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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/03/2015 14:48

Well done OP!!

Broken record technique for him from now on, and you don't need to tolerate his harassment.

This isn't working for me any more. I'd appreciate it if you didn't contact me any more. I'm going to call the police if you continue to contact me

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 14:56

Actually - you may be lucky in that this is the second/third time you've got shot of him so he might just take the message, go and mope in the pub for a few nights and then move on to his next 'mark'. You'll likely also find yourself becoming stronger and more able to deal with him after you've recovered from the exhaustion of this weekend. I hope so, anyway.

MissMogwi · 15/03/2015 15:02

Brilliant, well done! Think how much more relaxed and happy your life will be now!

ThanksWine

jasper · 15/03/2015 15:22

well done x

momtothree · 15/03/2015 15:24

You are now in control of your future. You are your own boss. If u want a messy house and pizza every night its your call. Change your ringtone and his name to arsehole . Put up a FB message that you`ve got rid of the letch ..,, it will help u stay strong. Was his sister suprised?

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 15:50

His sister said 'oh you two will be ok what's he like'
She plays down his behavior but she knows what he's like really shes just left an abusive husband herself and moved back here. That's when mr nice guy makes me laugh as he slags her off her Ex terribly but he acts likes him.
Didn't say to much to her I knew she was home as I text before saying I was coming up with mothers day present but didn't tell her I was bringing his stuff. She doesn't live far from either which isn't the best for me but what can you do

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 15/03/2015 15:54

Oh well done you, bear. I'm so so pleased!!!

You are already in a stronger position

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 15/03/2015 15:55

than before so gather your energy. Chubb lock each time you're in and out and enjoy the peace in your home.

Pat on the back for you - strong lady.

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 16:02

Well done! Thanks

I think you should NC to BigMotherBear now Smile

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 16:10

Oh Yes - I think a name change is in order. Smile Good suggestion.

lbnblbnb · 15/03/2015 16:14

Great news - well done smallbear! Sooooo pleased for you.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 16:26

I haven't got a clue how to name change ha I'm trying to think of a good think I can do next wkend with the boys I get paid any ideas time to keep busy. Also was thinking of having a karaoke night at mine I've got a stage in my living room I say stage its a window seat with spot lights but wanted karaoke night for ages!! :-)

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 15/03/2015 16:49

Your house, your rules, you can do what you want now the parasite has gone.

PeaceOfWildThings · 15/03/2015 16:51

Well done you! See, you did that. It won't all be plain sailing ahead, but I love that you are looking forwards not backwards. Grin

A karaoke sounds like a great idea. A real celebration. Invite the neighbours and tell them the nasty man and the annoying dog have left.

Name change: top right. Go to the profile, then account, type th the name you want, scroll down and type in your password and hit send.

Another suggestion:
SmallbearBigclaws

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 16:51

Have the boys said recently that there's any sort of thing they'd like to do? (Just mentioned in passing.) And what are their ages and hobbies?

MillieMagnolia · 15/03/2015 17:25

Excellent news! Latecomer but read the thread. You are well rid of him.

If ever you feel lonely, just think of your boys. They do not deserve him in their lives and your first priority must be your boys.

I'm also glad you are thinking positively about the future. You are very young
and there are nice men out there. You deserve better.

Good luck!

AnyFucker · 15/03/2015 17:39

Well done. That was a very good move. Now to stay strong and don't get dragged into any "chats". Tell him you have no wish to talk to him and that is it. You don't owe him anything.

Inertia · 15/03/2015 18:25

Well done, stay strong- and do accept your brother's help, he's obviously desperate to see this bloodsucker gone from your life.

If the ex contacts you again, tell him to stop all contact with you, you regard any further contact as harassment and you will contact the police if he continues to harass you (and then do report the harassment).

sapphirestars · 15/03/2015 18:39

Hi there :-) I am a latecomer to this thread but I am sooo soo happy for you. I am not new on here but I have name changed. We are all here for you smallbear! Don't let him back into your life. I wish I could celebrate karaoke night with you! xx

lbnblbnb · 15/03/2015 18:54

Whoop whoop! Virtual Karaoke! Brilliant idea!

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 19:00

Phase one
I had to meet the boys dad to collect them got back to flowers and chocolates on doorstep and Mother's Day card that he has written off the boys. Earlier than I thought I was not expecting it. Have to just hold my resolve. Thanks for everyone's replies this far and being with me this far

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 15/03/2015 19:05

Do not contact him re the card and chocolates, he is not their dad, he did not do it for a good reason!

Holdthepage · 15/03/2015 19:05

He will probably want paying for the chocs, flowers & card next time you hear from him.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 19:08

I know and I haven't contacted him this is what he wants guilt me now not working

OP posts:
momtothree · 15/03/2015 19:09

Ha ha .,, holdthepage..,,,invoice expected !!