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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 15/03/2015 00:05

Another one checking into see if you're ok. Be strong.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:22

He went out I went out and met my brother and his girlfriend. He went off happy as Larry I didn't ask where he was going or show any concern for his where abouts usually I get all paranoid but I didn't care I was relived I went to moms gave her her present. Went to my brother in the pub and the phone calls started asking me a stupid question I ignored it but he rang amother two times I had ordered food and couldn't even eat my dinner. My friend was there he's like a dad type figure said I looked a nervous wreck.
I text him said have a nice night another words leave me alone he said I don't feel like going I ignored him. I was talking to my brother and his partner after an hour my brother suggested we go to a party I said ok as I knew people that were going I be there. Just about to go and he messaged saying he was at mine and had cancelled the night out.
I didn't tell my brother that he messaged me I just said jm going home because of the dog.
so I'm home now and he's in bed I spoke to my brother a little about things and my brothers friend the older guy said im in a cycle and can't get out but I will when I'm ready.
I can't believe he came back and stopped his night out for no reason.
He is asleep now I'm still meeting my brother tomorrow as planned and will go from there.
When I saw he was at mine I just felt scared and that I had to come home I didn't relax at all tonight I started to until I got that message.
My brothers partner was begging me saying please leave him. I feel so suffocated

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:26

He was in bed earlier and said he will go and get me a present for mothers day tomorrow and was all cuddly with me and I think he's changing but he asked me £15 back as he left me £30 and I spent £15 and he said I want that back I think that's being fair I just said ok.
I'm like a nervous wreck of a human being my heads all messed up is started enjoying myself and it got ruined it's the first time I have been out since xmas

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Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:30

Mark I don't feel what some of what you said helped because if he begs me to take him back with promises of change it doesn't mean he will. I do love him I can't help how I feel but he doesn't help my life he makes it more difficult the only good point I can say is he is always around and not out drinking and is quite affectionate at times but I wouldn't say loving and can be a laugh that's about it.

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cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:30

He's not changing at all of course as you've realized. He just senses that he - temporarily - needs to keep a little bit of a closer eye on you and 'make nice'. (But he still can't bear to really give you a treat even with his senses being jagged.)

Stay cool. Tomorrow is your day.

Is DBro still taking you to lunch?

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:32

I was so looking forward to this one night to myself without the boys and without him sorry to go on but it's two weeks till I get a break again and I rushed home because I was scared of what he was going to say and I didn't tell him I was with my brother because I know he wouldn't like it so I lied and said I was with mom.

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cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:33

I disagree with Mark you see. I think he's shown his deep true colours so many times that you really have no option but to get rid of him if you want to stay a whole person - let alone a happy one. (And your DCs also.) He's not having a little aberrant moment - you're seeing what he is.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:34

Yes we still going to lunch thankfully

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cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:34

So you lied because you were basically frightened? To keep the peace?

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:37

My brother partner and friend all saw that he didn't leave me alone this evening and that I had to go outside to answer the phone too.
My brothers friend said he stays with you as you are a nice piece of eye candy on his arm to look good for others but he doesn't care for you and you need to see it. I think he does care a little in his own way but he's so selfish he's always first even before his own kids but I'm scared of him he's never touched me physically but I'm scared of him.

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Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:39

I must be scared of him I felt like I could not say who I was with as last time he accused me of flirting with my brothers friends and xmas we went to the local where I used to live and where me and my brother have always drank and he basically said he didn't want me in that pub again

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cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:40

If you're frightened of him - and also of the effect he'll have on you and your DCs - then it's way time to end it. You're not married, you have your own house, you have (Thank Goodness) no children together and you're a young woman. He needs to go.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:42

Can't believe how he rang me asking me how much money he owes his mom for a TV she bought months ago off him asked me to work it out. I told him I was out with my mom and he didn't give a shit

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:43

People who want to totally control others will often gradually isolate them from friends and family so that they have no perspective on their own lives.

Goodness forbid that you should become a frightened little grey shadow of a woman, starting at every sound of the key in the lock.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:43

Just please let him go to work tomorrow fgs

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cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:44

It doesn't matter, in some ways, whether he goes to work or not. You're off to lunch with DBro (can you still do that?) and then he's gone.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:45

he's draining me I'm really drained

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Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:45

Yes because I've already said im meeting my dad so he knows I'm out at one

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Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:46

I'm glad you replied Cozie

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Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:46

Thanks for listening to me

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passthewineplz · 15/03/2015 00:48

What happened when you said you wanted him and his stuff gone?

cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 00:50

You're plain tired that's what's the problem. It's absolutely exhausting treading around on eggshells all the time.

I'd be planning on telling DBro before lunch that you need his help and straightaway going back home and getting him out. (You can always eat later.) Once you start to take action it will roll, believe me.

Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:56

He didn't take me seriously pass and I want to be more planned because he will just do what he wants he thinks I had a mini meltdown and everything is ok again now.

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Smallbear86 · 15/03/2015 00:58

My brother knows I need him tomorrow it was hard to have a proper conversation a lot of people were there but I just needed to be with my family they know what's happenjng my brother knows.
He will sort it out for me he's a strong character and seeing me like this is upsetting him.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/03/2015 01:01

It'll work tomorrow, just you see. As I said, I'd explain things to DBro before you get to eat and just go back to the house - whether he's in or not. Keep a mobile with you and if there's the slightest hint of trouble, call the police. They'll put a damper on him if needed.