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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
passthewineplz · 15/03/2015 01:05

Text your brother, explain what's been going on, that you're not happy ect, and that you want him out today.

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 01:11

And remember. You don't hae to justify why you want him out. You're not married and its your house - so even if he's there and be he ever so charming, if he's told to go he has to go.

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 01:17

*it's

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 15/03/2015 01:19

Another one wishing you strength for tomorrow - the plan to immediately tell your brother you need him to come back with you and stay until shithead leaves is a great one. He can't even claim you're unlawfully evicting him or any such nonsense, either - because he doesn't pay you any contribution and supposedly pays his mother rent! Grab this opportunity with both hands, Smallbear. Pick up a change of lock on your way back to yours with your brother so you can change it as soon as he's out (or while he's grabbing his stuff - so he knows there's no point in trying to stay because he's not getting a key).

Inertia · 15/03/2015 01:35

Bear, you need to tell your brother what's happening - he'll be there for you.

And you need to chuck this man out. Don't let him wheedle his way in. Use the £15 towards changing the locks. You must keep him out this time, he's breaking you.

ironicman · 15/03/2015 01:37

Bloody hell smallbear. Firstly a small apology. I can see why some of what I said won't help. I'm on duty at the fire station tonight and didn't initially read all of your thread (just the 1st bit) as I had stuff to do. I've just trawled through it and you so do need to get him to leave. I don't think it will be as bad as a lot of people suggest as he is basically a bully but also one who needs to be seen as the good guy. He goes out of his way to make himself look good in front of others but is totally abusive and offensive to you but only when he hasn't got an audience unless it is just your children or you. As long as you have a strong person with you then it should be fine.

There is a lot of advice on here which is good but I don't think the police will be needed. Totally refuse to discuss the car-He can check it a million times and throw as many accusations as he wants but so what (he probably did it himself anyway so he can put it onto you). Keep to the subject of what it is you want which is him to leave. If he keeps talking about money say you haven't got any which he knows anyway as he was going to lend you some. You cannot afford him. It's finished and you can't put up with his ever changing moods. You and your children need consistency and stability in your life and he has had 18 months during which he has brought you to the conclusion that he is tightfisted, mean and mean spirited. He has no right to speak on your behalf to your ex and the same goes for disciplining your children (Although I don't always have the same view on this- it is very subjective) Just get rid! He sounds like a man who has never grown up. Someone said on here that he probably never gives his mum 90 a week. I agree. He keeps it all to himself yet it's irrelevant. It's your house, your kids,and your life. Get out!!!! Oh yes. Warm regards. Mark

ironicman · 15/03/2015 01:38

And if you are anywhere near Pompey I'll buy the lock for you!

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 01:46

I actually don't think the police will be needed either - but the OP can at least relax a tad if she knows that she can call them if required.

Her biggest challenge is likely to be the day or two following. He's already wheedled his way back into her life once (well twice if you also count that being found on a dating site) and he'll likely be pulling out all the stops to try it again. It'll be wine, flowers and buckets of understanding. That will be when she needs to be strong.

ironicman · 15/03/2015 01:56

Take the wine and the flowers and still tell him to sling his hook! She can give the flowers to her mum for mothers day and drink the wine herself. Great idea! Anyways must go.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/03/2015 03:24

I'm a late comer Op! I've just read your thread! He sounds vile... .

I'm sure he'll pull out all the charm and emotional stops OP when he realises your plan to try and get you to relent .. You know differently don't you??!

I too hope you won't need the police! I suspect his need to seem the nice guy may out weigh his need to be hideous, and be seen, by others, in his true colours . To maintain the sham..

Please, please, call police if you need to, they will be well versed in these types of horrid situations..

I wish you strength, which you clearly have, in the short term, and happiness to you and your kids in the longer term!

Go giiirl!!

Will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes from Wiltshire!

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 05:58

Yes wishing you lick for tomorrow too. It's so important you get the locks changed as he seems to think your house is his house and he can just waltz in whenever he likes. Him out, his stuff out, locks changed and relax!

PeaceOfWildThings · 15/03/2015 06:31

Just to add, it's good to have a plan but if you see things not going to plan you don't have to give up. You can follow your plan, and if things change, opt for plan B. Remember the end result you are aiming for.

You can tell him to his face to leave and not ever come back if he won't just go to his Mum's or he keeps coming back. Be strong imagine yourself telling him. Read this thread again and remwmber the encouragement.

You can do this. You are a strong person, he is a drain on you. You will remain strong when he is out of your life.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 07:27

He's just woken me up he has work so has to wake up. Im selling a kitchen table this morning for £50 and it has just dawned on him he said he wants his £30 back to give to his sister for her birthday because I'm getting fifty pound and I'm a cheeky fuck apparently and I'm just trying to see how much I can get out of him.
I said well you said I could have £15 he said well I forgot about the table I want it back I just went along with it fuck his money. I won't need the police his the worlds best charmer so infront of my brother the mask won't slip he will act outraged and say what he always says I'm there for your sister I do a lot for her that's what he said last time when my brother pulled him I know him.

OP posts:
WasabiPeace · 15/03/2015 07:31

What would happen if you said 'fuck off, you cheeky fuck, you live here rent free, using my utilities and eating my food. You can whistle for it?'

BlackDaisies · 15/03/2015 07:32

The cheek of this man. If he mentions the 30 please point out the hundreds you have spent on him and his girls on food and increased bills putting them all up. He's got a nerve asking for 30. Best of luck getting him out. Don't forget to change the locks.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 07:41

He acts like I owe HIM something. He also asked if I can take his moms Mother's Day Present over to her well it's going to sit on my kitchen side all day. His mom is lovely Aswell but he's the blue eyed boy I'm not wasting my petrol giving her the present he's unbelievable

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 15/03/2015 07:44

Letvhim have the the money and good riddance. Really not worth it. Your freedom is worth more than that!

lunar1 · 15/03/2015 07:51

I hope it goes well today. He really is a nasty piece of work.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 07:53

I'm going to peace im not owing him abything

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 15/03/2015 07:57

Why did you come home from your night out as he was there? And why has he stayed over night?

Do you really want it over as you are acting like you don't which sends him the message that you don't.

Either kick him out for good or shut up and put up with it.

Sorry to sound harsh but there are numerous threads on here and the OP's just repeat the same thread over and over moaning about their "D"P. Only YOU can make a change in your life - but only if you really want too.

If you really want to then you will be strong enough to stay away and to keep turning him way.

Everyone has a choice in these situations. You just need to decide which one you are making.

Holdthepage · 15/03/2015 08:01

If he sinks any lower he'll be crawling on the floor. I mean there is tightfisted & then there is him, he really is in a league of his own when it comes to meanness.

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 15/03/2015 08:02

Another one by your side and urging you on.
Keep going.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:13

I understand when people say just leave get rid of him I would say the same in reality it's harder but today I will get him out. My self esteem and my self worth is at rock bottom please understand you don't ask to be treated like that they suck you in get you to love them and then it starts when your far into the situation. Before I was not ready to leave or face the truth of what he is.
I've got no confidence and low self esteem it's hard to be strong and do what you think is right when you feel so low in yourself.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:16

I've had to play along with him since yesterday afternoon because how else will I get time to pack his stuff and sort myself out. Hes there all the time breathing down my neck and no I can't tell him to his face im scared of him.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 08:20

Unless you have actually lived with someone who plays mind games with you it's hard to judge your with this person day in and day out you start to think it's normal. Then you have the light bulb moments where you think that isn't normal but they quickly latch onto that you've realsied and then turn on the charm offensive.
Nice to others in public give money to virtual strangers but at home Jekyll comes out so you feel like your going mad coz everyone else likes him. So hard to explain but you do feel as if your going mad sometimes

OP posts: