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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair starting up again

149 replies

dollymixture · 27/10/2006 20:54

I really want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to me. I know that what I'm doing isn't right, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself (god that sounds pathetic). I am so mixed up right now.

Basically I had a 3 month affair with a friend 4 years ago now. Nothing between us for 2 years after that, he got married, I had another child ... life carried on. But then things started up again a couple of years ago and have been on and off ever since. More off than on, every now and again things would get very intense for a few weeks and then, mainly due to cirucmstances, would stop again.

But we're very close, always have been, email lots, especially when things are back on. And it is again, though not physically at the moment it's as good as with raunchy emails and phone stuff.

I can't pull back (and don't want to) he's part of my life and as much a friend of my dh's as mine. Him and his family are like family to us. Which just makes it even worse.

I really don't know what I'm asking here, to some extent I just need to get if off my chest. Maybe I want to find someone else who's been through the same thing, or maybe I want someone to talk some sense into me. I am so not the type of person who has an affair, I have spent my whole life doing the right thing, doing what is expected of me, and it would devestate everyone and shock everyone if they found out.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just on the verge of being very mixed up by it all and I know that that was a horrible place to be 4 years ago.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 27/10/2006 20:57

"I am so not the type of person who has an affair"

Er... apart from the one you had with him 4 years ago and efectively having now??

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/10/2006 20:58

Great you have got it off your chest

Not quite sure what "type of person" has an affair, because clearly you are. The type, that is.

Or are you trying to say that you are somehow different, and better than others that have affairs? Genuine question.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/10/2006 20:58

Glad you picked up on that too Soupy.

squarer · 27/10/2006 21:00

at Soup

You know what you have to do DM. Be honest with yourself about what it is you want and how realistic that option is. The affair doesn;t sound like a realistic option to me given the friendship with both you and your DH IMO.

Jimjams2 · 27/10/2006 21:00

Erm I don't think he's really a very good friend of your dh's.

You realise you risk losing everything? If your husband finds out (I assume he's likely to) he will feel doubly betrayed.

If you already know all that you should do something, sort it out.

SittingBull · 27/10/2006 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lockets · 27/10/2006 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 27/10/2006 21:08

Would you prefer to be with him full time? Or do you just enjoy the illicit thrill of it?
You can stop yourself. You just don't choose to.
It's fairer all round if you separate, divorce and then get involved with someone else. But some people can live with deception for decades. Depends on your personality.

scootermum · 27/10/2006 21:26

I know kind of where DM is coming from though-although have never gone so far as to have the actual affair myself.But I will confes to some serious flirting in the past which was really inappropriate.It just took me out of myself and made me feel attracive and sexy and powerful again in a way that I hadnt for a long while-and not becuase my dh, (dp then), wasnt paying me enough attention or whatever-just because, im ashamed to say, I probably wanted to validate myself by having someone else want me.It was all ego in my case.Could there be an element of that with you, DM?(I dont mean to be insulting in any way-please dont take offence)
I can see how having an affair starts as its surely just an extension of that.Its so trite to say there 'must be problems in the marriage', but DM are there?Are you a bit bored?
I also think its interesting this thing is with a 'friend'.In some ways its more dangerous of course but in others its safer becuase you know him well and you will pretty much be assured of seeing him fairly regularly I assume..
I agree with the other posters you are risking alot- and so is he remember.But I wont judge because I do get where you are coming from I think, rightly or wrongly.There but for whatever go I.Or might have done way back when..

wannaBe1974 · 27/10/2006 22:12

?he's part of my life and as much a friend of my dh's as mine.? Oh yes, I?m sure your dh will see it that way when he finds out his ?friend? has been screwing around with his wife on and off for the past 4 years. I can see Scootermum?s point in that flirtation can make you feel more attractive, that attention from another man might set a spark where there hasn?t been one for a while, and that the thought of taking that further might be very inviting. I can even see how it could happen, after all we?re all human and none of us is infallible. But what you?re doing is far more calculated than that, you?ve been on/off for 4 years. In fact you?ve had another child in between you having encounters with this man, all this is so wrong on every level. Think about the people you are betraying, your husband, your children, you are helping your husband?s friend to betray him, he is betraying his partner, his children. You haven?t mentioned that you love him so I?m guessing that you don?t, but that it?s the thrill of the chase that attracts you, the raunchy emails/telephone calls, the build up to that illicit moment of passion together. Well time for a reality check IMO ? you?re not a teenager any more, you?re married, you have children and you have a responsibility to your husband/children. If you don?t want to be with your husband any more, then leave him and allow him to move on and find someone who will treat him fairly and won?t screw around with his friends. As for your ?friend?, he also has a responsibility to his wife and children, so if you carry on this affair you will be responsible for the break-up of two families. Just think about that. And also think about how you would feel if you found out your husband was having an affair with one of your friends but was pretending that they were just friends when you all met up.

You can?t have your cake and eat it, time to choose.

foundintranslation · 27/10/2006 22:17

I notice from your language - 'affair starting up again', 'things started up again', 'when things are back on', that you are describing the affair almost as an external force that 'comes over you'. It isn't, you know. It is of your and your 'friend's making. You can pull back. It is your responsibility to.

witchscatsmother · 27/10/2006 22:33

I just want to slap people who write threads like this.

You said "I have spent my whole life doing the right thing, doing what is expected of me, and it would devestate everyone and shock everyone if they found out".

Well, obviously NOT the last 4 years of your "whole" life.

If something is lacking in your marriage you try to sort it out, or, you get out so you are then free to do what you want.

As FIT said, this is your choice to continue an on and off affair ....... presumably you and he are not struck down every so often by some alien force ?

If you admit you know what you're doing isn't right, but apparently can't stop then you are making a deliberate decision to carry on doing something which you also acknowledge would devastate several other people. That's extremely selfish. In a strange way I'd have more sympathy (maybe not much more, but more all the same) if you'd provided justification for your affair, or if you somehow genuinely thought you were doing nothing wrong.

What's worse about this is that he's a (so-called) friend of your husband's. And am guessing therefore it's likely you are probably also on friendly terms with his wife ?

So ...... selfish and hypocritical too.

FFS, do the right thing one way or another. Put up and shut up (with your marriage) or have the courage, honesty and selflessness to get out.

madamez · 27/10/2006 22:37

It just goes to show: monogamy isn't for everyone. It's perfectly possible to love more than one person at a time, and indeed to separate sex from love - they are not the same thing.
The trouble is in this situation is, whatever you do now, DM, your hubby has been being lied to for some time, which never makes a person feel good about themselves. A monogamy-free life is a wonderful thing, but you have to take more care of other people's feelings, not less, for it to work.
If your hubby is the sort of chap with whom you can talk over the possibility of an open relationship, you might be able to sort things out so everyone is happy but, as I said, Hubby is going to be (and will be entitled to be) not happy at first because no one likes to be taken for a fool.

lulumama · 27/10/2006 22:58

have you done anything to address the issues in your marriage

i agree with whoever picked up on the language you use to describe your affair...so passive,like it is beyond your control....that is making excuses....especially as it is the second time you have been down this road

and trying to justify it by saying you are not the type...yes you are.]]and you are obviosly not comfortable with it

i wonder if this would fizzle out if you were actually together as a leigtiamre couple...i doub it

if your marraige is unahppy:

fix it or leave

don;t start dragging other people & their families into it, which is ultiamtely what will happen if you get found out...

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 27/10/2006 22:58

Sorry but I don't understand this post. 4 years ago you had a 3 month affair and since then it has all been on and off but it i becoming more intense.

So who finished the 3 month affair last time, if it was you then you need to re-visit the reasons that made you finish it then and if they no longer make you want to stop this stupid affair then you need to leave your husband or at least have some councilling.
If he finished it then you are being a total fool because you have allowed him to finish a serious affair with you for what ever reason but you have still been sleeping with him (or as good as)

Personally if you want my honest opinion I think the only reason you are posting this is becasue you have already decided that you are going to start sleeping with him again and you are trying to lessen the guilty feelings you know you will feel.

You have not spent your whole life doing the right thing and you are the type of person who has an affair. If you can't even be honest to yourself your husband stands no chance.

lulumama · 27/10/2006 22:59

apologies for typos...and it was foundintransalations post i agree with

and meant

it wold fizzle out if you were a legitiamte couple

[sorry]

Original poster

dollymixture · 27/10/2006 23:01

Wow - what a supportive site, thank you!

While I wasn't expecting you all to sympathise with me, a little more constructive critisism would have been apppreciated (thanks to those of you who did reply honestly but thoughfully).

Witchcatsmother - a good slap, yeah that would help!

I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know how many lives it could destroy. I know that it's down to me (and him) but it really is hard to walk away. It's not as though I can just make a decision never to see him again because he will always be part of my families life. The attraction doesn't go away and acting on it the first time was the hardest thing, but after that it just gets easier, I guess because you know that you've already cheated once so you tend to think what difference will once more make.

But I appreicate that none of you have been through these feelings, as I said, I don't really know what I was expecting by posting on here.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 27/10/2006 23:05

I have had affairs (albeit before I had kids)
For me it was the wake up call I needed to get out of a bad relationship.
I think you probably know that too

For what it's worth, I think it's quite predictable that so many people react negatively to threads like this, sorry...
But I appreciate that you are in a horrible place.
Time for some serious, grown-up thinking I reckon.

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 27/10/2006 23:07

Who finished the affair before and for what reasons?

lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:07

what sort of constructive criticism??

like - i know how you feel...but a teeny weeny affair won't hurt??

sorry to be flippant..but not quite sure what you mean...

Original poster

dollymixture · 27/10/2006 23:09

We never really make an actual decision to end it, it just kind of fizzles out due to lack of opportunity to see each other alone.

OP posts:

lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:10

do you want to be with each other more than you want to be with your current parners?

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 27/10/2006 23:11

Be honest with yourself DM, are you wanting the physical side of the relationship to start up again now and are you excited about it. Please be honest.

Original poster

dollymixture · 27/10/2006 23:14

I have no intention of leaving my husband and wouldn't want him to leave his wife.

Yes, a huge part of it is the excitement of the physical side starting up again.

OP posts:

lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:16

....you want to have your cake and eat it

you have kids

people will be hurt

these things usually get found out...

you want the stability of a marraigae & the excitement of an affair..can yo not make your marriage more exciting?

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