk to or text him at all. Complete radio silence.

You need silence and space to come to your senses, calm down and see how wonderful your life will be without him.

He will do his very best to invade your space, bombard you with calls, texts, anything. If he turns up tell him to go or you'll call the police.

You have just given your children their childhood back.
Un-mnetty hug to you.

PeaceOfWildThings · 15/03/2015 19:10

Straight in the bin! Suddenly developed an allergy!

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 19:15

I'm keeping the chocolates it's celebrations and I love them he spent about a tenner this is someone who's on £700 a week!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 19:16

He clearly finds the kids (yours and his) very useful as a tool to try to get on people's sides. Just remember that this is the man who was yelling at middle DC not long ago, though, and wouldn't lend you a tenner for new shoes for your youngest.

In fact, just printout your OP and put it on the fridge door. What a fraudulent and nasty piece of work.

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 19:21

Omg he was on £700 a week and was that tight??!! I'm so happy you have got rid!

ScotsWhaHae · 15/03/2015 19:22

Well done op! Now I'm hoping that I'm one of your friends I'd love an invite to a karaoke party!

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 19:24

That was only one of his many 'qualities', Charley. Read the whole thread if you get the time.

AccordingtoSteve · 15/03/2015 19:28

bear enjoy those chocolates while you settle in for your cosy evening without him tonight Smile

I would offer to join the virtual karaoke but my singing voice is bloody awful! then again, it never did stop me after a few Blush

Newbiecrafter · 15/03/2015 19:39

Smallbear, I've been following this since you posted and am so pleased to hear the latest.

You said upthread that you will miss him, and I'm sure that's normal and part of the healing process, but remember what you will not miss:
-walking on eggshells in your own home
-him bullying you into thinking everything's your fault
-him confiscating things from your children
-him sponging off you and then counting every penny that you owe him
-him contacting you and bullying you at work and on your night out
-him making you feel unsafe and afraid in your own home
-him denying helping you financially even though you feed him and his kids
-him ignoring his own kids forcing you to look after them in your home
-forcing you to take on a dog, which isn't cheap, when you have barely enough to get by on for yourself and your kids

  • him blaming you for scratching his car
  • plus all the other things you listed on here,

You don't need him, or anyone like him in your life.

I hope you don't feel too bad about being alone for a bit. I think you need to have time to yourself and with your family to just be you. Learn to know who you are again, do things you like doing, get to know your brother again, have karaoke nights whenever the hell you like. Sit and listen to music you like when you like; watch what you want to when you want to.

Don't rush into another relationship until you are strong enough and confident enough in you again. You've been treated badly by two men in quick succession - that will take time to get over and to get over it you need space and time. You deserve the best in life. You deserve to be happy. Your boys deserve a happy confident mum and you all deserve to be happy and at ease in your own home.

Sorry for the long post, but really well done!

Re the flowers and the chocs, I would leave them outside and not have them in the house as a reminder of who left them. But they are celebrations and you do have something to celebrate!

Xxx

PeaceOfWildThings · 15/03/2015 19:55

Great post Newbiecrafter! Smile

gg1234 · 15/03/2015 19:59

He is using you that's all I can say seeing the current scenario. Who refuses just a 10 pound for someone where you eat and rest often. What a shame you landed up with his person but before he causes more harm to you and your money just kick him out . He doesn't deserves you

PeaceOfWildThings · 15/03/2015 20:42

gg...rtft!

Bear, I love that you're doing what you want to do. :)

Jux · 15/03/2015 20:44

Smallbear, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Thanks

Oh and guilt free Thanks for Mother's Day too.

Hooray hooray hooray. I am so happy for you. CakeCakeCake (no chocolate emoticon but it would just look like a cube of poo if there were one)

You're going to go on a roller coaster ride of emotions over the next few weeks. You will get through it, you will. You have great strength in there, it's been suppressed but it's not been destroyed. It's lurking and now it's coming out again.

Believe this : you will be totally fine. Look forward and believe.

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 20:49

Newbiecrafter, hear, hear Smile

I second the being on your own for a bit - discover yourself again, be with your kids, be you and find the strength to not let anybody treat you like this again.
And stick to complete radio silence - if he comes pestering you, call your brother or the police.

I love Celebrations - enjoy!

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 21:21

My mom has just rang my nan has been taken to hospital she's been bad a while but she is dying now. She's asked to see me and the children tomorrow. My poor nan this puts things into perspective but I know she always wants what is best for me too and I have to be strong now for my family too they need me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 21:24

You can go to see her with a good strong heart now, bear.

Take care.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 21:31

As for him nothing so far Bht it's early days isn't it

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 21:42

Yes, early days still.

I hope tomorrow isn't too bad for you and the boys.

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 21:47

Very, sorry to hear about your nan, but great you are so strong now. Newbie crafter very well said, I totally agree and will use your advice myself if that's ok, and cozie I have read the whole thread. I wasn't being facetious just commenting on his almost pathological meanness.

carlywurly · 15/03/2015 22:03

Well done you brave lady. You are doing the best possible thing, he sounds like an utter waste of space.

Let him move on and leech off someone else. I wish we could brand men like this with some sort of identifying mark to warn other women off them..!

carlywurly · 15/03/2015 22:03

And I'm very sorry about your nan. Thanks

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 22:06

It is extraordinary, isn't it? If I were his Mum, I'd actually be framing any tenners I got from him. (The OP said, if I recall, that she saw money change hands once - but I'm sure she didn't see it being 'borrowed' back half an hour later on an 'Oh Sorry, Mum - I forgot I needed to buy a spare thingy for the car'. Said money never to be seen again.)

SnapeChat · 16/03/2015 00:44

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Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 07:22

Thanks everyone I would not of done this without you all!! I was meant to come back on here last night but mom rang and my brother then my best friend suddenly got popular again.
I got myself to bed I haven't slept much though last night woke up loads. He's text this morning saying 'good morning' I've not responded this is messages he sends if I haven't seen him the night before he thinks it's a row or me having one of my 'breakdowns' and it will blow over.
Deleted him on facebook last night I know missing him will kick in soon even though he is a bastard I guess I will miss having someone there.
I've got work today but then going to see my nan after work with the boys so that will keep me occupied today at least.
He hasn't give me the number for the dog so I've got to message his previous owner on Facebook as I can't keep him I can't look after him properly and walk him.
I feel like I'm being a mean cow but I have to keep going over this thread and see everything he has done to me and everything he has not done for me. Thanks guys having you there is like a support to me .

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 07:24

I'm just worrying he will up the ante I've blocked his number that felt difficult but I know it's the best way to movr forward. I know this won't be the end of it on his behalf though so watch this space.

OP posts: