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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair starting up again

149 replies

dollymixture · 27/10/2006 20:54

I really want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to me. I know that what I'm doing isn't right, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself (god that sounds pathetic). I am so mixed up right now.

Basically I had a 3 month affair with a friend 4 years ago now. Nothing between us for 2 years after that, he got married, I had another child ... life carried on. But then things started up again a couple of years ago and have been on and off ever since. More off than on, every now and again things would get very intense for a few weeks and then, mainly due to cirucmstances, would stop again.

But we're very close, always have been, email lots, especially when things are back on. And it is again, though not physically at the moment it's as good as with raunchy emails and phone stuff.

I can't pull back (and don't want to) he's part of my life and as much a friend of my dh's as mine. Him and his family are like family to us. Which just makes it even worse.

I really don't know what I'm asking here, to some extent I just need to get if off my chest. Maybe I want to find someone else who's been through the same thing, or maybe I want someone to talk some sense into me. I am so not the type of person who has an affair, I have spent my whole life doing the right thing, doing what is expected of me, and it would devestate everyone and shock everyone if they found out.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just on the verge of being very mixed up by it all and I know that that was a horrible place to be 4 years ago.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 27/10/2006 23:16

So it's basically just sex then?

Original poster
dollymixture · 27/10/2006 23:19

He's one of the closest friends I've got and someone I always turn to in a crisis. That's always been the case, even before the affair.

OP posts:
lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:20

can you not have the support & friendship without the sex

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 27/10/2006 23:21

So really this thread is as I said a pre-emptive (sp) attack on your own feelings of guilt that you know will come on 10x more than they are now.

If you know that you will never leave your DH and he won't leave his DW then you're not serious about each other, its not love, it's pure lust and needs to be stopped ASAP.

Just remember that his wife could very well be a secret MNer.

Also try imagining your DH in bed with another woman doing everything to her that you want your bit on the side to do to you, does it make you feel a bit sick or does it not bother you?

bluejelly · 27/10/2006 23:21

Why did you get married?
(Sorry don't mean to be provocative but just wondered why you got married if you wanted to have sex with someone else)

lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:23

nothingbutattitude has summed it up nicely.....IMO.....

you are coming across very calcualted and cold....and you are not mentioning the repercussions on your family & children if this came out

lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:23

sorry if that sounded harsh...but it is not just about you & him , is it?

Original poster
dollymixture · 27/10/2006 23:24

The affair started 7 years after I got married so doesn't have any bearing on why I got married. At the time I had no thoughts of having sex with anyone else.

The support and friendship is always there but so is the attraction. Even if we don't act on it for months at a time, it never really goes away.

Of course I feel guilty, hell, who wouldn't.

OP posts:
lulumama · 27/10/2006 23:25

not guilty enough to stop it ?

SittingBull · 27/10/2006 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bluejelly · 27/10/2006 23:27

But isn't marriage for life not just for the first few years? I don't know, have been avoiding marriage myself precisely cos I don't think i could only have sex with one person for the rest of my life...
It's hard isn't it?
But I think effectively having two relationships is really mean on your husband.
You;ve got to end one of them, sex is not a good enough reason to be deceitful. IMO

Blu · 27/10/2006 23:28

Well, Dollymixture - be sure of this.

There will be a crisis.

If you carry in, it will be found out, sooner or later.

Decide whether you need him to turn to in a lesser crisis than your marriage collapsing, his marriage collapsing, all the children in broken homes...or whether you are going to let this crisis happen knowing that amidst the wreckage he will still be there to turn to.

Unles of course, he stays with his wife to try again - but on condition that he stops all truck with you.

IF you want to be with him and he with you, do it in a rsponsible way, treating your partners with some respect and dignity. Tell them before they find out.

hertsnessex · 27/10/2006 23:40

want to say that my mil had an affair with my dh's dads best mate, they were all friends, all holidayed together etc. this was 15yrs ago. they are still together and my sh, his sis and bro and 'now' step sis and bro have NEVER gotten over it. it will ruin your childrens lives.

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 27/10/2006 23:43

I'm off to bed now but I will check on this tomorrow to see if you have any more thoughts about it DM, especially about the possible effect it could have on your children when it all come out (and it will).

corblimeymadam · 27/10/2006 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

longwaytogo · 28/10/2006 00:52

dM my dh had an affair with my best friend. End it now please. You cannot begin to imagine the hurt and destruction this causes to everyone involved. You, him, children, friends, family etc etc.

My head is so messed up by it and we are still together, but just put yourself in the situation how would you feel if you found your dh had been cheating on you. You can't begin to imagine unless you have been there, it is not a nice place to be and even 16 months on its so painful. Everything is affected by it.

Just ask yourself the question where would we live? Where would the children live? How would they get over knowing what their parents had done with their best friends?

What kind of morality does it teach them, children are impressionable and the hurt and anguish you could cause them they may never get over without a whole shed load of counselling.

You can stop this but in my opinion its not the affair that is the issue - you need to get your relationship with dh sorted because if there was nothing wrong with it then you wouldn't be looking for intimacy with someone else.

Please think about the ripple effects of all this before you embark on this journey because they are huge.

