Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

[Smallbear86]

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

There's nothing 'wrong' with you - there's lots wrong with the situation you find yourself in and you are responding and a perfectly understandable manner by crying.

Get yourself out.
I won't lie, you'll have good days and bad days and difficult days ahead of you, but this pernicious poisonous presence that is him in your life will be gone.

I've not had a single mention of Mother's Day this morning (I have 4 kids) but I know they'll remember at some some point and I know they love me every day of the year as I am sure yours do you.

Just popping in before church to say that I have been thinking of you too. Stay strong, stick to what YOU really want and keep going!

… in a perfectly understandable manner

Sorry

Bear I'd take his stuff, his dog and the card to his mums if you can

Then text him to say it's over

Cut the contact completely

"He's barged in their room and confiscated things without even consulting me just gone in and done it and it's uncomfortable for me as a parent the boundaries have become blurred as in should he discipline them and so on"

For this alone you need to get rid of this guy. I grew up with a stepfather who was like this, sometimes when my mum was around but often when she was out and she then didn't believe me when i told her or worse i knew i wouldn't be believed and so didnt tell her. If you thnk you are going mad as an adult then try and see how his manipulative, abusive, sulking behavior would feel to a child who believes that they have no right to stand uo for themseves.
Its horrible oiving with someone like this, they sulk for days and you wider what you have done and di everything you can to ingratiate yourself with them again, then you find yourself going and saying sorry for anything you may have done, at which point they rant at you and tell you how shit you are and how good they are to you until you are in tears and apologising and FEELING LUCKY THAT THEY ARE FORGIVING you FFS. When it is they who are in the wrong. As a child you dont question it, you just think that they are right because they are the grown up and your mum backs them up.

The eggshells feeling you describe, i promise you that will apply to your chldren too, and it wil honestly muck up every friendship and relationship they have if you can't get this bastard out of your life. It took me years and hundreds in counselling to realise that i didnt always have to be the one in the wrong, that if someone wasnt very chatty on a cartain day it wasnt because of me. That if someone i knew disnt wave at me in the street it was probabaly because they didnt see me not because i had done something wrong. it killed my confidence and self esteem, it made me nauseous with worry every time i argued or disagreed withanyone.
I know how hard it is to leave someone like this, especially as you find it hard to live alone. I get that totally, its scary and he has convinced you that you are worthless, when it is HIM who is a scumbag....
It wontbe easy but you WILL be richer both in life and finanacially if you drop this blood sucking leech of a man.
My mum and i have only been able to rebuild our relationship because Her husband is no longer here. I have no doubt in my mind that had he still been around I would, by now, have gone NC wth him to protect my kids from his terrible influence.
Fwiw My own mum is still in denial that he was like that to me, as i said he was very subtle about doing it when she was around, I do still have a relationship with her but it will never cease to hurt that she doesnt properly believe me. i have had to understand that that is because she grew uo in an abusive household herself and so probaboy just cannot see it or handle the truth. I did for a long time have to think about the situation and decide if i could cope with that, i almost walked away from the relationship with her at one point. It has taken a very supportive husband (who is also cross about this man and who knew him for a long time and helped me realise that his behaviour was unacceptable) to be able to handle things at my end. As i say were he still alive there is no way in hell he'd be anywhere near my kids normalising that sort of abusive behaviour for them.
I will be thinking of you all day today, willing you the strength that I know you will need to go through with this. You will doubt yourself, because he has trained you to...please make him leave, you are great for getting even this far, we are all right beside you willing you on.

Oh - and it's not you who can't get to terms with using the site in places. People have been known to use quite Bad Language about it on the Site Stuff board - so bad in fact that Mumsnet are writing a new App to be used on tablets.

Glad you found us anyway.

Good luck today and hope DBro keeps his temper under control.

Thinking of you too. Your family seem to have him sussed, I think the support you will get from them will be crucial.

Very very wise words from Donkey. Everyone who has been in your situation understands how you are feeling. Men like him do some job on their partners so much so that women like you and me feel that we can't leave and think its better to maintain the status quo rather than make the decision to end it.

I know when I was in your situation I thought I was to blame and was terrified that he would kill me if I left. Its very easy for me to tell you to leave for your children's sake. I was so confused and scared at the time I genuinely felt that if I could just change and make him happier I wouldn't be the one responsible for ruining.

I really want to you understand that you are not creating this situation, he is. He is an abusive person and it doesn't matter that he can be nice to you sometimes. He is abusive and he is abusing you and your children.

I urge you to put him out of your home today. If you really can't face it please ring Women's Aid tomorrow who will spell it out to you very clearly that you are being abused. Maybe hearing it from them will help. You need counselling to help you recover from the psychological games he has played with you.

Good luck. I will be thinking about you today. You remind me so much of myself 17 years ago. I can only tell you that when you end an abusive relationship you are giving yourself and your children the option of having a better future. By staying with him you know for certain that your future will be awful. He is not going to change.

Browers I thank you so much for this message and all the others before it. I will update tonight and let you know but the ball is rolling now put it that way. Shaking and scared but in a few months hopefully im over this.

If you want to explain it nicely OP - just say 'The whole point of 'courting' before you move in with or marry someone is to see if you are compatible. We aren't. End of'.

Keep strong OP

bear I know that fear too, it is almost debilitating and you feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. I puked up quite badly quite a few times after I made the decision to go.

Didn't help at all that on my moving out day my H engineered a day off work to sit there and silently oppress us all throughout the process. Leaving me with no option but to remove the bare minimum of stuff I wanted to take with me. Some of it is still at his house too.

At least he isnt living with you, I hope you manage to extract this "rotten tooth" very fast from your life.

You are doing things which is great. It seems a few of us on here were worried about you overnight and I am hardly on here at all but when I saw your message while on duty last night I felt quite disturbed by his sneaky, underhanded, devious and abusive behaviour to both you and your children. I did mention previously about the disciplining of children and I just want to touch on it slightly again. If you are ever going to be in a loving, healthy and balanced relationship again I think both parent and step parent/boyfriend should feel able to tell kids off for misbehaving. It's really a balance thing that a couple need to discuss soon after they are at the stage of introducing each others kids and it should not be underestimated how important it is. If you go too far (as in the case of window donkey) it's abuse but then you might have the opposite where the new man doesn't feel he can say anything at all and he becomes sidelined and weak in the eyes of the children-Balance is key! You don't want the kids giving the poor guy abuse when mum isn't around.
That said I hope you do get this total scumbag out of yours and your kids lives! He's a parasite and you don't need him. It might be lonely for a while or from time to time but you know you will have done the right thing. God knows I feel lonely sometimes but I have 2 great kids. Call on friends, keep yourself busy, socialise with work colleagues and have your girlfriends come over for an evening with a bottle of wine Also after a while .......change the subject from him as you will inevitably discuss him to death. It's part of the process but once you do you are beginning to look forwards and not backwards. Warm regards and good luck! Mark

I think both parent and step parent/boyfriend should feel able to tell kids off for misbehaving.

Some blended families disagree, and discipline is always left to the parent.

Ok Well that's fair enough but I had a relationship where I didn't think it was my place to as I wasn't the parent. I was getting a little bit frustrated until the mother said it was ok to tell her son off if he was being what boys tend to be i.e. boisterous and cheeky on occasion. Once that happened it did improve things and although the relationship has ended I miss them both. I find it much easier with girls as I have 2 myself and I am the main carer. I was also the cheeky boisterous one once and will always regret the line "You're not my dad!" I was about 11. Mark

He isn't a step parent, he doesn't even live there.

I've told him it's over via text. my message was' I've come to the conclusion that we do not have a future together , ive dropped your things to your sisters and can I please have the contact number for Gary regarding the dog. It's over-for good'
I've spoke to my brother and he's basically repeated what everyone has said on here that he will never be there for me or the boys finacially emotionally or otherwise. He said he will stay with me tonight if I want him too I said I would be ok but he said he will stay anytime I need. He's constantly calling my phone and asking what he has done wrong. I've locked the porch (he has no key for that and have Chubb locked my door he only has Yale key)
I'm on my own my brother has gone he drove with me to the sisters and the dog is still here but I know the sister can't have him there she has really little children.
I just need his previous owners number as was his friend not mine if I don't get it by tonight I will facebook him.
I'm tired and looking forward to my kids coming home. I know e isn't going to accept it he will play games now till how ever long.
He won't come here yet his ego is so big he will be surprised he has even been dumped but as soon as I don't contact within a day or two he will be back and that's when I have to keep it together.

Well done! You've made my Mother's Day!

Alternative t. Point taken.

Vivacia- It's really a balance thing that a couple need to discuss soon after they are at the stage of introducing each others kids

I also put that in there too. Of course it's up to the parent. I can see the thing from both the side of the partner and the child. Perhaps my mum should have disciplined me more when I was 11. I don't think my stepdad would ever forget that sentence above tho. (today 13:03) I don't want to hijack this post. I really hope she gets rid. He's a total bully!

He will play it cool now he did that last time but by about day three he started to panic I gather that will happen this time too. I hope I sleep tonight my eyes are so sore and I'm so drained :-( I hope I have done the right thing I know missing him will kick in but I'm trying to keep in mind there isn't much to miss about him and holding onto that. I will get over this.

Well done small bear. I posted then saw your message. Good luck! You are well rid. Mark

bear well done, bloody well done!

Please try not to concentrate on the "what ifs" for now.. just enjoy the moment, the decision is made and he now knows it.

Yes - it's not over yet but remember that you've taken a HUGE step forward.

Now he'll start the wheedling like the last two times. Be prepared for eg:

• him trying to get you at work because he thinks he knows that you'll have to answer the phone there; and

• him resorting to one of the last refuges of the scoundrel and coming round next weekend with his daughters to 'appeal to your feelings as a mother because the girls are upset'. (Not him, Oh No - but if he gets inside the door (with the bunch of flowers).......)

Do you know your boss well enough to tell him that you have a problem who might be phoning? And are you own DCs due to be at your house next weekend?

You must be dog tired but now might be a good time to completely remake the bed. New bedding would be good but I realize that funds are tight so I'd go for clean everything, then a bath and a rest before the boys come back.

Well done.

Oh Bear I want to cheer reading taht post! Well well WELL done. You have been brave and decisove and just marvellous! I am so pleased and proud of you!

PS - is it good being back on terms with your DBro?