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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 16:34

Although I like the wording too, and it would be perfectly fine with any reasonable person, this man is not reasonable. Ask him to do something now and he won't. Ask him not to do something and he will. Begging him not to go to his mum's might be a surer bet, but best to play it cool. You know him better than us, OP and you're doing fine.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 16:35

Something contagious would be goid to come down with...can you muster a convincing cough?

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 16:37

LOL Peace and spot on!!

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 16:38

He's back

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 16:40

Good luck.

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 16:40

Stay calm, act normal. You have us lot here behind you. By tomorrow evening it will all be done and dusted. You are doing a great job!!!!

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 16:41

You go girl. No...HE goes! Grin

minibmw2010 · 14/03/2015 16:41

You've already done the hard work by telling him to pack up and leave, just persevere with this! Don't play any games, just keep telling him to leave.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 16:41

Clear history, tell him if he has the slightest bit of care for you instead of just wanting an argument, he'll leave you to go to bed because you feel like shit and you want some peace and quiet. ALONE. If he refuses, say you're not surprised, he goes on about loving you and says sorry but won't actually do as you ask if it doesn't suit him. That might get him gone. But even if not, just go to bed with book. With any luck he'll be bored and go out.

Don't be drawn into any arguments. 'My head is killing me. I just want to be left alone.' Repeat.

AccordingtoSteve · 14/03/2015 16:58

sending more strength X

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 17:08

Agree completely with Sylvanian don't get drawn into any discussions/arguments. Cut him off. Have a few standard replies ready i.e. My head is killing me. Can we leave this until tomorrow? I am popping over to see my mum. I am sleeping in kids bed because I think I am coming down with a vomiting bug and don't want to give it to you.

If he starts to act like a complete dick tell him to eff off to his own place and if he objects tell him that you will have him removed by the police.

Dont worry about involving the police. They were called to my house regularly in my old life. They were a great support and even told me to ring them if my ex so much as raised his voice to me.

AlternativeTentacles · 14/03/2015 17:34

Oh my - well done. Amazing work.

x

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/03/2015 17:40

Are you OK, OP? Have you got him out of your house yet?

DraggingDownDownDown · 14/03/2015 17:51

If you have told him it's over why is he coming round?

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 17:56

Because that is what controlling, abusing bullies do?

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 18:36

Sending you strength and willing you on here too Thanks

Jux · 14/03/2015 19:32

Hope you're OK and that he's gone out. Do be careful now.

Flowergirlmum · 14/03/2015 20:14

Just read all of this. Wanted to say I hope you're ok. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong x

lbnblbnb · 14/03/2015 20:16

Hope you are ok. Get your family on board ASAP - and take care of yourself. X

ironicman · 14/03/2015 20:52

Oh my word he sounds bloody awful. Give him the dog back and tell him you cannot afford the dog. Then tell him exactly how bad he makes you feel. When he feels guilty and clearly he does occasionally, tell him you can also no longer afford him in your life. He is a bad man....probably not as bad as the jeremy Kyle participants but still a total dick. For crying out loud your car broke down and he wouldn't give you a lift to school! He does not deserve you. Relationships are difficult these days when we have families that are split apart. I am a man who feels that my children come first which makes it hellishly difficult to maintain a relationship as I need to be a constant in their life. I reckon that this man shuns responsibility. He is happy to pay his mum 90 a week though. He needs to pay his way BUT you have an issue with your own self worth. You got together with him just 6 months after splitting from your ex...that was too soon! You apologise when it's him at fault-please don't. Finally you ask us not to judge you. We are here to support you and not to judge you. You sound like a very caring mother and if you can get a good looking guy like this then you must have some really good points. You will probably feel much better if you tell him the issues very clearly but with the idea that the relationship has ended. You might find that he finally realises you mean that much more to him and he could well end up begging you to take him back. Hope this helps. Mark

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 22:56

Can't believe what's happened tonight

OP posts:
why1989 · 14/03/2015 22:59

thinking of you OP xx

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 23:00

You ok, Smallbear?

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 23:23

There will be people here late if you need to talk. Hope things are OK.

FushandChups · 14/03/2015 23:34

I'm also hoping you're ok.. doesn't sound great so please update when you can..

Thinking of you

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