Judy1234 · 28/10/2006 08:10

dm, if you feel too guilty you may not be able to keep it up. It's people who can compartmentalise these things and are good at the deception who sustain it for years secretly. Isn't it 30% of married people who stray? That means 30% of mnet posters which is not the percetnage you're getting on the thread, is it?
I know someone who went to counselling on their own which helped them decide if they could keep up serial extra marital relationships and it helped them decide they couldn't live with the deception and guilt and risk to the marriage.

Anyway there's loads of it about from Prince Charles and probably his father downwards.

What is interesting is you're not enjoying it in some ways and feel guilty which probably means you're not the right sort of person to do it (not that anyone should ever) so you either need to get rid of the guilt and tighen up your secrecy tactics or see a counsellor/decide to give him up.

Also may be your husband is doing the same. Would you be happy about that? I also know couples with open relationships, although I don't think I could tolerate that, where there's a licence discreetly to play away.

ggglimpopo · 28/10/2006 09:12

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 28/10/2006 09:20

great advice from ggglimpopo & zenia...and belgian bun...

i think you will be hard pushed to find a great amount of support on here for what you are suggesting...and will likely receive some very harsh words

i think working out why you are so dissatisfied with your marriage and why you are intent on being self destructive will get your further than looking for justification for what you are doing...

WinkyWinkola · 28/10/2006 09:44

I'm not sure anyone would be particuarly sympathetic or supportive in this case, would they?

DM, you say it was a horrible place to be four years ago? Why was that? And here you are again.

I bet your 'friend' is LOVING this. What a lucky lad. He gets to have sex with you, play at having a relationship with you and then, when it's convenient for him, he can drop you and you don't even mind! And you keep your trap shut about it all too. Brilliant. He's got it made. I'm assuming it is he who really lets things fizzle out because you don't seem able to take control of the situation at all.

Why don't you say no to him for once and see what happens? You might even feel good about asserting yourself in a circumstance that you just seem to drift into. Give it a whirl and get some backbone?

BTW, I'm not attacking you but you do sound really feeble in your post!

HauntedsandCastle · 28/10/2006 10:11

"But I appreicate that none of you have been through these feelings"

I have. But that doesn't mean I don't agree with the concensus on here...I'll not be telling you to go ahead, or condoning you! But I will tell you this....

Before dd was born. Dh & I going thru bad patch. Friends friend (he was married) started showing me lots of attention, texting/emailing/msn. Then we met up, kissed and flirted some more. But we never had the "oppurtunity" to take it any further (and thank god for that)

The next day at work I rang him and told him that it couldn't continue. Despite the way it made me feel it was wrong wrong wrong! He had a child, a wife. I was shitting on them as well as my dh.

He told his wife that he would leave her if I wanted to leave dh to be with him. I didn't want to leave dh at all, that's why I finished it. He pursued me for ages after tho, texts/emails etc.

His wife stayed with him, had another child. I saw him when his wife was pg with their 2nd (me with my 1st) and he told me that he would still leave her for me!

It's easy to end it...you delete the phone numbers, email address, all the emails/texts you more than likely have stored, but not before telling him it can't/won't be happening. Then you either tell you dh or you live with it. I was lucky, dh forgave me, but then again I hadn't been having an affair for 4 years!

If he is dh's friend and it is a relationship you won't spoil then you owe it to your dh NOT to see this man..ever again!! If your dh sees him, you don't, end of. You leave the house if he visits, you don't join your dh when they have a get together. Either that or you think of some reason to cut him out of both your lives.

You can no longer have your cake and eat it. Your children will resent you greatly if you break up the family home & they find out why. Can you live with that? With your children resenting you for the rest of your life? If you won't stop this now for your dh, his dw then do it for yours & his children. If you don't do it, you are selfish and deserve no sympathy when you come on here saying "he's left because I was having an affair and now he's found out"

scatterbrain · 28/10/2006 10:16

Put the boot on the other foot DM - how would you feel if you discovered your dh was doing the same with your lover's wife ?

Betrayed ? No ?

You know that you have to put a stop to this now - you KNOW that - you just wanted us all to tell you !

We've told you now - so go and do it.

SoupDragon · 28/10/2006 11:13

"a little more constructive critisism would have been apppreciated"

Constructive criticism?? It's wrong. End of story. You can't say anything constructive about an affair.

Either you have your DH or the lover. You can't have both. Choose and do it quickly before you ruin innocent people's lives.

munz · 28/10/2006 11:24

'I have no intention of leaving my husband and wouldn't want him to leave his wife.'

'Yes, a huge part of it is the excitement of the physical side starting up again.'

hmmm right - so all u want is a quick funmble bit of oor er who's yer mrs and off u both go again - come one girl your DH/ children and his fmaily all deserve better than this - not to mention have some bloody self respect woman.

it's not that hard to walk away - honestly, all u do is that the strenght and back bone to look at your DH and think right it's you I love, u deserve better and leave this other man to his fmaily. if it fizzles out due to lack of time alone, tyhen it will again - besides what's to stop ur partners finding out next time/walking in and catching u??

lulumama · 28/10/2006 11:27

don't think the OP will be back.....not posted since last night..and wasn't hearing anything 'constructive' enough..might be wrong...