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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 15/03/2015 08:21

Why don't you text your DB right now Bear & tell him you want to get rid of the parasite but you are scared of him.

Vivacia · 15/03/2015 08:23

I'm starting to worry that this will just be a thread of updates about the latest outrageous behaviour of this man and how much it pisses you off bear.

Please confide in your brother today. I agree with others about skipping lunch and having a heart-to-heart at home with him.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:27

I'm going to his flat at ten my brothers flat.

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 15/03/2015 08:27

Firstly your self esteem and confidence is not rock bottom. A few days ago it was but NOW it isn't and do you know why? It's because you have already made that decision to get rid of him. You are on your way UP already and you will keep going.

He has not even gone yet but already you are stronger as you have seen what he is truly like.

You will only hit rock bottom again IF you allow him to stay in your life. HE is the reason for you being so low but YOU can be the reason for being on top of the world.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/03/2015 08:28

If he has left the house, pack his stuff up now and get your brother to come later to change the locks.

You have more pressing concerns than lunch to be honest.

You are not living together, you are not married, and you do not have kids. This is your house - you can end it for whatever reason you want and you can change the locks on your own place whenever the hell you want.

Only you can do this.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:28

No it won't be he is going today the gravy train has ended

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:30

I'm going to pack his things now this is it no looking back he will never bring anything to my life I just have to keep thinking that over and over.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 15/03/2015 08:30

Get your family involved today because I don't think you will be able to do this on your own. You could have all his stuff, the dog & his DM's present all at her house today. Give yourself the best Mothers Day present ever.

BabyGanoush · 15/03/2015 08:34

Having a brother around for support would be good

momtothree · 15/03/2015 08:37

Dragging .... she has been working up to getting rid .... making a plan etc. Not everyone has the strength they need support. She understands his behaviour and can predict his next move, so needs help -

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 08:40

Wishing you strength for today, SmallBear.

Just coming back to something you said upthread: what you are feeling is NOT love. Dependency, fear of him and the unknown, wishing against all evidence that things could be different - none of that is 'love'.
Love makes you feel wonderful and cherished and appreciated, supported and secure. It is the absolute opposite of walking on egg shells.

Get rid of him, his dog, his Mother's Day present and do it today.
Get your brother on side.

Then take a breather and start looking for some help to boost you self-esteem so you can make more healthy choices in the future.

why1989 · 15/03/2015 08:40

Good luck op!!!

AccordingtoSteve · 15/03/2015 08:44

Stay strong bear you can do this

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:47

Thanks I am grateful for the support on this thread don't think i could do this without you guys because it's made me see and I think it was peace what she said a few pages back that was it for me it woke me up more than anything else ever has.

OP posts:
littlejessie · 15/03/2015 08:49

Another one willing you on OP.

You will never look back once you've cut this abusive pig out of your life, believe me.

Stay strong and ask for your brother's help this morning.

Happy Mother's Day Flowers

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:53

I know I would get to a point where I will have no one and I don't want to end up like that I'm so unhappy.

OP posts:
momtothree · 15/03/2015 09:05

I sat at home last night worrying about u, like many others showing support. You will be happy again, take strength from your children and family. X

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 09:22

Did you worry about me bloody hell I want to cry again I'm not going to cry today though I refuse to. Wish I could meet you all and I don't know how to reply to messages or see messages I've kept this page bookmarked because I really struggle using this site. Tried to log in on my tablet this Morning and I did but couldn't look for this post for some reason couldn't find the option. Is there an app for this site

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/03/2015 09:24

I know it's hard for you... These horrors always leave a trail of disaster

Be strong! You can do it! He sounds like a complete psychopathic narcissist. He will never, ever give you what you want
These type of people only have one relationship and one love, and that is themselves..

Being on your own is surely better than the abusive relationship he provides...

You will find someone who is more deserving of your love and life!

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 09:25

I've just found the inbox messages now took a while.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 15/03/2015 09:29

Bear, make sure your devices are password protected. In fact, hide them. You'll soon be whizzing around MN with a glass of wine and your feet up when the DC are in bed.

Dont worry too much about navigating now but yes, there is an App and a search option. You can search for your username and it should bring a link to your thread. On main site, the search option is top right of screen I think.

Keep strong.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 09:48

Ok I'm not going to download anything today anyway. I have just tried to call the boys as its mothers day no answer I did say I wanted to call. Haven't woke up to one card I started crying im so hoping they made me one at school Friday and its in school bag as their dad collected them. I'm leaving mine now I will speak to you all tonight wish me luck

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 09:50

I feel so weak I keep bursting into tears I don't know what is wrong with me. Bye guys

OP posts:
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 15/03/2015 09:57

You are probably crying due to stress, tiredness, and the relief of knowing you've made this step. Keep going, it will get better. My abusive XP took ages to get the message but I just did the 'broken record' thing on him, it got easier quite quickly after the first horrible bit.

marriednotdead · 15/03/2015 09:57

Thinking of you and sending you virtual strength, you CAN do this!

Looking forward to seeing a positive update later. Take care Bear

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